Reaching for Clear Skies

I need to get things off my chest. Theres going to be heaps of swearing and bitching while I try to get things straight. So here it goes.

Lol its cute how this world is so fucked up. People can say shit about you so easily as though you've never held a signifcant meaning. Even my childhood friend that I've recently been hanging around with lately couldn't help but judge me and talk shit about me. Him and his girlfriend (who happens currently be one of my closest friends) thinks that I try and make shit a competition. Fucking hell, you think EVERYONE tries to make EVERYTHING a competition with you. No, you aren't that good to make people want to beat you. I fucking wear what I feel like on the day that I feel it. Who the fuck cares about being better than you. Get over yourself. It so fucking happens, that I had only one pair of clothing at Dennes house. And are you fucking kidding me?

"I guess she just likes to show off her figure"

Way to fucking make things worse. I happen to like a fucking certain type of clothing. I don't always dress like a fucking nun. Sometimes I wear something that reveals my stomach, who gives a fuck?? I'm fucking 17 ffs. Its the fucking 21st century for peets sake. Your girlfriend qears revealing clothing every now and then too, we aren't conplaining, why the fuck do you have to?

I talk about sex in a way that makes you uncomfortable.... bitch, that rubbed off your girlfriend. Don't make it seen as though I'm the only one, no fuck off. Trying yo make a boys night and dragging Lan into it too. Fuck

This is towards my fucking boyfriend and both of you. Remember the day that we went pool and went home 40 ish mins after?? Yeah that was because I was trying to be fucking considerate towards my boyfriend who said he was "starving to the point where it started to hurt." We didn't have any money for food, hence I said lets go home and grab you a bite to eat. That mother fucker decided to tell this friend of mine that "we were hungry and we were broke." Fucking thanx mate, its not like you're the fucking retard that wanted to go home and eat. Its no like I even delivered the food to your fucking mouth whilw you sit and play pokemon. Fuck you :)

Thanx for ruining my day

End rant.

Truthfully, I'm extremely envious of you. I'm so jealous of those who have had their parents be a huge part of their life. I know its asking for too much, but as I am still a kid at heart, I wish they were more involved in my life. Those who are fortunate enough to have both the freedom to be themselves and have their parents right by their side, treasure it.

Today I graduated from high school. I, alone, celebrated it. While sitting with my beloved cohort, I honestly felt lonely. Not a parent, a friend (outside grade 12) or a family member in sight. Everyone was celebrating their own completion of their high school life with their loved ones, crying happily and proudly, whilst I walked around trying to find people that aren't busy. No one has a hour or two in their day for me. Not a time that is spent to congratulate with me. I would be surprised if my parents even knew I was graduating today.

On monday mum called me with a slightly annoyed tone, asking where I am and what I want to eat from our restaurant. Yet again I was forgotten. They didn't know I had formal, even though I informed them many times over. Even at the pre formal, my parents weren't there. Every single person had their significant other and family members, yet with me, only Denne could find time for me.

Its not an uncommon occurrence. I guess I should get used to it.

I swear on my life, that I'll be there for my kids every step of the way. I'd rather die then let my child feel this lonely and insignificant.

Well, I'm now off for a walk in the city. Yay

I am one messed up child lol. This blog is basicallly my diary, so here I go with the documentation of my retardedness. I have family problems. Even in eaely childhood,  where it wasn't as bad, no one had time for me. My parents were too bisy trying to make money and sustain our family. I don't blame them for not having as much time for me, but I feel as though I never really had then attention I needed. I was always so envious of kids who were at the park with both their mum and dads. I only got to visit to park every now and then with mum. Dad was always too busy at meetings, study or work. I spent a lot of my days watching my mum sow for hours and hours on end in the sowing room downstairs. Most of the time im bored as hell with nothing to do. Those were the days where I listened to every single word my parents said. The days where I was exactly what they wanted me to be. Nowadays, I want to be me and be free. However, its not going well with them. I never went out wih friends until grade 10. Now that I can, I want to do it a lot. I want to experience the world and learn my lessons. I want to sore and explore what the world hasbin stalled for me. Although I now have some freedom, it's not really what ita cut out to be. I still can not be me. I cannot be the person I am because my parents hate it. They won't accept me for who I am and what I love. I can't tell them that I love art and music. I can't tell then that I want to pursue the creative industry. I can't tell them that I've loved tattoos and piercings for all my high school years. I can't be me without being a "rebel". I can't become "me" without being a "degraded child who was influenced by her good for nothong friends". This makes me not only attached to the people that do actually fully accept me for who I am, but it also makes me question why they do when even my parents  can't.

I have anxiety that is pretty bad. Will this happen and will that happen. What if this and what if that. All these questions continually circle my head.

"Will Denne always love me or will he do same thing that happened in the past happen again?"

"Will Denne ever cheat on me?"

"Is Denne going to betray me while at parties like Lan did?"

"Will I succeed in life"

"What if I can't get the grades my parents want?"

"What if my OP is not what my parents want?"

"What do I have to do if my parents don't accept me... I want to be me, but what happens if they won't love me for it...?"

"Is everyone telling me white lies? Are they talking behind my back as much as they talk about their other 'friends'?"

"Why can't I make anyone happy? "

"Why does Denne accept every part of me, even the ugliest sides?"

"Why is he so willing to do anything for me?"

"What if what mum saids is true? What if he really is goig out with me for ___?"

"Will Denne hurt me badly like Lan and Hieu has?"

"Why am I so scared of Denne hurting me?"

Yeah, I'm fucked up in the head lol. These things just go in and out, and most of the times I have no control over them. I freak out when Denne does something that exceeds what he said, and I get scared when he drinks. Although I deal with my emotions better now, it's still not gone. I want to work to a day where I am completely normal and repay Denne for everything that he has done for me.

On top of that, there is horrible insomnia, stress and numerous long durations of depression. Gee iunno anymore