Reaching for Clear Skies

Cheating as come to the forefront for me again. It's something that I could never understand. Being demisexual, infidelity has never been a fully fathomable thing in my head. I cannot be sexually attracted to someone unless I have a strong bond with them. Even when Denne and I fought a lot a few years back, I no longer found him attractive. 

I noticed that a lot of people seem to think that cheat is a normal "mistake" people make, that there is always a possibility that people can cheat due to a "moment of weakness". So this is my view on cheating, and why I will NEVER take back someone who has cheated on me.

Yes, humans are flawed. We are not perfect and we make mistakes on the daily. But not all mistakes are created equal are they. When you do something wrong, a "it was a mistake" is not always going to get you off the hook is it?

Yes, men are evolutionarily built to constantly mate with the young and most fertile female he as access to, and are evolutionarily built to mate with as many females as he can. Females are built to seek security. BUT, there is this thing we say a lot in evolutionary psychology - "just because we are build or programmed to do something, doesn't mean that it's ok." We are the most intellectually advanced species on this planet, and we got here because of our social nature. We branched off from chimps 7 million years ago, and great apes even further back than that. Those breeding behaviours evolved so that many offspring are fostered, ensuring the survival of the species. We are overpopulating the planet, there is no evolutionary or biological need for it. I think it's about time we stop blaming our "programming", and move on from those animalistic tendencies.

Yes, we cannot control what happens around us. As much as we cannot fully control whether or not we have a job, you cannot control how people approach you. As much as you think you can have a secure job, it could be thriving, but one day can fade into obscurity and you will be jobless. The great depression happened so suddenly and so unpredictably because one of the biggest banks in America went bankrupt. It's not something you can control. You can't control that people approach you and flirt with you. You can't control that people are interest in you or thirsts on you. You can't control when someone persistently pursues you, or throws themselves on you. BUT YOU HAVE CONTROL OF YOUR OWN ACTIONS. You can control whether or not you become a cheating ass hoe. It's you! If you cheat, YOU chose to cheat. It takes two to cheat. 

At the end of the day, cheating is a choice you make, with complete and utter lack of respect and love for your partner. It's a decision you make, with nothing but YOUR OWN INTERESTS in mind. It's selfish and self-serving. It's never ok to be cheated on, but people seem to be so ok with cheating on their spouses. If you truly love your spouse, cheating is not something you can even begin to entertain. If you truly love someone, no matter how beautiful or handsome someone else may be, it doesn't matter, because your spouse has much more than looks going for them. There is history, there is happiness, there is a connection and a sense of understanding of each other you share that no one else in the world can offer you. If this isn't how you feel in your current relationship, there is something very obviously wrong - and cheating is not the answer.

https://everydayfeminism.com/2017/04/mental-illness-defines-me/

This was a reading required for one of my courses. Here are some snippets from the article. 

"I have borderline personality disorder, complex PTSD, ADHD and clinical depression. The Acronyms alone are a lot sometimes. So when I'm told that these are just a 'small part of who I am', I wonder what planet these folks are living on."

"How can these very significant disorders not permeate every aspect of my life? It's not like a fashion accessory I can take on and off, or a guest that shows up every now and then. These illnesses are always present, and have been for a very long time."

"The ways i feel, think, and engage with the world have been shaped by my struggles with mental illness. They touch every relationship, every memory, every fear. How could this not, in some ways define me?"

"People will insiste that these disorders don't change anything about who I am but, instead, somehow exist apart of me. I don't actually need people to pretend they don't see my disorders, or to ignore the huge impact they've had on my life" 

See, in the field of mental illness, we use labels, acronyms, and terms to better understand the vast and unique experiences of people who struggle with mental illnesses. It helps us have a better understanding of clusters of symptoms and better predict how experiences may effect people. But what happens is that we often allow those labels to DEFINE a person. Textbook definitions of  schizophrenia involves hallucinations, delusions, catatonia, disorgnaised thoughts which results in disorganised speech, paranoia, difficulties in attention, poor processing speeds and the list goes on. It's often easy to forget that, although someone is diagnosed with a particular disorder, doesn't mean that they experience life the same way as everyone else does. There are similarities yes, as disorders are defined clusters of symptoms, but the human experience is too complex for a book to pinpoint. 

I don't allow my mental illness to define me, because I am much more than just a three letter acronym. "I wouldn't be who I am without it" - Yes, I wouldn't be who I am without it. My GAD is like a lens that I see the world through. I've struggled with it immensely. I have learnt and I have grown. When I say that my mental illness doesn't define me, it isn't to invalidate all the challenges I've done through. It shows that although I can never overcome it or be "cured" of it, I can still flourish and live my life happily. It doesn't define me because it doesn't have the death grip on my life as it once did. 

