2016, for me, has been a year full of struggles and huge loses.

In May, I lost Bolt. I miss him so much words cannot explain. I still cry about it to this day, and honestly, deep down, there is still resentment towards Denne for what had happened. Walking through pet stores, I would see things that he used to love, I would see the huge bags of food that we bought monthly for him to eat, I would see new toys and joke to myself how quickly he would have destroyed it if we bought it for him. I just want my little boy back. I regret not being able to do anything to stop it from happening. I regret allowing things to get to the point it did. I miss the unique texture of his snow white fur. I miss how he would get so excited to see he that he would run laps around the house. I miss his stupid face... when he sat there waiting for food as I was cooking, but at the same time trying to contain himself to not wolfing down everything he can get in his mouth. I miss his derpy smiling face. I miss the dog park trips, where we would spend time.... before it became a chore. I miss him so much.

In August, I lost my maternal Grandfather. I had a difficult time, not only with trying to come to terms with it, but also with the doubt in regards to how genuine my reaction was towards his death. Before grandpa began to display Parkinson's symptoms, I remember that we would call Vietnam on a weekly or bi-weekly basis and I would talk to my grandparents. I remember that I was always excited to visit and I would always want to play with them. The symptoms began to show when I was very young, in my early years of primary education. I couldn't understand what was going on, but now that I look back, it was obvious that as his symptoms worsen, so did his mental state. Looking back, I remember hearing him saying how much he wanted to die. I remember him rising his voice and saying, "just let me die already!" As a kid, I couldn't understand, and rather than trying to understand and I just drifted apart from him. It was to the point where all I do is silently watch him or hold his hands while he was asleep. I felt as though I didn't have the right to be so hurt or to even cry. I didn't physically care for him, nor did I spend much time with him as his disease progressed. I didn't even rush my passport in time in order to attend his funeral. I kept saying, "I'll do it next week where I am not as busy." We then got the call that he had passed, during the week that I said I didn't have time to do it. Truthfully, if I did absolutely everything in my power to get that passport done, I would have just made it on time. I regret it. I regret not saying goodbye the last time I left Vietnam. He was asleep, and if we had woken him up to say that we are leaving, he would have cried for long after we had already left. I regret it with all my heart... and probably will for the rest of my life. 

In October, I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Though it may be a hereditary thing, I was told that the possible trigger/start to it was my parents and the pressures that my parents had exerted on me and the high standards they set. I still struggle with it, and my parents have yet to come to understand why.

Most of the beginning of the year, my relationship with Denne suffered. It really hit it's lowest when we lost Bolt. We fought a lot. I cried a lot. He didn't care for anything other than games and chilling together, and I wanted more than that from him. I was having the most difficult time with what I now know is anxiety. I didn't know if the path I had chosen to take in uni was going to work out for me. I didn't know if my relationship would work out, as were in incredibly different parts of out life. I was struggling to keep my head afloat, trying to work towards a future while he was content with looking no further than the current moment. I cannot sum up everything in a blog, but it was one of the most difficult years I've had. 

But as I sit and reflect on the year, I have accomplished more than I thought I would.

I have improved vastly on my cooking skills, and I'm now able to consistently provide Denne with meals to eat. My mental state has improved and anxiety has the tiniest bit less of a grip on me. My procrastination, though it is not gone, has improved significantly. My grades, most of all, has improved. This year, 2 subjects I achieved 5s, and 3 subjects I achieved 6s. Though I had to drop courses due to my inability to cope with the events in the later half of the year, I was able to still get that one subject in and get a 6 (though I was really close to getting a 7 and I should have studied more for it - ah no, I shouldn't be thinking like that, yay GAD). I was able to rescue a bat shit scared Moustache Parrot, and through many bites, many training sessions and a lot of bloody time, I was able to tame Momo and get him back to the companion bird he should have been. Denne and I was also able to rescue a 8 and a half year old cat. He was left behind when he previous owner left for America. We (I) named him Mr.Nibbles. It's incredible how much Mr.Nibbles LOVES his dry food. We feed our cats a grain free diet, so it's around 50% crude protein and mostly meat based products. I assume Mr.Nibbles didn't have that with his old owner since Mr.Nibbles ate it as if it was pure chicken.

There is also a lot of things I am grateful for. 

I am grateful to Dr.Bennett who was the start to my journey of improving my mental health. He let me go at my own pace, and never pushed me to do anything. 

I am grateful for Dr.Tan. I know it's his job, but I couldn't have asked for anyone better. "When you work in the psychology field, you learn to accept your mental/psychological quirks."

