Reaching for Clear Skies

Yesterday was stressful as hell. It seems I can’t find my USB which has every single assignment of mine. I got no backup (yay). Anywho, I got to go to my chemistry tutor and see if she has it. I remember that I had to with me to go Chemistry tutor across the street. I remember that I had it with me, so it’s either going to be in my room or at tutor. There’s nowhere else that it can be. I’ve searched up all of my room yesterday with Denne, and the me that is stressed out to the point where I crack was finally out. I really didn’t want Denne to see me like that and I did everything I could to prevent it until yesterday. I was scared that he would get sick of me and what not.

Rather than reaction the way I thought he might of, he helped me the whole time, no matter how much I tried to push him away and make him go home (so that he doesn’t see that part of me to begin with). After hours of searching, I gave up and just sat in my corner crying (lol I know, stfu I’m weak). He just gentle wrapped his arms around me and pat me on the head. He just sat there with me, wrapped the blanket around me and cuddled me. After sitting in his lap on my bed, with the blanket covering us for hours, I began to feel sleepy. We both fell asleep for a bit and both woke up as it was nearly 12 am. He kissed me good night, took his things, turned off the lights and went home. He called me on skype afterwards and we both fell asleep together again.

Honestly, I think I’m so lucky to have him. He looks after me so much, and doesn’t care about my ugly sides. He supports me so much, no matter what it is for. I can’t wait until school finishes and I can cater to him more. Right now it just feels like he’s looking after me as I try to survive through this shit, and no matter how much he tries to convince me otherwise, I think it’s extremely unfair. He makes me feel so safe, it’s nothing I really ever felt before.

Life gets tougher and tougher the further I get through grade 12, but Denne makes every moment worth living for. Without him, I don’t even know if I’d still be here. I’ve gone pass my breaking points many times, but he always makes it better. Whenever I feel as if I can’t do it anymore, I look at the pendant he gave me. To me, it’s kind of a “You belong to me” thing. Which in our book translates to “I’ll always protect you”.

Yes, this topic again, however, this time it’s from an entirely different perspective. As of recent posts, it is bluntly obvious that I’m extremely happy with my boyfriend, hence my avoidance of this topic. However, as of today, it really hit me that the choice being wrong was far far from true.

I love my boyfriend for him as a person, whether he has flaws or not. It’s obvious that he possess things that I would prefer not to have and things that he lacks that I look for (this is all due to family standards and what not, cause I honestly don’t really give two flying fucks). Piercings, tattoos and all will make my parents want to fucking go ape shit, and the fact that he didn’t go the OP path and is working rather than studying is kinda iffy for my family. Nevertheless, I don’t give a shit about any of that. He’s trying his best, he’s looking after me in many fucking ways and he treats me like I’ve never been treated before, and that is all that matters.

I hate how people bag him out for the shit they see on the outside. Magpoll, yes I’m fucking talking to you. Fuck, it’s like you’ve changed so much after I got together with Denne. Yeah I changed in some ways too, but not like that. I’m just honest as fuck about everything, and it so happens that I do do “those” things with my boyfriend. Good and trusted friends ask, no harm can be done from it, so what the hey. I don’t give a shit. I don’t rub it in your face that I’m with Denne, at least I don’t intend to. I can’t help if that is how you perceive things.

But honestly? Bagging out my boyfriend for his tattoo? Common, you’ve already made it obvious to me that you don’t like my boyfriend. As you were someone who I considered my closest friend, I just took your opinion of him and left it at that. Now, you slowly find reasons to bag out my boyfriend and it’s so fucking frustrating. You know I don’t give a shit what tattoo people get unless there is no significant meaning behind it. What Denne chose has a lot of meaning to him, in more than one way. So what if it’s based off Fairy tale? You didn’t used to be like that, like what the hell happened?

I stopped talking to you as much on skype because I didn’t want to hear you bag out my boyfriend and saying things about me or what not. I didn’t want to lose faith in you because you’re important to me. Like common, I’m in the middle of a call with my boyfriend on skype, you call, and what do I do? I instantly put him on hold and connect to you. I do that a fucking majority of the thing that I see you call. Yeah at times I don’t cause I’m either busy, bathing with my headset on, outside doing something, or just not paying attention to my laptop.

From what’s been happening, I’ve gotten another reason to be happy with who I chose.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now that that rant is over, now for the parent’s rant YAY <3 note - sarcasm 

My mum never really understands anything. The periods where I feel really happy and all, where it seems as though she really does understand me and what not, seems to just be her trying to fake it to get us to get along (lol long shitty sentence). She thinks that since I’ve gotten together with Denne that I’ve been getting worse. She thinks that I’ve become even more of a piece of shit since I started dating him. It’s to a point now where I don’t even bother explaining myself because it’s not going to make a difference. Nothing is going to change even if I explain things to her and tell her things. She’s just going to think that it’s all bullshit. So why do I even bother.

I really hate how I can’t give less shits about my mum, and why I can’t just ignore her and stop letting the things so say hurt me so much. After so many years of it, I should be immune to it all. Even though on the outside it seems so, on the inside it just cuts me deeper and deeper every time. It’s just that I’ve learnt that no matter what I do, she’s just still going to yell and scream at me.  So I saved both me and her the trouble of an even longer argument by just shutting up and leaving it be. Letting her call me whatever she would like so that she can vent out all her frustrations of her long laborious days.

Every single time that I question myself, “She keeps doing that to you, why do you still care so much, why are you still hurt from it? Fucking idiot, you can just leave now, Denne has offered you a place to stay at, his mum is fine with it, why don’t you leave get away from the extra stress that it creates on top of what you already have from school?”   Then I kind of just realise that I actually really do love her, it’s just that I’ve tried so hard to hide it, to shut it off deep down in my heart so that every time she yells at me and calls me names, I won’t get so hurt that someone I love and someone that is so dear to me could utter those words to me. As a child, I always wanted a really good relationship with my parents. I wanted to make them happy while being me… Not being who they want me to be. I wanted them to be proud of who I am, even with things that I want to do or get that isn’t to their liking. I just wished for them to accept me for who I am, not who they want me to be.

I always loved the arts. I love music. I love making things, designing things in all forms, whether it was sowing related or craft related. I loved interior designing, I loved anything that involved creative thinking. Hence why I love expressing myself through what I wear. It makes me who I am. I want my hair a bright colour, because it represents what I want to be. I like tattoos because what I am hoping to get are what I stand for. I want certain piercings because I love the variety of things I can do with them.  That is who I am, and who I can’t be, because if I were to be like that, it would break your heart. So I have to be this fake thing I am.

Sometimes I’m afraid to express myself because I’m afraid you won’t accept me for who I am. What I wish for the most in my life is for my parents to accept me, as me. I wish to get along with my parents, to be able to share good and bad without fear of rejection. I love my mum so much, because she also cares for me in so many ways. She wakes up in the morning, making me lunch and putting my breakfast out for me. Making sure I eat properly so that I can concentrate on my studying.  Barely any mums give a shit at this point. She now does all my chores for me so that I can study.  She washes my clothes, and folds them for me, she makes me food every day and gives me a place to live. She cares for me so much that I can’t stand to cut off her existence and her importance. However, the things she says to me just tears me a part, to the point where I just turn numb.

Fuck I don’t even know anymore…. I’ll just end it here for today.

Back to my escape, music~