Reaching for Clear Skies

Another one! Today I was able to help a friend begin to take steps towards making improvements on his problems with the use of some ACT strategies. I am so grateful to have learnt some strategies to be able to implement on my own life, and the life of those who I care for.

A component of my self-care portfolio in my psychotherapy and counselling class has us write down things that we are grateful for. Here I go I guess :)

Although I have been screwed over a few times by people who I saw as close friends during high school, I am grateful for the handful of friends I currently have. To be completely honest, it really fucked with me. I really cared for two girls (from separate groups) and was willing to be there for them no matter what. I would do anything for them, even at the expense of Denne. I don't blame him for feeling a bit used back then, I did take it for granted expecting him to drive me and my friend(s) because he liked me. I would do everything I can to be there for them emotionally, when they were fighting with their boyfriends or were angry at something that happened. I always offered my shoulder for them to lean on. One girl ended up getting together with a guy who I used to have some chemistry with. Once she found out, she did a 180 and didn't want to have anything to do with me. I assumed it was out of jealousy, so I respected it and cut my friendship with the guy because I could see that he really liked her. After their relationship ended, he ended up telling me why the girl stopped talking to me, and why he ended up having to do the same. No hard feelings. With the other girl, to this day I honestly don't know why, but she went on facebook and started going to town about me. Right after that, the group who I thought were my friends, turned on me and joined in with the facebook bullying. Couldn't trust anyone after that. I always kept a distance from people and didn't want anything other than surface level interactions with them. I am grateful for people like Andrew, Marissa, who are not only friends, but are my everyday support system. I am grateful for people like Carl, who helped me begin my journey towards improving my mental health even though he had problems of his own. I am grateful for people like Ezmond, who is always willing to be there to help explain content at uni that I don't understand, and is patient enough to help me through things. I'd like to think that because of them, I am much more open to people. Even without knowing, they have helped me get over those previous betrayals, to forgive the people who did me wrong, and allowed me to be more giving towards others. 

I am grateful for my family who have wholeheartedly taken Denne in, and accepted him as being apart of our family. I am grateful for the support of my extended family, and their willingness to help without a single complain. I am grateful for my paternal grandparents, who are always looking out for my future and my happiness. I am grateful for their love, and their support of my relationship and future with Denne. I am grateful for their hope for me, their wisdom and their life lessons. I am grateful for my parents. Although our relationship have gone through very rough patches, I am grateful for the closeness mum and I have now, and I am grateful for dad's tolerance. I am grateful for the health professionals who have made a huge impact on my life. Dr. Tan has helped me turn my life around, and taught me how to manage life with GAD. I am grateful for Dr Bennett's concern, grateful that he took me seriously and his determination to help. I am grateful for the pleasant conversations we have every time I come for BCP refills. I am grateful for Denne and the 4 years we have spent together. Although things have not always been peachy, I am grateful that he is now understanding and accommodating of my condition. I am grateful for Denne driving me everywhere. I am grateful that he always wants to spend time with me. I am grateful for his affection. I am grateful for his patience and his support. I am grateful for the animals I have in my life, who give me so much joy every day.

I am grateful for all these things and more. These are the things that make me who I am.

Also I am grateful for Scott. I MIGHT have just scored a job at ebgames :D

To Bubba, 

At this point in our lives, we have been together for nearly 4 and a half years. We have been through the honeymoon phase, where all we wanted to do was throw everything we knew aside and be together. We have been through the rocky stage, where discovered our differences and fought week to week about them, unable to compromise. We have gone through a period of rapid change and personal growth. You have been there for me through my darkest times, where I struggled aimlessly to find myself and understand my internal experiences. You were there for me, encouraging me to seek answers to my demons. You were in the waiting room for a whole hour, while I received my diagnosis of a mental disorder. You were there for me during my moments of absolute fear and dread of the realisation that this mental illness is not curable, that it will be with my for the rest of my life. You were there from the very start, from the first doctor's visit, to every session with the psychologist, and everyday since then. As much as I've learnt about the intricacies of generalised anxiety disorder and how I experience it myself, you have learnt with me. You don't blame me for what I struggle with, and you extend a hand to help me, regardless of how small or irrational it feels to you. The days where I particularly struggle with GAD, you step in to make up for what I lack, however, you give my opportunities to build my resilience on days that I flourish with it. You have encouraged me through both moments of panic and intense anxiety, and moments of accomplishment. 

