Well, yeah... It's weird, but I'm talking to my ex-boyfriend again.
I know people might say shit and all, but fuck you =) After Mel broke off the relationship, and Lan finding out things about Evan (honestly don't know how the fuck he even did, but that is some fucking good detective skills), we started talking again. I'm a person that hates change, I get over people and things eventually, but I still think "I can't believe that happened" for a very long time afterwards. Yes I am fucked up in the head =3
Anywho, been talking to him for the past two days. Since he is with optus I don't need to watch how much I text him (since its still the same number where there is unlimited txts to optus that I made to text him back then). My brain is like "holly shit, this dude is now just a dude you know. He has not significance in your life what so ever. Now you belong to Denne, and _____, ______, ______, ________ has happened. Your love has changed, its not towards this dude anymore, its to Denne."
It all just hits me in the face and I'm like, ... "shiet, true, things changed so much" and my brain puts two pictures together. Side by side is my past with Lan and my present with Denne.
I tend to get stuck in the past, dwelling over things that have been long gone, however things have changed. Things have progressed from an addictive, inexperienced, hurtful love into a more mature, straight forward/truthful love, with an irresistible attachment.
I don't exactly know where things are going with this blog, but talking to the ex really made it hit me in the face. "Things changed". I honestly smiled as the memories ran through. Things really do happen for a reason don't they?~
Its 3.30 ish in the morning, and once again, I'm having trouble sleeping. Its so lame that my sleeping problem is going coming back, YAY. I haven't blogged for a while so what the hey?
Yesterday I drank a considerable amount. It has been so long since I drank, let alone drink as much as I did. I had about 2 and a half beers, (the half with Denne) in the afternoon before most people came. Then at least 10-15 mouth fulls of Jim Bean, along with another 2 or so beers within a one to two hour time span. You loose track of time so easily while you're under the influence that its amazing. I swear though, that something was up with that honey soy chicken I had in the afternoon. Got a stomach ache from it. Doesn't really help with drinking, found that out the hard way. Puked a bit of it out and felt better.
I never realized how much other girls drink. My boyfriend said he was proud as fuck that I can drink beet easily. I ask him why and he said, "My girlfriend can drink beer. She isn't a bitch/pussy when it comes to drinks." Hahas, had a good laugh after that. I never really thought that drinking shots from the bottle was that rare. My old group of friends did that and that only every time we drank. Shot cups? Fuck that, too messy. Once people have about 5 or so standards (usually after starting off with the shot song) no mother fucker can pour alcohol from that glass bottle into a tiny as fuck 30 mL cup. Fuck that shit. Hobo bag it (without the bag LOL), suck it the fuck up, and scull it. That was how things were.Mr Kevin Le and a number of different people seemed so surprised when I sculled a good 6+ mouth fulls, not to mention drinking beers like soft drink too. Its probs because I "look like a kid/ looks a lot younger for my age," but oh well. In a way I'm proud, and not so proud at the same time .-.
A lot of things happened (I think). Teddy doesn't seem to think that there can be anything that can be considered as "too private". Somehow he started talking about something bout "swallowing" and he shouted out to Denne, "OMG DENNE YOU LUCKY BASTARD! DOES SHE SWALLOW?!??!?!" Well something a long that line, including something about me drinking too but I can't remember as much.
While we are on this topic, Denne's friends seem to think that Denne is Lucky. I didn't feel so well, so I went into Tai's room (Mr host). Fuck that was one comfy bed... Anywho, after a long while, some of Denne's friends come in too. Teddy, Leon, Tai, Kevin. I remember Kevin and Teddy going on again about Denne being lucky (swallowing and drinking thing again). Leon then started getting serious and said, "but nah, I've never seen Denne so happy before, not after meeting you," In his drunken, happy state, he proceeds to say how much happier Denne has become, and how Denne would love me so much. Its just amazing hearing these things from a friend that Denne has know for so long, not to mention with others agreeing.
I'm so happy that I'm with him. I'm also happy that I can make him happier than he has ever been too. I love you Denne... *smiles like a rtart*
Although life has thrown so many things towards me, it had really given me a lot of little things that makes my life worth while. Although I've been so scarred and so hurt, in the end I get the support that I have today. Although I've had my heart broken continually in the past by the same person, I now have something special... along with a bit more knowledge added to my tool box. I can now be happy without having to sacrifice the happiness of my significant other, and make him happy without sacrificing mine. You really do have to learn on your own. The more you fall off your feet, the more you will learn how to get up and how to keep from falling.
When you fuck up bad so many times, shit only goes two ways. You be stubborn about it and be a little bitch about it, holding grudges and being stuck in the past, or you take it as a life lesson and continue moving forward. I'm so thankful to my grandmother who taught me not to hold grudges. Life is never a fairy tail right? Why pretend it is and ignore what it really is? There's going to be up and downs, whether its career wise, study wise or relationships wise. So just take life as the roller coaster it is. Holding grudges and creating dramas because it wasn't the fairy tail you wished for, then you're just going to be stuck in the past while the other continues to move on and your existence increasingly becomes insignificant. Things happen and things hurt, however, but don't be so childish about it... pride-fullness has a limit. I learnt that these holidays.
