I've always been weird about people touching my head. Generally, I absolutely hate it. I tolerate it from people like mum or aunts/family friends. But I generally don't like being touched on the head. Though there are a handful of people who pat my head and it feels very comforting. Sometimes I kinda yearn for it, most of the time it's when I'm slitly inebriated :D. With grandpa I feel very affectionate towards him, like others who I am fond of in he sense of 'looking up to'. Very few have made me feel butterflies and tingly though. Can't blame a girl for missing that feeling here and there. When I miss that feeling, I let my inner fujoshi run wild and free ahaha.

What I'm saying at this point isn't even comprehensible is it. Oh well, till next time.

Any man who goes around saying 'I am the king' is no true king - Tywin Lannister 

You show others who you are or what type of person you are through your actions, not your words. Are guys who proclaim to be 'nice guys' really nice, when they have to go around telling everyone they are a nice guy? Or are they just bitter and trying to blame the girl for being blind to how much of an 'amazing boyfriend' they are? Are you really smart when you constantly have to tell people you are? Are you really kind if you have to tell people that you are kind for them to know? 

Everyone has this image of themselves. An imagine of how they'd like to see themselves as. It reflects their values and the type of person they would hope themselves to be. But not everyone is in tune with it. We have a tendency to act automatically or act upon impulses. To be able to achieve what we hope ourselves to be, we need to be aware of our values. Once we are, we are more able to make decisions based on them, so that we could truly become the _______ person we see ourselves to be.

So... I've decided what I wanted to do during the holidays. I said 'fuck it' to the summer semester :D I had a bit of a break down while on the way to dinner with Denne when he mentioned that I'm wearing myself out. I guess he recognised my burn out earlier than I did. He probably doesn't even realised that he just pointed it out. It was one of those moments that reminded me, "waah, maybe you're not as derp as you make yourself out to be." Haha. I was experiencing textbook symptoms of burnout and was completely oblivious to my own mental health. Physical and emotion exhaustion, detachment, feelings of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment, always feeling fatigued, insomnia, blared vision, sometimes bouts of dizziness, lack of appetite and mild depressive like symptoms. 

IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

I need a break from studying and the anxiety that comes along with it. I need some time off. I'll be spending my holidays working a lot and trying to save up some money. I'll be started at EB on Wednesday! I'm so excited!! I can't wait to start working with Scott and work in a more stable and structured environment! 

I am grateful for how kind and accommodating Scott has been. I hope to be able to embody those traits and be able to treat others in the same way. 

Now, to get back to my last piece of assessment for the year of 2017. I'm almost done. So close, yet so tired, and still have enough energy in me to feel some hints of anxiety.

You can FEEEEEL the emotion in ever damn lyric she sings!

Ok, so quick update. So the crazy week is finally done. I just finished 2 quizzes (total of 10%) and my last major paper for this semester (30%). So within the last week, I completed assessments that are worth nearly half the marks in one of my courses. Talk about pressure right? Although the marks are only taken from the best 8 quizzes out of 10, I couldn't help but feel the pressure of wanting excel. Particularly because I did't do too well in two of the quizzes during the semester. I really want to get rid of the 6/10 and 7/10 that I'm not too proud of LOL. I recognise that it's a tad bit childish and over-reactive considering those aren't terrible scores, but I just hoped to do better. With those ticked off the list, I am finally on my last week. Now the only thing I have left is a therapy role-play reflection (5%) which I have submitted in advance, the self-practice portfolio (7%) and an online quiz (10%). Then I am free... that is unless I actually decide to take another summer semester. 

