The last few days have been difficult. Not necessarily hard in the sense of dread, anxiety and tears, but more in the sense of feeling completely bummed. I keep telling myself that I need to do some work for uni, but it's just not happening. I'm struggling with the fact that we had to let Bolt go. Even though my head tells me it wasn't something I had much control over, I cant help but feel "uugghhh". I'm not sure how to even express these feelings, other than this clusterfuck;

"Increased activity in the anterior cingulate cortex, the region of the brain that registers physical pain, triggers the secretion and increased production of stress hormones such as Cortisol and Adrenalin from various endocrine glands. This can lead to many physical symptoms including nausea, feeling light headed and shortness of breath. Not only that, feel good hormones such as Dopamine are released when confronted with stimuli representing the target individual. The inability to satisfy the need for the target leads to feelings of withdrawal."

In short, I am fucking heart broken to the point where I  feel physically sick. Whenever I think about Bolt or see photos of him, I am overcome with the desire to hug and pat my baby. My brain expects an emotional fix every time I see or think about Bolt because I have always been able to have that until now. Now that I don't physically have Bolt anymore, my brain is going, "WTAF IS GOING ON," and starts looking for something to fill in the void. I have been successful at not doing anything impulsive... well, that is if you don't count procrastinating on everything. I have a chronic case of procrastination regardless of this situation, so I'd like to think that doesn't count :D. I guess I just have to try and push through as fast as possible so I can re-gear in time for exams. Luckily, my brain will re-wire itself out of this shitty cycle and I'll get over it... eventually. Probably will never completely get over it, but feeling ok and knowing he is in a good place is the best I can hope for.

Ps. I think its noteworthy that these feelings are when I'm alone. For some reason, most of what I feel around Denne is just... Iunno, I just feel numb. I feel lost and confused. I feel uncertainty at every turn. Sometimes I feel so unsure that it seems as though I'm halfheartedly holding on. I'm so overwhelmed with feelings, yet at the same time I'm unsure how to feel. Lost and confused is really what it is.

I can now give her a peanut by hand. I can hand it directly to her when I move slowly. She will stand there and watch as I approach, but doesn't run for her life anymore. If I keep my hand further away from her, I need to wait a while as she contemplates whether or not she should come to me to get it. She will come get the peanut, but she will snatch it and run back to her perch. This is a significant improvement from her running for dear life almost every time she sees me. I have successfully converted her to a full pelleted diet. She seems to be having a bit of trouble with the smaller pellets though. I might go get her medium sized pellets so she can hold them with her feet and eat. She seems to much prefer something she can hold, rather than just pecking at it like the tiels. I'll drop by petcity within the next week or so and get a small bag of roudy bush medium pellets.

Now to get her to come towards me with less fear and uncertainty. Yes, this will take a long time. She pretty much reverted back to being untamed. Its gonna take a while for her to get used to hands again.

It turns out the original foster carer had a family emergency and will not be able to take Bolt. We were told less than half a day before the arranged time that we were meant to hand him over. She still have a box of stuff for Bolt that we need to get back. Now we are in the process of talking to another foster carer. At this point, I have been on this emotional roller-coaster for over a week. I'm starting to feel numb and constantly bummed out. I no longer want to interact with people and or do anything other than lay down and stare off into the distance. Tears don't come often in the last day or two. I know we can't keep him, but the thought that he will go to a home that is better equipped has eased my anxieties. I came to the realization that living with Denne is not the best for Bolt. He is unable to release his energy for a large majority of the day, and that isn't something a border collie can deal with. Bolt would do better with an active owner/household, who go on daily walks, not because they have to walk bolt, but because they just do. Bolt would be much more suited with someone whose hobby is something physical, whether that be jogging, hiking or riding a bike. I just hope that whatever home he goes to, they will love him as much as we do. I just hope that they will provide him with the stimulation that he needs to be a happy chill little collie.

Resentment is toxic no matter what the situation is. I now have this deep-seated hatred towards him. I'm just so angry and gutted I still don't know how to feel or how to begin dealing with those feelings. We are currently looking for a new home for Bolt. A situation got out of hand and we are no longer permitted to keep Bolt. 

I hate him so fucking much, for allowing things to get to this point, despite being warned multiple times. I hate him so much for putting so little effort. I hate him so much for putting in so little time. I hate him so fucking much, for taking our baby for granted and only start to love him properly when he needs to be gone. I hate his attitude towards life. I hate how little motivation he has to do get up and do something. I hate how much he has allowed something like a fucking computer game take over his life. I hate how he puts so much effort into online games, while he puts so little into the people and animals that love him. I hate how he claims to put so much effort and that he feels exhausted from doing so, where really most of it was spent somewhere else. 

I hate

That no matter how much he says he loves me

I cant see it through his actions

I have done more than enough to show you that I love you. I stayed committed and loyal to you, giving you time and patience through your hard times. I have supported you with whatever it is that you wanted and never forced to into something you didn't want. I've always had your best interest in mind. I tell you what I need and don't make you play guessing games. I give you everything that you need, whether it be time to do your hobbies or cooking you a full course meal whenever you want it. I tend to your every need, because I just want to see you feel cherished and happy. I always blamed myself for the first two years.

"It's probably because I don't cherish him enough"

"Its probably because I haven't done enough to show him that I love him"

"Maybe I just don't deserve it.

"Am I being too impatient with him?"

"Is he acting like this because I demand too much?"

"Am I Not Good Enough?"

After losing bolt... I can't believe that anymore. I can't convince myself that its an problem with me anymore. And hence all the pent up emotions, the hatred and the anger has been released. Now, all I think is,

"Why would you treat us like this"

"I thought you loved us"

"Why would you shatter out hearts if you really loved us"

"What is it about us, that you would rather spend more time on games than us"

"Why"

--------------------- End ----------------------

Bolt

 

It's not up to you how others treat you. However, it is up to you to have courage to get what you deserve, whether that be through working at it, or walking away. 

I decided that it'd be nice to document my journey with Momo since the process for us to become companions will probably the long.