Reaching for Clear Skies

Cheating as come to the forefront for me again. It's something that I could never understand. Being demisexual, infidelity has never been a fully fathomable thing in my head. I cannot be sexually attracted to someone unless I have a strong bond with them. Even when Denne and I fought a lot a few years back, I no longer found him attractive. 

I noticed that a lot of people seem to think that cheat is a normal "mistake" people make, that there is always a possibility that people can cheat due to a "moment of weakness". So this is my view on cheating, and why I will NEVER take back someone who has cheated on me.

Yes, humans are flawed. We are not perfect and we make mistakes on the daily. But not all mistakes are created equal are they. When you do something wrong, a "it was a mistake" is not always going to get you off the hook is it?

Yes, men are evolutionarily built to constantly mate with the young and most fertile female he as access to, and are evolutionarily built to mate with as many females as he can. Females are built to seek security. BUT, there is this thing we say a lot in evolutionary psychology - "just because we are build or programmed to do something, doesn't mean that it's ok." We are the most intellectually advanced species on this planet, and we got here because of our social nature. We branched off from chimps 7 million years ago, and great apes even further back than that. Those breeding behaviours evolved so that many offspring are fostered, ensuring the survival of the species. We are overpopulating the planet, there is no evolutionary or biological need for it. I think it's about time we stop blaming our "programming", and move on from those animalistic tendencies.

Yes, we cannot control what happens around us. As much as we cannot fully control whether or not we have a job, you cannot control how people approach you. As much as you think you can have a secure job, it could be thriving, but one day can fade into obscurity and you will be jobless. The great depression happened so suddenly and so unpredictably because one of the biggest banks in America went bankrupt. It's not something you can control. You can't control that people approach you and flirt with you. You can't control that people are interest in you or thirsts on you. You can't control when someone persistently pursues you, or throws themselves on you. BUT YOU HAVE CONTROL OF YOUR OWN ACTIONS. You can control whether or not you become a cheating ass hoe. It's you! If you cheat, YOU chose to cheat. It takes two to cheat. 

At the end of the day, cheating is a choice you make, with complete and utter lack of respect and love for your partner. It's a decision you make, with nothing but YOUR OWN INTERESTS in mind. It's selfish and self-serving. It's never ok to be cheated on, but people seem to be so ok with cheating on their spouses. If you truly love your spouse, cheating is not something you can even begin to entertain. If you truly love someone, no matter how beautiful or handsome someone else may be, it doesn't matter, because your spouse has much more than looks going for them. There is history, there is happiness, there is a connection and a sense of understanding of each other you share that no one else in the world can offer you. If this isn't how you feel in your current relationship, there is something very obviously wrong - and cheating is not the answer.

https://everydayfeminism.com/2017/04/mental-illness-defines-me/

This was a reading required for one of my courses. Here are some snippets from the article. 

"I have borderline personality disorder, complex PTSD, ADHD and clinical depression. The Acronyms alone are a lot sometimes. So when I'm told that these are just a 'small part of who I am', I wonder what planet these folks are living on."

"How can these very significant disorders not permeate every aspect of my life? It's not like a fashion accessory I can take on and off, or a guest that shows up every now and then. These illnesses are always present, and have been for a very long time."

"The ways i feel, think, and engage with the world have been shaped by my struggles with mental illness. They touch every relationship, every memory, every fear. How could this not, in some ways define me?"

"People will insiste that these disorders don't change anything about who I am but, instead, somehow exist apart of me. I don't actually need people to pretend they don't see my disorders, or to ignore the huge impact they've had on my life" 

See, in the field of mental illness, we use labels, acronyms, and terms to better understand the vast and unique experiences of people who struggle with mental illnesses. It helps us have a better understanding of clusters of symptoms and better predict how experiences may effect people. But what happens is that we often allow those labels to DEFINE a person. Textbook definitions of  schizophrenia involves hallucinations, delusions, catatonia, disorgnaised thoughts which results in disorganised speech, paranoia, difficulties in attention, poor processing speeds and the list goes on. It's often easy to forget that, although someone is diagnosed with a particular disorder, doesn't mean that they experience life the same way as everyone else does. There are similarities yes, as disorders are defined clusters of symptoms, but the human experience is too complex for a book to pinpoint. 

I don't allow my mental illness to define me, because I am much more than just a three letter acronym. "I wouldn't be who I am without it" - Yes, I wouldn't be who I am without it. My GAD is like a lens that I see the world through. I've struggled with it immensely. I have learnt and I have grown. When I say that my mental illness doesn't define me, it isn't to invalidate all the challenges I've done through. It shows that although I can never overcome it or be "cured" of it, I can still flourish and live my life happily. It doesn't define me because it doesn't have the death grip on my life as it once did. 

_______________________________

On that note. What I think hurts the most with mental illness is not the illness itself. I can live with it, I can trip multiple times, and still get back up on my feet. What is most painful about mental illness is when the people who you love cannot understand. What hurts the most is when you open up about your experiences or about how you feel, and you get the, "why do you have to feel/be like that?"

