Reaching for Clear Skies

I'm reaching for clear skies. The past two years has been nothing put growth. 

Being consumed by my anxiety, I failed 3 out of 4 subjects in my second semester. I steadily increased my grades each semester, trying out and cementing new habits that are healthy for not only my studies, but also my mental health and over all well-being. Four semesters have passed, half a year of actively working with my demons with the help of the person that I love and the people that I admire, I have reached a point where I can be proud of myself. 

Although exams are over, I still find myself still a bit overwhelmed and anxious. Partially, I'm worried about my grade for psychopathology. I wasn't aware that a majority of material is found in the textbook, with about half exclusively from it. the material was very different from what we were introduced to in the lectures. I'm just hoping not to fail that course at this point. I did very very well on all of my 2 dozen assignments except for one were it was about 67%. On the bright side, I will get my first 7 at university this semester. I initially thought I was going to get one 7 and 3 6s, but at this point, I'm worried about that last course. Grade are going to be released in a bit over a week, so the anticipation is getting to me. I'm worried that I won't pass psychopathology, the exam was very hard considering I did not cover the right topics in my weeks worth of revision. Additionally, I'm worried that a bad or failing grade will take a toll on me and the trip I'm taking on 5 days after the release of the results (10th June).

Also, Denne and I have had horrible luck when it comes to anything involving money. Denne forked out over 1k for some personal stuff. Then Mr.Nibbles suddenly got REALLY sick. It turns out, there was a giant hole in the bottom of his tongue. We assume it has been there for a very long time, considering there was necrosis in some areas. He had to get it stitched up, and be on pain medication for a whole week. That costed about 400$ all up. Then Denne probably got a speeding fine, and my samsung s8 dropped and the screen cracked. We have dished out a decent amount of money, even though we are trying so hard to properly save money for this trip. I'm hoping we can get about 3k in spending money, and I'm sure we can do it. But the amount of money we have forked out this last month or two is much more than we would like. 

Although this is all stressing me out quite a lot, reflecting on it has really helped me not reach the point of being overwhelmed. Firstly, I am so very grateful for Denne, as he is honestly taking the brunt of the costs so far. The money for the trip, is split pretty even 50/50, but lately Denne has been forking out most of the money for the vet bill and particularly for food. This was especially true, when I was studying for exams or had heaps of papers due within the same week. I have only been able to work a maximum of two days a week, which fetches me about $180 per week, which makes my spending money a cruddy $80 per week. This has to cover university stuff (ie. bus, food, materials for assignments etc) and everyday spending. My pride doesn't let me accept money from my parents, so Denne has to suffer for it. I'm in credibly thankful for Denne for his support, when I am unable to handle things by myself. He has also been there for my emotionally throughout this semester, which has been a particularly hard one for me to deal with. I have been trying to follow a new routine, which is much more career focused, than anything else. This semester has been much more challenging in regards to work load than any other semester I have every done. I lost count of the amount of academic articles I've read in order to complete the 8 or papers and essays. I haven written around 12000 words, done over a dozen quizzes, did presentation which scared the fuck out of me. I think I have achieved a lot this semester. I couldn't have done it without Denne's support the whole way through.

We had a lot of difficult times, where the both of us were incredibly busy. We didn't have time to see each other throughout the week. I was busy with university, and he was busy with work. But we made sure that both know that we are still thinking of each other. During the past two weeks, I can't help but constantly think of how grateful I am for Denne, and that I truly do love him. I think that since the beginning of this year, I've finally been able to comprehend what it is like to truly love someone. There is just this feeling I just can't put into words, but I know for sure that it has developed beyond the feelings I had for him before this year. I'm looking forward to spending time alone with Denne in Phuket, I think it'd do wonders for our relationship. 

