To be dependent or independent

When you're independent, you either make it on your own, or you fuck up on your own. Either you reach success with the hard work you yourself invested in, or you die by fucking yourself over. Everything that happens to you is mainly your own doing. If you lose motivation, its because you aren't strong enough to keep it. If you don't complete something important, its because you can't or you're just lazy. Your downfall and success is entirely up to you.

When you're dependent, you reach success in the arms of your friends, however when you fuck up, you can also fuck up in their arms. You being to blame and point. You trusted. Trusted too much and you get a slap to the face. Then whose fault is it? Is it yours or the ones you trusted in? Things just become so messy when you are dependent, even though it brings you so much joy and makes your life so much easier. 

Why not just be independent? Why not have no need in other people? Why don't you throw away your need for people like your significant other and dear friends? You can achieve happiness with or without them.

I guess my answer to all of that is, "I'm scared of the feeling fading". After everything that happened in my life, I rarely trust. I want to be around people or around my art. However I don't want to trust them. I'd always be on my own, but never alone, and things where good that way, as I didn't care what people did to me because it didn't matter. Cancel plans last minute when I'm already there waiting for you? Whatever, yo don't mean shit, so it doesn't matter, hit up another friend and the day goes on. Now that there are important people in my life, I'm reverting back to being dependent. Although there are times where I'm extremely happy because of the way they are there for me and what not. But when things change a bit, it hurts more than it should. I just want to revert back into the person that didn't give a single fuck what people did to me. I just want to revert back to that independent side, that is strong and can handle myself. I hate being hurt by those I hold deep. It hurts more than it ever should.

When I become dependent, I become weak.