_______________________________

On that note. What I think hurts the most with mental illness is not the illness itself. I can live with it, I can trip multiple times, and still get back up on my feet. What is most painful about mental illness is when the people who you love cannot understand. What hurts the most is when you open up about your experiences or about how you feel, and you get the, "why do you have to feel/be like that?"

I don't ever expect anyone to be able to completely understand my experiences. Even in the field, I can never understand what it is like to have bipolar disorder, personality disorder, adjustment disorder, PTSD. I can never fully understand someone's experience because I will never experience it the way that they have. I can never understand what it must feel like to have audio hallucinations, hearing voices talk to you at every waking moment. What I do ask for is compassion. I would love to be "normal", to be typical. I would love to be able to live without being scared of everything. I would love to walk through life with all the confidence in the world. But I can't. My experience of the world is warped and although I can relatively control to what degree it happens at, I can never completely remove it. So why are you blaming me for my deficiencies? Just because my illness does not have a physical manifestation, doesn't mean that it's not there. You wouldn't ask someone who has speech impairments why they don't just talk like a normal person, then why would you it for someone who has a mental illness.

A lot of things have changed quite a bit. The beginning of the year lead to leaps and bounds, hence talking about it in sections would make it much more digestible.

Work: So I went to buy a mouse because my old one wouldn't stop crapping out. Got myself a G502 logitech mouse for super cheap, along with a proper mouse pad. Chatted with the previous manager, one thing lead to another and I grew the balls to ask about getting a job there. Needless to say, I got the fucking job :) Needless to say, I was shitting bricks at every bloody turn. What freaked me out the most was the phone... I HATE phones... but that damn thing rings constantly and I had to just suck it up and (painfully & awkwardly) beast through it. After 2 shifts, a sudden change in managers left me very anxious. I was only technically contracted for the christmas season, and now that the manager changed, I was no longer guaranteed a position after the holidays. The restaurant situation was also very difficult, and mum was stressed af. Needless to say it was a difficult time trying to push through the rest of the year without a cluster fuck of a stumble. After spending time with the grandparents and getting pep talks left and right from both them and Denne, I just shoved my head down and worked as hard as I could. I've worked two jobs for the past 2 months. There are times where I will have two weeks without a break, but my bank account isn't complaining. Even with some impulsive spending, a half week trip to the gold coast and theme parks with the kids, christmas presents etc, I still managed to save an average of $400/w. Finally reached 5k in the savings account for the first time ever. It makes such a huge difference when you're getting paid proper wages. Pretty much the majority of what I make at the new job goes straight into the savings account.

I'm now a permanent member of the team, and I can't deny that it makes me really happy. I like the people that I work with. It feels more like going to see friends more than going to work. My new manager, although kinda freaked me out to begin with, is a great dude. Once I got to understand how he functions, he's a grade A dude, so as every single other person that works at the store. It's great to go to work without crazy hours and constant running. The benefits are fucking great too. There really isnt anything to complain about at all... wait, I'm lying. The POS is H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E. Also, being the area we are situated in... lots of people are crazy, drunk or high off something. But other than that, I'm loving my job. Once I go back to uni, I'm quitting the restaurant to continue with the new job. Going to make saving much easier considering I really only have 2 days on campus.

Hobby: The amount of time I'm spending on games has dramatically reduced. I'm usually working 6-7 days a week, so my brain is in no condition to play dota without being a useless feeding potato. Plus, Denne doesnt play anymore either. Hes playing PUBG only nowadays. It's kinda disappointing, to not be able to play with each other anymore, but the bright side is that we are spending more quality time together. So I'm satisfied in that department. I've picked up cross stitching again and I'm really enjoying it. Started with a small and relatively simple kit. Denne took me to spotlight the other week to buy a embroidery hoop and omfg does it make a difference in the quality of the stitches. There is next to no image distortion :) I'm a happy camper. While we were there, we found aida cloth. The cloth that I chose from the pile turned out to be on clearance for about 10$ rather that >30$, so I obviously jumped on that. I got a WHOLE METRE... No kidding, it's gonna last me FOREEEEVVVEEEEEEEEEEEER. There was also a whole aisle of a shit tonne of colours of DMC embroidery floss. I'm already about half way through this kit. The second I am done, I am gonna look up so patterns on etzy. Going to save so much money on the kits itself. Obviously it's going to cost a decent amount of money to begin collecting the embroidery floss, but it will get to a point where I'm gonna have more than I am missing. THERE ARE SO MANY COLOURS!!!! The whole time Denne was like, "staaph." Haha. I can see why I stopped going to spotlight.... I want EVERYTHING in there. I can see myself ending up being that mum that sews her kids clothes or picking up sewing as a hobby. Talk about old fashion right?

