Lately, I been feeling as though I should really go see a doctor for this. I know I have always been a person that gets scared, stressed or anxious about things here and there, but I dont know how it has gotten to the point it was today. I don't even know if it really has been like this all along, but I've just been really good at hiding it until of recent. 

I hate university atm. Mainly because I don't know what I'm doing, why I'm doing that I currently am. I cant concentrate on work unless I have a random outburst of productivity, and that is not enough so sustain me through class efficiently. I can see that I do the assessments, essays and reports very easily, however keep up to date and actually being able to do well on exams is another story. I just fucking hate it and I don't know why. All of this makes me anxious.  Then I start feel hopeless and scare, thinking that I don't have the ability to do anything right and make anyone happy, whether it be me or my parents. When try and do what I want to do, I get scared that I'll fuck up and be a failure. When I try and do what my parents want me to do, I get anxious that its leading me nowhere and I end up avoiding everything and my end results suffers even though I do really well on the no exam assessment aspects. This makes me absolutely hate myself because I know I'm not doing the best to my abilities. My reports and essays proves that I can do it, but I just can't find the motivation to because I'm too fucking anxious about it and try so hard to avoid it. I feel as though I'm failing myself and I know that I'm failing myself and everyone who cares about me. I'm failing my parents, my grandparents and my partner. I'm scared that if I stay on this path, all I'm doing right now is wasting money because I have no idea what I'm doing and where I'm going. I can't afford to spend a few semesters trying to find out what I want to do. But at the same time, if I take a break, I would make my family worry. This puts my in a situation where I feel completely hopeless and countered. I have no idea what to do and feel like I'm a shitty excuse for a human and a waste of space, time and money. Somewhere in this thought process, I have already started to put my head to my knees, hug my legs and start to cry. My chest tightens as if someone is holding me and squeezing me, like a tonne of bricks stacked on top of my chest. My heart starts to race so hard I can feel pulse my pulse in my head and hear beat by beat in my ears. Sometimes I feel as though all the energy I have is sucked out of me, and no matte how much rest or sleep I get, its never enough. I get so lost in my anxiety that I feel light headed and my vision becomes out of focus. Sometimes when I'm lucky, its only short. I snap myself out of it by trying to forget about it and avoid it. If not, I get stuck in this cycle and long chain of anxious thoughts that don't stop for an hour or two at times. In the end everything becomes a blur. I forget what it was that first started to make me anxious but I continue to feel anxious. It's almost like I start to feel anxious because I don't know why I'm feeling anxious and that I need to know what it was that made me anxious to stop be from feeling anxious, This makes me feel so embarrassed. I feel pathetic and fear people will see me differently, so I hide it and try my best to never show it. I hate myself for thinking like this and I don't discuss it with people. People give me solutions like, "just don't worry, there's no point in worrying," which makes me feel as though I'm even more pathetic because I just can't. Thats all I've been trying to do, its to not worry and go on with my life without being petrified at every corner. I don't want to be anxious every time anything happens, because it sucks. I get anxious that my parents are mad at me, so I avoid them in general. And when they get mad at me for avoiding them and not being at home, I avoid interactions with them even more so I don't have to deal with them being mad at me for avoiding them for being mad at me. I get anxious to talk to people because I'm scared they are going to fuck me up like me old friends did. I'm scared of being lied to. Of being told that if anything is wrong, they would tell me, only to just have them turn around and bitch about me rather than actually saying something to me. I was so scarred by them that most of my interactions with other people nowadays are just based on my fears of what is going to happen. Sometimes I'm so nervous that it becomes hard to speak or reply. My thoughts are everywhere and its so hard to "deal with it" and "calm down." I hate this constant feeling of fear and anxiety. What I hate even more is telling people about it because I know I will be judged.