Anywho, at the of the day, I have learnt to look at the ECP MUCH MORE CAREFULLY in order to understand what exactly is assessed in the final exams. Although a large majority of cases, lecture materials are about 80-90% of what is assessed, and the textbooks are just a study aid when you are struggling to keep up or understand the materials presented in the lectures, some courses incorporate a large amount of material from the textbook. This is something that I honestly should have known beforehand, and it's my own damn fault if I fail the psychopathology exam because of it. But all I can do at this point is to learn from it, and do well next time. I also learnt that I cannot expect phones to be as strong as they used to be, and take extra caution with handling it, considering I am the most buttery butter fingers to exist. Last, I have learnt to love and appreciate Denne more for what he does, because he genuinely loves me, and all he wants is for me to be happy and stress free (well... as much as I can be with this anxiety disorder hitching a ride).

I'm tired of being thrown around. I tired of never being in anyone's considerations, when all I ever do is try to consider everyone. I'm tired of demanding to be considered by others who say they love me. I don't want to deal with this anymore. It's always my fault right? 

Asian parents do not make the kindest parents, nor do they make the most considerate and open minded people. My dad is homophobic. Although he doesn't say, "you can't be gay" to random people he doesn't know, he will say some of the most fucked up things about people of the LGBTQ+ (which I am apart of, woooh) community that blows my mind. Things are his way or the highway. Both my parents, are unable to control their emotions. What a surprise I have issues with that. The difference is with them, whenever they feel any type of anger or negative emotion, their child becomes their emotional punching bag. When something is wrong in their day or in their life, they bash on their child, trying to vent out the frustration they feel. They demand respect from you, regardless of how they treat you. 

Their perspective is THE RIGHT perspective. They know best, regardless of their education. They know best, regardless of whatever any expert (who have spent their whole lives in their field) say. They know best, regardless of what decades of literature has said about any topic. They can say the sky is pink, sharks fly, water burns, and dogs hoot, regardless of anything you present them with, because they have 'lived more' and hence 'they know'. Even if you're a doctor, they know more than you, because what you do is 'just theory', and their experience is real.

YOU CANNOT REASON WITH THEM. They are intolerant to anything that does not conform to their biases. Conformation bias is rampant amongst asian parents. 

They get mad at you, for something that happened in that moment, and blame you for always doing it. I haven't played games for weeks on end, concentrating on my studies, and getting good fucking grades at that. I'm most definitely gonna get my first 7 at university this semester. I go to university from Tuesday to Thursday, leaving my house before 9 and coming home around 7pm. I come home, rest while eating dinner and showering, before going back to studying again until 11 or 12pm. I work on Fridays and Saturdays until 3. I rest a bit, nap, have dinner, freshen up, then right back to studying. Sunday is my day off, to spend with denne and to have a bit of a fucking break. Then Monday, I  prepare for the week to start all over again. I just finished 3-4 constant weeks of that, and just finished all my assessments, with the exception of two exams that will happen in 2 weeks. 

Feeling burnt out, I played games yesterday and today. Today, mum called and wanted me to do things. I told her I'd do it after I finish my game. You can't leave in the middle of a DOTA game without getting penalised. Then she hits me with a, "ALL YOU EVER DO IS PLAY GAMES. THATS ALL YOU CARE ABOUT." 

I'm paving a path towards where I want to go. To a future I see for myself, for what I see as success. Success has never been about the prestigious job, the 6 figure salary, or the luxury possessions. Success is happiness, and happiness is attainable without riches. 

 My path will never be straight, it will be full of twists and turns. There will be setbacks, there will be times where I will go backwards, but that is how I will grow and experience the world. I am no longer a child you are able to mold. I'm molding myself into who and what I want to be, and I will never apologise for it. 

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In hindsight, yes I do understand that asian parents generally can only show their love throw acts of service and with financial support. That is how the culture is. Money was a hard thing to make, so they want you have absolutely no trouble with finances at all. Hence the prestigious job, making a shit tonne of money etc. However, they expect too much. I will live a comfortable life in Australia, on the average wage. They are blind sighted by their wish for their child to live an easier life, and forget about everything else. They have this idea of what a person without any financial struggles looks it, and they want you to be like that. Again, every single day, I want to be nothing else other than a better version of who I was yesterday. I will not conform to something I am not. And I will never apologise for that.

