Although life has thrown so many things towards me, it had really given me a lot of little things that makes my life worth while. Although I've been so scarred and so hurt, in the end I get the support that I have today. Although I've had my heart broken continually in the past by the same person, I  now have something special... along with a bit more knowledge added to my tool box. I can now be happy without having to sacrifice the happiness of my significant other, and make him happy without sacrificing mine. You really do have to learn on your own. The more you fall off your feet, the more you will learn how to get up and how to keep from falling.

When you fuck up bad so many times, shit only goes two ways. You be stubborn about it and be a little bitch about it, holding grudges and being stuck in the past, or you take it as a life lesson and continue moving forward. I'm so thankful to my grandmother who taught me not to hold grudges. Life is never a fairy tail right? Why pretend it is and ignore what it really is? There's going to be up and downs, whether its career wise, study wise or relationships wise. So just take life as the roller coaster it is. Holding grudges and creating dramas because it wasn't the fairy tail you wished for, then you're just going to be stuck in the past while the other continues to move on and your existence increasingly becomes insignificant. Things happen and things hurt, however, but don't be so childish about it... pride-fullness has a limit. I learnt that these holidays.

My family has gotten a bit better now thanks to the restaurant, we have spent a lot of time together as a family, working towards our business. Mum improving the recipes of the traditional soups and noodles, dad working towards the coffee making and the general appearance and appeal of the place and with me managing and training the workers, catering to the customers, and drawing in regular customers. I had a day where I just felt so unappreciated by everyone. I held up the restaurant in the first few days because I was the only one that knows how this certain restaurant runs. I worked there for 3 months and I knew how things needed to be done. However, no one listened to what I had to say because I was still a "child" in their eyes. We lost so many customers because everyone ignored me when I told then what they needed to do. The second they listened, the second things become more orderly and less hectic. I lost my shit when my dad started blaming me for things that I actually did do right. I just walked out in the middle of rush hour. I never asked for any money while I was working for my family, because they are family. They are my parents and I have lived off them for years. All I asked for was for just a tiny bit of appreciation that I was working 8-5 every single day to help push up this business.

After a few days of letting loose, I finally picked up my balls. I stopped being a little bitch with so much pride. Yeah I hated my dad for the things he did to be during a period of my life. Those things clouded how hard he worked in order to support me while I grew up. We were extremely poor. Our whole family lived under one roof. Grandma, Grandpa, My parents, and my other 3 aunty and uncles along with their wives and husbands and either kids. Every family had a room to themselves and that was it. Dad worked so hard in order to keep us together, so did mum. She worked two jobs, one was sowing clothes at home and the other was a fruit factory. Honestly think about it... 20 or less of each part she sows. Dad when to high school, then uni and work. Grandpa was always fixing the house. There was always something wrong with it. Most of my memories was with grandpa in the back helping him carry a little piece of wood or a small tool while grandma and mum was in the sowing room that we built, making piles and piles of clothes.

Back on track. All the times he lost his head towards me so badly clouded the times that hes spent with me. The times where he was obviously proud of me. Its just the type of person he is like, he hides his feelings. He sure can make it seem as though he doesn't care, but there has been so many little hints that shows he does. The times where I fall asleep in the car or on the sofa watching TV with him, rather than waking me up, he carries me to bed and tucks me in. The times that he pats my head after I get amazing grades or achievements rather than saying a word. The times where he continually walks into my room and check up on me while I'm sick. The times where he sat there in hospital with me with my illness until 2-3 in the morning, even though he leaves for work at 5 am. That day where he skipped out on work, just to sit there with me in kindergarten because I was terrified of not being with my family.

After thinking through these things so many times, I just felt like a little mother fucker. The next day I went to work, helped them out again. I put them through so much shit, as much as they have put me through. We have been continually hurting each other back and forward. I'm just like my old man in a sense, we are both prideful as fuck, and more stubborn than anything. For once, I put my pride to the side and received the same thing back from dad that day. Since then, every day after work, our family sits together at the table and eats together. Talking back to each other and putting food into each others' bowls. No one really understands how happy it actually made me. My little brother also runs to me, hugs me and greets me now. Its like, holly shit... where did all of this come from.

