Reaching for Clear Skies

I've just gotten home from a trip to Vietnam. It was ahh, a lot of things to say and that would be for another time since it is late. After returning, things have been different. A pretty amazing different tbh. Everyday i feel really loved an appreciated for the things I do. Things really has changed for the better after we took some time apart that I just want to keep working together with him to improve our relationship. It feels as though the three weeks apart has really loosened things up for us.. I have become a lot more patient and my temper is a lot better. I'm able to enjoy Denne's cheekiness and playfulness a lot more. It feels as though we have gone over quite a few rough spots and we have been able to open up more. I guess with understanding comes compassion? I appreciate his efforts so much I just want to spoil the living shit out of him. 

P.S, hes become quite the beast hahas. 

Sometimes I just can't help but feel so little and so hopeless. No matter what I do, I can't make things better. No matter what I try, how much time and effort I put into it, things stay the same. I can't help but feel so useless and purposeless. As though I have no significance what so ever. I'm probably just not good enough to achieve anything, and I just haven't come to accept it yet...

I just want things to get better, so that we can live happily together.

When people suddenly pull out their bloody headsets, without remembering that their webcam mic is a MOTHER FUCKING LOT more sensitive then their fucking headset mic. You get your ear blown off, and a ring in your head for the fucking hundredth time and they get mad because you explained (for the hundredth fucking time as well) why it fucking hurts. Like dude, the headset mic is so fucking low, that I need to turn you up from 1 notch (which is for the webcam mic) to a freaken 3 or 4, just to hear you ok. Mind you, 1 is already freaken loud for the webcam mic. So for the love of god and for the health of my eardrums, a fucking warning PLEASE.

Like the post from a few days ago, I really do think that unconditional love is the key to long lasting relationships. Independence, self-esteem, trust, and balance are also something that I treasure. However, I find it exceedingly difficult to find a balance without having to ask for things in return. Maybe it's because I care too much about it whilst it really isn't an issue for my boyfriend, but it never seems to be resolved. Even when talking it out, he also cannot come up with a resolution. 

To find balance, (unless the two people are completely in sync, which they mostly aren't), you need to have some wiggle room. Some space to have adjustments and to actively contribute. However, it doesn't work this way unless both parties are consciously putting in the thought to do so. It's not even about putting effort into it, its whether or not the need to wiggle is even noticed.

Then if one person is on a 7/10 in regards to attentiveness towards balance and the other isn't really phased by it and is at a 3/10, then it gets iffy. Again, it isn't that 3/10 means they don't give a shit, its just something they don't think is important. The one that is at the 7/10 doesn't end up feeling satisfied with the balance (balance can be in all regards of the relationship, not just whether or not needs are being met). The 3/10 can be left feeling overwhelmed by the demands of the other party and may in turn disengage from the relationship. So what can be done in such a situation? If a simple talk about the awareness could solve something like this, relationships would obviously be a piece of cake. Unfortunately, it isn't. Some people might just not give a shit, that situation, just gtfo before it gets worse. But most situations, that is just how they are by nature. Nothing in general really phases them. So....

"But is love enough to build a lasting relationship? And does unconditional love mean that no matter what your partner does, your feelings don't change?

The answer is no to both"

Just because you love the person, doesn't mean you'll stay together. If you cannot work something like this out, then you would either break up, or stay in a tug-o-war of a relationship. Either way, no-no's. 

"Unconditional love within the context of a relationship is a dance in which both partners participate."

"But... unconditional love within the context of lasting relationship requires lots of wiggle room. As part of self-love, you know your own personal boundaries and the limits of what you find to be acceptable and healthy behaviours and relations from your beloved.

It is your job in the relationship to 'use your influence in a caring and disciplined manner to create a balanced exchange with your partner. Such skills are not exercised to control or manipulate for selfish gain, but rather to maintain a mutually beneficial and satisfying partnership.

When both partners are aware of their personal boundaries, and are committed to communicating them in loving and non-threatening ways, then the relationship can continue to re calibrate and grow ever stronger over the years. With the ability to communicate openly, negotiate willingly, and compromise and make adjustments, you can build a strong relationship in which unconditional love develops and grows more satisfying over time."

To my understanding, there is a very fine line between that and plain old demanding and expecting. Simple, little actions that may not seem important can completely change the outcome. The article I got this quote from, really hows what can happen when we over-analyze past relationships to try and dig out 'mistakes' that we can possible 'fix' in the new relationship. This can just make us fall right back into the pattern of seeking someone to provide for your needs. 

Although over-analyzing things is within my nature, something that I probably can not completely get rid of no matter how hard I try, I need to make the thoughts of less importance and urgency. All I should really ask for is for him to actively try and work at it with me as we go on this journey together, whilst I try my best and be the best partner I can be for him. I have been improving myself and trying to become a better me, but I obviously still need some more soul searching. 

Maybe I might be a bit more selfish and ask him to be a bit more patient with me as I work on myself whilst I offer the same to him. Although our journey to discovering yourselves are not the same, hopefully I'll be able to be there to give you some support along the way as you are offering me. 

