Reaching for Clear Skies

People seem to think that arguments are apart of all relationship. You can't have a relationship without arguments and fights. That's a pretty fucking messed up view you have there. 

Arguments happen, when one person is addressing that they are being hurt by the other party, but neither one of the parties are willing to compromise. The party doing the hurting is not willing to accept what they are doing is wrong, in turn ignoring that regardless of fault, the blaming party is still hurt. Don't get me wrong, the blaming party can also be instigating the fight by something as simple as not accepting a genuine apology, or being unwilling to properly communicate why they are hurt. I see the harmony in a relationship is a delicate balancing act, like those you see in the circus where a person is on a unicycle, holding a long pole, peddling on a tightrope. The efforts of each side must be at an equilibrium, much like the weight on each side of the tightrope artist. When either one of the sides puts less effort in, takes the other for granted, get too comfortable, the balance of the relationship will tilt to the side. If this continues, the relationship is just going to slowly spiral into it's inevitable end.  

The only reason there are arguments and fights in a relationship is because both parties are not equally willing to sit down and listen to each other feel. If both parties were willing to discuss issues, willing to wholeheartedly listen to the complain of the other and accept that what they did hurt their partner, then there will be no need for fights. No fights and conflicts would ever exist, of both parties are willing to compromise and work together as a team, rather than as two separate entities. When one person lives for themselves more than for the other person, the relationship is going to be full of conflicts. When in an argument, you think, I didn't do anything wrong, I feel horrible, I don't want to deal with this, you're only thinking of yourself. You're not thinking about your partner, nor are you thinking about your relationship. In that moment, when things are bad, all you think about is yourself. 

When you are on the receiving end of an complain or an angry/crying spouse, what you should be thinking is, Why is he/she hurt?, What can I do to make it better?. Is he/she getting the treatment that they deserve? I need to make sure that my partner feels that their feelings are valid. There is nothing that you can do worse than make someone feel as though their feelings are invalid. Even if the feelings may be irrational, it doesn't change the fact that they are still experiencing those negative emotions. Fixing irrational responses come later, what needs to be done now is for you the be a proper spouse, and comfort your partner for hurting them. 

"It's not rocket surgery or brain science." - Swoozie

Arguments belong in academic papers, not relationships.

This disorder is isolating. Not physically. Even with others in my life, it doesn't feel like anyone close to me can really understand. The people you love can say such cruel things to you. Not only do they not understand why it hurts, sometimes they blame you for being hurt and attack you for it. It hurts when the person you treasure the most doesn't understand you at all. What hurts even more is that there is a voice inside me that is telling me they don't really care. 

Anxiety is isolating

Everyone gets anxious about stuff every now and then right? 

I've played games for as long as I remember. I love it with all my heart and bloody hell do I get addicted if I'm not careful. But the thing I fucking hate, is this girl gamer label. Whenever I play games, I purposely make it as non-obvious as possible, that I am a girl. People can make a big fucking deal out of it.

I just want to play games. Why does it matter that I don't have a penis between my legs? Why does it matter than I have a vagina? If guys who play games are just "gamers", why the fuck does there need to be a the word "girl" along with the word "gamer" if you have a vagina instead? Just fucking let me play in peace. If you actually gave a shit about playing games, you wouldn't give a shit about what you look like or what genitalia you have.

"I'm a GIRL gameeeer"
Good for you honey, what a special snow flake you are!

Oh man, side story. There was this one dota game that made me flip fucking shit. There was an AM, who mind is you is the hardest of the mother fucking hard carries in the entire game, was the biggest pussy bitch imaginable. He just runs around OUTSIDE of the team fight while everyone dies, then either runs away or get caught and killed anyways. The cunt had less than half the kills as me... the squishiest fucking support that gets killed in 1 second if aimed by the opponent time. My job in that particular team was to immobilize the enemy team. I flipped the fuck out and went "STOP BEING A FUCKING BITCH MA AND GET YOUR ASS INTO THE FUCKING FIGHT," over voice chat. Everyone was calling him out for being a bitch, but he aims me and calls me a noob... I wonder why. Maybe because I own a vagina and made him cry. Fuck nut

