Reaching for Clear Skies

When anxiety meets university... man do I struggle. It's not that I struggle with the content itself, I struggle with the fear and the dread I get about every single piece of assessment. Before I got help, I would get overwhelmed with just the thought of being graded and judged on something that I produced. I'd have unattainable standards for myself, whilst feeling dread about all the possible outcomes. No matter what, in my head, I was never good enough. I wasn't good enough for my profession, I was not good enough for parents, I was not good enough to move forward in life... and most importantly, I was not good enough for myself. No matter what mark I get, I'd ask myself why I didn't do better. 

It was probably something I got from my parents. Something that I will never forget for the rest of my life probably is the reason for this mindset. In the first two years of high school, I tried with everything I had to get good grades. I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I wanted to make them happy. I came home with 5 As, and a B+. I was excited to show them how well I did. My dad replied, "Why isn't this one an A?" That was when I stopped trying in high school, and started rebelling from what they wanted of me. Perfect child, perfect grades. Perfect, in their eyes.

I was raised to think that I had to be this, I had to be that. That my value was in the letters printed on those report cards. I had to be better, because without it, I will be overshadowed by others, I won't have a career, and there are life-long consequences. I had to be better than everyone else, for me to have success. 

This molded my mindset so that I was never happy with myself, because I always had these standards for myself that is just plain stupid. I didn't look at my grades as was to learn and improve in the future. Lost points meant that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't amount to anything. 

Although university is hard, now that I am in my third year, and there are so many papers to write in psychology, ever since seeing Dr. Tan, life has been easier. I've learnt to understand myself better, and love myself more. I've learnt to understand my own limits, while working at it slowly to build it up. It's still about being better, and improving yourself in every aspect you can - but, it's without the guild, the blame, the patronizing, and the self hate. Rather, it's about accepting everything with a gentle heart, being compassionate and understanding to myself, and progressive improving at a reasonable pace. 

My grades improved significantly. It went from failing half of my first year courses, to getting mostly 6s and some 5s, within less than a year. Now (this semester), I'm working on managing my work, allowing myself time to go through everything, while maintaining my anxiety every step of the way. It's still a learning process, but I've achieved more in this year than I have ever achieved in my whole life. I've finished assessments many days, even over a week before my due date, compared to submitting it 2 minutes before the submission portal closes. For this semester so far, I've achieved nothing less than 75% on 6 papers, 4 mini exams, and a fuck tonne of quizzes. Yes, I have stumbled, panicked, and had broken down. But I can count it with one hand, with some to spare, so my fight with anxiety is going strong! 

Working towards more steps forward. It doesn't matter how big your steps are. Just take one step at a time, and eventually, you will gain the momentum to stride towards what you deserve in life. What is the point of taking a leap forward, when you end up taking a few steps back anyways? Don't be too hard on yourself. Process is process, no matter how large in size.

"Hustle Bustle, Denne!"

At times, when I see how the people I love treat me when I go through an anxious set or go through a state of heightened emotions, and I think to myself, 'no wonder why there is such a high co-morbidity between anxiety and depression'. You're going through such an intense moment of dread, anxiety, fear and uncertainty, and common responses from others is:

"What is wrong with you?"

"Why do you NEED to do that?"

"What you're feeling is not necessary. You don't need to feel _______."

"You just need to do _________"

"There is no reason you should be feeling ___________"

"What is this feeling going to do for you? Nothing! So why?"

That is the exact reason why people who suffer from anxiety and depression hide in shame. We are taught, whether directly or indirectly, that our feelings are invalid - we should not feel how we feel given the situation. We feel ashamed of our emotional sensitivity, our inability to cope with situations 'like everybody else', and our inability to live up to what our loved ones expect of us. This sense of shame can easily cause one to feel isolated, as though no one understands them, and that no one truly cares to understand. 

A lot of times, people approach these conditions as though it is a choice. Is it really? If anyone could easily choose between being emotionally sensitive to adverse situations, and being emotionally resilient, I'd bet my life that everyone would chose resilience. Who would chose to be easily hurt? Who would chose to dread something so much that every time they encounter it, they withdraw and avoid with everything that they had. Who would chose to be so overwhelmed that they can do nothing but curl up and cry. I understand that these situations may be normal to you, to the average, mentally healthy person. But to the person with an anxiety disorder, these emotions are much more intense then you can even begin to imagine. Everyone has been anxious about something some time in their life, but can you imagine, that fear you feel becoming so intense that in that moment, there is no way out. When you have generalized anxiety disorder, you feel this with so many facets of your life. It affects different people in different ways, in varying degrees of severity - hence, if someone you love has anxiety, you will need to come to understand what are their triggers. 