I don't ever expect anyone to be able to completely understand my experiences. Even in the field, I can never understand what it is like to have bipolar disorder, personality disorder, adjustment disorder, PTSD. I can never fully understand someone's experience because I will never experience it the way that they have. I can never understand what it must feel like to have audio hallucinations, hearing voices talk to you at every waking moment. What I do ask for is compassion. I would love to be "normal", to be typical. I would love to be able to live without being scared of everything. I would love to walk through life with all the confidence in the world. But I can't. My experience of the world is warped and although I can relatively control to what degree it happens at, I can never completely remove it. So why are you blaming me for my deficiencies? Just because my illness does not have a physical manifestation, doesn't mean that it's not there. You wouldn't ask someone who has speech impairments why they don't just talk like a normal person, then why would you it for someone who has a mental illness.

A lot of things have changed quite a bit. The beginning of the year lead to leaps and bounds, hence talking about it in sections would make it much more digestible.

Work: So I went to buy a mouse because my old one wouldn't stop crapping out. Got myself a G502 logitech mouse for super cheap, along with a proper mouse pad. Chatted with the previous manager, one thing lead to another and I grew the balls to ask about getting a job there. Needless to say, I got the fucking job :) Needless to say, I was shitting bricks at every bloody turn. What freaked me out the most was the phone... I HATE phones... but that damn thing rings constantly and I had to just suck it up and (painfully & awkwardly) beast through it. After 2 shifts, a sudden change in managers left me very anxious. I was only technically contracted for the christmas season, and now that the manager changed, I was no longer guaranteed a position after the holidays. The restaurant situation was also very difficult, and mum was stressed af. Needless to say it was a difficult time trying to push through the rest of the year without a cluster fuck of a stumble. After spending time with the grandparents and getting pep talks left and right from both them and Denne, I just shoved my head down and worked as hard as I could. I've worked two jobs for the past 2 months. There are times where I will have two weeks without a break, but my bank account isn't complaining. Even with some impulsive spending, a half week trip to the gold coast and theme parks with the kids, christmas presents etc, I still managed to save an average of $400/w. Finally reached 5k in the savings account for the first time ever. It makes such a huge difference when you're getting paid proper wages. Pretty much the majority of what I make at the new job goes straight into the savings account.

I'm now a permanent member of the team, and I can't deny that it makes me really happy. I like the people that I work with. It feels more like going to see friends more than going to work. My new manager, although kinda freaked me out to begin with, is a great dude. Once I got to understand how he functions, he's a grade A dude, so as every single other person that works at the store. It's great to go to work without crazy hours and constant running. The benefits are fucking great too. There really isnt anything to complain about at all... wait, I'm lying. The POS is H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E. Also, being the area we are situated in... lots of people are crazy, drunk or high off something. But other than that, I'm loving my job. Once I go back to uni, I'm quitting the restaurant to continue with the new job. Going to make saving much easier considering I really only have 2 days on campus.

Hobby: The amount of time I'm spending on games has dramatically reduced. I'm usually working 6-7 days a week, so my brain is in no condition to play dota without being a useless feeding potato. Plus, Denne doesnt play anymore either. Hes playing PUBG only nowadays. It's kinda disappointing, to not be able to play with each other anymore, but the bright side is that we are spending more quality time together. So I'm satisfied in that department. I've picked up cross stitching again and I'm really enjoying it. Started with a small and relatively simple kit. Denne took me to spotlight the other week to buy a embroidery hoop and omfg does it make a difference in the quality of the stitches. There is next to no image distortion :) I'm a happy camper. While we were there, we found aida cloth. The cloth that I chose from the pile turned out to be on clearance for about 10$ rather that >30$, so I obviously jumped on that. I got a WHOLE METRE... No kidding, it's gonna last me FOREEEEVVVEEEEEEEEEEEER. There was also a whole aisle of a shit tonne of colours of DMC embroidery floss. I'm already about half way through this kit. The second I am done, I am gonna look up so patterns on etzy. Going to save so much money on the kits itself. Obviously it's going to cost a decent amount of money to begin collecting the embroidery floss, but it will get to a point where I'm gonna have more than I am missing. THERE ARE SO MANY COLOURS!!!! The whole time Denne was like, "staaph." Haha. I can see why I stopped going to spotlight.... I want EVERYTHING in there. I can see myself ending up being that mum that sews her kids clothes or picking up sewing as a hobby. Talk about old fashion right?

Also, I'm kinda excited to start on a new pattern... to get all them colours :D Probably going to need to find a storage system for the floss. I also want to make an ID chart for the colours as well. Apparently DMC is a big brand for embroidery floss, so find a way to systematically organise them shouldnt be hard :)

New Year Resolution: I really don't like the "new year, new me" bs. Just because a new year came, doesn't mean that you can do a complete 180. You are the way you are because the things you do day to day are habits. Habits doesn't change when the clock ticks 12. This isn't Cinderella lol. My goals for 2018 is to work passionately with projects I am currently engaged in, whether it be at work or at university. I don't want to keep getting lost in anxiety, thinking about how to get to where I want or if I can even get there. I will invest my energy in whatever short term project I am involved in.