Anxiety hits really hard at weird times and at weird things. The other night, I was trying out a new marinate base with chicken. I'm not the best with chicken. I think I am most uncomfortable with cooking chicken. Undercooked, you get explosice runny shit, overcooked them it's dry and an absolute waste of time. We had a lot of extra chicken that I marinated the night before, and Hoc was going through a rough time. Denne and he drove for hours that day, so I thought I'd invite him to dinner too. During the day, in between running around work, I was trying to get Denne to answer some questions so I could prepare dinner. He took a long time to answer and when he did, he didn't answer my questions properly. Anxiety level was at 2 at this point. I didn't know if it was just Denne and I, or with extra people. Then, it turned out to be a dinner for either 2 or 4, and I was gonna get an answer until they come or not come. Did I mention that there wasn't enough marinated meat, nor was there enough space in the fan force oven Denne had at home, also that it takes around 1 hour to cook? Not to mention the 30+ minutes that is needed for prep time. Yeah, anxiety levels just jumped to a solid 6. So I ran to buy, prep more and marinate more chicken. Was told it would be 4 if we had dinner later, anxiety dropped to 5.q

Went to Denne's place, and I fell asleep for a bit and started 20 minutes late. Anxiety jumped to 7. Was rushing to prep and cook, but I had to keep asking Denne to clean the living room table, got more stressed. 

Everyone come... yeah. Long story short, I never used a conventional oven before, the larger pieces of chicken were still JUST a bit raw in the middle, the potato and carrots were still a bit hard. Do I even need to mention anxiety was as high as it could be? Tried to hold it in until I got home and was in bed, then everything came out.

 I felt like such a failure. That I was inadequate at being a girlfriend. That even with all the exposure to cooking, I still fucking sucked. I wonder why I even keep trying. The voice in my head can be quite cruel, telling me that I can't accomplish anything. I can't handle anything, I run and avoid whenever I feel the slightest bit stressed. I just don't amount to anything. I'm just a waste of people's time and resources.

Within the last half a year, my family has slowly integrated Denne into the family. He was seem more as a "friend" for the first 2-3 years of our relationship, because when you think about it, 2-3 years is quite a short amount of time to be together. Unless the two parties are very different, there is not much conflicts and you have yet to learn absolutely everything about them before the 2 year mark. My insecurities and my GAD has not been completely out in the open with Denne until about a year ago. 

My family is quite traditional. I was raised traditionally, hence I differ from most first generation Vietnamese-Australian in quite a few ways (in no way am I saying I am unique shnow flake, this is the differences I've seen from interaction with other first generation Vietnamese-Australians). Most can barely speak Vietnamese, because they were not forced to only speech Vietnamese at home. My Vietnamese has also improved because I have been interaction with Vietnamese people at work about 3-4 days a week (yay exposure). Some of my views and morals are more "modern", but there are still very traditional values that I cannot shake. For example, I am not a fan of gender roles. I don't like how what you have in between your legs suddenly determining who you are, what you are and what you can and cannot do. BUT... big but.

Since I can remember, I was expected to help out at home, whether that be upkeep or cooking. I was taught or told to do whatever I could. It started with rinsing dishes, to soaping up the dishes, to wiping down shelves, sweeping the house, cleaning rooms, picking fresh produce, picking vegetables and herbs from stems. When I got a bit older, I graduated to cleaning the toilet, then to using knives and doing prep work for food, then to helping keeping an eye on the stove and mixing shit. As a child, I thought it was child labor, though now, I quite appreciate it. Now I am able to cook without much of an issue. I always thought it was normal, but after dating Denne and having more of an "adult" life where I cook more often, I can see that it isn't. It surprised me how Denne had no idea how to pick any fresh produce. It blew my mind how he couldn't tell when something is so old that it is in the process of wilting. What blew my mind the most was that he would eat something, not even knowing the damn thing is off. It was hilarious how he would always come to me and shove something in my face, asking me to smell it to see if it was off or not. 

I naturally reverted back to my more traditional side after dating Denne. It's not because of him in particular, its more because of the relationship itself. Before dating Denne, I was rebellious and did crazy shit, purely because I was hurt and wanted to drawn myself in something. But as I started to date Denne, I slowly started to reduce my drinking to the point where I rarely drink. I just felt as though it was no longer necessary in my life. I slowly began to cook more. Then slowly the traditional values come back full fledged. 

Anywho, what I was meant to be talking about, as Denne gets more involved with my family, he has to become more accustomed to our culture. I know that it is difficult for him, I don't expect him to uphold some things all the time, nor do I expect him to do things to the extent that I do, but I hope for him to be able to assimilate into my family well. So far he has been doing well with greeting my relatives and tables manners etc, but he seems so struggle a lot with other things I ask of him. A lot of things may seem strict, but I feel as though it is just a balancing act, where both sides need to find a compromise. A lot of things may seem "too much" or "too illogical" to him. But the way Grandma has raised us all is quite basic. 