As you have met grandma, within such a short time, you have grown to be such an attentive and caring partner, who looks out for my every need. You have taken aboard values very different from your own, and you have come to accept and understand my traditional tendencies. You have learnt to live for me, as I too live for you. You have become much more aware of your surroundings, which in turn has allowed you to not only treasure me more, but to also treasure other things that are significant in your life. You have learnt to take on "responsibilities" that are not your's, just because of compassion and consideration. Your efforts and progression in your journey to self improvement has been one of the biggest motivators for my own journey. You encourage me to become better at managing my mental health, and become more resilient. You have encouraged me to strive towards a career I am passionate about, regardless of how it petrifies me or how many times I trip along the way. I feel reassured in doing so, because I know that every single thing I stumble, you are there to help me right back up. 

Within the last year, we have both grown hugely as individuals, and as a couple. Something I am incredibly thankful for. At this point in my life, I can say without a doubt, that I love you with everything I have. And that I hope that I can make as much of a positive impact on your life, as you have for me. I hope that I can change your life for the better, to treasure you and tend to your needs everyday that we spend together. 

I was told during my adolescence that I had no idea what love feels like. But after we have been through thick and thin, through countless struggle to get to this point right now, I can truly say that I know that feeling of loving someone. Even after 4 years, I still get excited just to be with you. I still get excited for dates. It even brings me joy to nap with you. Everyday that I tell you I love you, I mean it from the bottom of my heart. 

I love you dearly, 

Your kitty.

How we have spent most of our time together lately (lol)

I continue to blog here and there when I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts and need a place to pour it out. Sometimes I do just because I felt like it that day. 

A bit of a tangent here, but, I started blogging mainly because of Denne. It was something that Denne did and I wanted to join. It was a down low way of conveying difficult to talk about feelings to Denne. It was also a way for me to have an insight into what is going on in Denne's head. For people who know him, he's one of those people who are not very open about their thoughts and feelings. It's not that it's something he does due to distrust, he just has a hard time talking about it. 

Even though Denne and I are much closer now, and I encourage him to open up about things, that aspect of his personality is still there. It's something we are working on, but try and hold back with the prying/pressuring. Sometimes I wish that he would start blogging again for me. Maybe it's my field that makes me overly curious about mental states and the human experience, but it's one of those feelings that keeps coming back here and there. 

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Been on the roll with studying everyday! Its tiring, but I'm trying.

I FOUND THE MOTHER FUCKING RING!

The panic episode I had the night before had me absolutely exhausted for today. I made it through the day though. It has been a good day :)

Ok. So I'm crying like crazy right now... because I can't find the ring that Denne bought for me on our Phuket trip. Although things didn't start off so well with that ring. Denne was insistent on being me a ring. I saw a stone and a colour a liked, but I didn't like the band. I then saw a band I love, but the ruby on the band was really cloudy. So we got the band and changed it to the gem I liked. Turns out, it was about 100$ more than what it would have costed here in Australia. So the first day I got it, I had very mixed feelings. I felt so guilty and selfish that Denne spent so much more money than he should have on an item that I chose. But at the same time, I felt so grateful and happy that he loved me enough to spoil me like that. 

For me, the value of the ring, and the size of the stone doesn't matter to me. The ring itself though, is a different story. Denne giving me a ring means more than anything to me. I don't even know how to explain it with words. In the end, no matter the actual value of that ring, I treasure it so much because I really like how pretty it is, and because it's a symbol from the man I love that he loves me also. 

I've only had it since the 15th of July. So it's only been a month. I'm so devastated that I've been crying for the last hour while Denne is at work. I usually only take it off while showering, so i frantically went looking for it. It wasn't on the sink top, so I opened up the pip under the sink and it wasn't there also. At this point, I'm just praying that I took it off while I had an after work shower at his house this afternoon. Or I just misplaced it somewhere. 

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I keep telling Denne that I don't like jewelry and that I'm not a jewelry person. But it's a product of me being fearful of losing it considering how forgetful I am. I've had multiple scares with the necklace Denne gave me. I've lost it multiple times, but ended up finding it in the end. I'm hoping it ends the same way as the necklace.