I continue to blog here and there when I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts and need a place to pour it out. Sometimes I do just because I felt like it that day. 

A bit of a tangent here, but, I started blogging mainly because of Denne. It was something that Denne did and I wanted to join. It was a down low way of conveying difficult to talk about feelings to Denne. It was also a way for me to have an insight into what is going on in Denne's head. For people who know him, he's one of those people who are not very open about their thoughts and feelings. It's not that it's something he does due to distrust, he just has a hard time talking about it. 

Even though Denne and I are much closer now, and I encourage him to open up about things, that aspect of his personality is still there. It's something we are working on, but try and hold back with the prying/pressuring. Sometimes I wish that he would start blogging again for me. Maybe it's my field that makes me overly curious about mental states and the human experience, but it's one of those feelings that keeps coming back here and there. 

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Been on the roll with studying everyday! Its tiring, but I'm trying.

I FOUND THE MOTHER FUCKING RING!

The panic episode I had the night before had me absolutely exhausted for today. I made it through the day though. It has been a good day :)

Ok. So I'm crying like crazy right now... because I can't find the ring that Denne bought for me on our Phuket trip. Although things didn't start off so well with that ring. Denne was insistent on being me a ring. I saw a stone and a colour a liked, but I didn't like the band. I then saw a band I love, but the ruby on the band was really cloudy. So we got the band and changed it to the gem I liked. Turns out, it was about 100$ more than what it would have costed here in Australia. So the first day I got it, I had very mixed feelings. I felt so guilty and selfish that Denne spent so much more money than he should have on an item that I chose. But at the same time, I felt so grateful and happy that he loved me enough to spoil me like that. 

For me, the value of the ring, and the size of the stone doesn't matter to me. The ring itself though, is a different story. Denne giving me a ring means more than anything to me. I don't even know how to explain it with words. In the end, no matter the actual value of that ring, I treasure it so much because I really like how pretty it is, and because it's a symbol from the man I love that he loves me also. 

I've only had it since the 15th of July. So it's only been a month. I'm so devastated that I've been crying for the last hour while Denne is at work. I usually only take it off while showering, so i frantically went looking for it. It wasn't on the sink top, so I opened up the pip under the sink and it wasn't there also. At this point, I'm just praying that I took it off while I had an after work shower at his house this afternoon. Or I just misplaced it somewhere. 

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I keep telling Denne that I don't like jewelry and that I'm not a jewelry person. But it's a product of me being fearful of losing it considering how forgetful I am. I've had multiple scares with the necklace Denne gave me. I've lost it multiple times, but ended up finding it in the end. I'm hoping it ends the same way as the necklace.

So I got my marks back for the first quiz I completed last week for course social topics in psychology. As I probably stated in previous blog posts, GAD the old fella has been hanging around more recently and is quite chatty. So even when I've gone the quizzes, I'd just be anxious for the next one, and for the results of the previous. I sat there for a quite with the notification, not really wanting to open it in case it was bad, but at the same time wanting to open it because a part of me wants it over and done with. I ended up opening it, and to my surprise, I got full marks. Yay to my first 5% of the semester. 

I also received feedback on my human measurement practice quiz I did last week. I pretty much landed back in Brisbane on the evening before the quiz. I woke up before 8 to scoot to the tutorial. I was pretty behind on the content and the materials for that week. The lecturer gave us content for a 2 hour lecture, a 50 minute recording of correlations revision we needed to go through, plus three 10+ page hand/guidebooks to Assignment 1, 2 and the in tutorial quizzes. I think that was what overwhelmed me the most, particularly because it took me a quite to get through all that content. I need to take more breathers than I had anticipated, because I kept feeling as though I was on that verge of panicking due to being overwhelmed. I also didn't feel as though I did too well on the practice quiz, since most of my answers were just the most educated guesses I could make, based on stats knowledge from previous years. What I trying to say is that it didn't necessarily feel as though I knew the answer, rather I kinda had an idea of what was not right... if that makes any sense at all. 

Anywho, it turns out that I got 80% on that quiz. I was thoroughly surprised. The guy that's been sitting next to me in that tutorial said something that really stuck with me. 

"I think you give yourself much less credit that you deserve."

And it's probably true. I've had more than one person say that to me, more so recently. Though I think that hearing it from someone I just met for the second time hit me a little harder. The lecturer for my human measurement course also said something similar to everyone during our first lecture. To keep it short and concise, he reminded us that we are studying a third year subject in one of the top 3 universities in Australia, which is also in the top 50 of the world. He told us that we should all give ourselves more credit for that, whether or not we end up in the psychology field that we intended. 

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P.S. Met a new friend last week during the human measurement class. Talked to Ezmond and Quan more because I was familiar with them and I was having one of those shy days where GAD had more influence. A few days passed, and it turns out that she is in my social psyc class AND the tutorial as well. We sat on the same table and both of us were like, '"am I going crazy, or does she look familiar?"