Like I said in a recent post. "Its spring, time for a new beginning, a new routine, a new life style." This spring, I had a goal  of improving myself as a person overall. To be happier and to bring happiness to more people. I can honestly say that I've slowly working towards that. There is some noticeable progression. Although they may only be baby steps, I hope they can take me to a place where both I and my family can be happy. I'm working to find the equilibrium, where I can enjoy my life and be who I truly am and want to be without hurting my parents in the process.

Finally letting go of a bit of my pride has done so much for me. I hope that every one else can see that too. When I stopped holding grudges and finally went, "I'm sorry for the things I have done to you and the way I treated you," life has been getting better and better.

_________________

I know that if I say this people might think, "oh you're not over him" lalala and all. But I sincerely hope that Lan can actually learn this soon too. A few months ago, I finally let go of him because I could see what I did wrong in the relationship. I no longer blamed him for the downfall of the relationship and my broken heart. We both had fault, we both hurt each other so badly, but what mattered is that we shared such a long time together... happy. From the broken heart, Ive changed my ways. I've learnt life lessons that have served my current relationships so damn well. Lan was a massive part of my life, even when he is not around anymore, he has still effected my life in a manor in which I am now so grateful for. I no longer hate him so much for leaving me. I honestly can say that if he would actually sit down and talk to me (which he won't because he is still holding a grudge against me saying that I somehow screwed him over), I would break into tears and cry, saying "I'm sorry for what I did,but thank you so fucking much for creating a chance for me to achieve what I have achieved today. Thank you for giving me a chance to find this man that I love so much and thank you for leaving me lessons to learn in order to treat hm right," I will always see Lan as an old friend. Without any bitterness, I would wish him all the luck in the world in finding happiness as I have.

People will always come in and out of your life, there is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is how you perceive the people that leave. Rather than taking them as assholes who screwed you over, take it as a lesson. Its just another thing in your tool box in how to not hurt other people and yourself. Life is like a highway, there are always entrees and exits, you may block one exit, but you can never block them all.

I was reading this manga to help me fall asleep since I've been finding it difficult to sleep again, and it reminded me of what my boyfriend once said to me. I now wear the necklace no matter where I go. I cant believe that he would spend over 300 dollars on a necklace for me... that's just crazy... I can't help but smile like a retard every single time I at the necklace.

Its spring, a time for a new beginning. A new routine, a new lifestyle. 

I'm no expert at relationships, not at all lol. Its just I've experienced enough to understand that not relationships can really last unless there is communication. Don't think that you're being selfish when you voice your opinions and all. Me and Denne always have time where we just talk about things, just sitting down or laying in bed in each others arms, talking about things. There are things that should be addressed in the beginning of a relationship. If he or she really does love you, then they would compromised with you so that both parties can be happy. You would do the same too. For example, if you open up to him/her and she gives you attitude for it, if you don't say shit about it, you're going to end up tolerating the shit. Once your relationship becomes a relationship where both parties are tolerating each other, shit ain't going to last.

Guys and girls are so fucking different, we intemperate shit in different ways and deal with pain in different ways. The only way that shit can happen is if you actually have decent communication. 

