Reaching for Clear Skies

So... I've decided what I wanted to do during the holidays. I said 'fuck it' to the summer semester :D I had a bit of a break down while on the way to dinner with Denne when he mentioned that I'm wearing myself out. I guess he recognised my burn out earlier than I did. He probably doesn't even realised that he just pointed it out. It was one of those moments that reminded me, "waah, maybe you're not as derp as you make yourself out to be." Haha. I was experiencing textbook symptoms of burnout and was completely oblivious to my own mental health. Physical and emotion exhaustion, detachment, feelings of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment, always feeling fatigued, insomnia, blared vision, sometimes bouts of dizziness, lack of appetite and mild depressive like symptoms. 

IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

I need a break from studying and the anxiety that comes along with it. I need some time off. I'll be spending my holidays working a lot and trying to save up some money. I'll be started at EB on Wednesday! I'm so excited!! I can't wait to start working with Scott and work in a more stable and structured environment! 

I am grateful for how kind and accommodating Scott has been. I hope to be able to embody those traits and be able to treat others in the same way. 

Now, to get back to my last piece of assessment for the year of 2017. I'm almost done. So close, yet so tired, and still have enough energy in me to feel some hints of anxiety.

You can FEEEEEL the emotion in ever damn lyric she sings!

Ok, so quick update. So the crazy week is finally done. I just finished 2 quizzes (total of 10%) and my last major paper for this semester (30%). So within the last week, I completed assessments that are worth nearly half the marks in one of my courses. Talk about pressure right? Although the marks are only taken from the best 8 quizzes out of 10, I couldn't help but feel the pressure of wanting excel. Particularly because I did't do too well in two of the quizzes during the semester. I really want to get rid of the 6/10 and 7/10 that I'm not too proud of LOL. I recognise that it's a tad bit childish and over-reactive considering those aren't terrible scores, but I just hoped to do better. With those ticked off the list, I am finally on my last week. Now the only thing I have left is a therapy role-play reflection (5%) which I have submitted in advance, the self-practice portfolio (7%) and an online quiz (10%). Then I am free... that is unless I actually decide to take another summer semester. 

At this point I either have 2 options; (a) I take an equivalent of #2 units during the summer, whether that be 1 full elective course worth #2 units or 2 research courses worth #1 unit each, so that I can have 5 full courses to spread between semester 1 and 2 of 2018, OR (b) take the summer off and spend it working and saving up money towards something big in the future and proceed to spread 6 full courses between semester 1 and 2 of 2018. They both have their ups and downs. Option a, although the summer will be full considering I now have two jobs, that would lighten the load for my last year of university, and will give me more time overall during the year to work part-time. Although the summer would most probably involve some degree of stress, maybe even more than I'd anticipate considering that mum seems to be trying to get me to work more days, overall it could serve as a back up in case a course doesn't work out for me and I end up dropping it. But then again, if that does happen, I can take the 2018/2019 summer semester to finish any units that I missed. With option b, I'd be much less stressful, and the transition will be much better during the summer. I could work it out until I just have the job at EB, i.e. helping the family restaurant find people and train people to replace me. I honestly feel like I really want to move on from there. Although to most people, it might not seem like that, but to me, the restaurant has been one of those things in my life that I felt was holding me back. More like... I've used it as a safety net, not wanting to reach out for more because I was too afraid of failure and things going wrong. At this point in my life, I feel as though I've got a strong enough grasp on my GAD and grew enough balls to making actions that are committed to what I value in life. Don't get me wrong, I've been enjoying my time at the restaurant much more since my mental health journey began. Since I worked with my anxiety, I become more able to tolerate my immediate emotional reactions and challenged my insecurities to allow myself to be more open with others and more genuine. Generally, making good coffee, makes me happy. Well... more like seeing people happy makes me happy :) I'm just spewing words at this point aren't I haha. 