It may never be something you can understand. The way your loved ones feel when they have an anxiety condition probably will never make sense to you, but that doesn't stop you from being compassionate. Why? Because they mean something to you. Just because you don't understand why they are feeling anxious/overwhelmed, doesn't change the fact that they are still feeling it. 

So why don't you accept that they are feeling it? 

In that moment, they need your support, more than they need your judgement. They need you to help calm them down, and help them feel as though everything is ok, more than they need to you tell them how they should and should not feel in the given situation. Allow them to get out of that moment of intense anxiety or heightened emotions. Once the storm has pasted - feel free to work on the source of the anxiety. You need to understand that you cannot work on these things, as it is happening. To work on anxiety, you need to work on preventative measures. What behaviours can you encourage, so that anxiety doesn't build up? What can they do to work on awareness of an upcoming anxious process, and in turn work on tolerance? And the most important - what can YOU do, to make it easier on them?

Eg. They get a bit antsy about ordering at a restaurant? Don't rush them. Go through the menu together so that it feels less daunting for your loved one. Ask for more time if necessary. If they're feeling gutsy, let them order. Order for them if they feel less confident this time around. It's not the end of the world for you, but for them, it might very well feel like it.
Rush them, question them for why the hell they're taking so long, or why it's so hard to just chose a dish is only going to lead to an unpleasant meal. Maybe not for you, but definitely for them. It's completely unnecessary.

Eg. They're upset about something that happened during their day? Just listen. 

Eg. They're anxious about something going on at work. Just listen. If they ask for advice, then go ahead and discuss.

Especially within the confines of a relationship, one must be understanding and compassionate towards their partner. If you have a partner with anxiety, then you're living with anxiety alongside them. You are walking alongside them through their journey with mental health. You can chose to either walk hand-in-hand or not. But they sure for hell cannot chose the disorder. 

Approach with:

Patience - Anxiety will only heighten when rushed. Allow them the time they need to recover. It will probably be much longer than the time it takes for you to recover, but this is about them, not you. 

Compassion - You will probably never be able to fully comprehend how they feel because you are not experiencing it first hand, but that does not stop you from trying to put yourself in their shoes. You are very fortunate to not have to personally suffer the condition that your loved one has to live with. So you truly love them, you would treat them with compassion.

Accommodating Behaviours - Make up for what they are unable to do. Again, it is highly likely the things that they are anxious about cause no emotional strain on you. It is highly likely that that thing is 'normal' to you and does not bother you to the slightest. So why not make up for their downfalls? It doesn't effect you, but it causes suffering for them. Why make them do it, especially when they are feeling vulnerable. Yes, allow for situations to work on it, but accommodate for them when they cannot. 

Remove:

Questioning and Judgement - no matter how much you question or judge your loved one, their anxiety will not change. Actually, it probably will. You will most likely make their experiences much worse.

Invalidation of their experiences - just because you cannot understand their feelings, doesn't mean they are not experiencing it. It especially does not mean that what they are feeling are invalid. To think so is very selfish, coming from the person who does not need to go through it every day of their lives. 

Having to live life with an anxiety condition is more than enough on their plate. You, being someone who is dear to them, do not need add more to their suffering.

I think it's incredibly easy to see an unwanted behaviour or trait from someone, and blame them for it. If we share our lives with someone, it's good to understand the underlying mechanisms of the person we love, not only for them, but for ourselves and the relationship as a whole as well. It's easy to blame something like 'clinginess' on the person that is demonstrating it, but its harder to try and understand why. Looking beyond just the behaviour, it may be because you are just not being diligent on meeting the needs of your partner for attention that they have to constantly seek it, or they may be having a bad day and need a pick me up. Granted, it may be a behavioural trait the individual has, regardless of the amount of attention you give them, but you can't understand unless you try to see it more than just purely how irritating or undesirable the behaviour is. There is ALWAYS a reason, and when there is a reason, there is room for growth and for improvement. 

I feel as though there will always be tiffs and arguments in a relationship because we always question why someone acts a certain way, without truly putting in the effort to discover the answer. 

"Why are you being like this? You are wrong (blame), I am right. Stop!"

This conversation doesn't allow you to grow, nor does it allow your partner or your relationship to grow. Growth within a relationship needs an open, healthy conversation about issues each side are experiencing, without blame and without anger or frustration. And with this open conversation, where both look beyond their emotions towards the behaviour, explore the reasoning behind the behaviour, and together come to a compromise on how to improve the issue at a health pace, a more loving and underatanding relationship is born.