Ahhhhh. It's 1.20 and my train of though completely derailed. In the beginning, it was muddle of confused and puzzled thoughts, not knowing what to do. Not knowing what was right or wrong and not knowing which path would be best. However, in the end, my thoughts just took me to, "God I love him. He really does a lot for me." Maybe, I'm just trying too hard to try and figure out the solution to something that is as complicated as this. Maybe it would be better just to take it slow. Take some quality time together and talk it out, taking as many times as needed. Well, maybe we could do so tomorrow. Who knows.

No matter how exhausted I feel, just thinking of you and how much you mean to me makes me want to stand back up and keep going.

Never give all your time and effort into someone who has shown you that they wouldn't do the same for you.

There is this thing within relationships that really gets me into a jumble. 

"Even after all this time, the Sun never says to the earth, 'You owe me.' Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky."

Aka, give your spouse what you give without asking for anything back. I feel as though it won't work out, unless the two people are on the same level. I believe that you should always give without asking anything in return. But when you're living with the specific person every single day and when you do all these things for this specific person, yet you don't receive back, it can hurt. It is fucking hard. No matter how I try and think about it, relationships always end sup being a give and take thing. It always comes down to this; It doesn't need to be a 50/50 give and receive ratio. But it can't also be something ridiculous like a 10/90 thing either. 

I find that it is an incredibly difficult thing to expect your spouse not to want/demand in return if you yourself don't actively try and treat her back for the effort he/she gives you. It may not even be their fault that they don't actively do so. They might of never been in such a relationship before. They might have never been put into a situation where they need to also tend to the needs of another individual. It can just be pure absentmindedness or even inexperience, rather than neglect. 

I feel that understanding that is the first step to getting somewhere. You can't just be constantly doing things for them and have them just chill, because burn out is a pretty common thing. You can't expect that from your spouse either. It isn't like, 'he's/she's washing up the dishes, oh isn't that nice,' and proceed to bum out. No matter how patient they are, they didn't get into a relationship with out to be your mother or your father. They fell in love with you for a good amount of things. They fell in love with you because of intimacy, because of effort, because of quality time etc. What the fuck do you think is going to happen when all that shit is gone? If your time, effort, expressions and attentiveness drops from a 9 to a 2, how the fuck are they meant to be satisfied. 

But at the same time... "DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING BACK"

It's easily said and sounds perfect. Some people I've had conversations with say that that is how it should be and that is how they are. But when I give them a situation where they are giving 9 parts and their spouse is giving 1 part. They all don't like the idea of it. They wouldn't be happy with that. I don't know anyone who would.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!! It's selfish to want something back, and if you do something to get something in return, then that isn't a good motive to have when doing a good deed. 

So what would you do in this situation? 

Do you;

1. Suck it up and deal with it

2. Talk about it and tell them you want more (directly)

3. Beat around the bush?

Like seriously, what do you do? Number one should never be an option and number three is just a waste of time. But number two has its difficulties too due to many factors, whether is you not being able to keep your cool, your spouse taking it defensively, your spouse being inconsistent, bad communication and a fucktone of other things that can just make it all into one big, long, dragged out fight which can foster bitterness and spite between the two individuals. 

Hence, I find this extremely difficult. I question myself whether I should just take what I am given. If I should lessen the things I do, or if I should just continue to with things are they are. I'm so on the fence with an issue that is so common in relationships... its stupid. I guess that means a lot more growing up to do

My general outlook is, "Both parties must put a good amount of effort into satisfying the needs of the other and show them that they are loved in their own love language, but at the same time they also need to understand that they are in deed another individual. Hence, as much as you need to tend to their needs, you also need to let go, so that both parties can do and enjoy their own thing in their own time." A lot easier said than done. Again, good in theory, but applying it is another story.

-Just needed to put my wondering thoughts down-

(I wonder too many times, too often, too long)

I am ALL in for gender equality and equality for all people no matter the race, sex, gender orientation, age etc. Equality is what my morale is based on. However, I FUCKING HATE IT, when ladies say, "I'm a female     insert word here     ." 

"I'm a female gymer" 

"I'm a female billiard player"

"I'm a female biker"

"I'm a female builder"

"I'm a girl gamer"

(The fucking worse one...)

Why can't you just be a gamer? Why do you have to be a "girl gamer." I play games because I love to play games, because I fucking can. The girls that actually do genuinely love to play games, don't fucking call themselves that. Someone once said to me, "oh, so you're a girl gamer?" No... just no. I like to play games, no fucking big deal.

 I find it incredibly retarded when ladies are like, "EQUALITY," while putting labels on themselves, trying to sound as though they are better because they are doing 'guy things'. Is it a new hipster thing? It just itches me so bad. The current issue for our society is gender equality. Every lady wants to be treated fairly and they do not want to be treated , objectified or looked at a certain way just because they are a female. Yet, ladies are going around, keeping the gap apart with these stupid labels. I feel as though this shouldn't be bothering me, but eh, whatever.