Any man who goes around saying 'I am the king' is no true king - Tywin Lannister 

You show others who you are or what type of person you are through your actions, not your words. Are guys who proclaim to be 'nice guys' really nice, when they have to go around telling everyone they are a nice guy? Or are they just bitter and trying to blame the girl for being blind to how much of an 'amazing boyfriend' they are? Are you really smart when you constantly have to tell people you are? Are you really kind if you have to tell people that you are kind for them to know? 

Everyone has this image of themselves. An imagine of how they'd like to see themselves as. It reflects their values and the type of person they would hope themselves to be. But not everyone is in tune with it. We have a tendency to act automatically or act upon impulses. To be able to achieve what we hope ourselves to be, we need to be aware of our values. Once we are, we are more able to make decisions based on them, so that we could truly become the _______ person we see ourselves to be.

So... I've decided what I wanted to do during the holidays. I said 'fuck it' to the summer semester :D I had a bit of a break down while on the way to dinner with Denne when he mentioned that I'm wearing myself out. I guess he recognised my burn out earlier than I did. He probably doesn't even realised that he just pointed it out. It was one of those moments that reminded me, "waah, maybe you're not as derp as you make yourself out to be." Haha. I was experiencing textbook symptoms of burnout and was completely oblivious to my own mental health. Physical and emotion exhaustion, detachment, feelings of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment, always feeling fatigued, insomnia, blared vision, sometimes bouts of dizziness, lack of appetite and mild depressive like symptoms. 

IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

I need a break from studying and the anxiety that comes along with it. I need some time off. I'll be spending my holidays working a lot and trying to save up some money. I'll be started at EB on Wednesday! I'm so excited!! I can't wait to start working with Scott and work in a more stable and structured environment! 

I am grateful for how kind and accommodating Scott has been. I hope to be able to embody those traits and be able to treat others in the same way. 

Now, to get back to my last piece of assessment for the year of 2017. I'm almost done. So close, yet so tired, and still have enough energy in me to feel some hints of anxiety.

You can FEEEEEL the emotion in ever damn lyric she sings!

Ok, so quick update. So the crazy week is finally done. I just finished 2 quizzes (total of 10%) and my last major paper for this semester (30%). So within the last week, I completed assessments that are worth nearly half the marks in one of my courses. Talk about pressure right? Although the marks are only taken from the best 8 quizzes out of 10, I couldn't help but feel the pressure of wanting excel. Particularly because I did't do too well in two of the quizzes during the semester. I really want to get rid of the 6/10 and 7/10 that I'm not too proud of LOL. I recognise that it's a tad bit childish and over-reactive considering those aren't terrible scores, but I just hoped to do better. With those ticked off the list, I am finally on my last week. Now the only thing I have left is a therapy role-play reflection (5%) which I have submitted in advance, the self-practice portfolio (7%) and an online quiz (10%). Then I am free... that is unless I actually decide to take another summer semester. 

At this point I either have 2 options; (a) I take an equivalent of #2 units during the summer, whether that be 1 full elective course worth #2 units or 2 research courses worth #1 unit each, so that I can have 5 full courses to spread between semester 1 and 2 of 2018, OR (b) take the summer off and spend it working and saving up money towards something big in the future and proceed to spread 6 full courses between semester 1 and 2 of 2018. They both have their ups and downs. Option a, although the summer will be full considering I now have two jobs, that would lighten the load for my last year of university, and will give me more time overall during the year to work part-time. Although the summer would most probably involve some degree of stress, maybe even more than I'd anticipate considering that mum seems to be trying to get me to work more days, overall it could serve as a back up in case a course doesn't work out for me and I end up dropping it. But then again, if that does happen, I can take the 2018/2019 summer semester to finish any units that I missed. With option b, I'd be much less stressful, and the transition will be much better during the summer. I could work it out until I just have the job at EB, i.e. helping the family restaurant find people and train people to replace me. I honestly feel like I really want to move on from there. Although to most people, it might not seem like that, but to me, the restaurant has been one of those things in my life that I felt was holding me back. More like... I've used it as a safety net, not wanting to reach out for more because I was too afraid of failure and things going wrong. At this point in my life, I feel as though I've got a strong enough grasp on my GAD and grew enough balls to making actions that are committed to what I value in life. Don't get me wrong, I've been enjoying my time at the restaurant much more since my mental health journey began. Since I worked with my anxiety, I become more able to tolerate my immediate emotional reactions and challenged my insecurities to allow myself to be more open with others and more genuine. Generally, making good coffee, makes me happy. Well... more like seeing people happy makes me happy :) I'm just spewing words at this point aren't I haha. 

All in all, I got a decision to make soon. I'll make my decisions, I'll take committed actions based on what I value in life, and I'll see where life takes me. I am grateful for the opportunities that I have been given in life :)

The exam for psychopathology is finished and there is only 1 more major assignment left. Though there are a few more assessments left, a lot of it is tying up loose ends and proof reading before submission. I'm grateful for being able to finish a small reflective paper early, as it makes it even easier. I will admit though, I did not have a fun time with that exam. After hearing feedback during the tutorials, seems like the majority did not like how the content was covered in the exam. Most mentioned that it was frustrating how it was very little about the therapy processes and underlying theories, and more about empirical studies and case studies. I too wished it was more about the therapies, which was what most of my knowledge was in. Considering that you're in the class to learn about the various available therapy methods, you'd think that's the majority of what they would test you on and then a bit on the effectiveness and related studies. Nope, it was the other way around :D It's a bit ridiculous to be asked the exact outcome of a study when you are presented with a couple of dozen papers throughout the course. Needless to say, that exam, although not weighted very heavily took the crap out of me.

It's been a few days since the exam, but I still feel exhausted. Exhausted is a bit of a basic term to explain how I currently feels. It's more accurate to say my mood and emotions are low. I feel "flat" or "eh". It's weird, considering anxiety is usually always there, but it feels like it's on vacay. I literally just sat there going through the 90 pages of data for my last major paper of this semester, without any feeling at all. No experience of anxiety or anything. I got lost constantly and at almost every turn, I did something wrong and wasted a bit of time where and there trying to extract about a page worth of relevant statistics. But not a single fuck was given. I got lost, I just looked at the handout again and just figured it out. Not a single fuck was given. I get I'm emphasing on it a lot, but holly shit I really could not give two fucks. Considering I have an anxiety disorder, it's so weird. I would usually panic with just ordering the same coffee I do everyday. I would go the long way to avoid all the university political groups coming at you with fliers like vultures. But today I just walked straight through, they ran out me and I just said, "I'm good mate." And when they kept going at it, I just looked them in the eye and said, "I'm not kidding, I'm good." Before they could peep another word, I just went, "no," and went about my day. Like what? whats happening with me lately LOL

I also don't feel the need for anything that I usually do. I don't feel the need to have a video or something on to keep my anxious mind distracted. I don't feel the need for comfort or contact with anyone. I don't feel the need to play Dota, nor do I feel the need for rewards after my study sets. Actually... I haven't even done study sets, I just sat down and did work. No type of gratification is poking at me to be fulfilled. I don't feel the need to have to talk with anyone either. 

#LowMood wooh