All in all, I got a decision to make soon. I'll make my decisions, I'll take committed actions based on what I value in life, and I'll see where life takes me. I am grateful for the opportunities that I have been given in life :)

The exam for psychopathology is finished and there is only 1 more major assignment left. Though there are a few more assessments left, a lot of it is tying up loose ends and proof reading before submission. I'm grateful for being able to finish a small reflective paper early, as it makes it even easier. I will admit though, I did not have a fun time with that exam. After hearing feedback during the tutorials, seems like the majority did not like how the content was covered in the exam. Most mentioned that it was frustrating how it was very little about the therapy processes and underlying theories, and more about empirical studies and case studies. I too wished it was more about the therapies, which was what most of my knowledge was in. Considering that you're in the class to learn about the various available therapy methods, you'd think that's the majority of what they would test you on and then a bit on the effectiveness and related studies. Nope, it was the other way around :D It's a bit ridiculous to be asked the exact outcome of a study when you are presented with a couple of dozen papers throughout the course. Needless to say, that exam, although not weighted very heavily took the crap out of me.

It's been a few days since the exam, but I still feel exhausted. Exhausted is a bit of a basic term to explain how I currently feels. It's more accurate to say my mood and emotions are low. I feel "flat" or "eh". It's weird, considering anxiety is usually always there, but it feels like it's on vacay. I literally just sat there going through the 90 pages of data for my last major paper of this semester, without any feeling at all. No experience of anxiety or anything. I got lost constantly and at almost every turn, I did something wrong and wasted a bit of time where and there trying to extract about a page worth of relevant statistics. But not a single fuck was given. I got lost, I just looked at the handout again and just figured it out. Not a single fuck was given. I get I'm emphasing on it a lot, but holly shit I really could not give two fucks. Considering I have an anxiety disorder, it's so weird. I would usually panic with just ordering the same coffee I do everyday. I would go the long way to avoid all the university political groups coming at you with fliers like vultures. But today I just walked straight through, they ran out me and I just said, "I'm good mate." And when they kept going at it, I just looked them in the eye and said, "I'm not kidding, I'm good." Before they could peep another word, I just went, "no," and went about my day. Like what? whats happening with me lately LOL

I also don't feel the need for anything that I usually do. I don't feel the need to have a video or something on to keep my anxious mind distracted. I don't feel the need for comfort or contact with anyone. I don't feel the need to play Dota, nor do I feel the need for rewards after my study sets. Actually... I haven't even done study sets, I just sat down and did work. No type of gratification is poking at me to be fulfilled. I don't feel the need to have to talk with anyone either. 

#LowMood wooh

Another one! Today I was able to help a friend begin to take steps towards making improvements on his problems with the use of some ACT strategies. I am so grateful to have learnt some strategies to be able to implement on my own life, and the life of those who I care for.

A component of my self-care portfolio in my psychotherapy and counselling class has us write down things that we are grateful for. Here I go I guess :)

Although I have been screwed over a few times by people who I saw as close friends during high school, I am grateful for the handful of friends I currently have. To be completely honest, it really fucked with me. I really cared for two girls (from separate groups) and was willing to be there for them no matter what. I would do anything for them, even at the expense of Denne. I don't blame him for feeling a bit used back then, I did take it for granted expecting him to drive me and my friend(s) because he liked me. I would do everything I can to be there for them emotionally, when they were fighting with their boyfriends or were angry at something that happened. I always offered my shoulder for them to lean on. One girl ended up getting together with a guy who I used to have some chemistry with. Once she found out, she did a 180 and didn't want to have anything to do with me. I assumed it was out of jealousy, so I respected it and cut my friendship with the guy because I could see that he really liked her. After their relationship ended, he ended up telling me why the girl stopped talking to me, and why he ended up having to do the same. No hard feelings. With the other girl, to this day I honestly don't know why, but she went on facebook and started going to town about me. Right after that, the group who I thought were my friends, turned on me and joined in with the facebook bullying. Couldn't trust anyone after that. I always kept a distance from people and didn't want anything other than surface level interactions with them. I am grateful for people like Andrew, Marissa, who are not only friends, but are my everyday support system. I am grateful for people like Carl, who helped me begin my journey towards improving my mental health even though he had problems of his own. I am grateful for people like Ezmond, who is always willing to be there to help explain content at uni that I don't understand, and is patient enough to help me through things. I'd like to think that because of them, I am much more open to people. Even without knowing, they have helped me get over those previous betrayals, to forgive the people who did me wrong, and allowed me to be more giving towards others. 

