I've had an ulcer on the gum under my tooth for about 4 days. I just had a look at it today because it started to hurt more. I found out that the two teeth next to the original ulcer tooth each had its own little buddy. So I went to have a look at reasons why your body gives birth to those bloody horrible things. This is what I got.
stress and anxiety - check
hormonal changes - check
considering the fact I've only been on the pill for a few months
5th day of placebo pil
eating certain foods
coffee - A LOT, check
chocolate - check
strawberries - HEAPS, check
peanuts - check
toothpaste additives (sodium lauryl sulphate) - *looks at toothpaste*... check
If you know me, you know I have a bloody horrible sleeping problem. Most of the times, I lay in bed with relaxing sleep music... then BAM! 3 hours later... STILL AWAKE!
I kinda want to try and implement a new schedule to help me get my shit together. Planning to wake up at the same general time everyday. Ideally, I want to get up at 9am. However, chances are I won't be able to do that straight up. I'm going to give myself to 9.45am to wake up. After waking up, brushing my teeth and all that morning doodad, I'm going to do some for of exercise for a minimum of 20 minutes and then complete my morning routine with a shower.
Now, lets see how long I can last.
"I bet you you won't last very long .-."
(Disclaimer: this is not something that Denne said, its just something that I think he's gonna say. Assumption based on past experiences)
I've been feeling really unmotivated lately. Its kinda shitty waking up in the morning. Well, its hard to even wake up tbh. The alarm on my laptop doesn't wake me up anymore. So I end up waking up late. By the time I get up, I missed a lecture or two. Considering that during weeks 1 and 2, I only have 4 days of university with a maximum of 3 lectures a day, I'm left wondering;
"Should I get up and start getting ready?"
An internal battle starts in my head,
"Ah.. but I gotta do my make up ..."
"Nah its ok, I can do it in 15 mins and leave"
"But I can only make it to one lecture... it takes 1h30mins to get there and back.. I'd be on the bus more than I'd be on campus..."
When I was searching for an image, this one really spoke out to me. Doesn't necessarily reflect on the post.
Its been a few days since we resolved the big fight we have been having. Without going into too much detail about the actual fight itself, I guess I'll just post about the resolve.
Many times, both of us honestly wanted to end it. We kept fighting and getting angry towards why the other is acting the way they are, with minimal efforts being invested in finding out the reason why. It was more:
"why the fuck are you doing this,"
Answer
, "what the absolute fuck?"
Rather than being what it should be. I'm no "pro" at relationships. Heck, I find it hard to control my emotions harder than anything else. Anxiety is a crippling bitch in relationships. I cry easily and I am a person who becomes insecure very easily if you push the right buttons. Yes, the only other relationship I was in, I was in for 3 years. HOWEVER, what I exited that relationship with was fears, insecurities, anxiety, uneasiness towards parties and knowing 'the signs'. Not many things that builds well on myself as a person. I'm not meaning to bash on my ex, its just that that relationship ended horribly and I did not take it very well. Some aspects I was left with, I am still trying to learn to overcome today.
Sometimes I find it hard to overcome things when I can't find any sympathy from my SO. I was angry at him for not being able to show any empathy and for not understanding how I felt. He was angry that I was feeling the way I did and he just couldn't understand why I was so angry. It just kept cycling, and each cycle bought upon more anger and spite towards each other. BOOM, months later, we had a series of fights that made both of us contemplate whether or not this person really was for us.
It boiled up to the point where he shouted, "If I'm hurting you so much, then why do you even stay with me?" I felt as though that was where things took a turn for the best.
"Its because I fucking love you. I've really wanted to just leave you because I feel as though I've lost my importance to you. I just want to leave because it feels as though I prioritize you over everything, when I am only just an option to you. But I stay because I FUCKING love you. I don't know why and it drives me insane. But even through all the hardship, I still express my love for you. I don't know what more I can do to show you that you're everything to me. I do everything for you, I cater to you in every way, whether its getting your favourite types of lingerie to spice things up in bed, or fetching you anything you want and feeding you while you play games. I get you whatever you please, whether its a food that you're craving, or a game that you really want. I only make $10 an hour and I only work 1 day on average, yet I still help you with money problems every since you quit your job. I work whole days, just to get you something for your birthday that I know you would really enjoy. I go anywhere with you, even when I'm not that interested. Just like fishing, I just go because I know its something you love to do. I don't mind just playing around for hours until the early hours of the next day, as long as you're happy and enjoying yourself. What more do I have to do for you, so that you can see how much I do for you.
I said it whilst in a sea of tears, and as I finish, I got out of the car and went towards my door. I'm sure that turn gave him food for thought, as he stayed in my driveway with the car lights on until I went inside and locked the door, rather than speeding off. The next day I asked him why he stayed with me, he replied with:
"I honestly wanted to break it off many times too, but once I let the anger subside, I couldn't find it in myself. I guess my reason why be the same, I just really love you too. You've given me a love that I've lacked most my life (too personal to share this part, its not my place to say why on my blog). You make me so happy and I can't forget how much you mean to me."
It seems as though those two speeches we had really made us both calm down and really reflect. We seemed to appreciate what the other has done more and I realized that I was also taking him for granted to a certain degree. Things got down to a point where both of us were able to sit down in bed together and actually talk. We started off just sitting, and slowly drifted towards laying in bed, tightly wrapped in each others' arms. After two days of talking, we agreed on how to deal with things in the future and how to agrees issues as they come up, rather than leaving them and pretending they didn't happen. We were open to the point where we could even talk about his issue and our intake on it. Things were cleared from both of our sides and heavy loads were taken off.
