I was recommended to see go see Dr Bennett about my escapism and possible anxiety issues. I was told that my symptoms are textbook symptoms of anxiety, but it may also be due to an array of other things. He got me to have a blood test to look at my irons levels. Difficulty sleeping, lack of energy, always feeling tired despite the amount of sleep and difficulty concentrating can be symptoms of low iron levels. Turns out I was as normal as normal can get. There was not a thing out of place, or on the boundaries.

Dr Bennett also got me to do a self-report questionnaire on anxiety, depression and something else ( I forgot what it was). Since I am in the process of studying an extended major in psychology, I've had experience with how these questionnaires work. Ie. how they are structured, how they are scored and how the questions are manipulated in attempts to make the intentions of the questionnaire a bit ambiguous. I've looked really deeply into personality and mental illness type questionnaires because I had to come up with a short questionnaire for an experiment I needed to conduct for an assessment piece in a social psyc course. I saw the headers of the marking scheme and I'm just thinking, "oh shit, I know how this is marked and how it will be interpreted." Without a second thought, the second I saw the marking side, I folded the paper so I could complete the questionnaire without and biases. 

Results suggested that its probably not depression and it may very well be something to do with anxiety. I was asked if any of my family do display any of the same symptoms I've noticed in myself. I do see it in mum. Not as obvious as it is with me, because I assume she has grown to cope with it, but I do see plenty of resemblances. All of that, along with the fact that anxiety is most common in 15 - 25 year old females... yeah. And that is how I am here, pending to go see a psychologist. Yay

I was completely oblivious to it, until I studied mood disorders and anxiety in an introductory psychology class. I ticked off every box in regards to the symptoms as my stomach started to drop lower and lower. I was completely ignorant towards it. 

Honestly though, I'm scared. It's as though I've finally gotten a glimpse of the monster in my closet. And quite frankly, I can't come to terms with how to feel. With that, along with whats happening with grandpa and my studies being so unsure this semester, I feel so lost. Even after the dope as grades I got last semester, it just suddenly feels as though I took a few steps back and lost sight of everything again.



I try to so hard to hide it, like nothing is wrong. The fear of being judged and looked down upon as weak is ridiculous. But really, I just yearn for comfort and reassurance, something that is difficult to come across. I try and keep it to myself, because I think its unfair for me to expect Denne to understand and be able to comfort me when he can't even grasp what and how I'm feeling. 

I was just recently told that Grandpa (mum's dad) in Vietnam is dying. The man has been bedridden for nearly a decade now. He begin with having difficulty with his muscles and slight reduction of mobility. As the years went by, began to lost more and more "functions" until he became completely depend on Grandma and the family. The last time I saw him, he was unable to do anything himself and could barely squeeze out a word.

Now, he has kidney failure... and there is nothing that can be done to save him. Renal failure has no real long term treatment/cure other than transplants. Grandpa would probably not be able to survive the surgery itself, let alone the medication that is needed in order to stop the body from rejecting the organ. Blood transfusion is a temporary solution, but I was told that it wouldn't help him even in the short run. 

All we can do for him now is give him pain killers until he passes from renal failure.

All we can do is wait for the toxins to build up in his body.

Wait for the his body to shut down from being flooded with the toxins that his body cannot get rid of.

We are unsure how long Grandpa will last, whether it be a few more weeks, a few months or even over half a year. All I know is that he will either be consciously suffering or completely drugged up the whole time that he has left. I'm not sure how to feel about it. It hurts to see him suffering.

It also hurts that... the next time I see him, he will be laying in a coffin in the living from of my mum's family home.