At this point I either have 2 options; (a) I take an equivalent of #2 units during the summer, whether that be 1 full elective course worth #2 units or 2 research courses worth #1 unit each, so that I can have 5 full courses to spread between semester 1 and 2 of 2018, OR (b) take the summer off and spend it working and saving up money towards something big in the future and proceed to spread 6 full courses between semester 1 and 2 of 2018. They both have their ups and downs. Option a, although the summer will be full considering I now have two jobs, that would lighten the load for my last year of university, and will give me more time overall during the year to work part-time. Although the summer would most probably involve some degree of stress, maybe even more than I'd anticipate considering that mum seems to be trying to get me to work more days, overall it could serve as a back up in case a course doesn't work out for me and I end up dropping it. But then again, if that does happen, I can take the 2018/2019 summer semester to finish any units that I missed. With option b, I'd be much less stressful, and the transition will be much better during the summer. I could work it out until I just have the job at EB, i.e. helping the family restaurant find people and train people to replace me. I honestly feel like I really want to move on from there. Although to most people, it might not seem like that, but to me, the restaurant has been one of those things in my life that I felt was holding me back. More like... I've used it as a safety net, not wanting to reach out for more because I was too afraid of failure and things going wrong. At this point in my life, I feel as though I've got a strong enough grasp on my GAD and grew enough balls to making actions that are committed to what I value in life. Don't get me wrong, I've been enjoying my time at the restaurant much more since my mental health journey began. Since I worked with my anxiety, I become more able to tolerate my immediate emotional reactions and challenged my insecurities to allow myself to be more open with others and more genuine. Generally, making good coffee, makes me happy. Well... more like seeing people happy makes me happy :) I'm just spewing words at this point aren't I haha. 

All in all, I got a decision to make soon. I'll make my decisions, I'll take committed actions based on what I value in life, and I'll see where life takes me. I am grateful for the opportunities that I have been given in life :)

The exam for psychopathology is finished and there is only 1 more major assignment left. Though there are a few more assessments left, a lot of it is tying up loose ends and proof reading before submission. I'm grateful for being able to finish a small reflective paper early, as it makes it even easier. I will admit though, I did not have a fun time with that exam. After hearing feedback during the tutorials, seems like the majority did not like how the content was covered in the exam. Most mentioned that it was frustrating how it was very little about the therapy processes and underlying theories, and more about empirical studies and case studies. I too wished it was more about the therapies, which was what most of my knowledge was in. Considering that you're in the class to learn about the various available therapy methods, you'd think that's the majority of what they would test you on and then a bit on the effectiveness and related studies. Nope, it was the other way around :D It's a bit ridiculous to be asked the exact outcome of a study when you are presented with a couple of dozen papers throughout the course. Needless to say, that exam, although not weighted very heavily took the crap out of me.

It's been a few days since the exam, but I still feel exhausted. Exhausted is a bit of a basic term to explain how I currently feels. It's more accurate to say my mood and emotions are low. I feel "flat" or "eh". It's weird, considering anxiety is usually always there, but it feels like it's on vacay. I literally just sat there going through the 90 pages of data for my last major paper of this semester, without any feeling at all. No experience of anxiety or anything. I got lost constantly and at almost every turn, I did something wrong and wasted a bit of time where and there trying to extract about a page worth of relevant statistics. But not a single fuck was given. I got lost, I just looked at the handout again and just figured it out. Not a single fuck was given. I get I'm emphasing on it a lot, but holly shit I really could not give two fucks. Considering I have an anxiety disorder, it's so weird. I would usually panic with just ordering the same coffee I do everyday. I would go the long way to avoid all the university political groups coming at you with fliers like vultures. But today I just walked straight through, they ran out me and I just said, "I'm good mate." And when they kept going at it, I just looked them in the eye and said, "I'm not kidding, I'm good." Before they could peep another word, I just went, "no," and went about my day. Like what? whats happening with me lately LOL

I also don't feel the need for anything that I usually do. I don't feel the need to have a video or something on to keep my anxious mind distracted. I don't feel the need for comfort or contact with anyone. I don't feel the need to play Dota, nor do I feel the need for rewards after my study sets. Actually... I haven't even done study sets, I just sat down and did work. No type of gratification is poking at me to be fulfilled. I don't feel the need to have to talk with anyone either. 

#LowMood wooh

Another one! Today I was able to help a friend begin to take steps towards making improvements on his problems with the use of some ACT strategies. I am so grateful to have learnt some strategies to be able to implement on my own life, and the life of those who I care for.