I am grateful for Stu, who was incredibly patient with me and driving. It has been about a month since I passed my P's test, and I miss the cruises I had with him. Even without knowing of my anxiety disorder, he worked with me and cared for nothing more than my safety and my self-confidence. I believe in him as a teacher so much that I have referred him to 5 other people so far. I couldn't have done it without him. 

I am grateful for my paternal grandparents. Grandpa for always being there smiling like the goofball he is, and Grandma for always giving me insight on my life. She is a little walking basin of compassion and enlightenment. I've been progressively visiting them more as the year went on, and now I see them about once every other week. 

I am grateful for Denne, Grandma and Chu Thinh for accepting my GAD, regardless of how much they are able to understand it. 

I am grateful for my parents for letting me live rent and bill free. I am grateful that they support me financially when I really need it; for the tablet that made university much easier for me, for the car they are adamant on buying for me, for the money for university fees or textbook that I can't afford myself. 

What I am most grateful for is Denne's improvement. I don't want to get too into it, but Denne has changed a lot within the last few months. I has achieved things he had been moaning about for years.  He now looks more into the future, striving to improve in all aspects. 

I don't even know what I am rambling on about anymore. I had a set of things I wanted to talk about, but my mind just wondered off. Welp, Happy New Year. 

Within the last 2 or so weeks, I've been hit my this feeling that I don't quite know how to explain. Sometimes I have random bouts of intense negativity (yes, I'm avoiding the word depression). I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping as my mind won't stop wondering around. I'm starting to rely more on having sounds in the back ground. I will turn something on to 'watch', with complete disregard for what it is. I just want something else to drown out the voices in my head, telling me everything that I don't want to hear. 

I've been feeling bouts of loneliness, as though no one truly understands me, and as though no one really cares to. My anxiety tells me that I'm never good enough, because its me who is always needing to change and 'be better' while everyone else is ok to be them.

I've been feeling bouts of self doubt. Am I really on the road to success, when friends I went to school with are moving on with their life, while I'm still stuck halfway through university? They finished university, some even going out into the world with a new job, that they earned with their new degree. Yet I'm here, at home, unable to get myself to progress through studies because of my crippling fear of failure, because of my GAD. I believe I have the potential to do very well at university, but it feels like I'm letting myself down... just by being me.

I've been feeling frequent bouts of low self-esteem, especially in regards to body image. Don't even get me started about this one. It would take a long time to even scratch the surface. I noticed that I have been eating much less these days, though it isn't something I do consciously. I have days where I eat a small rice bowl sized meal after midday, and a normal meal later at night. The heat doesn't help either. I drink much more water, but it often leads to bloating and further body image issues. 

Ive been waking up past midday, unless I have work that day. I fill the void with whatever is putting me down that particular day. If I'm feeling lonely, I indulge in romance manga. If I'm feeling a lack of mental stimulation, I go ready random articles or ready guides of how to play Dota heros. I study particular heros more than I've studied at home for uni all semester.

A few days after these feelings manifested, I started my period. Naturally, I assumed it was the hormones. 2 weeks later, I think it's safe to say that it isnt. On the outside, people think I'm just being dramatic, but deep down, there isn't anything that is more real than these feelings. 

I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. It's 3am. Its a cluster fucl of thoughts on one page.

After my children are grown and have their own stuff to do, my dream is to foster, rescue and rehabilitate animals who had a crappy start in life because of some asshole hooman. 

I had a period of time where I stopped giving a shit - well, at least that was what I wanted to believe at the time. I met a lot of people and had a lot of interaction with a lot of different people. Now, truth be told, I try to avoid it as much as I can. What I fear are people's intentions. When I talk to people, I want to talk to them and I am interested in who they are and what they have to say. I guess that was why I'm attracted to psychology, because people make me curious. I like to know about people, learn of their upbringing, their culture and how that has influenced how they are now. I like learning new things and gaining new perspectives. 

I feel as though because of how self-aware I am, I have come to fear people's intentions. The first semester of university, I really wanted to meet people and diversify my view of the world. It wasn't difficult for me to make friends. Most where guys. They would approach me in lectures, become acquaintances through group activities/being in the same tutorial class, or I would say 'hi' and we would start talking. But the second we exchange our facebooks and they see that I am in a relationship, suddenly I don't exist. I ended up with three people who I talked to semi-regularly. One quickly became busy with their own friends and we stopped talking very quickly, the other got a girlfriend and disappeared, but the time he came around, he had his own group of friends. The last one... well, we just can't find time to hang. Anytime I want to hang with him, it would involve taking an almost 1 hour trip to the city and then go back. Most of my days are now full with work, university or going to see Dr.Tan. The only real day I have off is the only day of the week Denne has off too. So yay.

