Saturday, Denne came over my house in the morning to do the usual routine. I planned to dress up in a cat school girl outfit to tickle is little man. I asked him "I can't find the collar and bell, do you want to go to the shops and find it?" He had a weird reaction and started to act a tad bit weird. I asked him why and he kept giving me excuses. Eventually he sat me down and told me, "Hiro's in a better place now." At first I was blank, I didn't get what he was saying. Maybe it wasn't that I didn't understand it, rather I didn't want to. When it eventually hit me, it hit me hard. I started to cry my eyes out. Usually, I cry without a sound. I just sit there and tears run down my face. However, this time was different. I instantly hugged Denne and cried hysterically. We both lay there for about an hour, just letting it sink it.
We eventually left for Denne house to bury our baby in the back yard. The second we reached his house, we dropped everything at the front door and went to the back. Denne got the tools and began to dig a hole under the apple custard tree on the far left corner of his backyard. I went towards the bag that had a black limp body in it. Honestly I didn't feel anything when I looked at him like that. I just couldn't believe that was our baby laying there like that. I pet him on the head and started to cry again. I lifted him up and moved him closer to where we were digging. I never realize that Hiro has frown so much. He suddenly seemed so much heavier than what it was like just the day before where I picked him up to play with him. Dennes mum started to joke about things. Things ranging from throwing him from the car into a farm to him being covered in blood and shit. I was so fucking pissed that she could he so incredibly insensitive. I started to really dislike her because of this and various other occasions. We eventually finished the hole and Denne grabbed Hiro and slowly lowered him into the hole. The second he touched the ground, his bell rung, and memories started to flood back. I started to cry even more when Denne started to cover his body with dirt. It hurt to step on the dirty that was covering him. In my head I was thinking, "I'm sorry boy, I don't want to do this, but I also don't want to have to dig you back up and let them throw you away. Please bare with it"
Denne went to grab a stone and milk. He put the stone where Hiros head was and started to pour milk over it. Honestly, I don't think I will ever forget Hiro. It was one of the highlights of the beginning of our relationship, so Hiro will forever be in our hearts. Hiro, I hope you know that... even though we spent such a short period of time together, we loved you and treasured you so much. You will always be our baby, the mark of the beginning of our relationship. We wish we could have helped you before you died. We wish we could have prevent it all from happening. But we were useless and we failed you as parents. We will miss you so much
RIP, Hiro
The kitten that didn't know when the fuck his food bowl was full
Mummy and Daddy really loves you
3:03 AM
Posted by
LienhhlovessyhuuXx
I honestly feel as though Denne deserves more than me. Lately, school and family problems have gotten me so stressed that I am such a complete mess. I have become so hopeless and weak that its just ridiculous. The more time I spend with Denne, the more I fall for him. However... the more time I spend with him, the more I am exposed to things that hurt.
The things from my past still haunts me. My anxiety still takes it's toll and my fears stilldrives me insane.
I'm still terrified of my significant other going to parties. I'm still terrified of him drinking, not to mention what could happen as a result of that. I just can't take being hurt so badly once again. But what I can't take the most is hurting him. I can't bare to hurt him and restrict him out of my fear. Knowing him, he would do anything for me.
I remember when his friends were drunk. They told me how happy Denne is. Telling me that they have never seen him as happy as he is now. To think that Denne's friends, who have been with him since high school started, would tell me that they have never seen him so happy brings tears to my eyes. It made me feel as though I had a purpose in my life. I'm not that useless thing that everyone in my life had made me out to be. I'm not as much of a piece of shit because I can make someone happy...
I want to be the perfect girlfriend for Denne. I want to be good girlfriend/wifey material. I've planned so many things for the holidays to make his life at work better and more enjoyable (as he has made school less stresful). I planned to get up around 4.30 in the morning to make him a bento for smoke-o. I planned to make various things for our 6 months and christmas in December. I "play" and "tease" him, make or get "costumes" that tickles his little soldier. I dress up and give him lap dances. I wanted to do things for him that no other girlfriend would. I wanted to do and make things that are unique. Like that teddy bear I made him for his birthday. I want him to feel like the happiest man on earth.