Like seriously.. would you rather end things early, knowing that he/she is the wrong one for you, rather than getting heartbroken or breaking someones heart somewhere long down the line, thinking that they are the one... Like common, don't bullshit me. Just common sense really. If some guy that treat you in a way that you don't deserve to be treated, and if he isn't willing to compromise (note you will have to too) then why the fuck are you with him!?!?!?! This works the other way around too. If she gets under your fucking skin, and when you address things in a nice calm way, trying to improve the relationship and what not, and she doesn't give a shit... WTF ARE YOU DOING IN THE RELATIONSHIP.  like what the fucking fuck people, and you wonder why the fuck you end up unhappy or heartbroken.

~~~

Side story 

There are other things that makes me what the fuck too when it comes to relationships. These things usually happens in like late teen relationships.

1. Hiding shit from each other

I understand that everybody has their rights when it comes to privacy and all, but how do you expect your significant other to not begin to have suspicions. How do you expect there not to be at least an argument, when you are GOING out of your way to hide your phone and ipod or whatever device it is. I know that your significant other shouldn't be checking your phone like an insecure mother fucker, but if they ask and you have nothing to hide... WHY MAKE A FUSS OUT OF IT... what do you expect... god damn girl/dude ... think about it.

2. Trying to be the "cutest couple"

... Simply... get over yourself. If you really got to try that hard to look cute as a couple and get compliments.. then I'm sorry but you ain't a cute couple. I understand that you want people to see that you're a couple, but common... what are you 12 years old? When you're with friends, don't stick together as though you are super glued, give each other space to breathe at least.Why do you even care so much about being a cute couple though? Honestly, NO ONE REALLY GIVES A SINGLE FUCK. Like holly shit man. Get over it, you're a couple, cool. You're sharing that part of your life together, so are a million other couples out there. Like oh lord.

Attachment, something that can give you the most amazing feelings whilst being just fucking scary. my boyfriend and I are currently finding ourselves in situations where we think "Holly shit I really am attached to this guy/chick" . We want to spend so much time together, yet no real amount of time that we have spent together is enough. It feels as though we both would never be satisfied unless we actually live together. Honestly I'm really looking forward to that day. I remember mum even mentioning something like, "You can use this house to live in with your husband in the future. Then we can live on the same land and I can help you whenever you need." Its really nice that mum would mention letting me live in our rent house. 

Anywho, there are so many situations that makes me so happy. Like today, we found out that we wont be able to see each other much throughout the next few months. I found a reason to be able to go out with him for an hour, and it seems that I wasn't the only one that was really unhappy about it. He usually doesn't really show as much PDA in public as he would when it is just us, but today at sunnybank, he just picked me up and slowly stun me around. It was so cute honestly. His expression when I was laugh and giggling was just adorable. When in car rides, he usually always grabs my hand and we would talk about the most random shit the whole way, but today, he rubbed my legs like cray whilst holding my hand. When he parked in front of my house, the more kisses I gave him, the more the smiled. Like, holly shit, his expressions make me happy as fuck. To see him happy gives me the fucking butterflies... what am I? A fucking twelvie? .-. 

When we got home and started to continue talking on skype, he said the most sweetest things. I was honestly so close to happy crying .-. The things he said was so damn simple, yet it was so sweet, and it made me so unbelievably happy.

"Hey hun, I miss you already"

"I really wish I could stop time. Even if I stopped time for 100 years, I'd spend every moment of it by your side. We could do everything together, or even nothing at all. As long as I'm with you. And since time stops, that means food wouldn't rot... so we could like, go into people's houses and take the food." 

Lol he can be so damn random. I don't know how he links things like that, but its so damn cute xD

"Hey hun, you know, I kept rubbing your leg in the car today and doing what I did because I don't know when the next time I can touch you would be. No like, I don't mean it like that... Hun you know what I mean. .... I really regret it now... I really should have held you longer, hugged you more and all."

Its cute when he doesn't know how to explain something right and it comes out totally wrong xD

"Mum I really wish I can spend a whole day with you doing absolutely nothing"

Me - "I already do that with you every weekend hun ^^"

"No like, I mean all day. Falling sleep with you and all"

Yeah, honestly I really am scared of the next few months. I'm used to being able to spend every single day with my significant other. I have been doing that recently with Denne as we have found our way to each others house every day, but now that my family opened a restaurant, things are going to be different. Both my parents are quitting their jobs to open this restaurant so that means that I will be spending my time working there, and studying. Time with Denne? ... DOOOOOWWWWWNNNNN... Sigh. Really upset honestly, and really anxious. I'm going to miss him like crazy... I already do lol.. Lets hope things go smoothly. I think both me and him would go a tad bit cray from not seeing each other. Sigh...