My family has gotten a bit better now thanks to the restaurant, we have spent a lot of time together as a family, working towards our business. Mum improving the recipes of the traditional soups and noodles, dad working towards the coffee making and the general appearance and appeal of the place and with me managing and training the workers, catering to the customers, and drawing in regular customers. I had a day where I just felt so unappreciated by everyone. I held up the restaurant in the first few days because I was the only one that knows how this certain restaurant runs. I worked there for 3 months and I knew how things needed to be done. However, no one listened to what I had to say because I was still a "child" in their eyes. We lost so many customers because everyone ignored me when I told then what they needed to do. The second they listened, the second things become more orderly and less hectic. I lost my shit when my dad started blaming me for things that I actually did do right. I just walked out in the middle of rush hour. I never asked for any money while I was working for my family, because they are family. They are my parents and I have lived off them for years. All I asked for was for just a tiny bit of appreciation that I was working 8-5 every single day to help push up this business.
After a few days of letting loose, I finally picked up my balls. I stopped being a little bitch with so much pride. Yeah I hated my dad for the things he did to be during a period of my life. Those things clouded how hard he worked in order to support me while I grew up. We were extremely poor. Our whole family lived under one roof. Grandma, Grandpa, My parents, and my other 3 aunty and uncles along with their wives and husbands and either kids. Every family had a room to themselves and that was it. Dad worked so hard in order to keep us together, so did mum. She worked two jobs, one was sowing clothes at home and the other was a fruit factory. Honestly think about it... 20 or less of each part she sows. Dad when to high school, then uni and work. Grandpa was always fixing the house. There was always something wrong with it. Most of my memories was with grandpa in the back helping him carry a little piece of wood or a small tool while grandma and mum was in the sowing room that we built, making piles and piles of clothes.
Back on track. All the times he lost his head towards me so badly clouded the times that hes spent with me. The times where he was obviously proud of me. Its just the type of person he is like, he hides his feelings. He sure can make it seem as though he doesn't care, but there has been so many little hints that shows he does. The times where I fall asleep in the car or on the sofa watching TV with him, rather than waking me up, he carries me to bed and tucks me in. The times that he pats my head after I get amazing grades or achievements rather than saying a word. The times where he continually walks into my room and check up on me while I'm sick. The times where he sat there in hospital with me with my illness until 2-3 in the morning, even though he leaves for work at 5 am. That day where he skipped out on work, just to sit there with me in kindergarten because I was terrified of not being with my family.
After thinking through these things so many times, I just felt like a little mother fucker. The next day I went to work, helped them out again. I put them through so much shit, as much as they have put me through. We have been continually hurting each other back and forward. I'm just like my old man in a sense, we are both prideful as fuck, and more stubborn than anything. For once, I put my pride to the side and received the same thing back from dad that day. Since then, every day after work, our family sits together at the table and eats together. Talking back to each other and putting food into each others' bowls. No one really understands how happy it actually made me. My little brother also runs to me, hugs me and greets me now. Its like, holly shit... where did all of this come from.
Like I said in a recent post. "Its spring, time for a new beginning, a new routine, a new life style." This spring, I had a goal of improving myself as a person overall. To be happier and to bring happiness to more people. I can honestly say that I've slowly working towards that. There is some noticeable progression. Although they may only be baby steps, I hope they can take me to a place where both I and my family can be happy. I'm working to find the equilibrium, where I can enjoy my life and be who I truly am and want to be without hurting my parents in the process.
Finally letting go of a bit of my pride has done so much for me. I hope that every one else can see that too. When I stopped holding grudges and finally went, "I'm sorry for the things I have done to you and the way I treated you," life has been getting better and better.
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I know that if I say this people might think, "oh you're not over him" lalala and all. But I sincerely hope that Lan can actually learn this soon too. A few months ago, I finally let go of him because I could see what I did wrong in the relationship. I no longer blamed him for the downfall of the relationship and my broken heart. We both had fault, we both hurt each other so badly, but what mattered is that we shared such a long time together... happy. From the broken heart, Ive changed my ways. I've learnt life lessons that have served my current relationships so damn well. Lan was a massive part of my life, even when he is not around anymore, he has still effected my life in a manor in which I am now so grateful for. I no longer hate him so much for leaving me. I honestly can say that if he would actually sit down and talk to me (which he won't because he is still holding a grudge against me saying that I somehow screwed him over), I would break into tears and cry, saying "I'm sorry for what I did,but thank you so fucking much for creating a chance for me to achieve what I have achieved today. Thank you for giving me a chance to find this man that I love so much and thank you for leaving me lessons to learn in order to treat hm right," I will always see Lan as an old friend. Without any bitterness, I would wish him all the luck in the world in finding happiness as I have.
People will always come in and out of your life, there is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is how you perceive the people that leave. Rather than taking them as assholes who screwed you over, take it as a lesson. Its just another thing in your tool box in how to not hurt other people and yourself. Life is like a highway, there are always entrees and exits, you may block one exit, but you can never block them all.
I was reading this manga to help me fall asleep since I've been finding it difficult to sleep again, and it reminded me of what my boyfriend once said to me. I now wear the necklace no matter where I go. I cant believe that he would spend over 300 dollars on a necklace for me... that's just crazy... I can't help but smile like a retard every single time I at the necklace.
"It's a sign that you belong to me"
I remember the times where I used to think that its ugghh to "belong to someone". I thought that I would always be the type that would be like "belong to someone? fuck that, I belong to no one and that ain't gonna change". Its funny how things can so easily change. Now I am happy to hear things like "His girl" or shit similar to that. I love this sense of belonging to someone, and the sense of loyalty towards each other. Call me old fashion, but I always go into relationships with all seriousness, I ain't going to risk my heart for some petty relationship that is destined to fuck up, just because it was something just for fun. Fuck that, I'm in it until the end. I will stay loyal no matter what. I won't cheat, I won't play games and I won't stray. As long as I feel that there is still something there, and as long as you stay loyal to me, I'll always stick by your side and continue to work on what we have. Fuck modern day stereotypes lol.