Its more than just you. When you both live for the happiness and well-being of each other and your relationship, you will notice that happiness and well-being will naturally come to yourself as well.

 A few posts back, I wrote about control and time management. We often fall into this narrative that we hear time and time again, that we don't have control over the things in our lives. Although it is most definitely easier to say we are at the mercy of something that is out of our control, accepting that we have great degree of control over almost every aspect of our lives is essential to living a happier and more fulfilling life.

How does this tie in with arguments? Accept that we have control over the emotions we feel AND express when faced with an issue within our relationships. If you have an issue, be compassion and understanding towards why your partner may be acting a certain way. Your partner has suddenly reduce his/her contribution to.. lets say, house work/maintenance. What may be causing the change in behaviour? He/she might possibly be stressed out or inundated with work. If it is reasonable, be compassionate and support him/her within that time. If it is unreasonable, address the issue with your partner, without anger or frustration.

"Hey insert name here. Lately, I've been feeling as though I've doing more of my share of the housework, and honestly, it's made me feel quite insert your feelings here. I'm not mad at you, but I would appreciate it if you could help me around the house a bit more." 

Lets say another situation, you and your spouse has been busy with studying/working, and you haven't spent quality time together for a quite. Rather than getting angry and yell at your spouse, try to understand that they have other priorities in their life that sometimes they can't really help at that point. You can't expect your spouse to quit university or their job to spend time with you. These things can sometimes become busy and crazy, so try and be compassionate. You may be suffering because you aren't getting the attention you're hoping for, but your spouse is also suffering from having to deal with being busy. Approach like:

"Honey. We haven't been able to spend much time together lately, and I've been feeling insert feeling here. I understand that you're extremely busy with insert thing here, but can I ask that we set a day aside to spend time together after thing has calmed down for you?"

I feel as though we think about our own feelings more than we do our partner's. Again, it's something that is incredibly easy to do, because we experience our feelings first hand. It's hard to think about our partner's feelings when we are flooded with our own, especially when it's something like anger, frustration, resentment. We need to learn to look beyond what we feel. This way, you cause each other less suffering. You don't need to project the emotion, or peg it at them like a stone for them to understand how you feel. You can communicate how you feel, without throwing the feeling onto them. You are causing your partner to hurt because you are throwing your hurt onto them.

Another thing we do that we don't think about, is retaliating when someone tells you that you've done something to upset them. Again, it is incredibly easy to retaliate when you are faced with criticism, and when your partner is telling you that you hurt them. It doesn't take much to know that it's unfair, especially when your partner has tried to address it without strong negative emotions. You can be blinded by your own emotions, reacting in a fit of rage... when your partner is trying to tell you they are hurt. What is more important to you? Is it your pride? That you don't make mistakes and that you can never do anything bad to your partner? Is it the fleeting emotions that you are feeling now, or is it your partner? Are you ok with saying, "My emotions are more important than _______"?

I'd like to think the answer is no. Open your heart and be compassionate. Listen and try to understand where your partner is coming from. You might not always be able to understand, but know that you are two different people, with different experiences and different backgrounds, who want to share your lives together because you love each other. You cannot share your lives if you can't even peacefully share your feelings. 

Remember, we are not perfect, and we will never be, but what is important is that you try and be a better person than the person you were yesterday. The end goal is not to be perfect, but to love the people who you treasure more, day to day. It's about making steps to reduce the amount of suffering that you cause to the people around you. The people who share their lives with you are the people who you have the most influence on. There doesn't need to be fights and arguments, if you both are willing to listen to each other with a compassionate heart, and be empathetic to how each other feel, in order to ultimately come to a compromise. 

I have an anxiety disorder that only 2.7% of Australians experience. My partner will NEVER be able to comprehend what I experience and never can he fully understand why, but that doesn't stop him from being compassionate. He will never be able to feel the absolute fear, dread and hopelessness I feel from time to time, but that doesn't stop him from loving me, and helping me when he sees that I am struggling.

Anxiety has been talking to me a lot today. I've been feeling lonely, stressed and overwhelmed. 

"You miss him substantially more than he ever misses you. You're the only one flustered about it"

"It's just a set of quizzes, what the fuck is so hard about that? You should be getting nothing less than full marks"

"If you're overwhelmed now, you're fucked for finals"

"You're third year now, and you're still struggling with motivation and time management. It's not even because of anxiety anymore, you just don't belong here"

"Everyone here has achieved so much more than you, and will achieve even more than that, whats the point of you even being here?"

