I had a period of time where I stopped giving a shit - well, at least that was what I wanted to believe at the time. I met a lot of people and had a lot of interaction with a lot of different people. Now, truth be told, I try to avoid it as much as I can. What I fear are people's intentions. When I talk to people, I want to talk to them and I am interested in who they are and what they have to say. I guess that was why I'm attracted to psychology, because people make me curious. I like to know about people, learn of their upbringing, their culture and how that has influenced how they are now. I like learning new things and gaining new perspectives. 

I feel as though because of how self-aware I am, I have come to fear people's intentions. The first semester of university, I really wanted to meet people and diversify my view of the world. It wasn't difficult for me to make friends. Most where guys. They would approach me in lectures, become acquaintances through group activities/being in the same tutorial class, or I would say 'hi' and we would start talking. But the second we exchange our facebooks and they see that I am in a relationship, suddenly I don't exist. I ended up with three people who I talked to semi-regularly. One quickly became busy with their own friends and we stopped talking very quickly, the other got a girlfriend and disappeared, but the time he came around, he had his own group of friends. The last one... well, we just can't find time to hang. Anytime I want to hang with him, it would involve taking an almost 1 hour trip to the city and then go back. Most of my days are now full with work, university or going to see Dr.Tan. The only real day I have off is the only day of the week Denne has off too. So yay.

Reflecting on it, it's kinda pathetic how I try and guard myself from social interactions. I distance myself to others at university. I don't talk in tutorials unless someone asks about how to apply a theory to whatever scenario that we are given. I feel awkward as shit when I want to open my mouth to say something, so I don't... 

Even when Mike started talking to me again and we hung out a few times, our schedules have been clashing heaps. He works night shifts as well and even when I ask on his days off, he is already doing something else. Even though it may just be that I really do get him at the wrong times, I often fall into this pit, thinking that he is just trying to avoid hanging with me nicely. 

Maybe I just think too much. It's like another thing that bothered me for a day or two. I discovered my relative's girlfriend removed me off facebook when I tried to tag her in something I thought she would like. The relative and I have been getting closer again lately, and his girlfriend is starting to go to our family gatherings more often, so I thought I'd put the effort into getting to know her more. After abruptly finding out, I wondered if I did anything to offend her. I remembered that the last time I saw her was at the last family gather where I was FUCKED UP from work. My brain was like a monkey on a tricycle. All I knew how to do was giggle at stupid things with my family. I remember she sent me a message through facebook, commenting on something about the Harry Potter scene on TV. I sat there for 5 minutes trying to figure something to reply because I thought what she said was funny. But my brain, being unable to come up with any comprehensible to say, so I sent a 'laughing so hard that I'm crying' emoji. And that was about it for our interaction for the night. 

I assumed I offended her sometime, so the next day that we had the gather, I made sure to talk to her a bit more. Mum and one of my aunts where a bit unhappy that she didn't greet everyone, but I told them that the only reason Denne knows to is that I ask him to and make sure that he does. And that is only because grandma very carefully watched over me to make sure I keep the traditions of our culture. "Don't be too hard on her, most kids can't even talk Vietnamese, let alone know our culture and how to act accordingly. She will slowly learn it like Denne"

I was doing my usual roll of doing as much of the food prep as possible. Denne helped out and she also asked to help out and she found things to do as well. Everything seemed normal. Until she said, "You guys (referring to Denne and I) have a very typical male and female relationship." I replied with, "Yeah, I was raised quite traditionally, so it's natural for me to do these things :)" She kinda frowned/scrunched her face. I didn't know how to take that.

I don't even know where this blog is going either. I'm always so self conscious of interactions. I wonder if I did something wrong or if there is something wrong with me in general. Maybe I'm just doing things to offend people without even knowing it. I do have a resting bitch face so that doesn't help does it... Iunno man.

 I just want to have one or two people in my life that I can be close friends with. Doesn't seem like it's something I am capable of.

Social interactions stress me out.