Although life has thrown so many things towards me, it had really given me a lot of little things that makes my life worth while. Although I've been so scarred and so hurt, in the end I get the support that I have today. Although I've had my heart broken continually in the past by the same person, I  now have something special... along with a bit more knowledge added to my tool box. I can now be happy without having to sacrifice the happiness of my significant other, and make him happy without sacrificing mine. You really do have to learn on your own. The more you fall off your feet, the more you will learn how to get up and how to keep from falling.

When you fuck up bad so many times, shit only goes two ways. You be stubborn about it and be a little bitch about it, holding grudges and being stuck in the past, or you take it as a life lesson and continue moving forward. I'm so thankful to my grandmother who taught me not to hold grudges. Life is never a fairy tail right? Why pretend it is and ignore what it really is? There's going to be up and downs, whether its career wise, study wise or relationships wise. So just take life as the roller coaster it is. Holding grudges and creating dramas because it wasn't the fairy tail you wished for, then you're just going to be stuck in the past while the other continues to move on and your existence increasingly becomes insignificant. Things happen and things hurt, however, but don't be so childish about it... pride-fullness has a limit. I learnt that these holidays.

My family has gotten a bit better now thanks to the restaurant, we have spent a lot of time together as a family, working towards our business. Mum improving the recipes of the traditional soups and noodles, dad working towards the coffee making and the general appearance and appeal of the place and with me managing and training the workers, catering to the customers, and drawing in regular customers. I had a day where I just felt so unappreciated by everyone. I held up the restaurant in the first few days because I was the only one that knows how this certain restaurant runs. I worked there for 3 months and I knew how things needed to be done. However, no one listened to what I had to say because I was still a "child" in their eyes. We lost so many customers because everyone ignored me when I told then what they needed to do. The second they listened, the second things become more orderly and less hectic. I lost my shit when my dad started blaming me for things that I actually did do right. I just walked out in the middle of rush hour. I never asked for any money while I was working for my family, because they are family. They are my parents and I have lived off them for years. All I asked for was for just a tiny bit of appreciation that I was working 8-5 every single day to help push up this business.

After a few days of letting loose, I finally picked up my balls. I stopped being a little bitch with so much pride. Yeah I hated my dad for the things he did to be during a period of my life. Those things clouded how hard he worked in order to support me while I grew up. We were extremely poor. Our whole family lived under one roof. Grandma, Grandpa, My parents, and my other 3 aunty and uncles along with their wives and husbands and either kids. Every family had a room to themselves and that was it. Dad worked so hard in order to keep us together, so did mum. She worked two jobs, one was sowing clothes at home and the other was a fruit factory. Honestly think about it... 20 or less of each part she sows. Dad when to high school, then uni and work. Grandpa was always fixing the house. There was always something wrong with it. Most of my memories was with grandpa in the back helping him carry a little piece of wood or a small tool while grandma and mum was in the sowing room that we built, making piles and piles of clothes.

Back on track. All the times he lost his head towards me so badly clouded the times that hes spent with me. The times where he was obviously proud of me. Its just the type of person he is like, he hides his feelings. He sure can make it seem as though he doesn't care, but there has been so many little hints that shows he does. The times where I fall asleep in the car or on the sofa watching TV with him, rather than waking me up, he carries me to bed and tucks me in. The times that he pats my head after I get amazing grades or achievements rather than saying a word. The times where he continually walks into my room and check up on me while I'm sick. The times where he sat there in hospital with me with my illness until 2-3 in the morning, even though he leaves for work at 5 am. That day where he skipped out on work, just to sit there with me in kindergarten because I was terrified of not being with my family.

After thinking through these things so many times, I just felt like a little mother fucker. The next day I went to work, helped them out again. I put them through so much shit, as much as they have put me through. We have been continually hurting each other back and forward. I'm just like my old man in a sense, we are both prideful as fuck, and more stubborn than anything. For once, I put my pride to the side and received the same thing back from dad that day. Since then, every day after work, our family sits together at the table and eats together. Talking back to each other and putting food into each others' bowls. No one really understands how happy it actually made me. My little brother also runs to me, hugs me and greets me now. Its like, holly shit... where did all of this come from.

Like I said in a recent post. "Its spring, time for a new beginning, a new routine, a new life style." This spring, I had a goal  of improving myself as a person overall. To be happier and to bring happiness to more people. I can honestly say that I've slowly working towards that. There is some noticeable progression. Although they may only be baby steps, I hope they can take me to a place where both I and my family can be happy. I'm working to find the equilibrium, where I can enjoy my life and be who I truly am and want to be without hurting my parents in the process.

Finally letting go of a bit of my pride has done so much for me. I hope that every one else can see that too. When I stopped holding grudges and finally went, "I'm sorry for the things I have done to you and the way I treated you," life has been getting better and better.

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I know that if I say this people might think, "oh you're not over him" lalala and all. But I sincerely hope that Lan can actually learn this soon too. A few months ago, I finally let go of him because I could see what I did wrong in the relationship. I no longer blamed him for the downfall of the relationship and my broken heart. We both had fault, we both hurt each other so badly, but what mattered is that we shared such a long time together... happy. From the broken heart, Ive changed my ways. I've learnt life lessons that have served my current relationships so damn well. Lan was a massive part of my life, even when he is not around anymore, he has still effected my life in a manor in which I am now so grateful for. I no longer hate him so much for leaving me. I honestly can say that if he would actually sit down and talk to me (which he won't because he is still holding a grudge against me saying that I somehow screwed him over), I would break into tears and cry, saying "I'm sorry for what I did,but thank you so fucking much for creating a chance for me to achieve what I have achieved today. Thank you for giving me a chance to find this man that I love so much and thank you for leaving me lessons to learn in order to treat hm right," I will always see Lan as an old friend. Without any bitterness, I would wish him all the luck in the world in finding happiness as I have.

People will always come in and out of your life, there is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is how you perceive the people that leave. Rather than taking them as assholes who screwed you over, take it as a lesson. Its just another thing in your tool box in how to not hurt other people and yourself. Life is like a highway, there are always entrees and exits, you may block one exit, but you can never block them all.