2016, for me, has been a year full of struggles and huge loses.

In May, I lost Bolt. I miss him so much words cannot explain. I still cry about it to this day, and honestly, deep down, there is still resentment towards Denne for what had happened. Walking through pet stores, I would see things that he used to love, I would see the huge bags of food that we bought monthly for him to eat, I would see new toys and joke to myself how quickly he would have destroyed it if we bought it for him. I just want my little boy back. I regret not being able to do anything to stop it from happening. I regret allowing things to get to the point it did. I miss the unique texture of his snow white fur. I miss how he would get so excited to see he that he would run laps around the house. I miss his stupid face... when he sat there waiting for food as I was cooking, but at the same time trying to contain himself to not wolfing down everything he can get in his mouth. I miss his derpy smiling face. I miss the dog park trips, where we would spend time.... before it became a chore. I miss him so much.

In August, I lost my maternal Grandfather. I had a difficult time, not only with trying to come to terms with it, but also with the doubt in regards to how genuine my reaction was towards his death. Before grandpa began to display Parkinson's symptoms, I remember that we would call Vietnam on a weekly or bi-weekly basis and I would talk to my grandparents. I remember that I was always excited to visit and I would always want to play with them. The symptoms began to show when I was very young, in my early years of primary education. I couldn't understand what was going on, but now that I look back, it was obvious that as his symptoms worsen, so did his mental state. Looking back, I remember hearing him saying how much he wanted to die. I remember him rising his voice and saying, "just let me die already!" As a kid, I couldn't understand, and rather than trying to understand and I just drifted apart from him. It was to the point where all I do is silently watch him or hold his hands while he was asleep. I felt as though I didn't have the right to be so hurt or to even cry. I didn't physically care for him, nor did I spend much time with him as his disease progressed. I didn't even rush my passport in time in order to attend his funeral. I kept saying, "I'll do it next week where I am not as busy." We then got the call that he had passed, during the week that I said I didn't have time to do it. Truthfully, if I did absolutely everything in my power to get that passport done, I would have just made it on time. I regret it. I regret not saying goodbye the last time I left Vietnam. He was asleep, and if we had woken him up to say that we are leaving, he would have cried for long after we had already left. I regret it with all my heart... and probably will for the rest of my life. 

In October, I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Though it may be a hereditary thing, I was told that the possible trigger/start to it was my parents and the pressures that my parents had exerted on me and the high standards they set. I still struggle with it, and my parents have yet to come to understand why.

Most of the beginning of the year, my relationship with Denne suffered. It really hit it's lowest when we lost Bolt. We fought a lot. I cried a lot. He didn't care for anything other than games and chilling together, and I wanted more than that from him. I was having the most difficult time with what I now know is anxiety. I didn't know if the path I had chosen to take in uni was going to work out for me. I didn't know if my relationship would work out, as were in incredibly different parts of out life. I was struggling to keep my head afloat, trying to work towards a future while he was content with looking no further than the current moment. I cannot sum up everything in a blog, but it was one of the most difficult years I've had. 

But as I sit and reflect on the year, I have accomplished more than I thought I would.

I have improved vastly on my cooking skills, and I'm now able to consistently provide Denne with meals to eat. My mental state has improved and anxiety has the tiniest bit less of a grip on me. My procrastination, though it is not gone, has improved significantly. My grades, most of all, has improved. This year, 2 subjects I achieved 5s, and 3 subjects I achieved 6s. Though I had to drop courses due to my inability to cope with the events in the later half of the year, I was able to still get that one subject in and get a 6 (though I was really close to getting a 7 and I should have studied more for it - ah no, I shouldn't be thinking like that, yay GAD). I was able to rescue a bat shit scared Moustache Parrot, and through many bites, many training sessions and a lot of bloody time, I was able to tame Momo and get him back to the companion bird he should have been. Denne and I was also able to rescue a 8 and a half year old cat. He was left behind when he previous owner left for America. We (I) named him Mr.Nibbles. It's incredible how much Mr.Nibbles LOVES his dry food. We feed our cats a grain free diet, so it's around 50% crude protein and mostly meat based products. I assume Mr.Nibbles didn't have that with his old owner since Mr.Nibbles ate it as if it was pure chicken.

There is also a lot of things I am grateful for. 

I am grateful to Dr.Bennett who was the start to my journey of improving my mental health. He let me go at my own pace, and never pushed me to do anything. 

I am grateful for Dr.Tan. I know it's his job, but I couldn't have asked for anyone better. "When you work in the psychology field, you learn to accept your mental/psychological quirks."

I am grateful for Stu, who was incredibly patient with me and driving. It has been about a month since I passed my P's test, and I miss the cruises I had with him. Even without knowing of my anxiety disorder, he worked with me and cared for nothing more than my safety and my self-confidence. I believe in him as a teacher so much that I have referred him to 5 other people so far. I couldn't have done it without him. 

I am grateful for my paternal grandparents. Grandpa for always being there smiling like the goofball he is, and Grandma for always giving me insight on my life. She is a little walking basin of compassion and enlightenment. I've been progressively visiting them more as the year went on, and now I see them about once every other week. 

I am grateful for Denne, Grandma and Chu Thinh for accepting my GAD, regardless of how much they are able to understand it. 

I am grateful for my parents for letting me live rent and bill free. I am grateful that they support me financially when I really need it; for the tablet that made university much easier for me, for the car they are adamant on buying for me, for the money for university fees or textbook that I can't afford myself. 

What I am most grateful for is Denne's improvement. I don't want to get too into it, but Denne has changed a lot within the last few months. I has achieved things he had been moaning about for years.  He now looks more into the future, striving to improve in all aspects. 

I don't even know what I am rambling on about anymore. I had a set of things I wanted to talk about, but my mind just wondered off. Welp, Happy New Year.