Reaching for Clear Skies

It turns out the original foster carer had a family emergency and will not be able to take Bolt. We were told less than half a day before the arranged time that we were meant to hand him over. She still have a box of stuff for Bolt that we need to get back. Now we are in the process of talking to another foster carer. At this point, I have been on this emotional roller-coaster for over a week. I'm starting to feel numb and constantly bummed out. I no longer want to interact with people and or do anything other than lay down and stare off into the distance. Tears don't come often in the last day or two. I know we can't keep him, but the thought that he will go to a home that is better equipped has eased my anxieties. I came to the realization that living with Denne is not the best for Bolt. He is unable to release his energy for a large majority of the day, and that isn't something a border collie can deal with. Bolt would do better with an active owner/household, who go on daily walks, not because they have to walk bolt, but because they just do. Bolt would be much more suited with someone whose hobby is something physical, whether that be jogging, hiking or riding a bike. I just hope that whatever home he goes to, they will love him as much as we do. I just hope that they will provide him with the stimulation that he needs to be a happy chill little collie.

Resentment is toxic no matter what the situation is. I now have this deep-seated hatred towards him. I'm just so angry and gutted I still don't know how to feel or how to begin dealing with those feelings. We are currently looking for a new home for Bolt. A situation got out of hand and we are no longer permitted to keep Bolt. 

I hate him so fucking much, for allowing things to get to this point, despite being warned multiple times. I hate him so much for putting so little effort. I hate him so much for putting in so little time. I hate him so fucking much, for taking our baby for granted and only start to love him properly when he needs to be gone. I hate his attitude towards life. I hate how little motivation he has to do get up and do something. I hate how much he has allowed something like a fucking computer game take over his life. I hate how he puts so much effort into online games, while he puts so little into the people and animals that love him. I hate how he claims to put so much effort and that he feels exhausted from doing so, where really most of it was spent somewhere else. 

I hate

That no matter how much he says he loves me

I cant see it through his actions

I have done more than enough to show you that I love you. I stayed committed and loyal to you, giving you time and patience through your hard times. I have supported you with whatever it is that you wanted and never forced to into something you didn't want. I've always had your best interest in mind. I tell you what I need and don't make you play guessing games. I give you everything that you need, whether it be time to do your hobbies or cooking you a full course meal whenever you want it. I tend to your every need, because I just want to see you feel cherished and happy. I always blamed myself for the first two years.

"It's probably because I don't cherish him enough"

"Its probably because I haven't done enough to show him that I love him"

"Maybe I just don't deserve it.

"Am I being too impatient with him?"

"Is he acting like this because I demand too much?"

"Am I Not Good Enough?"

After losing bolt... I can't believe that anymore. I can't convince myself that its an problem with me anymore. And hence all the pent up emotions, the hatred and the anger has been released. Now, all I think is,

"Why would you treat us like this"

"I thought you loved us"

"Why would you shatter out hearts if you really loved us"

"What is it about us, that you would rather spend more time on games than us"

"Why"

--------------------- End ----------------------

Bolt

 

It's not up to you how others treat you. However, it is up to you to have courage to get what you deserve, whether that be through working at it, or walking away. 

I decided that it'd be nice to document my journey with Momo since the process for us to become companions will probably the long.

Denne and I are reaching our three year mark in a bit over 2 months and I've been reflecting on our relationship. Things have been difficult for a while I will admit, but I can really see that things are different this time along. I know I have thought that things are getting better a few times already, but I  can really see the difference in the effort he is putting in the improve our relationship. I've talked to a male friend to try and get a fresh perspective on Denne's side of the relationship and it was quite eye-opening. Since then, I've been trying to improve the way I communicate with him, especially when addressing things that bother me. Things are quite peachy!

Other than the fact that I'm being flooded with crazy long days at university and a lot of work days to boot, peachy :)

I have always loved my mum's cooking. She can cook anything from simple but bomb as omelettes to complicated traditional slow cook dishes. The bomb as bitch went from cooking new and fresh food every single fucking afternoon after work to catering and serving a restaurant without a single complaint up to date. She used to come home after 9-10 hours of work and make at least 2-3 dishes (not including rice) for us to enjoy. Now that we have our restaurant business, and especially of late since our customer volume has at least doubled, mum hasn't been cooking at home often. Something I really miss and surely took for granted. Anywho, what I have associated my mum with in regards to cooking is her comfort soups. Whenever I am faced with a stressful event, she never fails to have some soup readily available. Lately I have learnt a really simple soup that I fell in love with when I was young (thanx mum). I have no idea what the hell its called, but I call it "beetroot soup" and mum knows whats up.

