Sometimes during relationships, it can feel as though the flames are just slowly dying down. Its a given for all relationships to begin with, its normal for the high of a new relationship to cool down and it is normal for a couple to become comfortable. However, when arguments, disagreements and fights are involved, it really takes a massive toll. Intimacy slowly fades away, along with the passion (and smexy time) to welcome in anger and despise. Its hard to repair these things ... really really hard. Sometimes you just want to tell the other person to fuck off and just end it. Sometimes you are completely clueless on what actions are needed in order to take a step in the right direction. Its hard to not be clouded in the negative aspects, and with that, it just drags your motivation to continue down even further than it already is.
I started trying to put more effort into bettering myself, not only for our relationship, but for me as well. After having some time to myself to reflect, I decided that I will concentrate on being less critical of Denne and to work on my temper. Being patient wasn't enough since I always eventually become frustrated.
We have been able to communicate more efficiently lately. Just the two of us, sitting down, talking. No anger, no frustration, no blaming. We were able to go through a lot of things and come to understand things that are way overdue. We were able to tell each other how things have made us feel and how we would like things to be dealt with. We were able to tell each other why we reacted the way we did to things. Every time we finish one of these conversations, we cant help but want be within each other's embrace. We hug each other tightly and remind each other how much we really do want it to work. We remind each other how much we treasure and love each other. Things are looking up. I'm excited to see where it goes.
Late as fuck post. I had an idea of what I wanted to write in the beginning but I completely went off course.
Denne and I had a really intimate moment yesterday. After we talked things out, we just chilled and watched videos on youtube. I couldn't help but stare at him and zone out. I started to feel the butterflies in my stomach as he slowly shifted his gaze from the screen to me. Our eyes locked and we exchanged smiles. I nervously looked away for a second to contain my composure, but something about the mood made me look back at him. From there, it felt as though something was slowly pulling us together. Neither of us said a thing, but we seem to know exactly what to do. It took just a few seconds for our lips to lock, though to felt like an eternity. Every second made my heart be faster. We both took our time, kissing each other slowly and gently. It felt as though the flames were rekindled. Every breath he took, every second we were close made the butterflies flutter even stronger. We haven't kissed much at all lately. I can't remember the last time that we kissed like that. Its been so long since my heart has raced that fast. I haven't felt so flustered for such a long time. I didn't want to let go of him. I just wanted to stay in his arms and listen to his heart beat as I fall asleep.
I don't know what I'm saying anymore lol.
No matter what happens, somehow, we will always find our way back.
"Treasure what you have before you lose it," is a pretty common english saying. I don't think there is anything more true than that (there probably is something a fuck tonne more true lol). There is a similar Buddhist teaching to this. Essentially, it says, "Learn to appreciate and treasure the things that are currently in your possession. If you appreciate, treasure and pay more attention to what you desire but do not yet have, not only will you undervalue what you have now, you can also risk losing it. Once you lose it, you will experience suffering (grief/sadness etc). So don't keep your eyes fixed on what was and what could be, focus on what is."
Life can be difficult. Our parents are probably sitting there shaking their heads and facepalming as we- the young adults of the 21st century - complain about life being difficult. For kids that are currently living in a country that isn't of their parent's origins, obviously our parents lives were bloody difficult. They had to go to a completely different country with no understand of what the fuck is going on. Not understanding the language, the culture and the way of living in a completely foreign country where you have no bloody idea wtf ANYONE is saying is terrifying to me. I believe it would have been for them, though I can yet to fathom the extent of these stresses. I find university difficult, even though I have been speaking and studying english for all my life, yet my dad managed to go through university with relative ease (accord to him) when he had only had 2 years of english under his wing (armpit). How... wow
We kiddies obviously did not have it as hard as our parents, however, I don't feel as though that gives them the right to belittle our stresses. For a good majority of us kiddies, being smashed in the face with having to decide what we will have to do for the rest of our lives is really bloody daunting. We are giving so many different messages. We are told to follow our dreams and do what makes us happy, yet we are also told that it is rare for people to succeed doing it that way and that we should go to a job that gives a certain amount of money. Its hard to decide which side to choose. Both gives a reason to why the other is bad and why it is good. Both makes sense and both have its pros and cons.
We were fishing today when a meteor decided to smash into our atmosphere and go down burning. It was the first time Denne saw a shooting star, he seemed quite excited. I quickly made a wish and we continued on with our day. Honestly, even though I know exactly how it works, I still amazes me. I have to admit. It was beautiful, despite the fact that it only lasted for a second or so. It flew down from the sky, catching fire and achieving a tail that transitioned from white to red then to blue
"I wish that Denne and I can come to be more understanding towards each other so that we can live a happy long life together"
I started to read a bit of manga again, just here and there, but my lord the butterflies. Iunno, I've always had a thing for manga guys.. bloody oath I sound like a creepy. Romance manga really tickle my fancy. The tears flow and the butterflies flutter. My heart can't take this x-x I guess the reason I loved (and love) reading romance manga is to experience the butterflies again. Its quite an addicting feeling to be honest, and its not like we can feel it often in daily life, so yay, MANGA! Maybe I'm a bit too good at putting myself into the story, hence every scene feels as though I'm being swept off my feet. Haven't gotten to feel it in real life for over a year or so. Completely forgot what it felt like. This post just got really weird ...
