The last few days have been difficult. Not necessarily hard in the sense of dread, anxiety and tears, but more in the sense of feeling completely bummed. I keep telling myself that I need to do some work for uni, but it's just not happening. I'm struggling with the fact that we had to let Bolt go. Even though my head tells me it wasn't something I had much control over, I cant help but feel "uugghhh". I'm not sure how to even express these feelings, other than this clusterfuck;

"Increased activity in the anterior cingulate cortex, the region of the brain that registers physical pain, triggers the secretion and increased production of stress hormones such as Cortisol and Adrenalin from various endocrine glands. This can lead to many physical symptoms including nausea, feeling light headed and shortness of breath. Not only that, feel good hormones such as Dopamine are released when confronted with stimuli representing the target individual. The inability to satisfy the need for the target leads to feelings of withdrawal."

In short, I am fucking heart broken to the point where I  feel physically sick. Whenever I think about Bolt or see photos of him, I am overcome with the desire to hug and pat my baby. My brain expects an emotional fix every time I see or think about Bolt because I have always been able to have that until now. Now that I don't physically have Bolt anymore, my brain is going, "WTAF IS GOING ON," and starts looking for something to fill in the void. I have been successful at not doing anything impulsive... well, that is if you don't count procrastinating on everything. I have a chronic case of procrastination regardless of this situation, so I'd like to think that doesn't count :D. I guess I just have to try and push through as fast as possible so I can re-gear in time for exams. Luckily, my brain will re-wire itself out of this shitty cycle and I'll get over it... eventually. Probably will never completely get over it, but feeling ok and knowing he is in a good place is the best I can hope for.

Ps. I think its noteworthy that these feelings are when I'm alone. For some reason, most of what I feel around Denne is just... Iunno, I just feel numb. I feel lost and confused. I feel uncertainty at every turn. Sometimes I feel so unsure that it seems as though I'm halfheartedly holding on. I'm so overwhelmed with feelings, yet at the same time I'm unsure how to feel. Lost and confused is really what it is.