A component of my self-care portfolio in my psychotherapy and counselling class has us write down things that we are grateful for. Here I go I guess :)

Although I have been screwed over a few times by people who I saw as close friends during high school, I am grateful for the handful of friends I currently have. To be completely honest, it really fucked with me. I really cared for two girls (from separate groups) and was willing to be there for them no matter what. I would do anything for them, even at the expense of Denne. I don't blame him for feeling a bit used back then, I did take it for granted expecting him to drive me and my friend(s) because he liked me. I would do everything I can to be there for them emotionally, when they were fighting with their boyfriends or were angry at something that happened. I always offered my shoulder for them to lean on. One girl ended up getting together with a guy who I used to have some chemistry with. Once she found out, she did a 180 and didn't want to have anything to do with me. I assumed it was out of jealousy, so I respected it and cut my friendship with the guy because I could see that he really liked her. After their relationship ended, he ended up telling me why the girl stopped talking to me, and why he ended up having to do the same. No hard feelings. With the other girl, to this day I honestly don't know why, but she went on facebook and started going to town about me. Right after that, the group who I thought were my friends, turned on me and joined in with the facebook bullying. Couldn't trust anyone after that. I always kept a distance from people and didn't want anything other than surface level interactions with them. I am grateful for people like Andrew, Marissa, who are not only friends, but are my everyday support system. I am grateful for people like Carl, who helped me begin my journey towards improving my mental health even though he had problems of his own. I am grateful for people like Ezmond, who is always willing to be there to help explain content at uni that I don't understand, and is patient enough to help me through things. I'd like to think that because of them, I am much more open to people. Even without knowing, they have helped me get over those previous betrayals, to forgive the people who did me wrong, and allowed me to be more giving towards others. 

I am grateful for my family who have wholeheartedly taken Denne in, and accepted him as being apart of our family. I am grateful for the support of my extended family, and their willingness to help without a single complain. I am grateful for my paternal grandparents, who are always looking out for my future and my happiness. I am grateful for their love, and their support of my relationship and future with Denne. I am grateful for their hope for me, their wisdom and their life lessons. I am grateful for my parents. Although our relationship have gone through very rough patches, I am grateful for the closeness mum and I have now, and I am grateful for dad's tolerance. I am grateful for the health professionals who have made a huge impact on my life. Dr. Tan has helped me turn my life around, and taught me how to manage life with GAD. I am grateful for Dr Bennett's concern, grateful that he took me seriously and his determination to help. I am grateful for the pleasant conversations we have every time I come for BCP refills. I am grateful for Denne and the 4 years we have spent together. Although things have not always been peachy, I am grateful that he is now understanding and accommodating of my condition. I am grateful for Denne driving me everywhere. I am grateful that he always wants to spend time with me. I am grateful for his affection. I am grateful for his patience and his support. I am grateful for the animals I have in my life, who give me so much joy every day.

I am grateful for all these things and more. These are the things that make me who I am.

Also I am grateful for Scott. I MIGHT have just scored a job at ebgames :D

To Bubba, 

At this point in our lives, we have been together for nearly 4 and a half years. We have been through the honeymoon phase, where all we wanted to do was throw everything we knew aside and be together. We have been through the rocky stage, where discovered our differences and fought week to week about them, unable to compromise. We have gone through a period of rapid change and personal growth. You have been there for me through my darkest times, where I struggled aimlessly to find myself and understand my internal experiences. You were there for me, encouraging me to seek answers to my demons. You were in the waiting room for a whole hour, while I received my diagnosis of a mental disorder. You were there for me during my moments of absolute fear and dread of the realisation that this mental illness is not curable, that it will be with my for the rest of my life. You were there from the very start, from the first doctor's visit, to every session with the psychologist, and everyday since then. As much as I've learnt about the intricacies of generalised anxiety disorder and how I experience it myself, you have learnt with me. You don't blame me for what I struggle with, and you extend a hand to help me, regardless of how small or irrational it feels to you. The days where I particularly struggle with GAD, you step in to make up for what I lack, however, you give my opportunities to build my resilience on days that I flourish with it. You have encouraged me through both moments of panic and intense anxiety, and moments of accomplishment. 

As you have met grandma, within such a short time, you have grown to be such an attentive and caring partner, who looks out for my every need. You have taken aboard values very different from your own, and you have come to accept and understand my traditional tendencies. You have learnt to live for me, as I too live for you. You have become much more aware of your surroundings, which in turn has allowed you to not only treasure me more, but to also treasure other things that are significant in your life. You have learnt to take on "responsibilities" that are not your's, just because of compassion and consideration. Your efforts and progression in your journey to self improvement has been one of the biggest motivators for my own journey. You encourage me to become better at managing my mental health, and become more resilient. You have encouraged me to strive towards a career I am passionate about, regardless of how it petrifies me or how many times I trip along the way. I feel reassured in doing so, because I know that every single thing I stumble, you are there to help me right back up. 