Also, I'm kinda excited to start on a new pattern... to get all them colours :D Probably going to need to find a storage system for the floss. I also want to make an ID chart for the colours as well. Apparently DMC is a big brand for embroidery floss, so find a way to systematically organise them shouldnt be hard :)

New Year Resolution: I really don't like the "new year, new me" bs. Just because a new year came, doesn't mean that you can do a complete 180. You are the way you are because the things you do day to day are habits. Habits doesn't change when the clock ticks 12. This isn't Cinderella lol. My goals for 2018 is to work passionately with projects I am currently engaged in, whether it be at work or at university. I don't want to keep getting lost in anxiety, thinking about how to get to where I want or if I can even get there. I will invest my energy in whatever short term project I am involved in.

Starting in 2018, I want to live my life in accordance to my values. I want to be true to myself rather than trying to make others happy while disregarding what I want in life. The first thing I did with this is telling mum that I'm getting a double helix ear piercing. I've always held back on piercings and tattoos because I didn't want mum to be upset at me, but fuck it. I want to do what makes me happy. Yes, maybe I won't want to keep the piercing for the rest of my life, I might take it out in a few years, or a few decades. But getting the piercing is what I've wanted for the past few years, and it is something I want to do. Soooooooo thats happening some time soon. I have also let my parents know that I am leaving the restaurant. I want to move forward in life. I want to build a future with denne and gain independence. I want to invest in my own property, I want to build something better than what I have, and it's not something I can do at the restaurant.

I also wanted to learn to love myself more. At this point in my life, I have embraced my GAD. My journey with anxiety is like Thomas Sander's journey with Virgil... It's just that GAD doesn't have a name yet haha. I can better appreciate anxiety for what benefits it brings to me, while at the same time manage it better. What I've struggled with more is my body image issues. I have low self esteem when it comes to how I look. I've been unhappy with how I've looked recently after gaining a few kgs since high school. I thought it was just insecurity, but I ended up coming to the conclusion that I was truly unhappy with how I looked. To add to that, my diet was horrible. To improve on that, I've reduced my meal portions rather than going on a strict diet. It doesn't make me happy to eat "healthy" foods and only be restricted to a handful of things. My diet is pretty much the same, only that I eat less, add more veges and fruits as snacks, drink less sugary drinks and drink more water. It's no painful at all. I've gone from 47 to about 44kgs in 2-3 months, purely because i'm eating less shit and keeping hydrated. Another thing in this regard, I've completely stopped wearing contacts. Yes I do wear eyeshadow from the Kat Von D palette, that Denne gave to me for christmas, to contour my eyes a bit. But other than that, no contacts. Anywhere.

Relationship: The dynamic of our relationship has changed a lot. It's hard to explain, but long story short we are working better together as a unit than ever before. We are both more in tuned with each other and are better looking after each other's needs. We are fast approaching 5 years :)

I'm a potato. Working so much lately. I think I just fried my brain haha.

I've always been weird about people touching my head. Generally, I absolutely hate it. I tolerate it from people like mum or aunts/family friends. But I generally don't like being touched on the head. Though there are a handful of people who pat my head and it feels very comforting. Sometimes I kinda yearn for it, most of the time it's when I'm slitly inebriated :D. With grandpa I feel very affectionate towards him, like others who I am fond of in he sense of 'looking up to'. Very few have made me feel butterflies and tingly though. Can't blame a girl for missing that feeling here and there. When I miss that feeling, I let my inner fujoshi run wild and free ahaha.

What I'm saying at this point isn't even comprehensible is it. Oh well, till next time.

Any man who goes around saying 'I am the king' is no true king - Tywin Lannister 

You show others who you are or what type of person you are through your actions, not your words. Are guys who proclaim to be 'nice guys' really nice, when they have to go around telling everyone they are a nice guy? Or are they just bitter and trying to blame the girl for being blind to how much of an 'amazing boyfriend' they are? Are you really smart when you constantly have to tell people you are? Are you really kind if you have to tell people that you are kind for them to know? 