It's just that... My fears and anxiety gets in the way... how can I make him happy with all this weight that is on hoth me and him... I just love him so much that it kills me inside to hurt him like that... I feel as though I'm not good enough, that I'm not worthy. I'm scared that I'm not suited to be yours.
9:00 AM
Posted by
LienhhlovessyhuuXx
lly fucked me up again lol. I found myself in the emo corner once again. I haven't been here for a while but it feels so fe wrong, its not just because of school. Home life + family problems too lol. I'm so tired of everything and I fell so numb that its eating me up from the inside. Everyday at school I subconsciously put up a fake smile, trying to convince mytrulyf that everything is ok. I basically lost the will to do anything with myself. All I want is for esame time as alwaysrything to stop. But as everyone says, the world is cruel. The world doesn't stop for anybody. I've found that I'm slowly losing interest in pretty much everything I do, and I just feel like a shell lol. I've been having horrible sleeping problems. Takes me a good 2-3 hours (minimum) for me to fall asleep, but by then its 3 in the morning and I have to wake up to go to school at 7.30. My anxiety has come back. Although it is nowhere near what it was like at its worst, its still pretty bad. Everything either doesn't matter for shit, or puts me into a massive panic attack.
I remember back in early high school years, where I wrote a lot about feeling like a cage bird. Without freedom to be who I want and who I am. But now that I'm giving a whole massive enclosure to fly in, I can't seem to move. It's like after everything has happened, my wings lost its ability to lift me off the ground. I honestly think that I need to be alone. To deal with my problems on my own and not drag anyone down with me or disadvantage them in anyway.
Even though I say that, dealing with things on my own usually results in the slight absence of feelings manifesting into somethjng more dire. I have a habit of always trying to covince myself that everything is completely fine. I often don't want to face reality and rather run. I know people can vview me as a coward. Especially when I have these scars on my wrist. But no one will truly understand until they experience these emotions.
Cried myself to sleep yesterday at around the same time as always. Woke up thinking, "why did I have to wake up..." yay. Can't wait to have another episode of this hahas.
5:26 AM
Posted by
LienhhlovessyhuuXx
How the fuck can you be SO DAMN INSENSITIVE ARRUUUGHHHH!!!
8:38 PM
Posted by
LienhhlovessyhuuXx
Well, yeah... It's weird, but I'm talking to my ex-boyfriend again.
I know people might say shit and all, but fuck you =) After Mel broke off the relationship, and Lan finding out things about Evan (honestly don't know how the fuck he even did, but that is some fucking good detective skills), we started talking again. I'm a person that hates change, I get over people and things eventually, but I still think "I can't believe that happened" for a very long time afterwards. Yes I am fucked up in the head =3
Anywho, been talking to him for the past two days. Since he is with optus I don't need to watch how much I text him (since its still the same number where there is unlimited txts to optus that I made to text him back then). My brain is like "holly shit, this dude is now just a dude you know. He has not significance in your life what so ever. Now you belong to Denne, and _____, ______, ______, ________ has happened. Your love has changed, its not towards this dude anymore, its to Denne."
It all just hits me in the face and I'm like, ... "shiet, true, things changed so much" and my brain puts two pictures together. Side by side is my past with Lan and my present with Denne.
I tend to get stuck in the past, dwelling over things that have been long gone, however things have changed. Things have progressed from an addictive, inexperienced, hurtful love into a more mature, straight forward/truthful love, with an irresistible attachment.
I don't exactly know where things are going with this blog, but talking to the ex really made it hit me in the face. "Things changed". I honestly smiled as the memories ran through. Things really do happen for a reason don't they?~
5:36 AM
Posted by
LienhhlovessyhuuXx