Within the last year, we have both grown hugely as individuals, and as a couple. Something I am incredibly thankful for. At this point in my life, I can say without a doubt, that I love you with everything I have. And that I hope that I can make as much of a positive impact on your life, as you have for me. I hope that I can change your life for the better, to treasure you and tend to your needs everyday that we spend together. 

I was told during my adolescence that I had no idea what love feels like. But after we have been through thick and thin, through countless struggle to get to this point right now, I can truly say that I know that feeling of loving someone. Even after 4 years, I still get excited just to be with you. I still get excited for dates. It even brings me joy to nap with you. Everyday that I tell you I love you, I mean it from the bottom of my heart. 

I love you dearly, 

Your kitty.

How we have spent most of our time together lately (lol)

I continue to blog here and there when I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts and need a place to pour it out. Sometimes I do just because I felt like it that day. 

A bit of a tangent here, but, I started blogging mainly because of Denne. It was something that Denne did and I wanted to join. It was a down low way of conveying difficult to talk about feelings to Denne. It was also a way for me to have an insight into what is going on in Denne's head. For people who know him, he's one of those people who are not very open about their thoughts and feelings. It's not that it's something he does due to distrust, he just has a hard time talking about it. 

Even though Denne and I are much closer now, and I encourage him to open up about things, that aspect of his personality is still there. It's something we are working on, but try and hold back with the prying/pressuring. Sometimes I wish that he would start blogging again for me. Maybe it's my field that makes me overly curious about mental states and the human experience, but it's one of those feelings that keeps coming back here and there. 

______________________________________

Been on the roll with studying everyday! Its tiring, but I'm trying.

I FOUND THE MOTHER FUCKING RING!

The panic episode I had the night before had me absolutely exhausted for today. I made it through the day though. It has been a good day :)

Ok. So I'm crying like crazy right now... because I can't find the ring that Denne bought for me on our Phuket trip. Although things didn't start off so well with that ring. Denne was insistent on being me a ring. I saw a stone and a colour a liked, but I didn't like the band. I then saw a band I love, but the ruby on the band was really cloudy. So we got the band and changed it to the gem I liked. Turns out, it was about 100$ more than what it would have costed here in Australia. So the first day I got it, I had very mixed feelings. I felt so guilty and selfish that Denne spent so much more money than he should have on an item that I chose. But at the same time, I felt so grateful and happy that he loved me enough to spoil me like that. 

For me, the value of the ring, and the size of the stone doesn't matter to me. The ring itself though, is a different story. Denne giving me a ring means more than anything to me. I don't even know how to explain it with words. In the end, no matter the actual value of that ring, I treasure it so much because I really like how pretty it is, and because it's a symbol from the man I love that he loves me also. 

I've only had it since the 15th of July. So it's only been a month. I'm so devastated that I've been crying for the last hour while Denne is at work. I usually only take it off while showering, so i frantically went looking for it. It wasn't on the sink top, so I opened up the pip under the sink and it wasn't there also. At this point, I'm just praying that I took it off while I had an after work shower at his house this afternoon. Or I just misplaced it somewhere. 

_____________________________

I keep telling Denne that I don't like jewelry and that I'm not a jewelry person. But it's a product of me being fearful of losing it considering how forgetful I am. I've had multiple scares with the necklace Denne gave me. I've lost it multiple times, but ended up finding it in the end. I'm hoping it ends the same way as the necklace.

So I got my marks back for the first quiz I completed last week for course social topics in psychology. As I probably stated in previous blog posts, GAD the old fella has been hanging around more recently and is quite chatty. So even when I've gone the quizzes, I'd just be anxious for the next one, and for the results of the previous. I sat there for a quite with the notification, not really wanting to open it in case it was bad, but at the same time wanting to open it because a part of me wants it over and done with. I ended up opening it, and to my surprise, I got full marks. Yay to my first 5% of the semester. 