Everyone has this image of themselves. An imagine of how they'd like to see themselves as. It reflects their values and the type of person they would hope themselves to be. But not everyone is in tune with it. We have a tendency to act automatically or act upon impulses. To be able to achieve what we hope ourselves to be, we need to be aware of our values. Once we are, we are more able to make decisions based on them, so that we could truly become the _______ person we see ourselves to be.

So... I've decided what I wanted to do during the holidays. I said 'fuck it' to the summer semester :D I had a bit of a break down while on the way to dinner with Denne when he mentioned that I'm wearing myself out. I guess he recognised my burn out earlier than I did. He probably doesn't even realised that he just pointed it out. It was one of those moments that reminded me, "waah, maybe you're not as derp as you make yourself out to be." Haha. I was experiencing textbook symptoms of burnout and was completely oblivious to my own mental health. Physical and emotion exhaustion, detachment, feelings of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment, always feeling fatigued, insomnia, blared vision, sometimes bouts of dizziness, lack of appetite and mild depressive like symptoms. 

IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

I need a break from studying and the anxiety that comes along with it. I need some time off. I'll be spending my holidays working a lot and trying to save up some money. I'll be started at EB on Wednesday! I'm so excited!! I can't wait to start working with Scott and work in a more stable and structured environment! 

I am grateful for how kind and accommodating Scott has been. I hope to be able to embody those traits and be able to treat others in the same way. 

Now, to get back to my last piece of assessment for the year of 2017. I'm almost done. So close, yet so tired, and still have enough energy in me to feel some hints of anxiety.

You can FEEEEEL the emotion in ever damn lyric she sings!

Ok, so quick update. So the crazy week is finally done. I just finished 2 quizzes (total of 10%) and my last major paper for this semester (30%). So within the last week, I completed assessments that are worth nearly half the marks in one of my courses. Talk about pressure right? Although the marks are only taken from the best 8 quizzes out of 10, I couldn't help but feel the pressure of wanting excel. Particularly because I did't do too well in two of the quizzes during the semester. I really want to get rid of the 6/10 and 7/10 that I'm not too proud of LOL. I recognise that it's a tad bit childish and over-reactive considering those aren't terrible scores, but I just hoped to do better. With those ticked off the list, I am finally on my last week. Now the only thing I have left is a therapy role-play reflection (5%) which I have submitted in advance, the self-practice portfolio (7%) and an online quiz (10%). Then I am free... that is unless I actually decide to take another summer semester. 

At this point I either have 2 options; (a) I take an equivalent of #2 units during the summer, whether that be 1 full elective course worth #2 units or 2 research courses worth #1 unit each, so that I can have 5 full courses to spread between semester 1 and 2 of 2018, OR (b) take the summer off and spend it working and saving up money towards something big in the future and proceed to spread 6 full courses between semester 1 and 2 of 2018. They both have their ups and downs. Option a, although the summer will be full considering I now have two jobs, that would lighten the load for my last year of university, and will give me more time overall during the year to work part-time. Although the summer would most probably involve some degree of stress, maybe even more than I'd anticipate considering that mum seems to be trying to get me to work more days, overall it could serve as a back up in case a course doesn't work out for me and I end up dropping it. But then again, if that does happen, I can take the 2018/2019 summer semester to finish any units that I missed. With option b, I'd be much less stressful, and the transition will be much better during the summer. I could work it out until I just have the job at EB, i.e. helping the family restaurant find people and train people to replace me. I honestly feel like I really want to move on from there. Although to most people, it might not seem like that, but to me, the restaurant has been one of those things in my life that I felt was holding me back. More like... I've used it as a safety net, not wanting to reach out for more because I was too afraid of failure and things going wrong. At this point in my life, I feel as though I've got a strong enough grasp on my GAD and grew enough balls to making actions that are committed to what I value in life. Don't get me wrong, I've been enjoying my time at the restaurant much more since my mental health journey began. Since I worked with my anxiety, I become more able to tolerate my immediate emotional reactions and challenged my insecurities to allow myself to be more open with others and more genuine. Generally, making good coffee, makes me happy. Well... more like seeing people happy makes me happy :) I'm just spewing words at this point aren't I haha. 

