Reaching for Clear Skies

Grandpa took his last breath last Tuesday, 2nd of August 2016. Fifth Uncle went down to change his diaper as per usual in the afternoon. Grandpa turned around, vomited and exhaled for the last time.  Grandma was also in the room. Uncles and Aunts started to call mum and every other relative outside the country. All aunts in Australia, along with mum booked the first flight to Viet Nam. Mum still needed her VISA approved so that she could leave the next night. I haven't prayed so hard for anything for along time. Although I was already able to convince mum to arrange to go see Grandpa before he passes, she wasn't able to make it in time. First I was feeling really blue, but the second I saw mum, I could tell she was absolutely gutted. I just hope she doesn't regret not being able to see him before he died. 

Anywho, I wasn't able to go to Viet Nam since my passport has expired. It took a while for my licence to come in, so even if I did the passport thing asap, I still wouldn't have made it. Despite that,. I still deeply regret it. I wasn't able to be there to support mum during her most difficult time, and I wasn't able to see grandpa off.

The day after mum left for Viet Nam, I burned some offerings for grandpa since I didn't know what day he would be cremated.

 What I wanted most was to get him a suit, or clothing of some sort. He had to wear sets of the same clothing, every day for the last decade. I was really adamant on this, and despite Denne's lack of understanding towards these things, he did so much to help me out. He was able to get the joss paper I wanted while I was at work, and he there the whole time, comforting me while I sat there burning this paper and crying.  

Afterwards, I was told that Grandpa was being cremated on Monday (9th Aug). So I dropped to the shops to get myself Copper joss paper specifically, and then a bunch of other stuff. I burnt the giant copper joss paper stuck first, so it's not in this picture, but this is everything else. Traditional Chinese/Vietnamese clothing, coin paper, LOTS of paper money and other small stuff. 

Still struggle to come to term with everything. Still worried about mum. 

I was recommended to see go see Dr Bennett about my escapism and possible anxiety issues. I was told that my symptoms are textbook symptoms of anxiety, but it may also be due to an array of other things. He got me to have a blood test to look at my irons levels. Difficulty sleeping, lack of energy, always feeling tired despite the amount of sleep and difficulty concentrating can be symptoms of low iron levels. Turns out I was as normal as normal can get. There was not a thing out of place, or on the boundaries.

Dr Bennett also got me to do a self-report questionnaire on anxiety, depression and something else ( I forgot what it was). Since I am in the process of studying an extended major in psychology, I've had experience with how these questionnaires work. Ie. how they are structured, how they are scored and how the questions are manipulated in attempts to make the intentions of the questionnaire a bit ambiguous. I've looked really deeply into personality and mental illness type questionnaires because I had to come up with a short questionnaire for an experiment I needed to conduct for an assessment piece in a social psyc course. I saw the headers of the marking scheme and I'm just thinking, "oh shit, I know how this is marked and how it will be interpreted." Without a second thought, the second I saw the marking side, I folded the paper so I could complete the questionnaire without and biases. 

Results suggested that its probably not depression and it may very well be something to do with anxiety. I was asked if any of my family do display any of the same symptoms I've noticed in myself. I do see it in mum. Not as obvious as it is with me, because I assume she has grown to cope with it, but I do see plenty of resemblances. All of that, along with the fact that anxiety is most common in 15 - 25 year old females... yeah. And that is how I am here, pending to go see a psychologist. Yay

I was completely oblivious to it, until I studied mood disorders and anxiety in an introductory psychology class. I ticked off every box in regards to the symptoms as my stomach started to drop lower and lower. I was completely ignorant towards it. 

Honestly though, I'm scared. It's as though I've finally gotten a glimpse of the monster in my closet. And quite frankly, I can't come to terms with how to feel. With that, along with whats happening with grandpa and my studies being so unsure this semester, I feel so lost. Even after the dope as grades I got last semester, it just suddenly feels as though I took a few steps back and lost sight of everything again.



I try to so hard to hide it, like nothing is wrong. The fear of being judged and looked down upon as weak is ridiculous. But really, I just yearn for comfort and reassurance, something that is difficult to come across. I try and keep it to myself, because I think its unfair for me to expect Denne to understand and be able to comfort me when he can't even grasp what and how I'm feeling. 

I was just recently told that Grandpa (mum's dad) in Vietnam is dying. The man has been bedridden for nearly a decade now. He begin with having difficulty with his muscles and slight reduction of mobility. As the years went by, began to lost more and more "functions" until he became completely depend on Grandma and the family. The last time I saw him, he was unable to do anything himself and could barely squeeze out a word.

Now, he has kidney failure... and there is nothing that can be done to save him. Renal failure has no real long term treatment/cure other than transplants. Grandpa would probably not be able to survive the surgery itself, let alone the medication that is needed in order to stop the body from rejecting the organ. Blood transfusion is a temporary solution, but I was told that it wouldn't help him even in the short run. 

All we can do for him now is give him pain killers until he passes from renal failure.

All we can do is wait for the toxins to build up in his body.

Wait for the his body to shut down from being flooded with the toxins that his body cannot get rid of.

