I Have A Lot Of Problems... lol

I am one messed up child lol. This blog is basicallly my diary, so here I go with the documentation of my retardedness. I have family problems. Even in eaely childhood,  where it wasn't as bad, no one had time for me. My parents were too bisy trying to make money and sustain our family. I don't blame them for not having as much time for me, but I feel as though I never really had then attention I needed. I was always so envious of kids who were at the park with both their mum and dads. I only got to visit to park every now and then with mum. Dad was always too busy at meetings, study or work. I spent a lot of my days watching my mum sow for hours and hours on end in the sowing room downstairs. Most of the time im bored as hell with nothing to do. Those were the days where I listened to every single word my parents said. The days where I was exactly what they wanted me to be. Nowadays, I want to be me and be free. However, its not going well with them. I never went out wih friends until grade 10. Now that I can, I want to do it a lot. I want to experience the world and learn my lessons. I want to sore and explore what the world hasbin stalled for me. Although I now have some freedom, it's not really what ita cut out to be. I still can not be me. I cannot be the person I am because my parents hate it. They won't accept me for who I am and what I love. I can't tell them that I love art and music. I can't tell then that I want to pursue the creative industry. I can't tell them that I've loved tattoos and piercings for all my high school years. I can't be me without being a "rebel". I can't become "me" without being a "degraded child who was influenced by her good for nothong friends". This makes me not only attached to the people that do actually fully accept me for who I am, but it also makes me question why they do when even my parents  can't.

I have anxiety that is pretty bad. Will this happen and will that happen. What if this and what if that. All these questions continually circle my head.

"Will Denne always love me or will he do same thing that happened in the past happen again?"

"Will Denne ever cheat on me?"

"Is Denne going to betray me while at parties like Lan did?"

"Will I succeed in life"

"What if I can't get the grades my parents want?"

"What if my OP is not what my parents want?"

"What do I have to do if my parents don't accept me... I want to be me, but what happens if they won't love me for it...?"

"Is everyone telling me white lies? Are they talking behind my back as much as they talk about their other 'friends'?"

"Why can't I make anyone happy? "

"Why does Denne accept every part of me, even the ugliest sides?"

"Why is he so willing to do anything for me?"

"What if what mum saids is true? What if he really is goig out with me for ___?"

"Will Denne hurt me badly like Lan and Hieu has?"

"Why am I so scared of Denne hurting me?"

Yeah, I'm fucked up in the head lol. These things just go in and out, and most of the times I have no control over them. I freak out when Denne does something that exceeds what he said, and I get scared when he drinks. Although I deal with my emotions better now, it's still not gone. I want to work to a day where I am completely normal and repay Denne for everything that he has done for me.

On top of that, there is horrible insomnia, stress and numerous long durations of depression. Gee iunno anymore