All in all, I got a decision to make soon. I'll make my decisions, I'll take committed actions based on what I value in life, and I'll see where life takes me. I am grateful for the opportunities that I have been given in life :)

The exam for psychopathology is finished and there is only 1 more major assignment left. Though there are a few more assessments left, a lot of it is tying up loose ends and proof reading before submission. I'm grateful for being able to finish a small reflective paper early, as it makes it even easier. I will admit though, I did not have a fun time with that exam. After hearing feedback during the tutorials, seems like the majority did not like how the content was covered in the exam. Most mentioned that it was frustrating how it was very little about the therapy processes and underlying theories, and more about empirical studies and case studies. I too wished it was more about the therapies, which was what most of my knowledge was in. Considering that you're in the class to learn about the various available therapy methods, you'd think that's the majority of what they would test you on and then a bit on the effectiveness and related studies. Nope, it was the other way around :D It's a bit ridiculous to be asked the exact outcome of a study when you are presented with a couple of dozen papers throughout the course. Needless to say, that exam, although not weighted very heavily took the crap out of me.

It's been a few days since the exam, but I still feel exhausted. Exhausted is a bit of a basic term to explain how I currently feels. It's more accurate to say my mood and emotions are low. I feel "flat" or "eh". It's weird, considering anxiety is usually always there, but it feels like it's on vacay. I literally just sat there going through the 90 pages of data for my last major paper of this semester, without any feeling at all. No experience of anxiety or anything. I got lost constantly and at almost every turn, I did something wrong and wasted a bit of time where and there trying to extract about a page worth of relevant statistics. But not a single fuck was given. I got lost, I just looked at the handout again and just figured it out. Not a single fuck was given. I get I'm emphasing on it a lot, but holly shit I really could not give two fucks. Considering I have an anxiety disorder, it's so weird. I would usually panic with just ordering the same coffee I do everyday. I would go the long way to avoid all the university political groups coming at you with fliers like vultures. But today I just walked straight through, they ran out me and I just said, "I'm good mate." And when they kept going at it, I just looked them in the eye and said, "I'm not kidding, I'm good." Before they could peep another word, I just went, "no," and went about my day. Like what? whats happening with me lately LOL

I also don't feel the need for anything that I usually do. I don't feel the need to have a video or something on to keep my anxious mind distracted. I don't feel the need for comfort or contact with anyone. I don't feel the need to play Dota, nor do I feel the need for rewards after my study sets. Actually... I haven't even done study sets, I just sat down and did work. No type of gratification is poking at me to be fulfilled. I don't feel the need to have to talk with anyone either. 

#LowMood wooh

Another one! Today I was able to help a friend begin to take steps towards making improvements on his problems with the use of some ACT strategies. I am so grateful to have learnt some strategies to be able to implement on my own life, and the life of those who I care for.

A component of my self-care portfolio in my psychotherapy and counselling class has us write down things that we are grateful for. Here I go I guess :)

Although I have been screwed over a few times by people who I saw as close friends during high school, I am grateful for the handful of friends I currently have. To be completely honest, it really fucked with me. I really cared for two girls (from separate groups) and was willing to be there for them no matter what. I would do anything for them, even at the expense of Denne. I don't blame him for feeling a bit used back then, I did take it for granted expecting him to drive me and my friend(s) because he liked me. I would do everything I can to be there for them emotionally, when they were fighting with their boyfriends or were angry at something that happened. I always offered my shoulder for them to lean on. One girl ended up getting together with a guy who I used to have some chemistry with. Once she found out, she did a 180 and didn't want to have anything to do with me. I assumed it was out of jealousy, so I respected it and cut my friendship with the guy because I could see that he really liked her. After their relationship ended, he ended up telling me why the girl stopped talking to me, and why he ended up having to do the same. No hard feelings. With the other girl, to this day I honestly don't know why, but she went on facebook and started going to town about me. Right after that, the group who I thought were my friends, turned on me and joined in with the facebook bullying. Couldn't trust anyone after that. I always kept a distance from people and didn't want anything other than surface level interactions with them. I am grateful for people like Andrew, Marissa, who are not only friends, but are my everyday support system. I am grateful for people like Carl, who helped me begin my journey towards improving my mental health even though he had problems of his own. I am grateful for people like Ezmond, who is always willing to be there to help explain content at uni that I don't understand, and is patient enough to help me through things. I'd like to think that because of them, I am much more open to people. Even without knowing, they have helped me get over those previous betrayals, to forgive the people who did me wrong, and allowed me to be more giving towards others. 