When anxiety meets university... man do I struggle. It's not that I struggle with the content itself, I struggle with the fear and the dread I get about every single piece of assessment. Before I got help, I would get overwhelmed with just the thought of being graded and judged on something that I produced. I'd have unattainable standards for myself, whilst feeling dread about all the possible outcomes. No matter what, in my head, I was never good enough. I wasn't good enough for my profession, I was not good enough for parents, I was not good enough to move forward in life... and most importantly, I was not good enough for myself. No matter what mark I get, I'd ask myself why I didn't do better. 

It was probably something I got from my parents. Something that I will never forget for the rest of my life probably is the reason for this mindset. In the first two years of high school, I tried with everything I had to get good grades. I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I wanted to make them happy. I came home with 5 As, and a B+. I was excited to show them how well I did. My dad replied, "Why isn't this one an A?" That was when I stopped trying in high school, and started rebelling from what they wanted of me. Perfect child, perfect grades. Perfect, in their eyes.

I was raised to think that I had to be this, I had to be that. That my value was in the letters printed on those report cards. I had to be better, because without it, I will be overshadowed by others, I won't have a career, and there are life-long consequences. I had to be better than everyone else, for me to have success. 

This molded my mindset so that I was never happy with myself, because I always had these standards for myself that is just plain stupid. I didn't look at my grades as was to learn and improve in the future. Lost points meant that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't amount to anything. 

Although university is hard, now that I am in my third year, and there are so many papers to write in psychology, ever since seeing Dr. Tan, life has been easier. I've learnt to understand myself better, and love myself more. I've learnt to understand my own limits, while working at it slowly to build it up. It's still about being better, and improving yourself in every aspect you can - but, it's without the guild, the blame, the patronizing, and the self hate. Rather, it's about accepting everything with a gentle heart, being compassionate and understanding to myself, and progressive improving at a reasonable pace. 

My grades improved significantly. It went from failing half of my first year courses, to getting mostly 6s and some 5s, within less than a year. Now (this semester), I'm working on managing my work, allowing myself time to go through everything, while maintaining my anxiety every step of the way. It's still a learning process, but I've achieved more in this year than I have ever achieved in my whole life. I've finished assessments many days, even over a week before my due date, compared to submitting it 2 minutes before the submission portal closes. For this semester so far, I've achieved nothing less than 75% on 6 papers, 4 mini exams, and a fuck tonne of quizzes. Yes, I have stumbled, panicked, and had broken down. But I can count it with one hand, with some to spare, so my fight with anxiety is going strong! 

Working towards more steps forward. It doesn't matter how big your steps are. Just take one step at a time, and eventually, you will gain the momentum to stride towards what you deserve in life. What is the point of taking a leap forward, when you end up taking a few steps back anyways? Don't be too hard on yourself. Process is process, no matter how large in size.

"Hustle Bustle, Denne!"

At times, when I see how the people I love treat me when I go through an anxious set or go through a state of heightened emotions, and I think to myself, 'no wonder why there is such a high co-morbidity between anxiety and depression'. You're going through such an intense moment of dread, anxiety, fear and uncertainty, and common responses from others is:

"What is wrong with you?"

"Why do you NEED to do that?"

"What you're feeling is not necessary. You don't need to feel _______."

"You just need to do _________"

"There is no reason you should be feeling ___________"

"What is this feeling going to do for you? Nothing! So why?"

That is the exact reason why people who suffer from anxiety and depression hide in shame. We are taught, whether directly or indirectly, that our feelings are invalid - we should not feel how we feel given the situation. We feel ashamed of our emotional sensitivity, our inability to cope with situations 'like everybody else', and our inability to live up to what our loved ones expect of us. This sense of shame can easily cause one to feel isolated, as though no one understands them, and that no one truly cares to understand. 