Turns out that we aren't as good at communicating as we used to be. Money problems have been prevalent for the both of us. I'm trying to support myself without must help from mum (shes already done so much for me, I can't find it in myself to depend on her anymore than I already have) and Denne quit his full time job to start going to university and other crazy things (that I shouldn't mention because its his private life). He became more withdrawn and didn't want to go out because of the money problems and he felt bad for needing to come to me for money.
Honestly, I became quite mad. "Are you serious? Denne, are we in a relationship, or is this thing not serious to you. What am I to you?" "You're my girlfriend|" "Yeah, I'm your girlfriend, your significant other. We are in a relationship Denne. We are sharing a life together, traveling the same road. We go through beautiful sunny days together as much as we do on stormy days. Your happiness is mine and my happiness is yours, just as much as your troubles are mine. We go things together and we do not push the other away. We help each other through no matter what it is."
He was quite for a moment and replied,
"Gomen hun, I'll tell you when something is wrong ok?"
And we proceeded to go through things until there was nothing left to say.
The next day or so, we carried on , trying to rid of the after taste in our mouths. We rassled many times over, rolling around on bed, playing around, only to end up in an embrace. As we face each other, I feel my heart race again. We smile, hug, kiss and ....
yeah, it ends here for tonight. Its 2 am already. Don't mind the typos.
Here's a really good classic. There is more of a modern RnB feel to this cover, but its cool.
Al Green - Let's Stay Together (1971)
I don't know if this is a resolution, or something that is designed to get back at him and show him how it feels to be put into my situation, but...
From here, I will longer change things, or try and change things as they are addressed. I will do as I please so that I won't expect him to act accordingly towards my discomforts and insecurities. Everything that I've done until how, I will not maintain the way I talk to my friends and talk like I always do. Because I am not trying so hard to talk normally(in a way that he says is "flirtatious") to my friends, I won't expect him to do anything towards my discomforts. If he addresses something that makes him feel negatively, I won't address it unless it is worth my time, or if it seems understandable from my point of view.
This is how things have been for me lately, maybe its time that I treat him the same way? Or am I being too childish? Is enduring it the "mature" way of handling this? I feel as though I'm becoming more and more empty inside. Guess I'm going to have to say hello to a good old friend again hey.
I'm a fucking moron when it comes to dating...I feel as though I do things that no one else is willing to do. My SO becomes the number one priority. Whenever jealousy arises, I do everything I possibly can to change it.
Why are you feeling this way? What makes you feel uncomfortable? How can I help this?
What can I do to make you feel more secure? How can I show you that I love you more than anything? I'll do anything to make you happy.
That is all I think about. I hate the feeling of being the the grasps of the green eyed monster. I know how it feels to be hurt by my SO because they don't care about how uncomfortable I feel about something. I instinctively comfort them like a bloody idiot.
Why is it ok for others to completely ignore my insecurities or my discomfort, but it is douchey of me to do so? Why is it ok for my partners to ignore how horrible I am feeling about 1 specific person who has really hurt me when it isn't ok for me to talk normally to acquaintance. Seriously, what the fuck do you want me to do? Its either I ignore how you feel like how you do to me, or I try my best to make it better for you. Am I not meant to give a shit? Or do I compromise?
Acquaintance > SO
Maybe thats the new thing.
I'm probably not made for youth relationships. Nor am I made for human interactions ...
or this world in general.
Recently, I've come to really dislike the presence of a certain someone a lot more than usual. I've been having an internal battle with myself, trying to find myself emotionally and spiritually since I haven't been liking who I am. It feels as though I've been trying to blend in with people, picking up other people's traits (mostly bad so it seems). Trying to fit into society seems like something that is impossible for me to do.
Lately, I've been getting so angry at the fact that people can get away with doing such douchey things. People who talk shit about their apparent "best friends" then turn around and smile like nothing happened, people who cancels last minute because they "cbf" to do something and then give other people shit when they need to cancel because they genuinely needed to do something., people who give people shit for doing something that they themselves do as well, slut shaming without knowing the situation and people who advise someone to give up on an aspect of their life without knowing anything about the situation.
I don't know why I went there, but back on topic. This one person advised my SO to break things off during the period of our relationship where we discover the "not so best side" of each other. (Usually when you start a relationship, you show your best face to increase your chances of being together. Once time passes, everything about yourself start to show. All your bad habits and all of the parts of yourself that is really shitty. You start to finding things that you disagree with and find really hard to compromise). I felt extremely angry about it. This person had nothing to do with the relationship, nor did they have much to do with either my SO or I. This person wasn't really apart of any our lives, and even when we tried to include them in our lives, we either get no replies or an extraordinarily late reply. I was infuriated because she had the audacity to tell someone that it would be best to break up a relationship, without a clue in the world what is happening between the couple.
When I think about it, I guess the fact that I was already having a hard time with the relationship made me start to hate them rather than thinking that they are delusional or pretentious. I feel as though its a irrational hate. Honestly, the only reason I feel that is because I've been unstable. I feel as though I should be more considerate towards the person because they had just gone through a break up of a long term relationship. I can't decide whether or not it is a good enough reason to warrant their actions as "ok". Or maybe I'm just being too sensitive. I probably wouldn't have minded if the person actually understood what was going on, or is someone that one of us dmn with. Its just the fact that they don't know jack shit made me really angry.
I don't know what I wanted from this post. Its probably just me trying to make it feel as though there is someone that understands how it feels or that someone is listening to my problems. But oh well
Another reason for you to think I'm a D-bag (y) yay.