I am grateful for my family who have wholeheartedly taken Denne in, and accepted him as being apart of our family. I am grateful for the support of my extended family, and their willingness to help without a single complain. I am grateful for my paternal grandparents, who are always looking out for my future and my happiness. I am grateful for their love, and their support of my relationship and future with Denne. I am grateful for their hope for me, their wisdom and their life lessons. I am grateful for my parents. Although our relationship have gone through very rough patches, I am grateful for the closeness mum and I have now, and I am grateful for dad's tolerance. I am grateful for the health professionals who have made a huge impact on my life. Dr. Tan has helped me turn my life around, and taught me how to manage life with GAD. I am grateful for Dr Bennett's concern, grateful that he took me seriously and his determination to help. I am grateful for the pleasant conversations we have every time I come for BCP refills. I am grateful for Denne and the 4 years we have spent together. Although things have not always been peachy, I am grateful that he is now understanding and accommodating of my condition. I am grateful for Denne driving me everywhere. I am grateful that he always wants to spend time with me. I am grateful for his affection. I am grateful for his patience and his support. I am grateful for the animals I have in my life, who give me so much joy every day.

I am grateful for all these things and more. These are the things that make me who I am.

Also I am grateful for Scott. I MIGHT have just scored a job at ebgames :D

To Bubba, 

At this point in our lives, we have been together for nearly 4 and a half years. We have been through the honeymoon phase, where all we wanted to do was throw everything we knew aside and be together. We have been through the rocky stage, where discovered our differences and fought week to week about them, unable to compromise. We have gone through a period of rapid change and personal growth. You have been there for me through my darkest times, where I struggled aimlessly to find myself and understand my internal experiences. You were there for me, encouraging me to seek answers to my demons. You were in the waiting room for a whole hour, while I received my diagnosis of a mental disorder. You were there for me during my moments of absolute fear and dread of the realisation that this mental illness is not curable, that it will be with my for the rest of my life. You were there from the very start, from the first doctor's visit, to every session with the psychologist, and everyday since then. As much as I've learnt about the intricacies of generalised anxiety disorder and how I experience it myself, you have learnt with me. You don't blame me for what I struggle with, and you extend a hand to help me, regardless of how small or irrational it feels to you. The days where I particularly struggle with GAD, you step in to make up for what I lack, however, you give my opportunities to build my resilience on days that I flourish with it. You have encouraged me through both moments of panic and intense anxiety, and moments of accomplishment. 

As you have met grandma, within such a short time, you have grown to be such an attentive and caring partner, who looks out for my every need. You have taken aboard values very different from your own, and you have come to accept and understand my traditional tendencies. You have learnt to live for me, as I too live for you. You have become much more aware of your surroundings, which in turn has allowed you to not only treasure me more, but to also treasure other things that are significant in your life. You have learnt to take on "responsibilities" that are not your's, just because of compassion and consideration. Your efforts and progression in your journey to self improvement has been one of the biggest motivators for my own journey. You encourage me to become better at managing my mental health, and become more resilient. You have encouraged me to strive towards a career I am passionate about, regardless of how it petrifies me or how many times I trip along the way. I feel reassured in doing so, because I know that every single thing I stumble, you are there to help me right back up. 

Within the last year, we have both grown hugely as individuals, and as a couple. Something I am incredibly thankful for. At this point in my life, I can say without a doubt, that I love you with everything I have. And that I hope that I can make as much of a positive impact on your life, as you have for me. I hope that I can change your life for the better, to treasure you and tend to your needs everyday that we spend together. 

I was told during my adolescence that I had no idea what love feels like. But after we have been through thick and thin, through countless struggle to get to this point right now, I can truly say that I know that feeling of loving someone. Even after 4 years, I still get excited just to be with you. I still get excited for dates. It even brings me joy to nap with you. Everyday that I tell you I love you, I mean it from the bottom of my heart. 

I love you dearly, 

Your kitty.

How we have spent most of our time together lately (lol)

I continue to blog here and there when I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts and need a place to pour it out. Sometimes I do just because I felt like it that day. 

A bit of a tangent here, but, I started blogging mainly because of Denne. It was something that Denne did and I wanted to join. It was a down low way of conveying difficult to talk about feelings to Denne. It was also a way for me to have an insight into what is going on in Denne's head. For people who know him, he's one of those people who are not very open about their thoughts and feelings. It's not that it's something he does due to distrust, he just has a hard time talking about it. 

Even though Denne and I are much closer now, and I encourage him to open up about things, that aspect of his personality is still there. It's something we are working on, but try and hold back with the prying/pressuring. Sometimes I wish that he would start blogging again for me. Maybe it's my field that makes me overly curious about mental states and the human experience, but it's one of those feelings that keeps coming back here and there. 

______________________________________

Been on the roll with studying everyday! Its tiring, but I'm trying.

I FOUND THE MOTHER FUCKING RING!

