A few posts back, I wrote about control and time management. We often fall into this narrative that we hear time and time again, that we don't have control over the things in our lives. Although it is most definitely easier to say we are at the mercy of something that is out of our control, accepting that we have great degree of control over almost every aspect of our lives is essential to living a happier and more fulfilling life.

How does this tie in with arguments? Accept that we have control over the emotions we feel AND express when faced with an issue within our relationships. If you have an issue, be compassion and understanding towards why your partner may be acting a certain way. Your partner has suddenly reduce his/her contribution to.. lets say, house work/maintenance. What may be causing the change in behaviour? He/she might possibly be stressed out or inundated with work. If it is reasonable, be compassionate and support him/her within that time. If it is unreasonable, address the issue with your partner, without anger or frustration.

"Hey insert name here. Lately, I've been feeling as though I've doing more of my share of the housework, and honestly, it's made me feel quite insert your feelings here. I'm not mad at you, but I would appreciate it if you could help me around the house a bit more." 

Lets say another situation, you and your spouse has been busy with studying/working, and you haven't spent quality time together for a quite. Rather than getting angry and yell at your spouse, try to understand that they have other priorities in their life that sometimes they can't really help at that point. You can't expect your spouse to quit university or their job to spend time with you. These things can sometimes become busy and crazy, so try and be compassionate. You may be suffering because you aren't getting the attention you're hoping for, but your spouse is also suffering from having to deal with being busy. Approach like:

"Honey. We haven't been able to spend much time together lately, and I've been feeling insert feeling here. I understand that you're extremely busy with insert thing here, but can I ask that we set a day aside to spend time together after thing has calmed down for you?"

I feel as though we think about our own feelings more than we do our partner's. Again, it's something that is incredibly easy to do, because we experience our feelings first hand. It's hard to think about our partner's feelings when we are flooded with our own, especially when it's something like anger, frustration, resentment. We need to learn to look beyond what we feel. This way, you cause each other less suffering. You don't need to project the emotion, or peg it at them like a stone for them to understand how you feel. You can communicate how you feel, without throwing the feeling onto them. You are causing your partner to hurt because you are throwing your hurt onto them.

Another thing we do that we don't think about, is retaliating when someone tells you that you've done something to upset them. Again, it is incredibly easy to retaliate when you are faced with criticism, and when your partner is telling you that you hurt them. It doesn't take much to know that it's unfair, especially when your partner has tried to address it without strong negative emotions. You can be blinded by your own emotions, reacting in a fit of rage... when your partner is trying to tell you they are hurt. What is more important to you? Is it your pride? That you don't make mistakes and that you can never do anything bad to your partner? Is it the fleeting emotions that you are feeling now, or is it your partner? Are you ok with saying, "My emotions are more important than _______"?

I'd like to think the answer is no. Open your heart and be compassionate. Listen and try to understand where your partner is coming from. You might not always be able to understand, but know that you are two different people, with different experiences and different backgrounds, who want to share your lives together because you love each other. You cannot share your lives if you can't even peacefully share your feelings. 

Remember, we are not perfect, and we will never be, but what is important is that you try and be a better person than the person you were yesterday. The end goal is not to be perfect, but to love the people who you treasure more, day to day. It's about making steps to reduce the amount of suffering that you cause to the people around you. The people who share their lives with you are the people who you have the most influence on. There doesn't need to be fights and arguments, if you both are willing to listen to each other with a compassionate heart, and be empathetic to how each other feel, in order to ultimately come to a compromise. 

I have an anxiety disorder that only 2.7% of Australians experience. My partner will NEVER be able to comprehend what I experience and never can he fully understand why, but that doesn't stop him from being compassionate. He will never be able to feel the absolute fear, dread and hopelessness I feel from time to time, but that doesn't stop him from loving me, and helping me when he sees that I am struggling.