I may seem fine about Hiro's death, but honestly when I think about him, I just start to cry. Although I may not know the feeling, but Hiro was like my baby, and this loss was like losing my baby. Its the same with Denne too. Denne read my blog about Hiro, and he started to tear up. I've never seen him cry or tear up about anything other than when nearly broke up after the first week together due to our personalities clashing. I've seen Denne tear up at least 3 times over the past 2 days. I have a feeling there were more. Many times his eyes got watery, but not enough for tears to fall. It seems as though Denne is holding back, trying not to cry. He tries everything possible to not mention or have anything to do with it, so that I don't start to cry. Hiro must have meant so much to him, and I can see that he regrets not playing with Hiro as much during the last month he was alive. There were so many times where I was just like, "Hiro... please come back, don't leave us like that."
I know people will be saying, "dude its just a cat, get over it" or "life doesn't stop for anyone." I know there will be insensitive people out there that just think "Get over it sheesh", but I don't give a flying fuck. Hiro meant so much to me. Just sitting there on the porch, with him laying on his back in my arms and lap, whilst I sat in between Dennes legs. The days where we spent time as a family, playing, cuddling, snuggling and rubbing. I honestly never felt so happy with something so simple. The highlights of my relationship with Denne consist of memories with him and Hiro. Our little baby was the symbol of the beginning of our relationship. He was only 9 months old... he was still only a kitten, yet...
Hiro, baby... I'm so sorry I let that happen to you. I'm so sorry that you died in such a horrible way. To think of how much pain you felt before you died. I'm so sorry I couldn't take care of you. I'm so sorry Hiro. I wish I could have given you a better life. I'm so sorry. I love you so much.
Hiro
13th June 2013 - 26th October 2013
Haha look at those adorable little paws. I love it when he lay in my lap like that for a back rub or a full body rub. I love how he purs so easily, and meows when he wants food. How he gives you the, "I'll love you and make you OD from my cuteness," face when he wants something. I've never met a cat that is so mellow. So much like Denne in so many ways. So retarded, derpy and mellow. Is cool with almost anything. Doesn't claw your face and cut it you into a million pieces when you pick him up. Never bit or scratched me (after the first day). Is so calm and ok when being picked up by simon. Being ok with me putting him on his back and scratching his stomach.
I'll miss the times where he was on his back and I was holding him like usual (like a baby on my lap). With one side of his face on my boob and the other on my arm, he would put his paw gently on my face and slightly move it up and down as i scratched his favourite places. He would give me such a cute ^~^ expression that I just dfjghsdjfghskjdfgh over. And the second I stop he looks at me and pets my face saying that he wants more... fuck I miss you Hiro... I've been crying for at least a hour lol. How long has it been since I've done that.
Saturday, Denne came over my house in the morning to do the usual routine. I planned to dress up in a cat school girl outfit to tickle is little man. I asked him "I can't find the collar and bell, do you want to go to the shops and find it?" He had a weird reaction and started to act a tad bit weird. I asked him why and he kept giving me excuses. Eventually he sat me down and told me, "Hiro's in a better place now." At first I was blank, I didn't get what he was saying. Maybe it wasn't that I didn't understand it, rather I didn't want to. When it eventually hit me, it hit me hard. I started to cry my eyes out. Usually, I cry without a sound. I just sit there and tears run down my face. However, this time was different. I instantly hugged Denne and cried hysterically. We both lay there for about an hour, just letting it sink it.