~~~~~

Heres something really cute that he said to me once. I smile every time I remember it.

We were spooning on my bed in the morning. He was hugging me and tightening every here and there. Sniffing me and shoving his face into my neck. 

"I really wish it was like this every morning, waking up to you and smelling your scent every morning... but you have to deal with the boner though"

AHAHAHAH, its so fucking cute! "You gotta deal with the boner though" LOLOLOLOL I swear the shit he saids makes me piss myself laughing so damn hard

I Love you Hun <3

What attracted me to him? Honestly, it's quite hard to point out exactly what it was, it was more of a rapid/slow realization. When I say this, I kinda mean like.. well the best way to explain it is... ok, basically I'm the type that meets a dude and I click instantly at that moment. However for Denne it was more of a "holly shit, I don't know when... but I think I like this guy".

  He was just like any other normal guy. He didn't try to get close to be, he didn't try to spoil me  and try to get at me, or get in my plans like a few that were in my life at the time did. He was just some dude that I met, some dude that was just there. Someone that existed. Pretty common thing for me as I did not really try to be close or really create any type of relationship with people during that period of my life. It was all just about me, and whoever wanted a portion of my time. I was basically like "If you want to go out somewhere with me, ask and I'll accept if I have the money". It wasn't that bad to be honest, because I got to experience a lot of things. The only bad thing I'd say was the part where people thought I was easy .-. but oh well, fuck them. It's obvious that I wasn't so meh. Any who, back on topic. What do I love about this cuddle teddy bear who seems to always put off the grizzly bear image? I guess I'll talk about what made me interested in him to begin with first.

Well first I guess would be how he approached me

Le Approach 

A large majority of guys approached me with flirtatious type of thing, however, Denne was different. He just talked to me and was really chill. A normal fucking human being. He asked me things, he opened up to me whilst I opened up to him. It was really nice, something about him just made me really trust in him straight up (even though I basically had nothing left when it comes to trusting someone new).

After meeting for the first time, he added me on facebook, talked to me until late as hell. Thought he was pretty interesting. He gave off such a "I don't want to have shit to do with you" type of feeling towards nearly everyone that he didn't know. The whole, "I'm in another world" package. But I saw little glimpses of what type of person he could really be during the times that he cracked a bit. I'm naturally really curious, so the two different types of personalities really got me interested. I thought "maybe theres something else to this guy, maybe he could be as broken as I am." and because of that I wanted to see what was up. 

Mr "I Like to Contradict Myself"

Denne, you know what I am talking about. He gave me so many mixed message... First it was pushing me away. Honestly I understood why, his high school friend was chasing after me. But what really tugged at my heart was what he said whilst at Hieu's place and  drinking a lot. 

"Kitty, please don't leave me. I promise that I won't be like the other guys that became close to you. I won't fall for you, then abandon you because you don't like me." 

I was like  

"Fuck, where did that come from o-o holly shit, just a second ago you just said that you wouldn't talk to be for 2 weeks because I keep asking if you're ok"

Yeah, after about a week, it seemed as thought he was trying to fight against his will to do something, and I wanted to find out what it was. As things commenced, and as he continually contradicted himself, I began to become more and more interested in him.

I Wanted Him to be Happy

He always seemed so down or out of it, and there seemed to always be something that he wanted that was out of reach. It wasn't an item thing, it was something deeper than that, but something was definitely keeping  or taking potential happiness away from him. 

Breaking the Bro-Code : Being Truthful

The reason behind him avoiding me like crazy was because his friend was chasing after me. He, being the retard he is, even tried to help his friend to get my affection back. He tried to talk me through things, convincing me and reasoning with me why his friend would make a good boyfriend and what not, whilst his own feelings for me were starting to develop. It just made me think "holly shit... this guy is so kind hearted that he is just retarded as fuck..." 

 I know some people think hes an asshole for going out with me, and think I'm a slut for "moving on to Denne so fast" but fuck you people. I lost feelings for the guy a while before I got with Denne, I made it clear that the most we could be was best friends. What happened already happened, the damage was already done and nothing would have been able to refill the crack that was left.