The panic episode I had the night before had me absolutely exhausted for today. I made it through the day though. It has been a good day :)

Ok. So I'm crying like crazy right now... because I can't find the ring that Denne bought for me on our Phuket trip. Although things didn't start off so well with that ring. Denne was insistent on being me a ring. I saw a stone and a colour a liked, but I didn't like the band. I then saw a band I love, but the ruby on the band was really cloudy. So we got the band and changed it to the gem I liked. Turns out, it was about 100$ more than what it would have costed here in Australia. So the first day I got it, I had very mixed feelings. I felt so guilty and selfish that Denne spent so much more money than he should have on an item that I chose. But at the same time, I felt so grateful and happy that he loved me enough to spoil me like that. 

For me, the value of the ring, and the size of the stone doesn't matter to me. The ring itself though, is a different story. Denne giving me a ring means more than anything to me. I don't even know how to explain it with words. In the end, no matter the actual value of that ring, I treasure it so much because I really like how pretty it is, and because it's a symbol from the man I love that he loves me also. 

I've only had it since the 15th of July. So it's only been a month. I'm so devastated that I've been crying for the last hour while Denne is at work. I usually only take it off while showering, so i frantically went looking for it. It wasn't on the sink top, so I opened up the pip under the sink and it wasn't there also. At this point, I'm just praying that I took it off while I had an after work shower at his house this afternoon. Or I just misplaced it somewhere. 

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I keep telling Denne that I don't like jewelry and that I'm not a jewelry person. But it's a product of me being fearful of losing it considering how forgetful I am. I've had multiple scares with the necklace Denne gave me. I've lost it multiple times, but ended up finding it in the end. I'm hoping it ends the same way as the necklace.

So I got my marks back for the first quiz I completed last week for course social topics in psychology. As I probably stated in previous blog posts, GAD the old fella has been hanging around more recently and is quite chatty. So even when I've gone the quizzes, I'd just be anxious for the next one, and for the results of the previous. I sat there for a quite with the notification, not really wanting to open it in case it was bad, but at the same time wanting to open it because a part of me wants it over and done with. I ended up opening it, and to my surprise, I got full marks. Yay to my first 5% of the semester. 

I also received feedback on my human measurement practice quiz I did last week. I pretty much landed back in Brisbane on the evening before the quiz. I woke up before 8 to scoot to the tutorial. I was pretty behind on the content and the materials for that week. The lecturer gave us content for a 2 hour lecture, a 50 minute recording of correlations revision we needed to go through, plus three 10+ page hand/guidebooks to Assignment 1, 2 and the in tutorial quizzes. I think that was what overwhelmed me the most, particularly because it took me a quite to get through all that content. I need to take more breathers than I had anticipated, because I kept feeling as though I was on that verge of panicking due to being overwhelmed. I also didn't feel as though I did too well on the practice quiz, since most of my answers were just the most educated guesses I could make, based on stats knowledge from previous years. What I trying to say is that it didn't necessarily feel as though I knew the answer, rather I kinda had an idea of what was not right... if that makes any sense at all. 

Anywho, it turns out that I got 80% on that quiz. I was thoroughly surprised. The guy that's been sitting next to me in that tutorial said something that really stuck with me. 

"I think you give yourself much less credit that you deserve."

And it's probably true. I've had more than one person say that to me, more so recently. Though I think that hearing it from someone I just met for the second time hit me a little harder. The lecturer for my human measurement course also said something similar to everyone during our first lecture. To keep it short and concise, he reminded us that we are studying a third year subject in one of the top 3 universities in Australia, which is also in the top 50 of the world. He told us that we should all give ourselves more credit for that, whether or not we end up in the psychology field that we intended. 

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P.S. Met a new friend last week during the human measurement class. Talked to Ezmond and Quan more because I was familiar with them and I was having one of those shy days where GAD had more influence. A few days passed, and it turns out that she is in my social psyc class AND the tutorial as well. We sat on the same table and both of us were like, '"am I going crazy, or does she look familiar?"

We had a 2 hour break between our tutorial and the lecture for the same course, so we spent the whole time talking and obsessing over food. We ended up arranging a food date at Taro this friday. To add to that, after the human measurement lecture today, we ended up miraculously recruiting both Ezmond and Quan to come to. Friday is going to be interesting :)

A new semester brings a whole new challenge. This semester, I am only doing 3 subjects. Last semester I visited the academic adviser for the school of psychology, and I was told that two of the courses I chose for this semester are quick challenging. She wasn't kidding. Turns out, I will not have ANY final exams this semester... but instead, I'll have a minimum of 3 assessments to submit per week. The thing is, studies have shown that a single high-stakes assessment is a horrible way of measuring the ability of students. If you fuck up on that one thing that's worth half your overall grades, you're fucked. What is more effective at not only measuring skill, but also facilitates learning is multiple small-stakes assessments throughout the semester. Hence, most of the 2nd, 3rd and 4th year courses have remodeled their curriculum to involve weekly, fortnightly or monthly quizzes that are done under exam conditions in class. I have three of those this semester (yay).

