We often lie to ourselves and say that we have no control over our day and our schedules. We tend to blame our inability to do things on our "lack of time" and/or the "lack of control" over how we spend our time, as though we are stuck with having to do other things that are set for us. 

No matter how you look at it, you chose it. Yes, you can't necessarily chose what hours you work, your boss has most control over that, but at the end of the day, you chose that boss, you chose that job. The boss didn't force you into the job. You chose it yourself. You aren't going to university 5 days a week because you have to, its because you chose to go to university to begin with, you chose those amount of subjects, and you chose which subjects you are doing, knowing the class distribution throughout the week. Living in a society like Australia, you have so many options. If you don't have a job, it's highly likely the government will help you financially. If you are struggling to manage your time with university and the work load, you have the option to do anywhere from 1-5 courses a semester. You have plenty of resources available to you. Not only that, you have the choice of acquiring units through the summer. You have the choice to do it externally or internally. At the end of the day, you choose how you spend your day and how you spend your life.

It's not that you "don't have time" to spend with your loved ones, it's just that it's not important enough for you to prioritise that over everything else. If it meant enough for you, it'd be the first thing you make time for. Don't lie to those you care about and say that you just don't have time for them, when you had the time to go out, play games or watch tv etc. Don't say you didn't have time to study, when you consciously chose to sleep in or procrastinate. You have much more control of what you do than you think, it's just that is much easier for us to play the victim and blame something else, rather than having the responsibility of putting in the effort and attention to prioritise and manage our time. It's much easier to blame the failures we have to something we cannot control, rather than accepting that they are due to our own decisions. 

As we begin to enter our "adult" life, our time is no longer controlled by the government (school) or our parents. We have the freedom of choosing what we do with our lives and how we spend our time. Can you truthfully tell yourself that you are doing the best with your time? Can you truthfully tell yourself that you're giving your time to things that matter?

I feel as though the way my grandparents raised me influenced me to take relationships much more seriously than those around me. I never enter a relationship unless I feel as though there is something there beyond "boyfriend and girlfriend". I develop interest in people easily. When I was single, I was "seeing" a lot of different people (not at the same time though), but there was a certain point I always leave it. Because when I look for a partner, I look for a long lasting relationship. If there are personality traits I don't like, I will end it right there. This isn't because that quality is inherently bad, rather its because it's something I know I either would prefer not to deal with, or something that bothers me. 

For example, I don't care whether or not a friend sleeps around. It doesn't bother me how many different people they have engaged in sexual intercourse with, nor do I care if they've paid someone to do it with them, but when I am looking for a partner, I would not date someone who has done these things. It's not because I think they aren't good people or because I judge them in any negative way. I can understand that like any other living organism, humans also want to fuck. It's something we are biologically wired to do, and something that we naturally crave for. But being raised traditionally, my morals in regards to sex is that it's something to share with someone special. Its not something I feel should me thrown around so lightly, so I would personally want my partner to feel the same. You are no less of a person in my eyes for engaging in sexual activities outside a relationship, it's just a preference for me not to do so. I'd like my partner to have similar values to me when it comes to these things. 

Another example is partying. I don't care. I personally am an introvert. I would prefer someone who is more introverted as my partner. I would prefer someone who prefers to stay at home and snuggle than to go out to a club. Again, just a preference that better suits my lifestyle. 

I think that I'm that particular with some things while looking at potential partners but once I've committed to you, I no longer live for myself. The two only relationships I've had have lasted 3 years or more. I put in everything I have. I live and make decisions based on my partner and our relationship.

How can I make a positive impact on your life?

How can I make life easier for you?

How do I show you that you're a treasure I appreciate having in my life?

But maybe that is my downfall. Maybe I just don't know where to stop giving that I end up hurting myself. No matter what happens, I always want to understand what happened, why it happened and what I could do to make it better, rather than thinking about myself. Maybe I'm just too stuck in the "us" mentality. Maybe it's only been me who has been thinking purely of "us" the whole time, rather than being thinking about myself. 

Or maybe, just maybe, I'm too weak to think about myself rather than us. 

