Anxiety hits really hard at weird times and at weird things. The other night, I was trying out a new marinate base with chicken. I'm not the best with chicken. I think I am most uncomfortable with cooking chicken. Undercooked, you get explosice runny shit, overcooked them it's dry and an absolute waste of time. We had a lot of extra chicken that I marinated the night before, and Hoc was going through a rough time. Denne and he drove for hours that day, so I thought I'd invite him to dinner too. During the day, in between running around work, I was trying to get Denne to answer some questions so I could prepare dinner. He took a long time to answer and when he did, he didn't answer my questions properly. Anxiety level was at 2 at this point. I didn't know if it was just Denne and I, or with extra people. Then, it turned out to be a dinner for either 2 or 4, and I was gonna get an answer until they come or not come. Did I mention that there wasn't enough marinated meat, nor was there enough space in the fan force oven Denne had at home, also that it takes around 1 hour to cook? Not to mention the 30+ minutes that is needed for prep time. Yeah, anxiety levels just jumped to a solid 6. So I ran to buy, prep more and marinate more chicken. Was told it would be 4 if we had dinner later, anxiety dropped to 5.q

Went to Denne's place, and I fell asleep for a bit and started 20 minutes late. Anxiety jumped to 7. Was rushing to prep and cook, but I had to keep asking Denne to clean the living room table, got more stressed. 

Everyone come... yeah. Long story short, I never used a conventional oven before, the larger pieces of chicken were still JUST a bit raw in the middle, the potato and carrots were still a bit hard. Do I even need to mention anxiety was as high as it could be? Tried to hold it in until I got home and was in bed, then everything came out.

 I felt like such a failure. That I was inadequate at being a girlfriend. That even with all the exposure to cooking, I still fucking sucked. I wonder why I even keep trying. The voice in my head can be quite cruel, telling me that I can't accomplish anything. I can't handle anything, I run and avoid whenever I feel the slightest bit stressed. I just don't amount to anything. I'm just a waste of people's time and resources.