I am grateful for my family who have wholeheartedly taken Denne in, and accepted him as being apart of our family. I am grateful for the support of my extended family, and their willingness to help without a single complain. I am grateful for my paternal grandparents, who are always looking out for my future and my happiness. I am grateful for their love, and their support of my relationship and future with Denne. I am grateful for their hope for me, their wisdom and their life lessons. I am grateful for my parents. Although our relationship have gone through very rough patches, I am grateful for the closeness mum and I have now, and I am grateful for dad's tolerance. I am grateful for the health professionals who have made a huge impact on my life. Dr. Tan has helped me turn my life around, and taught me how to manage life with GAD. I am grateful for Dr Bennett's concern, grateful that he took me seriously and his determination to help. I am grateful for the pleasant conversations we have every time I come for BCP refills. I am grateful for Denne and the 4 years we have spent together. Although things have not always been peachy, I am grateful that he is now understanding and accommodating of my condition. I am grateful for Denne driving me everywhere. I am grateful that he always wants to spend time with me. I am grateful for his affection. I am grateful for his patience and his support. I am grateful for the animals I have in my life, who give me so much joy every day.

I am grateful for all these things and more. These are the things that make me who I am.

Also I am grateful for Scott. I MIGHT have just scored a job at ebgames :D

To Bubba, 

At this point in our lives, we have been together for nearly 4 and a half years. We have been through the honeymoon phase, where all we wanted to do was throw everything we knew aside and be together. We have been through the rocky stage, where discovered our differences and fought week to week about them, unable to compromise. We have gone through a period of rapid change and personal growth. You have been there for me through my darkest times, where I struggled aimlessly to find myself and understand my internal experiences. You were there for me, encouraging me to seek answers to my demons. You were in the waiting room for a whole hour, while I received my diagnosis of a mental disorder. You were there for me during my moments of absolute fear and dread of the realisation that this mental illness is not curable, that it will be with my for the rest of my life. You were there from the very start, from the first doctor's visit, to every session with the psychologist, and everyday since then. As much as I've learnt about the intricacies of generalised anxiety disorder and how I experience it myself, you have learnt with me. You don't blame me for what I struggle with, and you extend a hand to help me, regardless of how small or irrational it feels to you. The days where I particularly struggle with GAD, you step in to make up for what I lack, however, you give my opportunities to build my resilience on days that I flourish with it. You have encouraged me through both moments of panic and intense anxiety, and moments of accomplishment. 

As you have met grandma, within such a short time, you have grown to be such an attentive and caring partner, who looks out for my every need. You have taken aboard values very different from your own, and you have come to accept and understand my traditional tendencies. You have learnt to live for me, as I too live for you. You have become much more aware of your surroundings, which in turn has allowed you to not only treasure me more, but to also treasure other things that are significant in your life. You have learnt to take on "responsibilities" that are not your's, just because of compassion and consideration. Your efforts and progression in your journey to self improvement has been one of the biggest motivators for my own journey. You encourage me to become better at managing my mental health, and become more resilient. You have encouraged me to strive towards a career I am passionate about, regardless of how it petrifies me or how many times I trip along the way. I feel reassured in doing so, because I know that every single thing I stumble, you are there to help me right back up. 

Within the last year, we have both grown hugely as individuals, and as a couple. Something I am incredibly thankful for. At this point in my life, I can say without a doubt, that I love you with everything I have. And that I hope that I can make as much of a positive impact on your life, as you have for me. I hope that I can change your life for the better, to treasure you and tend to your needs everyday that we spend together. 

I was told during my adolescence that I had no idea what love feels like. But after we have been through thick and thin, through countless struggle to get to this point right now, I can truly say that I know that feeling of loving someone. Even after 4 years, I still get excited just to be with you. I still get excited for dates. It even brings me joy to nap with you. Everyday that I tell you I love you, I mean it from the bottom of my heart. 

I love you dearly, 

Your kitty.

How we have spent most of our time together lately (lol)