I'm Scared I Might Not Be Suited To Be Yours

I honestly feel as though Denne deserves more than me. Lately, school and family problems have gotten me so stressed that I am such a complete mess. I have become so hopeless and weak that its just ridiculous. The more time I spend with Denne, the more I fall for him. However... the more time I spend with him, the more I am exposed to things that hurt.

The things from my past still haunts me. My anxiety still takes it's toll and my fears stilldrives me insane.

I'm still terrified of my significant other going to parties. I'm still terrified of him drinking, not to mention what could happen as a result of that. I just can't take being hurt so badly once again. But what I can't take the most is hurting him. I can't bare to hurt him and restrict him out of my fear. Knowing him, he would do anything for me.

I remember when his friends were drunk. They told me how happy Denne is. Telling me that they have never seen him as happy as he is now. To think that Denne's friends, who have been with him since high school started, would tell me that they have never seen him so happy brings tears to my eyes. It made me feel as though I had a purpose in my life. I'm not that useless thing that everyone in my life had made me out to be. I'm not as much of a piece of shit because I can make someone happy...

I want to be the perfect girlfriend for Denne. I want to be good girlfriend/wifey material. I've planned so many things for the holidays to make his life at work better and more enjoyable (as he has made school less stresful). I planned to get up around 4.30 in the morning to make him a bento for smoke-o. I planned to make various things for our 6 months and christmas in December. I "play" and "tease" him, make or get "costumes" that tickles his little soldier. I dress up and give him lap dances. I wanted to do things for him that no other girlfriend would. I wanted to do and make things that are unique. Like that teddy bear I made him for his birthday. I want him to feel like the happiest man on earth.

It's just that... My fears and anxiety gets in the way... how can I make him happy with all this weight that is on hoth me and him... I just love him so much that it kills me inside to hurt him like that... I feel as though I'm not good enough, that I'm not worthy. I'm scared that I'm not suited to be yours.