So this semester, every week I have: 

1. A quiz for my human measurement class

2. A short answer essay for my social psychology course 

3. A one page essay for the social psychology course also

I have bits and bobs everywhere for my counselling and psychotherapy class, along with 2 written assignments for the human measurement course. All in all, although I won't be stressing for finals, every week during this semester will be quite full on. There is a lot of assessments to complete and I need to be on top of my shit every week. I've been overwhelmed trying to catch up with week 1 content, but I've been managing. I don't think the actual load is tooooooooooo crazy considering that I'm only taking 3 courses to make up for it. Rather, it's just the anxiety that is talking to me a lot. 

I just need to manage my time and GAD. I need to be able to tell GAD to fuck off. I also need to not get tunnel visioned with wanting to spend time with Denne and putting uni aside too. We will both be very busy in this half of the year, and we already can barely see each other. I need to be more resilient!

Hoping for a good end to the year. I'll keep hustling through!

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P.S. HOLLY SHIT GAME OF THRONES SEASON 7 THOUGH! 

I'm hoping that Jaime will turn on Cersei and be the valonqar that kills her. Also, that Arya is the one that kills Little Finger with the Valyrian steel dagger that he used to kill her father. It's obvious that Bran already knows everything that Little Finger did to contribute to the war, and that he betrayed the Starks in more than one way. That cunt is going to DIE! (Yes, a bit obsessed)

While at work - "Uncle Thinh, are you a jealous person?"

"What do you mean by this?

"Well, I know you guys have been together since you were in your late teens, so I was wondering if you ever got jealous of another guy throughout the years"

"You know... the great thing about your aunt is that she has never given me a reason to be jealous"

I was taken aback for a bit. So while doing miscellaneous things around the restaurant, I thought about what he said and reflected back on my relationship. I'm quite grateful for how my relationship with Denne has matured over the past year. I'm also grateful for how much we both have grown as individuals. Other than the one time in our first year of being together, Denne has not given me another reason to be jealous. 

I used to be incredibly insecure and scared of being cheated on when I learnt about an ex's 'adventures' when he went partying without me. I was told so by people who were close to him and close to me at the time, but I honestly still don't know if things actually happened the way I was told it did. Regardless, at that time, I was incredibly vulnerable, and that information did not help me what so ever. At that point, Denne and I had the first major fight in our relationship. Rather than comforting me after we talked things through, he went to have lunch with someone. Long story short, she told him to break up with me. Especially since she had just split from a long term relationship, she kept seeking comfort in him; asking for him to drop things and come spend time with her out of the blue, or wanting to sleep over his place. Given the circumstances, I think jealousy is quite a reasonable emotional response. 

I can honestly say that after we were able to work it through and come to understand each other's perspectives more, he has never given me the reason to be jealous. He works night shifts, and although it made me anxious to begin with (most probably GAD talking to me) I quickly became accustomed to it; although I will admit that sometimes I do get lonely when we are both busy. I need to be reasonable, and not give in or feed my anxiety by holding Denne too tight just to calm it down. But Denne was also reasonable with me and GAD, in that he would tell me that he got home safe from work, or gave me a heads up that he is going out to the pub with Maria and other co-workers. He came to understand the extent of my GAD, and understood that my intentions were not to keep tabs on where he was, rather it was to calm or prevent my anxious (and sometimes down right obsessive) thought processes. More of 'btw honey, I'm not dead' rather than 'can I do have a drink with my mates?'

After reflecting on it, I came to the realisation that... I no longer have any insecurities of being cheated on anymore. At the end of the day, I have grown because I am more able to recognise when GAD is talking or reacting. Although it will most probably never go away, although it may be a diagnosis that I live with for the rest of my life, I have learnt to manage it. I am now able to flourish, regardless of the mental illness. Denne has grown to be much more responsible, empathetic and aware of other's perspectives. He has become incredibly attentive to my anxiety, being able to spot out when I am struggling and stepping in to help me. He is happy to make up for what I lack in, as much as I am happy to do so too. 

Yes, we are human, we are flawed, we make mistakes. But regardless, I think we all deserve to be with someone who loves us enough to never give us a reason to feel jealous.