Starting in 2018, I want to live my life in accordance to my values. I want to be true to myself rather than trying to make others happy while disregarding what I want in life. The first thing I did with this is telling mum that I'm getting a double helix ear piercing. I've always held back on piercings and tattoos because I didn't want mum to be upset at me, but fuck it. I want to do what makes me happy. Yes, maybe I won't want to keep the piercing for the rest of my life, I might take it out in a few years, or a few decades. But getting the piercing is what I've wanted for the past few years, and it is something I want to do. Soooooooo thats happening some time soon. I have also let my parents know that I am leaving the restaurant. I want to move forward in life. I want to build a future with denne and gain independence. I want to invest in my own property, I want to build something better than what I have, and it's not something I can do at the restaurant.

I also wanted to learn to love myself more. At this point in my life, I have embraced my GAD. My journey with anxiety is like Thomas Sander's journey with Virgil... It's just that GAD doesn't have a name yet haha. I can better appreciate anxiety for what benefits it brings to me, while at the same time manage it better. What I've struggled with more is my body image issues. I have low self esteem when it comes to how I look. I've been unhappy with how I've looked recently after gaining a few kgs since high school. I thought it was just insecurity, but I ended up coming to the conclusion that I was truly unhappy with how I looked. To add to that, my diet was horrible. To improve on that, I've reduced my meal portions rather than going on a strict diet. It doesn't make me happy to eat "healthy" foods and only be restricted to a handful of things. My diet is pretty much the same, only that I eat less, add more veges and fruits as snacks, drink less sugary drinks and drink more water. It's no painful at all. I've gone from 47 to about 44kgs in 2-3 months, purely because i'm eating less shit and keeping hydrated. Another thing in this regard, I've completely stopped wearing contacts. Yes I do wear eyeshadow from the Kat Von D palette, that Denne gave to me for christmas, to contour my eyes a bit. But other than that, no contacts. Anywhere.

Relationship: The dynamic of our relationship has changed a lot. It's hard to explain, but long story short we are working better together as a unit than ever before. We are both more in tuned with each other and are better looking after each other's needs. We are fast approaching 5 years :)

I'm a potato. Working so much lately. I think I just fried my brain haha.

I've always been weird about people touching my head. Generally, I absolutely hate it. I tolerate it from people like mum or aunts/family friends. But I generally don't like being touched on the head. Though there are a handful of people who pat my head and it feels very comforting. Sometimes I kinda yearn for it, most of the time it's when I'm slitly inebriated :D. With grandpa I feel very affectionate towards him, like others who I am fond of in he sense of 'looking up to'. Very few have made me feel butterflies and tingly though. Can't blame a girl for missing that feeling here and there. When I miss that feeling, I let my inner fujoshi run wild and free ahaha.

What I'm saying at this point isn't even comprehensible is it. Oh well, till next time.

Any man who goes around saying 'I am the king' is no true king - Tywin Lannister 

You show others who you are or what type of person you are through your actions, not your words. Are guys who proclaim to be 'nice guys' really nice, when they have to go around telling everyone they are a nice guy? Or are they just bitter and trying to blame the girl for being blind to how much of an 'amazing boyfriend' they are? Are you really smart when you constantly have to tell people you are? Are you really kind if you have to tell people that you are kind for them to know? 

Everyone has this image of themselves. An imagine of how they'd like to see themselves as. It reflects their values and the type of person they would hope themselves to be. But not everyone is in tune with it. We have a tendency to act automatically or act upon impulses. To be able to achieve what we hope ourselves to be, we need to be aware of our values. Once we are, we are more able to make decisions based on them, so that we could truly become the _______ person we see ourselves to be.

So... I've decided what I wanted to do during the holidays. I said 'fuck it' to the summer semester :D I had a bit of a break down while on the way to dinner with Denne when he mentioned that I'm wearing myself out. I guess he recognised my burn out earlier than I did. He probably doesn't even realised that he just pointed it out. It was one of those moments that reminded me, "waah, maybe you're not as derp as you make yourself out to be." Haha. I was experiencing textbook symptoms of burnout and was completely oblivious to my own mental health. Physical and emotion exhaustion, detachment, feelings of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment, always feeling fatigued, insomnia, blared vision, sometimes bouts of dizziness, lack of appetite and mild depressive like symptoms. 

IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

I need a break from studying and the anxiety that comes along with it. I need some time off. I'll be spending my holidays working a lot and trying to save up some money. I'll be started at EB on Wednesday! I'm so excited!! I can't wait to start working with Scott and work in a more stable and structured environment! 

I am grateful for how kind and accommodating Scott has been. I hope to be able to embody those traits and be able to treat others in the same way. 

Now, to get back to my last piece of assessment for the year of 2017. I'm almost done. So close, yet so tired, and still have enough energy in me to feel some hints of anxiety.

You can FEEEEEL the emotion in ever damn lyric she sings!