Don't just live life for yourself. Live for others, especially your family and the people that your treasure

I don't spend the time and effort cooking because I think it's fun af. Especially during the summer time, it is hell in the kitchen. I do it because I love you. I do it because I want you to be able to enjoy food that is especially tailored to  how you like to eat. I want to make sure that I am able to look after you, that I have the ability to provide you with absolutely any food you want, without having to spend money at a restaurant. I want to provide a warm home for you to come home to everyday, with bomb as food to eat. 

Because I want to make your life better.

I care about you, I want to be able to make your day better, if not, your life better. And that is why I am able to happily and willingly go out of my way to do things. During family gatherings/dinners, no matter what, I am helping with whatever prep there is left. As everyone is eating, I am always getting up and down, tending to anyone who wants/needs something.  Afterwards, I help with the clean up. Denne once asked me, "honey just eat, why are you always getting up to do things? they can do it themselves."

It's because I love these people and these people mean the world to me. Hence why I want them to be comfortable and hence why I am happy and content to see that they are comfortable. 

After coming into my family more, Denne seems to have become much more mindful of things. He seems to be much more aware of the things I do for him and has began to do things for me without me asking anything of him. He has definitely discovered how to show compassion towards others and practice empathy. He is trying really hard for me to learn my culture, but I think I am not the only one that has noticed the change it has made to his life. He has achieved so much within half a year, even Hoc has noticed.

(Without realising, he has already started practicing the basics of Buddhism ahaha.)

2016, for me, has been a year full of struggles and huge loses.

In May, I lost Bolt. I miss him so much words cannot explain. I still cry about it to this day, and honestly, deep down, there is still resentment towards Denne for what had happened. Walking through pet stores, I would see things that he used to love, I would see the huge bags of food that we bought monthly for him to eat, I would see new toys and joke to myself how quickly he would have destroyed it if we bought it for him. I just want my little boy back. I regret not being able to do anything to stop it from happening. I regret allowing things to get to the point it did. I miss the unique texture of his snow white fur. I miss how he would get so excited to see he that he would run laps around the house. I miss his stupid face... when he sat there waiting for food as I was cooking, but at the same time trying to contain himself to not wolfing down everything he can get in his mouth. I miss his derpy smiling face. I miss the dog park trips, where we would spend time.... before it became a chore. I miss him so much.

In August, I lost my maternal Grandfather. I had a difficult time, not only with trying to come to terms with it, but also with the doubt in regards to how genuine my reaction was towards his death. Before grandpa began to display Parkinson's symptoms, I remember that we would call Vietnam on a weekly or bi-weekly basis and I would talk to my grandparents. I remember that I was always excited to visit and I would always want to play with them. The symptoms began to show when I was very young, in my early years of primary education. I couldn't understand what was going on, but now that I look back, it was obvious that as his symptoms worsen, so did his mental state. Looking back, I remember hearing him saying how much he wanted to die. I remember him rising his voice and saying, "just let me die already!" As a kid, I couldn't understand, and rather than trying to understand and I just drifted apart from him. It was to the point where all I do is silently watch him or hold his hands while he was asleep. I felt as though I didn't have the right to be so hurt or to even cry. I didn't physically care for him, nor did I spend much time with him as his disease progressed. I didn't even rush my passport in time in order to attend his funeral. I kept saying, "I'll do it next week where I am not as busy." We then got the call that he had passed, during the week that I said I didn't have time to do it. Truthfully, if I did absolutely everything in my power to get that passport done, I would have just made it on time. I regret it. I regret not saying goodbye the last time I left Vietnam. He was asleep, and if we had woken him up to say that we are leaving, he would have cried for long after we had already left. I regret it with all my heart... and probably will for the rest of my life. 

In October, I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Though it may be a hereditary thing, I was told that the possible trigger/start to it was my parents and the pressures that my parents had exerted on me and the high standards they set. I still struggle with it, and my parents have yet to come to understand why.

Most of the beginning of the year, my relationship with Denne suffered. It really hit it's lowest when we lost Bolt. We fought a lot. I cried a lot. He didn't care for anything other than games and chilling together, and I wanted more than that from him. I was having the most difficult time with what I now know is anxiety. I didn't know if the path I had chosen to take in uni was going to work out for me. I didn't know if my relationship would work out, as were in incredibly different parts of out life. I was struggling to keep my head afloat, trying to work towards a future while he was content with looking no further than the current moment. I cannot sum up everything in a blog, but it was one of the most difficult years I've had. 

But as I sit and reflect on the year, I have accomplished more than I thought I would.