Once Denne found more things out, he started to be more open about his feelings, hinting more and all. The thing is, he didn't want to do anything to make people unhappy. He is the type that wants everyone in the story to be happy. However, he eventually said, "I think I'm starting to like _______"  and that is where things started. 

At this time, Magpoll, Hazzlenut and Corn liked me. Denne didn't want to do anything because Hazzlenut liked me. Corn was scared to ask or say anything, he hinted alot though. Magpoll didn't want to do anything because he was scared of being rejected again like what happened in grade 8, not to mention he already knew that Corn liked me and was about to ask me to formal and all too. So Magpoll didn't want to break that "bro-code". 

Since there was already an interest for Denne, not to mention some type of growing spark, the fact that he would break the code really made me think "wow.. this guy is serious... he isn't kidding". Him risking everything just to have a chance to chase me made me just kind of die a bit inside. I guess that there is what really got me to start falling for him.

Honestly I didn't want a relationship anytime soon. To a certain point I was independent, and finally, my happiness was not reliant on one person's presence. I was going out constantly. I was partying and enjoying myself being free to do whatever I wanted. No restrictions, not being held back, and no chances of being hurt a lot. But Denne really effect me in such a strong way that I just put my past in the junkyard. I gave it a chance. I risked whatever I had left of me, and I invested it in him. I was  basically like "If I get fucked over again, that's it, no more trying to be the better one and trying cater to a guy. Fuck relationships and fuck loyalty if being fucked over constantly is what it will bring".  I have to admit though, the first month did hurt a bit because of how different our outside personalities were, but afterwards things have been magical! After things have been cleared up and we were on the same ground, we have never been happier!

I am a very retarded child. I care a lot about people that (according to other people) I shouldn't care about. This post is dedicated to someone who was once my world and the only thing I knew existed.

Dear _____________,

(its obvious who it is)

This is like an apology and a "Thank you for changing my life so drastically and allowing the blessings I have now to begin" all in one. 

First is the apology- I'm extremely sorry of how I hurt you. I apologize for the stupid things I did and the stupid things I said. I'm sorry for restricting you due to my fear of being betrayed. I'm sorry that I was a horrible girlfriend and that I made so many mistakes that you couldn't handle it anymore. I know that you're a sweetheart and that you treasure the person you call your girlfriend like no one else in the world. However, along the path we both took together, we both did horrible things for each other and I am willing to apologize for all my wrongs. Also, mostly, I'm sorry about the things I said to a guy that was seeing your current girlfriend before you guys got together. No excuses needed, just a massive dick move. I was trying to stop a friend from doing something stupid, but apparently that doesn't matter.

However, I must say thank you for breaking my heart.

No disrespect or sarcasm. Thank you for leaving me so many valuable lessons to learn, I've taken every single one and now I have applied it to my life. Thanks to that, I've never been happier. Don't think that the love I had for you was nothing, just because I started dating someone new 3 or so months after the break up. My love for you was all I knew of for those 3 years. It's obvious that its true because I still care for your happiness and worry for your family even now. You know me, when I click with someone, I don't let it slide. I had many chances before Denne trust me, at least 7 or 8, but because you destroyed every bit of my heart, I didn't care at all. Denne was a different story though. 

Anywho back on topic. You breaking my heart was the biggest change I have ever experienced. I went through weeks of crying day and night, weeks of building myself up and months of partying and going out. Whereas you only seemed to be partying and enjoying yourself the whole time. Although you put me through hell for months, it became something that I would never change. Thank you for breaking my heart, and letting me find the man I have in my life today. 

Now that I'm with this man, I'm so happy. I've so happy that I cried in his arms... BECAUSE I'M HAPPY. I only ever did that with you during the last few months together. But this guy... made ME... HAPPY CRY! That's crazy! AND TWICE TOO!! Although I can't say we are very similar and very different at the same time, but the thing that brings us together and that makes us happy is that we are both retarded as fuck. And because both me and him are retarded, we  beeeee retarded together! I can be whoever the fuck I am in front of him and so can he, and we both don't give a shit how retarded things can get. We have never hid anything from each other, whether is a weird interest or just something downright creepy. He has spent crazy amounts of me, even though I hate being bought gifts. Yeah we had arguments over certain issues, but thanks to my experience with you, they have all ended on the spot. 