We had a 2 hour break between our tutorial and the lecture for the same course, so we spent the whole time talking and obsessing over food. We ended up arranging a food date at Taro this friday. To add to that, after the human measurement lecture today, we ended up miraculously recruiting both Ezmond and Quan to come to. Friday is going to be interesting :)

A new semester brings a whole new challenge. This semester, I am only doing 3 subjects. Last semester I visited the academic adviser for the school of psychology, and I was told that two of the courses I chose for this semester are quick challenging. She wasn't kidding. Turns out, I will not have ANY final exams this semester... but instead, I'll have a minimum of 3 assessments to submit per week. The thing is, studies have shown that a single high-stakes assessment is a horrible way of measuring the ability of students. If you fuck up on that one thing that's worth half your overall grades, you're fucked. What is more effective at not only measuring skill, but also facilitates learning is multiple small-stakes assessments throughout the semester. Hence, most of the 2nd, 3rd and 4th year courses have remodeled their curriculum to involve weekly, fortnightly or monthly quizzes that are done under exam conditions in class. I have three of those this semester (yay).

So this semester, every week I have: 

1. A quiz for my human measurement class

2. A short answer essay for my social psychology course 

3. A one page essay for the social psychology course also

I have bits and bobs everywhere for my counselling and psychotherapy class, along with 2 written assignments for the human measurement course. All in all, although I won't be stressing for finals, every week during this semester will be quite full on. There is a lot of assessments to complete and I need to be on top of my shit every week. I've been overwhelmed trying to catch up with week 1 content, but I've been managing. I don't think the actual load is tooooooooooo crazy considering that I'm only taking 3 courses to make up for it. Rather, it's just the anxiety that is talking to me a lot. 

I just need to manage my time and GAD. I need to be able to tell GAD to fuck off. I also need to not get tunnel visioned with wanting to spend time with Denne and putting uni aside too. We will both be very busy in this half of the year, and we already can barely see each other. I need to be more resilient!

Hoping for a good end to the year. I'll keep hustling through!

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P.S. HOLLY SHIT GAME OF THRONES SEASON 7 THOUGH! 

I'm hoping that Jaime will turn on Cersei and be the valonqar that kills her. Also, that Arya is the one that kills Little Finger with the Valyrian steel dagger that he used to kill her father. It's obvious that Bran already knows everything that Little Finger did to contribute to the war, and that he betrayed the Starks in more than one way. That cunt is going to DIE! (Yes, a bit obsessed)

While at work - "Uncle Thinh, are you a jealous person?"

"What do you mean by this?

"Well, I know you guys have been together since you were in your late teens, so I was wondering if you ever got jealous of another guy throughout the years"

"You know... the great thing about your aunt is that she has never given me a reason to be jealous"

I was taken aback for a bit. So while doing miscellaneous things around the restaurant, I thought about what he said and reflected back on my relationship. I'm quite grateful for how my relationship with Denne has matured over the past year. I'm also grateful for how much we both have grown as individuals. Other than the one time in our first year of being together, Denne has not given me another reason to be jealous. 

I used to be incredibly insecure and scared of being cheated on when I learnt about an ex's 'adventures' when he went partying without me. I was told so by people who were close to him and close to me at the time, but I honestly still don't know if things actually happened the way I was told it did. Regardless, at that time, I was incredibly vulnerable, and that information did not help me what so ever. At that point, Denne and I had the first major fight in our relationship. Rather than comforting me after we talked things through, he went to have lunch with someone. Long story short, she told him to break up with me. Especially since she had just split from a long term relationship, she kept seeking comfort in him; asking for him to drop things and come spend time with her out of the blue, or wanting to sleep over his place. Given the circumstances, I think jealousy is quite a reasonable emotional response. 

I can honestly say that after we were able to work it through and come to understand each other's perspectives more, he has never given me the reason to be jealous. He works night shifts, and although it made me anxious to begin with (most probably GAD talking to me) I quickly became accustomed to it; although I will admit that sometimes I do get lonely when we are both busy. I need to be reasonable, and not give in or feed my anxiety by holding Denne too tight just to calm it down. But Denne was also reasonable with me and GAD, in that he would tell me that he got home safe from work, or gave me a heads up that he is going out to the pub with Maria and other co-workers. He came to understand the extent of my GAD, and understood that my intentions were not to keep tabs on where he was, rather it was to calm or prevent my anxious (and sometimes down right obsessive) thought processes. More of 'btw honey, I'm not dead' rather than 'can I do have a drink with my mates?'

After reflecting on it, I came to the realisation that... I no longer have any insecurities of being cheated on anymore. At the end of the day, I have grown because I am more able to recognise when GAD is talking or reacting. Although it will most probably never go away, although it may be a diagnosis that I live with for the rest of my life, I have learnt to manage it. I am now able to flourish, regardless of the mental illness. Denne has grown to be much more responsible, empathetic and aware of other's perspectives. He has become incredibly attentive to my anxiety, being able to spot out when I am struggling and stepping in to help me. He is happy to make up for what I lack in, as much as I am happy to do so too. 

Yes, we are human, we are flawed, we make mistakes. But regardless, I think we all deserve to be with someone who loves us enough to never give us a reason to feel jealous.