If that's the case, how do I think about me... and what will happen when I begin to think that way?

I don't feel as though you should judge how much someone loves you by how much they are able to spoil you. I don't feel as though someone's love during your best times is an accurate indicator of how much they love you. 

If someone cannot love you during the most painful periods of either your life or the relationship, they are incapable of "love". If you truly loved someone, you would be willing to put aside your negative emotions in order to talk it out and solve the issue. If you really truly loved someone, you would be willing to come to a compromise together. If you really love someone, you would no blame them for something that hurts or effects them, because you should be able to understand that your significant other is another sentient being, separate from you and the relationship.  

If they are unable to do these things for the relationship, are you really doing what's in your best interest, or are you just staying out of familiarity? 

At the same time, you must reflect on yourself to see if you are also doing your part in the relationship.

Anxiety can sometimes feel quite isolating and lonesome. Not because there aren't people physically around you, rather its because no one quite understands. At times, people in your life don't care to understand, and throw nothing but questions and criticisms. Other times, no matter what you try to do, they just can't begin to understand or accept that there are some things unique to you. 

Then the anxious mind begins to talk. The critical voice within yourself tells you... that no one really cares for you. That you're on your own. That you're not worth their time.

There is something that really pisses me off. I fucking hate it when people self diagnose themselves with mental conditions like depression, anxiety disorders, phobias and OCD. I'm sorry, but shut the fuck up.

You don't have depression because you're sad, you're just sad. You probably don't have an OCD because you have to put something in a particular order, you are just picky or particular. You probably don't have PTSD, you are just conditioned to have a negative association to something due to a previous negative experience. You probably don't have anxiety just because you're nervous about an exam because you didn't study much throughout the semester, you just didn't prepare enough and recognize that there is a potential to fail. I can keep going on trust me, I know mental disorders.

I have to LIVE with a mental condition. I have to live through the fear and absolute fucking dread at every fucking turn in my life. I have to live with a condition that debilitates me with every aspect of my life. Its hard for me to try out new things. Something as simple to you as going out to eat can be such a stressful experience for me I would rather not eat. I would hate myself, criticize myself, and tell myself that I don't deserve anything. Everyday, I tell myself that I'm not good enough. Everything that I do in my life, there is fear constantly revolving around it. Sometimes doing something I love, like playing DOTA alone is so anxiety inducing that I'd rather sit there until Denne gets home or someone is on to play with me. At the end of every semester, I am filled with nothing but dread. No matter how much I do or how well I've done, IT'S NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. I experience emotions so intensely that I get exhausted from interacting with anyone or anything. I've tried to kill myself. 

Before I was diagnosed, I had a feeling that I had an anxiety issue, purely because I'm studying psychology and we did a unit on mood disorders. But never once did I parade it around. Because of my suspicions, I went to seek help. I got the diagnosis, and still, I did not parade it around. If you truly had anxiety or depression, something someone is always fucking throwing around these days, you wouldn't fucking flash it to the world. Do you know why? Because when you have these two conditions in particular, you feel SHAME. You feel like you are nothing but a piece of shit. And you feel SHAME for being affected by it. You look around at other people and compare yourself to them, feeling like you are a FAILURE and that you AREN'T WORTH EVEN THE OXYGEN ON THIS EARTH. 

It is ok to be sad. Life is full of twists and turns. Realistically, you can never be happy every single second of your life. We all go through hardships and it's ok to embrace your emotions. But mother fucker when you go around saying you have x condtion or x disorder, please shut the fuck up. 

Because there are people who actually have to live through those conditions. Don't belittle the battle we go through every single day of our lives. If you wouldn't diagnose yourself with cancer, don't do it with a mental condition.

"It's so fun. It's almost addicting. Once you start really playing it and getting involved. It has a very high learning curl, but there's nothing quite like it. Once they're in, you're caught" - Terrorblaze

Tell me about it. I started playing the game itsellf (after watching it for so many years) in November 2016, and 3 months later, I have racked up 167 hours. Despite going to work three days a week and taking time off for studying and exams. It's addicting all right.