We are unsure how long Grandpa will last, whether it be a few more weeks, a few months or even over half a year. All I know is that he will either be consciously suffering or completely drugged up the whole time that he has left. I'm not sure how to feel about it. It hurts to see him suffering.

It also hurts that... the next time I see him, he will be laying in a coffin in the living from of my mum's family home.

"Love", in the sense of igniting the flames is easy. "Love" in the sense of infatuation, lust, or "the honey moon phase" is almost effortless. The urge to spoil them, to smother them with love, to make sure that they have absolutely everything they could ever ask wish for and more, is overwhelming. It comes naturally. That's all you want to do. Your happiness is their smile, and the way they light up when they look at you. 

Sadly, this urge is short lived. It's not uncommon for people to settle into the mindset of, "I already won him/her." Just because they are your's doesn't mean you stop putting in effort. It's not that one must always act as though they are trying to win over their person of interest. It's just that ... it's too common that one gets overly comfortable with their relationship. What comes next? Someone is taken for granted, appreciation diminishes as services and favours become a part of everyday life, someone stops showing their love and someone stops feeling loved.

No matter how many months, years or decades you have been together, never forget to show someone that you love them. Never forget to satisfy their need for intimacy. Granted, you will never feel the same way as you did during the honeymoon phase. It's a fleeting feeling, a rush of lust, infatuation and curiosity. It's something you will only feel in the very beginning. However... love should never feel dull. Love should never feel like a chore, nor should it ever feel like an obligation. 

If they really loved you, from the bottom of their heart, you should feel it in your heart. It should make you light up and glow. It should make you smile, even without any real reason to. I don't think these feels should be fleeting. I think that you should always be doing something to make sure your partner feels this, no matter the medium may be. 

 Love is when the fuel of the honeymoon phase has burnt out, but the flame is still burning strong from the efforts of both parties. 

It's easy to ignite the flames, but whether or not flame continues to burn is entirely up to you.

Even with progression in a positive direction, hidden under the surface is the sense of numbness that pokes at me.

When you begin to dig a bit deeper, you will find anger. You will find resentment. You will find someone who is fucking screaming from the pain of the year of wrongdoing. You will find someone who will lash out at any repeated offences, no matter what the magnitude. 

But when you dig beyond that, you will just find someone who is lonely. You will find someone who is wounded. Someone who is exhausted of staying strong. 

I've fought with everything I had. Now there's nothing left of me.

But then again, I'm just playing the victim card again aren't I.

The last few days have been difficult. Not necessarily hard in the sense of dread, anxiety and tears, but more in the sense of feeling completely bummed. I keep telling myself that I need to do some work for uni, but it's just not happening. I'm struggling with the fact that we had to let Bolt go. Even though my head tells me it wasn't something I had much control over, I cant help but feel "uugghhh". I'm not sure how to even express these feelings, other than this clusterfuck;

"Increased activity in the anterior cingulate cortex, the region of the brain that registers physical pain, triggers the secretion and increased production of stress hormones such as Cortisol and Adrenalin from various endocrine glands. This can lead to many physical symptoms including nausea, feeling light headed and shortness of breath. Not only that, feel good hormones such as Dopamine are released when confronted with stimuli representing the target individual. The inability to satisfy the need for the target leads to feelings of withdrawal."

In short, I am fucking heart broken to the point where I  feel physically sick. Whenever I think about Bolt or see photos of him, I am overcome with the desire to hug and pat my baby. My brain expects an emotional fix every time I see or think about Bolt because I have always been able to have that until now. Now that I don't physically have Bolt anymore, my brain is going, "WTAF IS GOING ON," and starts looking for something to fill in the void. I have been successful at not doing anything impulsive... well, that is if you don't count procrastinating on everything. I have a chronic case of procrastination regardless of this situation, so I'd like to think that doesn't count :D. I guess I just have to try and push through as fast as possible so I can re-gear in time for exams. Luckily, my brain will re-wire itself out of this shitty cycle and I'll get over it... eventually. Probably will never completely get over it, but feeling ok and knowing he is in a good place is the best I can hope for.

Ps. I think its noteworthy that these feelings are when I'm alone. For some reason, most of what I feel around Denne is just... Iunno, I just feel numb. I feel lost and confused. I feel uncertainty at every turn. Sometimes I feel so unsure that it seems as though I'm halfheartedly holding on. I'm so overwhelmed with feelings, yet at the same time I'm unsure how to feel. Lost and confused is really what it is.

I can now give her a peanut by hand. I can hand it directly to her when I move slowly. She will stand there and watch as I approach, but doesn't run for her life anymore. If I keep my hand further away from her, I need to wait a while as she contemplates whether or not she should come to me to get it. She will come get the peanut, but she will snatch it and run back to her perch. This is a significant improvement from her running for dear life almost every time she sees me. I have successfully converted her to a full pelleted diet. She seems to be having a bit of trouble with the smaller pellets though. I might go get her medium sized pellets so she can hold them with her feet and eat. She seems to much prefer something she can hold, rather than just pecking at it like the tiels. I'll drop by petcity within the next week or so and get a small bag of roudy bush medium pellets.

Now to get her to come towards me with less fear and uncertainty. Yes, this will take a long time. She pretty much reverted back to being untamed. Its gonna take a while for her to get used to hands again.