A lot of times, people approach these conditions as though it is a choice. Is it really? If anyone could easily choose between being emotionally sensitive to adverse situations, and being emotionally resilient, I'd bet my life that everyone would chose resilience. Who would chose to be easily hurt? Who would chose to dread something so much that every time they encounter it, they withdraw and avoid with everything that they had. Who would chose to be so overwhelmed that they can do nothing but curl up and cry. I understand that these situations may be normal to you, to the average, mentally healthy person. But to the person with an anxiety disorder, these emotions are much more intense then you can even begin to imagine. Everyone has been anxious about something some time in their life, but can you imagine, that fear you feel becoming so intense that in that moment, there is no way out. When you have generalized anxiety disorder, you feel this with so many facets of your life. It affects different people in different ways, in varying degrees of severity - hence, if someone you love has anxiety, you will need to come to understand what are their triggers. 

It may never be something you can understand. The way your loved ones feel when they have an anxiety condition probably will never make sense to you, but that doesn't stop you from being compassionate. Why? Because they mean something to you. Just because you don't understand why they are feeling anxious/overwhelmed, doesn't change the fact that they are still feeling it. 

So why don't you accept that they are feeling it? 

In that moment, they need your support, more than they need your judgement. They need you to help calm them down, and help them feel as though everything is ok, more than they need to you tell them how they should and should not feel in the given situation. Allow them to get out of that moment of intense anxiety or heightened emotions. Once the storm has pasted - feel free to work on the source of the anxiety. You need to understand that you cannot work on these things, as it is happening. To work on anxiety, you need to work on preventative measures. What behaviours can you encourage, so that anxiety doesn't build up? What can they do to work on awareness of an upcoming anxious process, and in turn work on tolerance? And the most important - what can YOU do, to make it easier on them?

Eg. They get a bit antsy about ordering at a restaurant? Don't rush them. Go through the menu together so that it feels less daunting for your loved one. Ask for more time if necessary. If they're feeling gutsy, let them order. Order for them if they feel less confident this time around. It's not the end of the world for you, but for them, it might very well feel like it.
Rush them, question them for why the hell they're taking so long, or why it's so hard to just chose a dish is only going to lead to an unpleasant meal. Maybe not for you, but definitely for them. It's completely unnecessary.

Eg. They're upset about something that happened during their day? Just listen. 

Eg. They're anxious about something going on at work. Just listen. If they ask for advice, then go ahead and discuss.

Especially within the confines of a relationship, one must be understanding and compassionate towards their partner. If you have a partner with anxiety, then you're living with anxiety alongside them. You are walking alongside them through their journey with mental health. You can chose to either walk hand-in-hand or not. But they sure for hell cannot chose the disorder. 

Approach with:

Patience - Anxiety will only heighten when rushed. Allow them the time they need to recover. It will probably be much longer than the time it takes for you to recover, but this is about them, not you. 

Compassion - You will probably never be able to fully comprehend how they feel because you are not experiencing it first hand, but that does not stop you from trying to put yourself in their shoes. You are very fortunate to not have to personally suffer the condition that your loved one has to live with. So you truly love them, you would treat them with compassion.

Accommodating Behaviours - Make up for what they are unable to do. Again, it is highly likely the things that they are anxious about cause no emotional strain on you. It is highly likely that that thing is 'normal' to you and does not bother you to the slightest. So why not make up for their downfalls? It doesn't effect you, but it causes suffering for them. Why make them do it, especially when they are feeling vulnerable. Yes, allow for situations to work on it, but accommodate for them when they cannot. 

Remove:

Questioning and Judgement - no matter how much you question or judge your loved one, their anxiety will not change. Actually, it probably will. You will most likely make their experiences much worse.

Invalidation of their experiences - just because you cannot understand their feelings, doesn't mean they are not experiencing it. It especially does not mean that what they are feeling are invalid. To think so is very selfish, coming from the person who does not need to go through it every day of their lives. 

Having to live life with an anxiety condition is more than enough on their plate. You, being someone who is dear to them, do not need add more to their suffering.