We eventually left for Denne house to bury our baby in the back yard. The second we reached his house, we dropped everything at the front door and went to the back. Denne got the tools and began to dig a hole under the apple custard tree on the far left corner of his backyard. I went towards the bag that had a black limp body in it. Honestly I didn't feel anything when I looked at him like that. I just couldn't believe that was our baby laying there like that. I pet him on the head and started to cry again. I lifted him up and moved him closer to where we were digging. I never realize that Hiro has frown so much. He suddenly seemed so much heavier than what it was like just the day before where I picked him up to play with him. Dennes mum started to joke about things. Things ranging from throwing him from the car into a farm to him being covered in blood and shit. I was so fucking pissed that she could he so incredibly insensitive. I started to really dislike her because of this and various other occasions. We eventually finished the hole and Denne grabbed Hiro and slowly lowered him into the hole. The second he touched the ground, his bell rung, and memories started to flood back. I started to cry even more when Denne started to cover his body with dirt. It hurt to step on the dirty that was covering him. In my head I was thinking, "I'm sorry boy, I don't want to do this, but I also don't want to have to dig you back up and let them throw you away. Please bare with it"
Denne went to grab a stone and milk. He put the stone where Hiros head was and started to pour milk over it. Honestly, I don't think I will ever forget Hiro. It was one of the highlights of the beginning of our relationship, so Hiro will forever be in our hearts. Hiro, I hope you know that... even though we spent such a short period of time together, we loved you and treasured you so much. You will always be our baby, the mark of the beginning of our relationship. We wish we could have helped you before you died. We wish we could have prevent it all from happening. But we were useless and we failed you as parents. We will miss you so much
RIP, Hiro
The kitten that didn't know when the fuck his food bowl was full
I honestly feel as though Denne deserves more than me. Lately, school and family problems have gotten me so stressed that I am such a complete mess. I have become so hopeless and weak that its just ridiculous. The more time I spend with Denne, the more I fall for him. However... the more time I spend with him, the more I am exposed to things that hurt.
The things from my past still haunts me. My anxiety still takes it's toll and my fears stilldrives me insane.
I'm still terrified of my significant other going to parties. I'm still terrified of him drinking, not to mention what could happen as a result of that. I just can't take being hurt so badly once again. But what I can't take the most is hurting him. I can't bare to hurt him and restrict him out of my fear. Knowing him, he would do anything for me.
I remember when his friends were drunk. They told me how happy Denne is. Telling me that they have never seen him as happy as he is now. To think that Denne's friends, who have been with him since high school started, would tell me that they have never seen him so happy brings tears to my eyes. It made me feel as though I had a purpose in my life. I'm not that useless thing that everyone in my life had made me out to be. I'm not as much of a piece of shit because I can make someone happy...
I want to be the perfect girlfriend for Denne. I want to be good girlfriend/wifey material. I've planned so many things for the holidays to make his life at work better and more enjoyable (as he has made school less stresful). I planned to get up around 4.30 in the morning to make him a bento for smoke-o. I planned to make various things for our 6 months and christmas in December. I "play" and "tease" him, make or get "costumes" that tickles his little soldier. I dress up and give him lap dances. I wanted to do things for him that no other girlfriend would. I wanted to do and make things that are unique. Like that teddy bear I made him for his birthday. I want him to feel like the happiest man on earth.
It's just that... My fears and anxiety gets in the way... how can I make him happy with all this weight that is on hoth me and him... I just love him so much that it kills me inside to hurt him like that... I feel as though I'm not good enough, that I'm not worthy. I'm scared that I'm not suited to be yours.
lly fucked me up again lol. I found myself in the emo corner once again. I haven't been here for a while but it feels so fe wrong, its not just because of school. Home life + family problems too lol. I'm so tired of everything and I fell so numb that its eating me up from the inside. Everyday at school I subconsciously put up a fake smile, trying to convince mytrulyf that everything is ok. I basically lost the will to do anything with myself. All I want is for esame time as alwaysrything to stop. But as everyone says, the world is cruel. The world doesn't stop for anybody. I've found that I'm slowly losing interest in pretty much everything I do, and I just feel like a shell lol. I've been having horrible sleeping problems. Takes me a good 2-3 hours (minimum) for me to fall asleep, but by then its 3 in the morning and I have to wake up to go to school at 7.30. My anxiety has come back. Although it is nowhere near what it was like at its worst, its still pretty bad. Everything either doesn't matter for shit, or puts me into a massive panic attack.
I remember back in early high school years, where I wrote a lot about feeling like a cage bird. Without freedom to be who I want and who I am. But now that I'm giving a whole massive enclosure to fly in, I can't seem to move. It's like after everything has happened, my wings lost its ability to lift me off the ground. I honestly think that I need to be alone. To deal with my problems on my own and not drag anyone down with me or disadvantage them in anyway.
Even though I say that, dealing with things on my own usually results in the slight absence of feelings manifesting into somethjng more dire. I have a habit of always trying to covince myself that everything is completely fine. I often don't want to face reality and rather run. I know people can vview me as a coward. Especially when I have these scars on my wrist. But no one will truly understand until they experience these emotions.
Cried myself to sleep yesterday at around the same time as always. Woke up thinking, "why did I have to wake up..." yay. Can't wait to have another episode of this hahas.