I have improved vastly on my cooking skills, and I'm now able to consistently provide Denne with meals to eat. My mental state has improved and anxiety has the tiniest bit less of a grip on me. My procrastination, though it is not gone, has improved significantly. My grades, most of all, has improved. This year, 2 subjects I achieved 5s, and 3 subjects I achieved 6s. Though I had to drop courses due to my inability to cope with the events in the later half of the year, I was able to still get that one subject in and get a 6 (though I was really close to getting a 7 and I should have studied more for it - ah no, I shouldn't be thinking like that, yay GAD). I was able to rescue a bat shit scared Moustache Parrot, and through many bites, many training sessions and a lot of bloody time, I was able to tame Momo and get him back to the companion bird he should have been. Denne and I was also able to rescue a 8 and a half year old cat. He was left behind when he previous owner left for America. We (I) named him Mr.Nibbles. It's incredible how much Mr.Nibbles LOVES his dry food. We feed our cats a grain free diet, so it's around 50% crude protein and mostly meat based products. I assume Mr.Nibbles didn't have that with his old owner since Mr.Nibbles ate it as if it was pure chicken.

There is also a lot of things I am grateful for. 

I am grateful to Dr.Bennett who was the start to my journey of improving my mental health. He let me go at my own pace, and never pushed me to do anything. 

I am grateful for Dr.Tan. I know it's his job, but I couldn't have asked for anyone better. "When you work in the psychology field, you learn to accept your mental/psychological quirks."

I am grateful for Stu, who was incredibly patient with me and driving. It has been about a month since I passed my P's test, and I miss the cruises I had with him. Even without knowing of my anxiety disorder, he worked with me and cared for nothing more than my safety and my self-confidence. I believe in him as a teacher so much that I have referred him to 5 other people so far. I couldn't have done it without him. 

I am grateful for my paternal grandparents. Grandpa for always being there smiling like the goofball he is, and Grandma for always giving me insight on my life. She is a little walking basin of compassion and enlightenment. I've been progressively visiting them more as the year went on, and now I see them about once every other week. 

I am grateful for Denne, Grandma and Chu Thinh for accepting my GAD, regardless of how much they are able to understand it. 

I am grateful for my parents for letting me live rent and bill free. I am grateful that they support me financially when I really need it; for the tablet that made university much easier for me, for the car they are adamant on buying for me, for the money for university fees or textbook that I can't afford myself. 

What I am most grateful for is Denne's improvement. I don't want to get too into it, but Denne has changed a lot within the last few months. I has achieved things he had been moaning about for years.  He now looks more into the future, striving to improve in all aspects. 

I don't even know what I am rambling on about anymore. I had a set of things I wanted to talk about, but my mind just wondered off. Welp, Happy New Year. 

Within the last 2 or so weeks, I've been hit my this feeling that I don't quite know how to explain. Sometimes I have random bouts of intense negativity (yes, I'm avoiding the word depression). I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping as my mind won't stop wondering around. I'm starting to rely more on having sounds in the back ground. I will turn something on to 'watch', with complete disregard for what it is. I just want something else to drown out the voices in my head, telling me everything that I don't want to hear. 

I've been feeling bouts of loneliness, as though no one truly understands me, and as though no one really cares to. My anxiety tells me that I'm never good enough, because its me who is always needing to change and 'be better' while everyone else is ok to be them.

I've been feeling bouts of self doubt. Am I really on the road to success, when friends I went to school with are moving on with their life, while I'm still stuck halfway through university? They finished university, some even going out into the world with a new job, that they earned with their new degree. Yet I'm here, at home, unable to get myself to progress through studies because of my crippling fear of failure, because of my GAD. I believe I have the potential to do very well at university, but it feels like I'm letting myself down... just by being me.

I've been feeling frequent bouts of low self-esteem, especially in regards to body image. Don't even get me started about this one. It would take a long time to even scratch the surface. I noticed that I have been eating much less these days, though it isn't something I do consciously. I have days where I eat a small rice bowl sized meal after midday, and a normal meal later at night. The heat doesn't help either. I drink much more water, but it often leads to bloating and further body image issues. 

Ive been waking up past midday, unless I have work that day. I fill the void with whatever is putting me down that particular day. If I'm feeling lonely, I indulge in romance manga. If I'm feeling a lack of mental stimulation, I go ready random articles or ready guides of how to play Dota heros. I study particular heros more than I've studied at home for uni all semester.

A few days after these feelings manifested, I started my period. Naturally, I assumed it was the hormones. 2 weeks later, I think it's safe to say that it isnt. On the outside, people think I'm just being dramatic, but deep down, there isn't anything that is more real than these feelings. 

I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. It's 3am. Its a cluster fucl of thoughts on one page.