I also received feedback on my human measurement practice quiz I did last week. I pretty much landed back in Brisbane on the evening before the quiz. I woke up before 8 to scoot to the tutorial. I was pretty behind on the content and the materials for that week. The lecturer gave us content for a 2 hour lecture, a 50 minute recording of correlations revision we needed to go through, plus three 10+ page hand/guidebooks to Assignment 1, 2 and the in tutorial quizzes. I think that was what overwhelmed me the most, particularly because it took me a quite to get through all that content. I need to take more breathers than I had anticipated, because I kept feeling as though I was on that verge of panicking due to being overwhelmed. I also didn't feel as though I did too well on the practice quiz, since most of my answers were just the most educated guesses I could make, based on stats knowledge from previous years. What I trying to say is that it didn't necessarily feel as though I knew the answer, rather I kinda had an idea of what was not right... if that makes any sense at all. 

Anywho, it turns out that I got 80% on that quiz. I was thoroughly surprised. The guy that's been sitting next to me in that tutorial said something that really stuck with me. 

"I think you give yourself much less credit that you deserve."

And it's probably true. I've had more than one person say that to me, more so recently. Though I think that hearing it from someone I just met for the second time hit me a little harder. The lecturer for my human measurement course also said something similar to everyone during our first lecture. To keep it short and concise, he reminded us that we are studying a third year subject in one of the top 3 universities in Australia, which is also in the top 50 of the world. He told us that we should all give ourselves more credit for that, whether or not we end up in the psychology field that we intended. 

_____________________________________________________

P.S. Met a new friend last week during the human measurement class. Talked to Ezmond and Quan more because I was familiar with them and I was having one of those shy days where GAD had more influence. A few days passed, and it turns out that she is in my social psyc class AND the tutorial as well. We sat on the same table and both of us were like, '"am I going crazy, or does she look familiar?"

We had a 2 hour break between our tutorial and the lecture for the same course, so we spent the whole time talking and obsessing over food. We ended up arranging a food date at Taro this friday. To add to that, after the human measurement lecture today, we ended up miraculously recruiting both Ezmond and Quan to come to. Friday is going to be interesting :)

A new semester brings a whole new challenge. This semester, I am only doing 3 subjects. Last semester I visited the academic adviser for the school of psychology, and I was told that two of the courses I chose for this semester are quick challenging. She wasn't kidding. Turns out, I will not have ANY final exams this semester... but instead, I'll have a minimum of 3 assessments to submit per week. The thing is, studies have shown that a single high-stakes assessment is a horrible way of measuring the ability of students. If you fuck up on that one thing that's worth half your overall grades, you're fucked. What is more effective at not only measuring skill, but also facilitates learning is multiple small-stakes assessments throughout the semester. Hence, most of the 2nd, 3rd and 4th year courses have remodeled their curriculum to involve weekly, fortnightly or monthly quizzes that are done under exam conditions in class. I have three of those this semester (yay).

So this semester, every week I have: 

1. A quiz for my human measurement class

2. A short answer essay for my social psychology course 

3. A one page essay for the social psychology course also

I have bits and bobs everywhere for my counselling and psychotherapy class, along with 2 written assignments for the human measurement course. All in all, although I won't be stressing for finals, every week during this semester will be quite full on. There is a lot of assessments to complete and I need to be on top of my shit every week. I've been overwhelmed trying to catch up with week 1 content, but I've been managing. I don't think the actual load is tooooooooooo crazy considering that I'm only taking 3 courses to make up for it. Rather, it's just the anxiety that is talking to me a lot. 

I just need to manage my time and GAD. I need to be able to tell GAD to fuck off. I also need to not get tunnel visioned with wanting to spend time with Denne and putting uni aside too. We will both be very busy in this half of the year, and we already can barely see each other. I need to be more resilient!

Hoping for a good end to the year. I'll keep hustling through!

___________________________

P.S. HOLLY SHIT GAME OF THRONES SEASON 7 THOUGH! 

I'm hoping that Jaime will turn on Cersei and be the valonqar that kills her. Also, that Arya is the one that kills Little Finger with the Valyrian steel dagger that he used to kill her father. It's obvious that Bran already knows everything that Little Finger did to contribute to the war, and that he betrayed the Starks in more than one way. That cunt is going to DIE! (Yes, a bit obsessed)

While at work - "Uncle Thinh, are you a jealous person?"