Thanks to the 3 years I've been with you, I've become more confident in myself. I've become more open, more accepting and understanding of how men are women are fucking polar opposites. Thanks to you, I know how to cater to my man in any way possible. I've improved on so many aspects that its fucking insane. I can blow his mind with everything I do for him, and it makes me so happy. 

Fuck just thinking of all I've gone through with him in these last 3 months is getting me close to happy crying again .-. Fuck me dead, hahas. 

Anywho, long story short. By you deciding to split the road we walked together, I have found my little piece of heaven. Even though I am driven almost completely insane with school, tutoring, family financial situation and everything every single day, I still am so happy. I have experienced the most amazing things with Denne and I am so grateful for everything that happened.

I honestly wish you happiness in the future, where ever you are. No matter what happens from here on, you will always be my high school sweetheart. I wish that you find the happiness that I have found for myself. Good luck in life my old friend, hope to see you sometime again in the future, happy! ^~^

P.S. I have tried to talk about my boyfriend in this post as little as possible... Its obvious that didn't work out did it... =D oops

With Love From

   Lien <3

Girls are weird creatures. Every time I meet a new girl, gee I got to admit, I get excited to see  what type of person the girl is. Every girl has an image that is given by everyone, an image that she gives herself and what she really is. What I'm trying to say is that like... um. Here, how about an example. This girl I know, that I have been talking to on a day to day basis was once someone who I honestly avoided. A lot of people around me kept commenting how much of a slut she is and what she does at parties. But when I got to know her, shes a sweet girl. Easy going, easy to get along with, straight forward as shit. These things I like. Not to mention her body is nice. Thin waste, legs and all. Nice and toned. Her ass isn't bad either. 

Another example could be this other girl I met through Hieu. When I first met her I thought she was pretty chill and all. But after about a dozen times, I realize how she keeps trying to shove the fact that she is a model down everyone's throat. The second time I encountered her was at Sunnybank. Her outfit was a bit weird as she had a plain one piece swim suit on, with jeans and heels. She was walking as though she was on the catwalk. Everyone was turning heads and I assumed that everyone thought she was pretty. However, when you take a look at everyone's faces, their expression ranged from "Wtf" to eye rolls to "Ughh". Don't get me wrong hey, I'm not jealous of her. I know that I'm not model material no matter how much makeup I put on. She's tall and she doesn't look that bad, but just not really my type. I guess it kinda irritates me when she tells the ridiculous stories to everyone, because every time I hear it from someone else, there's always something different. It just gets under my skin when people bullshit and lie just to make themselves look better. Just be yourself god dammit. 

After meeting her Hieu tells me that she is a aspiring model and she teaches little kids how to swim as a part time job. That made me admire her because shes doing a good thing helping little kiddies learn swimming skills so they don't end up doggie paddling like me .-. However at school a month or so later, when my girls asked me how to lose weight, her name was brought up and the story was different. Carmen said that she told Carmen that she WAS A MODEL and also a PT. These things just makes me what the fuck. Iunno hey. I don't even know what I am getting at. Well at least after this blog, I realize that I like straight forward girls that can be themselves  rather than girls who slightly twist stories. Either way, Girls can be so fucking akfjhgkjnfvdfsg. With their soft lips, soft skin, long hair... not to mention the boobies too lol. 

Iunno what the fuck I'm talking about anymore so I'll leave it here. 

PS. The second girl I am talking about, I don't hate her, nor do I dislike her. Its just she has caught my attention in a not so good way. But I don't mind her as much at all. I just hope that she doesn't continue with the things she does for so long. So many people have told me how thirsty she is and its getting OLD. People.. I don't give a shit if she is thirsty or not, get the fuck out of my ears about this topic.