Zero... why must you be so hot x-x
Nowaki... aaahhhhh... aahhhhhhhfag ldfjghsf
Leo being tame... ghhksjhlfgjfhg how is it possible for something to be so cute...
Kurosaki ... HOOOOWWWWW!!!!! DFHDLKASGLKHGHIERY *squeals like a little girl*
I noticed that all the character that i have a crush on has really bloody long hair... I hate that irl though... it looks like a retarded greasy mob of a hairstyle in real life.... why... why only in mangas!!!!
I guess mum was right. I should start loving myself more. I should respect myself more and have a stronger backbone. I shouldn't be so easy with things and I should ever give someone too much of me because then I'd expect them to treat me the same and show a degree of appreciation. I am pretty stupid aren't I. I really should start making more plans for myself rather than trying to reserve my time for someone else and I should stop putting my needs after someone else's. I need to stop making this person the utmost biggest priority in my life, since I've been shown, many times over, that it is not something that they will always do like I do. Putting my exams after that person ... I really am stupid.
These holidays are definitely going to be period of self discovery (yay)
I'm especially looking forward to spending more time with mumzies and porky. They are increasing become more and more involved in my life and in ways that I couldn't even imagine. Oh, I forgot the mention that I've gotten a bit closer to Peter again. It's really nice =). Probably might go clubbing with him sometime this holiday.
Current plans for post-examination activities\
Meet up with Sam on the first day release of pokemon generation 3 remakes
Go play pool with Peter (H) from university
Go pool and play table soccer thingo with Porky, Peter (L) and Uncle Wee
Go beats club with the fabulous Michael
Also want to go chill with Auntie Thi, Tracey and the Exchange student
Exercise and diet to get my 41kg body back for summer
Work and take over for Daddy so he can have more rest days. The dude has been working real hard for a while now. He deserves to go chill more =). I want to work at least 3 days on the holidays
Spend more family time!
Volunteer for shelters and animal clinics
CHRISTMAS PREPARATIONS! Its is going to be an amazing christmas =) I'm going to post more of the christmas plans when I have time. I'm really excited.
Life has been shipping me a constant supply for lemons. I feel as though there are a few dozen crates at the moment. I feel the need to go catch with porky again. Recently, I've decided that I hated science. Not in that way, I love science and science has continued to make my life colourful, however, I feel as though I don't have the capacity to find a position within the research field. I have so much respect for those who are on the front line. Discoveries are made daily, and my mind is blown daily. However, I don't feel as though I can go through university as a bio-medical/research scientist and keep my sanity. I want a practical job, where I can be around the things I love. I want a job where my brain juices don't evaporate.
It was really hard for me to decide, considering that I really didn't have a clue in regards to what I am passionate about. After spending some time fishing, and having to to myself to think, I now know that working with animals and caring for animals is something that I definitely want to do. I always talk to Denne about fostering various types of animals when I get my own home. I always talk about dogs, cats, bats, otters, ANIMALSS!!! Denne really things that this is something I should pursue. I really wanted it too, however.... LEEEEMMMOOOONNNNSSS!!
The lowest qualification you can get is through TAFE, certificate III or IV in veterinary nursing. That is usual way to get there. I really don't want to only have a TAFE qualification. I want to do something and achieve something relatively high in my life. At least a bachelor degree of some sort. However, the only thing I can really find at the moment is at the University of Queensland in Gatton. Gatton, aka, 1 hours drive away. With that in mind, I wanted to have a massive search for courses after finishing exams. I planned to do that, along with getting work experience under my belt with volunteering at shelters and looking for work experience at clinics.
I thought I had it all planned out for a few weeks. Then I found out that the job has really bad pay. Maximum being $25 for senior/experienced nurses. Average weekly pay is under $800 and yearly wage usually is $35-$45K. The money isn't really a problem, that is until I think about it as a career and a way of living. My goal is to be able to make enough money to live comfortably, be able to give my children a comfortable life and to be able to give to the poor. I don't think its possible to do that with such a pay. I don't want to use 3-4 years of my life and a piss-tone of money, just to make around $20 (give or take) an hour...
Lots of bloody lemons atm, making those into lemonade is going to be a bitch, I don't even know where to start. Can I somehow sell these lemons .-. ~sigh