All the seasoning you want for this soup is in the ingredients. The richness will come from cooking the ox tail. The longer you cook it for, the richer it will taste and the more tender the meat will be, The sweetness will mostly come from the carrot was you boil it and the main flavor is obviously from the beatroot =Q. Don't bother with the salt and pepper and sugar stuff. Just a pinch of MSG (bot nhoc) and add fish sauce to your taste. If you are like my bf, the mother fucker likes his food to be salty, so there will be about 2 or so teaspoons of fish sauce added to the soup (note: I don't measure with spoons and just squirt from the bottle, so its just a rough estimate).

Lately, I been feeling as though I should really go see a doctor for this. I know I have always been a person that gets scared, stressed or anxious about things here and there, but I dont know how it has gotten to the point it was today. I don't even know if it really has been like this all along, but I've just been really good at hiding it until of recent. 

I hate university atm. Mainly because I don't know what I'm doing, why I'm doing that I currently am. I cant concentrate on work unless I have a random outburst of productivity, and that is not enough so sustain me through class efficiently. I can see that I do the assessments, essays and reports very easily, however keep up to date and actually being able to do well on exams is another story. I just fucking hate it and I don't know why. All of this makes me anxious.  Then I start feel hopeless and scare, thinking that I don't have the ability to do anything right and make anyone happy, whether it be me or my parents. When try and do what I want to do, I get scared that I'll fuck up and be a failure. When I try and do what my parents want me to do, I get anxious that its leading me nowhere and I end up avoiding everything and my end results suffers even though I do really well on the no exam assessment aspects. This makes me absolutely hate myself because I know I'm not doing the best to my abilities. My reports and essays proves that I can do it, but I just can't find the motivation to because I'm too fucking anxious about it and try so hard to avoid it. I feel as though I'm failing myself and I know that I'm failing myself and everyone who cares about me. I'm failing my parents, my grandparents and my partner. I'm scared that if I stay on this path, all I'm doing right now is wasting money because I have no idea what I'm doing and where I'm going. I can't afford to spend a few semesters trying to find out what I want to do. But at the same time, if I take a break, I would make my family worry. This puts my in a situation where I feel completely hopeless and countered. I have no idea what to do and feel like I'm a shitty excuse for a human and a waste of space, time and money. Somewhere in this thought process, I have already started to put my head to my knees, hug my legs and start to cry. My chest tightens as if someone is holding me and squeezing me, like a tonne of bricks stacked on top of my chest. My heart starts to race so hard I can feel pulse my pulse in my head and hear beat by beat in my ears. Sometimes I feel as though all the energy I have is sucked out of me, and no matte how much rest or sleep I get, its never enough. I get so lost in my anxiety that I feel light headed and my vision becomes out of focus. Sometimes when I'm lucky, its only short. I snap myself out of it by trying to forget about it and avoid it. If not, I get stuck in this cycle and long chain of anxious thoughts that don't stop for an hour or two at times. In the end everything becomes a blur. I forget what it was that first started to make me anxious but I continue to feel anxious. It's almost like I start to feel anxious because I don't know why I'm feeling anxious and that I need to know what it was that made me anxious to stop be from feeling anxious, This makes me feel so embarrassed. I feel pathetic and fear people will see me differently, so I hide it and try my best to never show it. I hate myself for thinking like this and I don't discuss it with people. People give me solutions like, "just don't worry, there's no point in worrying," which makes me feel as though I'm even more pathetic because I just can't. Thats all I've been trying to do, its to not worry and go on with my life without being petrified at every corner. I don't want to be anxious every time anything happens, because it sucks. I get anxious that my parents are mad at me, so I avoid them in general. And when they get mad at me for avoiding them and not being at home, I avoid interactions with them even more so I don't have to deal with them being mad at me for avoiding them for being mad at me. I get anxious to talk to people because I'm scared they are going to fuck me up like me old friends did. I'm scared of being lied to. Of being told that if anything is wrong, they would tell me, only to just have them turn around and bitch about me rather than actually saying something to me. I was so scarred by them that most of my interactions with other people nowadays are just based on my fears of what is going to happen. Sometimes I'm so nervous that it becomes hard to speak or reply. My thoughts are everywhere and its so hard to "deal with it" and "calm down." I hate this constant feeling of fear and anxiety. What I hate even more is telling people about it because I know I will be judged.