Reaching for Clear Skies

I can now give her a peanut by hand. I can hand it directly to her when I move slowly. She will stand there and watch as I approach, but doesn't run for her life anymore. If I keep my hand further away from her, I need to wait a while as she contemplates whether or not she should come to me to get it. She will come get the peanut, but she will snatch it and run back to her perch. This is a significant improvement from her running for dear life almost every time she sees me. I have successfully converted her to a full pelleted diet. She seems to be having a bit of trouble with the smaller pellets though. I might go get her medium sized pellets so she can hold them with her feet and eat. She seems to much prefer something she can hold, rather than just pecking at it like the tiels. I'll drop by petcity within the next week or so and get a small bag of roudy bush medium pellets.

Now to get her to come towards me with less fear and uncertainty. Yes, this will take a long time. She pretty much reverted back to being untamed. Its gonna take a while for her to get used to hands again.

It turns out the original foster carer had a family emergency and will not be able to take Bolt. We were told less than half a day before the arranged time that we were meant to hand him over. She still have a box of stuff for Bolt that we need to get back. Now we are in the process of talking to another foster carer. At this point, I have been on this emotional roller-coaster for over a week. I'm starting to feel numb and constantly bummed out. I no longer want to interact with people and or do anything other than lay down and stare off into the distance. Tears don't come often in the last day or two. I know we can't keep him, but the thought that he will go to a home that is better equipped has eased my anxieties. I came to the realization that living with Denne is not the best for Bolt. He is unable to release his energy for a large majority of the day, and that isn't something a border collie can deal with. Bolt would do better with an active owner/household, who go on daily walks, not because they have to walk bolt, but because they just do. Bolt would be much more suited with someone whose hobby is something physical, whether that be jogging, hiking or riding a bike. I just hope that whatever home he goes to, they will love him as much as we do. I just hope that they will provide him with the stimulation that he needs to be a happy chill little collie.

Resentment is toxic no matter what the situation is. I now have this deep-seated hatred towards him. I'm just so angry and gutted I still don't know how to feel or how to begin dealing with those feelings. We are currently looking for a new home for Bolt. A situation got out of hand and we are no longer permitted to keep Bolt. 

I hate him so fucking much, for allowing things to get to this point, despite being warned multiple times. I hate him so much for putting so little effort. I hate him so much for putting in so little time. I hate him so fucking much, for taking our baby for granted and only start to love him properly when he needs to be gone. I hate his attitude towards life. I hate how little motivation he has to do get up and do something. I hate how much he has allowed something like a fucking computer game take over his life. I hate how he puts so much effort into online games, while he puts so little into the people and animals that love him. I hate how he claims to put so much effort and that he feels exhausted from doing so, where really most of it was spent somewhere else. 

I hate

That no matter how much he says he loves me

I cant see it through his actions

I have done more than enough to show you that I love you. I stayed committed and loyal to you, giving you time and patience through your hard times. I have supported you with whatever it is that you wanted and never forced to into something you didn't want. I've always had your best interest in mind. I tell you what I need and don't make you play guessing games. I give you everything that you need, whether it be time to do your hobbies or cooking you a full course meal whenever you want it. I tend to your every need, because I just want to see you feel cherished and happy. I always blamed myself for the first two years.

"It's probably because I don't cherish him enough"

"Its probably because I haven't done enough to show him that I love him"

"Maybe I just don't deserve it.

"Am I being too impatient with him?"

"Is he acting like this because I demand too much?"

"Am I Not Good Enough?"

After losing bolt... I can't believe that anymore. I can't convince myself that its an problem with me anymore. And hence all the pent up emotions, the hatred and the anger has been released. Now, all I think is,

"Why would you treat us like this"

"I thought you loved us"

"Why would you shatter out hearts if you really loved us"

"What is it about us, that you would rather spend more time on games than us"

"Why"

--------------------- End ----------------------

Bolt

 

It's not up to you how others treat you. However, it is up to you to have courage to get what you deserve, whether that be through working at it, or walking away. 

I decided that it'd be nice to document my journey with Momo since the process for us to become companions will probably the long.

Denne and I are reaching our three year mark in a bit over 2 months and I've been reflecting on our relationship. Things have been difficult for a while I will admit, but I can really see that things are different this time along. I know I have thought that things are getting better a few times already, but I  can really see the difference in the effort he is putting in the improve our relationship. I've talked to a male friend to try and get a fresh perspective on Denne's side of the relationship and it was quite eye-opening. Since then, I've been trying to improve the way I communicate with him, especially when addressing things that bother me. Things are quite peachy!

Other than the fact that I'm being flooded with crazy long days at university and a lot of work days to boot, peachy :)

I have always loved my mum's cooking. She can cook anything from simple but bomb as omelettes to complicated traditional slow cook dishes. The bomb as bitch went from cooking new and fresh food every single fucking afternoon after work to catering and serving a restaurant without a single complaint up to date. She used to come home after 9-10 hours of work and make at least 2-3 dishes (not including rice) for us to enjoy. Now that we have our restaurant business, and especially of late since our customer volume has at least doubled, mum hasn't been cooking at home often. Something I really miss and surely took for granted. Anywho, what I have associated my mum with in regards to cooking is her comfort soups. Whenever I am faced with a stressful event, she never fails to have some soup readily available. Lately I have learnt a really simple soup that I fell in love with when I was young (thanx mum). I have no idea what the hell its called, but I call it "beetroot soup" and mum knows whats up.

All the seasoning you want for this soup is in the ingredients. The richness will come from cooking the ox tail. The longer you cook it for, the richer it will taste and the more tender the meat will be, The sweetness will mostly come from the carrot was you boil it and the main flavor is obviously from the beatroot =Q. Don't bother with the salt and pepper and sugar stuff. Just a pinch of MSG (bot nhoc) and add fish sauce to your taste. If you are like my bf, the mother fucker likes his food to be salty, so there will be about 2 or so teaspoons of fish sauce added to the soup (note: I don't measure with spoons and just squirt from the bottle, so its just a rough estimate).