"You're in over your head"

I'm struggling with anxiety again. Going through day to day, trying to start mornings with some energy, only to feel drain not only mentally, but physically and emotionally at the end of the day. I've been feeling particularly vulnerable lately. The work load has risen significantly and I feel as though I'm going through this by myself. I feel too ashamed to let anyone know, because everyone is busy with their own lives. I just don't want to be a burden... 

We often lie to ourselves and say that we have no control over our day and our schedules. We tend to blame our inability to do things on our "lack of time" and/or the "lack of control" over how we spend our time, as though we are stuck with having to do other things that are set for us. 

No matter how you look at it, you chose it. Yes, you can't necessarily chose what hours you work, your boss has most control over that, but at the end of the day, you chose that boss, you chose that job. The boss didn't force you into the job. You chose it yourself. You aren't going to university 5 days a week because you have to, its because you chose to go to university to begin with, you chose those amount of subjects, and you chose which subjects you are doing, knowing the class distribution throughout the week. Living in a society like Australia, you have so many options. If you don't have a job, it's highly likely the government will help you financially. If you are struggling to manage your time with university and the work load, you have the option to do anywhere from 1-5 courses a semester. You have plenty of resources available to you. Not only that, you have the choice of acquiring units through the summer. You have the choice to do it externally or internally. At the end of the day, you choose how you spend your day and how you spend your life.

It's not that you "don't have time" to spend with your loved ones, it's just that it's not important enough for you to prioritise that over everything else. If it meant enough for you, it'd be the first thing you make time for. Don't lie to those you care about and say that you just don't have time for them, when you had the time to go out, play games or watch tv etc. Don't say you didn't have time to study, when you consciously chose to sleep in or procrastinate. You have much more control of what you do than you think, it's just that is much easier for us to play the victim and blame something else, rather than having the responsibility of putting in the effort and attention to prioritise and manage our time. It's much easier to blame the failures we have to something we cannot control, rather than accepting that they are due to our own decisions. 

As we begin to enter our "adult" life, our time is no longer controlled by the government (school) or our parents. We have the freedom of choosing what we do with our lives and how we spend our time. Can you truthfully tell yourself that you are doing the best with your time? Can you truthfully tell yourself that you're giving your time to things that matter?

I feel as though the way my grandparents raised me influenced me to take relationships much more seriously than those around me. I never enter a relationship unless I feel as though there is something there beyond "boyfriend and girlfriend". I develop interest in people easily. When I was single, I was "seeing" a lot of different people (not at the same time though), but there was a certain point I always leave it. Because when I look for a partner, I look for a long lasting relationship. If there are personality traits I don't like, I will end it right there. This isn't because that quality is inherently bad, rather its because it's something I know I either would prefer not to deal with, or something that bothers me. 

For example, I don't care whether or not a friend sleeps around. It doesn't bother me how many different people they have engaged in sexual intercourse with, nor do I care if they've paid someone to do it with them, but when I am looking for a partner, I would not date someone who has done these things. It's not because I think they aren't good people or because I judge them in any negative way. I can understand that like any other living organism, humans also want to fuck. It's something we are biologically wired to do, and something that we naturally crave for. But being raised traditionally, my morals in regards to sex is that it's something to share with someone special. Its not something I feel should me thrown around so lightly, so I would personally want my partner to feel the same. You are no less of a person in my eyes for engaging in sexual activities outside a relationship, it's just a preference for me not to do so. I'd like my partner to have similar values to me when it comes to these things. 

Another example is partying. I don't care. I personally am an introvert. I would prefer someone who is more introverted as my partner. I would prefer someone who prefers to stay at home and snuggle than to go out to a club. Again, just a preference that better suits my lifestyle. 

I think that I'm that particular with some things while looking at potential partners but once I've committed to you, I no longer live for myself. The two only relationships I've had have lasted 3 years or more. I put in everything I have. I live and make decisions based on my partner and our relationship.

How can I make a positive impact on your life?

How can I make life easier for you?

How do I show you that you're a treasure I appreciate having in my life?

But maybe that is my downfall. Maybe I just don't know where to stop giving that I end up hurting myself. No matter what happens, I always want to understand what happened, why it happened and what I could do to make it better, rather than thinking about myself. Maybe I'm just too stuck in the "us" mentality. Maybe it's only been me who has been thinking purely of "us" the whole time, rather than being thinking about myself. 

Or maybe, just maybe, I'm too weak to think about myself rather than us. 

If that's the case, how do I think about me... and what will happen when I begin to think that way?