Reflecting on it, it's kinda pathetic how I try and guard myself from social interactions. I distance myself to others at university. I don't talk in tutorials unless someone asks about how to apply a theory to whatever scenario that we are given. I feel awkward as shit when I want to open my mouth to say something, so I don't... 

Even when Mike started talking to me again and we hung out a few times, our schedules have been clashing heaps. He works night shifts as well and even when I ask on his days off, he is already doing something else. Even though it may just be that I really do get him at the wrong times, I often fall into this pit, thinking that he is just trying to avoid hanging with me nicely. 

Maybe I just think too much. It's like another thing that bothered me for a day or two. I discovered my relative's girlfriend removed me off facebook when I tried to tag her in something I thought she would like. The relative and I have been getting closer again lately, and his girlfriend is starting to go to our family gatherings more often, so I thought I'd put the effort into getting to know her more. After abruptly finding out, I wondered if I did anything to offend her. I remembered that the last time I saw her was at the last family gather where I was FUCKED UP from work. My brain was like a monkey on a tricycle. All I knew how to do was giggle at stupid things with my family. I remember she sent me a message through facebook, commenting on something about the Harry Potter scene on TV. I sat there for 5 minutes trying to figure something to reply because I thought what she said was funny. But my brain, being unable to come up with any comprehensible to say, so I sent a 'laughing so hard that I'm crying' emoji. And that was about it for our interaction for the night. 

I assumed I offended her sometime, so the next day that we had the gather, I made sure to talk to her a bit more. Mum and one of my aunts where a bit unhappy that she didn't greet everyone, but I told them that the only reason Denne knows to is that I ask him to and make sure that he does. And that is only because grandma very carefully watched over me to make sure I keep the traditions of our culture. "Don't be too hard on her, most kids can't even talk Vietnamese, let alone know our culture and how to act accordingly. She will slowly learn it like Denne"

I was doing my usual roll of doing as much of the food prep as possible. Denne helped out and she also asked to help out and she found things to do as well. Everything seemed normal. Until she said, "You guys (referring to Denne and I) have a very typical male and female relationship." I replied with, "Yeah, I was raised quite traditionally, so it's natural for me to do these things :)" She kinda frowned/scrunched her face. I didn't know how to take that.

I don't even know where this blog is going either. I'm always so self conscious of interactions. I wonder if I did something wrong or if there is something wrong with me in general. Maybe I'm just doing things to offend people without even knowing it. I do have a resting bitch face so that doesn't help does it... Iunno man.

 I just want to have one or two people in my life that I can be close friends with. Doesn't seem like it's something I am capable of.

Social interactions stress me out.

I discovered Lush a few months back. Throughout the whole year, I wanted to start looking after my skin more, but I had no idea what I was doing in regards to creams and serums. They were FUCKING EXPENSIVE. A bottle of cream or serum started around $50, and I had no idea wtf was in it, nor did I know if it works well. I wasn't ready to dish out $100-200 for a shitty skin routine, and I also wasn't comfortable with all the chemicals involved.

I was at the shops one day and I walked by the Lush store, so I asked Denne to go in and have a look. First thing that really blew me away was that the whole shop had this beautiful smell to it. I didn't know what I was looking at. There were colours everywhere and things in odd shapes. I was lost af. Some lady came up to me and asked if there was anything I was looking for. I said it was my first time, so I had no idea wtf I'm doing. But I was interested in facial skin care. She showed me a facial wash. 

'Angels on bare skin'. I was not a of how it smelled, but god damn did it make my skin feel smooth. She did a demo on my hand, and from them on, I fucking fell in love with Lush. She then did a demo with one of their face lotions, 'Vanishing cream'. They weren't kidding when they said vanishing cream. I usually HATE face creams, because it makes my face feel like an oily, greasy mess. But I could put this on under my makeup (which is usually just eyeliner LOL), without it feel heavy throughout the day. I was IMPRESSED. 'Vanishing Cream', 'Sex Bomb' and 'Yuzu and Cocoa Bubbleroon' were my first ever products from Lush.

Sex Bomb has been my absolute favourite bath boom so far. It makes my skin feel so bloody smooth I didn't know it was possible. All I have to do is lay there and chill. No effort what so ever. 

