Its been a few days since we resolved the big fight we have been having. Without going into too much detail about the actual fight itself, I guess I'll just post about the resolve.

 Many times, both of us honestly wanted to end it. We kept fighting and getting angry towards why the other is acting the way they are, with minimal efforts being invested in finding out the reason why. It was more:

"why the fuck are you doing this,"

Answer

, "what the absolute fuck?"

Rather than being what it should be. I'm no "pro" at relationships. Heck, I find it hard to control my emotions harder than anything else. Anxiety is a crippling bitch in relationships. I cry easily and I am a person who becomes insecure very easily if you push the right buttons. Yes, the only other relationship I was in, I was in for 3 years. HOWEVER, what I exited that relationship with was fears, insecurities, anxiety, uneasiness towards parties and knowing 'the signs'. Not many things that builds well on myself as a person. I'm not meaning to bash on my ex, its just that that relationship ended horribly and I did not take it very well. Some aspects I was left with, I am still trying to learn to overcome today. 

Sometimes I find it hard to overcome things when I can't find any sympathy from my SO. I was angry at him for not being able to show any empathy and for not understanding how I felt. He was angry that I was feeling the way I did and he just couldn't understand why I was so angry. It just kept cycling, and each cycle bought upon more anger and spite towards each other. BOOM, months later, we had a series of fights that made both of us contemplate whether or not this person really was for us. 

It boiled up to the point where he shouted, "If I'm hurting  you so much, then why do you even stay with me?" I felt as though that was where things took a turn for the best. 

"Its because I fucking love you. I've really wanted to just leave you because I feel as though I've lost my importance to you. I just want to leave because it feels as though I prioritize you over everything, when I am only just an option to you. But I stay because I FUCKING love you. I don't know why and it drives me insane. But even through all the hardship, I still express my love for you. I don't know what more I can do to show you that you're everything to me. I do everything for you, I cater to you in every way, whether its getting your favourite types of lingerie to spice things up in bed, or fetching you anything you want and feeding you while you play games. I get you whatever you please, whether its a food that you're craving, or a game that you really want. I only make $10 an hour and I only work 1 day on average, yet I still help you with money problems every since you quit your job. I work whole days, just to get you something for your birthday that I know you would really enjoy. I go anywhere with you, even when I'm not that interested. Just like fishing, I just go because I know its something you love to do. I don't mind just playing around for hours until the early hours of the next day, as long as you're happy and enjoying yourself. What more do I have to do for you, so that you can see how much I do for you. 

I said it whilst in a sea of tears, and as I finish, I got out of the car and went towards my door. I'm sure that turn gave him food for thought, as he stayed in my driveway with the car lights on until I went inside and locked the door, rather than speeding off. The next day I asked him why he stayed with me, he replied with:

"I honestly wanted to break it off many times too, but once I let the anger subside, I couldn't find it in myself. I guess my reason why be the same, I just really love you too. You've given me a love that I've lacked most my life (too personal to share this part, its not my place to say why on my blog). You make me so happy and I can't forget how much you mean to me."

It seems as though those two speeches we had really made us both calm down and really reflect. We seemed to appreciate what the other has done more and I realized that I was also taking him for granted to a certain degree. Things got down to a point where both of us were able to sit down in bed together and actually talk. We started off just sitting, and slowly drifted towards laying in bed, tightly wrapped in each others' arms. After two days of talking, we agreed on how to deal with things in the future and how to agrees issues as they come up, rather than leaving them and pretending they didn't happen. We were open to the point where we could even talk about his issue and our intake on it. Things were cleared from both of our sides and heavy loads were taken off.

Turns out that we aren't as good at communicating as we used to be. Money problems have been prevalent for the both of us. I'm trying to support myself without must help from mum (shes already done so much for me, I can't find it in myself to depend on her anymore than I already have) and Denne quit his full time job to start going to university and other crazy things (that I shouldn't mention because its his private life). He became more withdrawn and didn't want to go out because of the money problems and  he felt bad for needing to come to me for money.

Honestly, I became quite mad.
"Are you serious? Denne, are we in a relationship, or is this thing not serious to you. What am I to you?"

"You're my girlfriend|"

"Yeah, I'm your girlfriend, your significant other. We are in a relationship Denne. We are sharing a life together, traveling the same road. We go through beautiful sunny days together as much as we do on stormy days. Your happiness is mine and my happiness is yours, just as much as your troubles are mine. We go things together and we do not push the other away. We help each other through no matter what it is." 

He was quite for a moment and replied,

"Gomen hun, I'll tell you when something is wrong ok?"

And we proceeded to go through things until there was nothing left to say.

The next day or so, we carried on , trying to rid of the after taste in our mouths. We rassled many times over, rolling around on bed, playing around, only to end up in an embrace. As we face each other, I feel my heart race again. We smile, hug, kiss and ....

yeah, it ends here for tonight.  Its 2 am already. Don't mind the typos.

Here's a really good classic. There is more of a modern RnB feel to this cover, but its cool.
Al Green - Let's Stay Together (1971)