That was my first visit. My face felt very smooth just from the bath bomb, and there was a significant improvement in the texture of my face from using the cream everyday or so. I was very very very impressed. So I went for my second visit, looking for something for my body. I am not a fan of the soap that I use at home, it makes my skin feel rough and dry. It feels like it isn't just pulling all the gunk off my skin, but it was also ripping off all the oils on my skin. It just feels super dry and I didn't like that. Hence I went in with the intention of getting something that exfoliates my skin but at the same time, keeps my skin smooth and happy. A guy working there (who's personality I love btw) showed me their most popular shower scrub, 'Ocean salt'. I didn't like the smell, so he gave me the 'Rub Rub Rub' and I fell in love. It has this sweat yet salty smell that really appealed to me. I tried it on my skin, and after washing it out, my lord did the back of my hand feel smooth like a baby's ass. I picked up another 'Sex bomb' while I was at it. Along with 'Tisty Tosty' and 'The Christmas Penguin' bubble bar.

Look how precious that bloody penguin is... I just can't. I still haven't been able to use him yet. I feel as though 'Tisty Tosty' isn't as refreshing and soothing as 'Sex Bomb', though it does look very nice in the bath. I now use 'Rub Rub Rub' about twice or so a week for when I feel the need for extra oils on my skin. 

My third visit was at the city where I wanted a nice both lotion. I had a smell of everything around the shop, and I like the smell of 'Sympathy For The Skin'. My Buddha does it smell AMAZING. It smells like... a banana chocolate dessert. It smells so yummy, I just keep smelling myself when I use it. I have used it for nearly a month now, and my skin is SO SMOOTH HOLLY SHIT. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfY8Ih8dyUU

I watched a video of how they make it, and holly shit the amount of natural and raw ingredients that they put in there is mind blowing. They put a CRAP TONNE of banana in there. Again, I AM SO IMPRESSED. From here, I realised that I was getting obsessed with Lush. 

The fourth time I visited was today and I wanted a everyday soup bar. I chose 'Sandstone' because of the smell and the toning and exfoliating properties. Being the dumb ass I am, I didn't realised how sanding 'sandstone' would be... I know it sounds stupid. It was really rough on the skin when I didn't have enough water on me. But under running water, it mother fucking exfoliated alright. My ass has never been this smooth in my life. I've been feeling my ass nonstop today after using it. 'Sandstone' is definitely something that I will use once a week max, purely because of how rough it is, but it will most probably be something that I will keep repurchasing over and over again. 

I will be going back for a daily soup and maybe a bath bomb or two for my Christmas trip with Denne. Maybe he will be able to experience it with me :D

One thing that makes me love Lush even more is that Lush is TRULY cruelty free, animal testing free, hand made, all natural ingredients that are not from any living animal. They legit make it from fresh ingredients. They're cutting shit up like they are working in a kitchen ffs. It makes me feel safe that I am improving my skin without damaging it in some way with some chemical I have never heard of or understand. They also recycle all their containers ffs... you return ten tubes, you get a free face mask. YES PLEASE

Guess what I will be doing on boxing day? HAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUL

And yes... I know... I'm getting a TAD bit obsessive about it. But I love how my skin is feeling. Denne seems to feel the same about it too, he won't stop rubbing my thighs while driving. Actually, he won't stop rubbing me in general. Not to mention he is sniffing me a lot more often these days too. So plus on top of all the other pluses :D

As Grandma was surrounded by her kids, their spouses and her grandchildren and their partners, she was asked, "Grandama, what is your birthday wish?"

"I'm old now. All I wish for is that you children and grandchildren love and cherish one another. That you live for one another rather than just for yourself, that you think about each other. As I've raised each one of you, live with compassion towards each other."

"If you could, how would you best describe how it feels?"

"Its feels like I'm walking through a dense forest with the light blocked out by the canopy above. I'd turn around and look for a direction to go in, but it just all looks the same. Sometimes, I'd see an opening that is letting light through, but all I see when I reach it, is more of the forest that I came from. Once again I would feel lost."

"Its going to cost 345 for the driving test. Last time I drove, I was nervous because I knew the test was going to be on the next time I see my instructor and made a lot of mistakes. It's either I take the test on thursday, or mid January, what do you think?"

"Its all in your head! Its only in your mentality. If it was me, I would have taken the bloody test ages ago. Who would take THAT long to do it (take/past the test). What are you even worrying about?"

Its all in my head... yeah, its called a mental illness. Its like saying to someone with a depressive disorder, "its all in your head, there's nothing to be sad about. if it was me, i wouldnt be depressed about anything." Or someone with schizophrenia, "the voices are all in your head, why is it even bothering you, its not real." 

Asian parents can be cruel. I can't help but feel lost and alone at this point.