"What do you mean by this?

"Well, I know you guys have been together since you were in your late teens, so I was wondering if you ever got jealous of another guy throughout the years"

"You know... the great thing about your aunt is that she has never given me a reason to be jealous"

I was taken aback for a bit. So while doing miscellaneous things around the restaurant, I thought about what he said and reflected back on my relationship. I'm quite grateful for how my relationship with Denne has matured over the past year. I'm also grateful for how much we both have grown as individuals. Other than the one time in our first year of being together, Denne has not given me another reason to be jealous. 

I used to be incredibly insecure and scared of being cheated on when I learnt about an ex's 'adventures' when he went partying without me. I was told so by people who were close to him and close to me at the time, but I honestly still don't know if things actually happened the way I was told it did. Regardless, at that time, I was incredibly vulnerable, and that information did not help me what so ever. At that point, Denne and I had the first major fight in our relationship. Rather than comforting me after we talked things through, he went to have lunch with someone. Long story short, she told him to break up with me. Especially since she had just split from a long term relationship, she kept seeking comfort in him; asking for him to drop things and come spend time with her out of the blue, or wanting to sleep over his place. Given the circumstances, I think jealousy is quite a reasonable emotional response. 

I can honestly say that after we were able to work it through and come to understand each other's perspectives more, he has never given me the reason to be jealous. He works night shifts, and although it made me anxious to begin with (most probably GAD talking to me) I quickly became accustomed to it; although I will admit that sometimes I do get lonely when we are both busy. I need to be reasonable, and not give in or feed my anxiety by holding Denne too tight just to calm it down. But Denne was also reasonable with me and GAD, in that he would tell me that he got home safe from work, or gave me a heads up that he is going out to the pub with Maria and other co-workers. He came to understand the extent of my GAD, and understood that my intentions were not to keep tabs on where he was, rather it was to calm or prevent my anxious (and sometimes down right obsessive) thought processes. More of 'btw honey, I'm not dead' rather than 'can I do have a drink with my mates?'

After reflecting on it, I came to the realisation that... I no longer have any insecurities of being cheated on anymore. At the end of the day, I have grown because I am more able to recognise when GAD is talking or reacting. Although it will most probably never go away, although it may be a diagnosis that I live with for the rest of my life, I have learnt to manage it. I am now able to flourish, regardless of the mental illness. Denne has grown to be much more responsible, empathetic and aware of other's perspectives. He has become incredibly attentive to my anxiety, being able to spot out when I am struggling and stepping in to help me. He is happy to make up for what I lack in, as much as I am happy to do so too. 

Yes, we are human, we are flawed, we make mistakes. But regardless, I think we all deserve to be with someone who loves us enough to never give us a reason to feel jealous. 

I'm reaching for clear skies. The past two years has been nothing put growth. 

Being consumed by my anxiety, I failed 3 out of 4 subjects in my second semester. I steadily increased my grades each semester, trying out and cementing new habits that are healthy for not only my studies, but also my mental health and over all well-being. Four semesters have passed, half a year of actively working with my demons with the help of the person that I love and the people that I admire, I have reached a point where I can be proud of myself. 

Although exams are over, I still find myself still a bit overwhelmed and anxious. Partially, I'm worried about my grade for psychopathology. I wasn't aware that a majority of material is found in the textbook, with about half exclusively from it. the material was very different from what we were introduced to in the lectures. I'm just hoping not to fail that course at this point. I did very very well on all of my 2 dozen assignments except for one were it was about 67%. On the bright side, I will get my first 7 at university this semester. I initially thought I was going to get one 7 and 3 6s, but at this point, I'm worried about that last course. Grade are going to be released in a bit over a week, so the anticipation is getting to me. I'm worried that I won't pass psychopathology, the exam was very hard considering I did not cover the right topics in my weeks worth of revision. Additionally, I'm worried that a bad or failing grade will take a toll on me and the trip I'm taking on 5 days after the release of the results (10th June).

Also, Denne and I have had horrible luck when it comes to anything involving money. Denne forked out over 1k for some personal stuff. Then Mr.Nibbles suddenly got REALLY sick. It turns out, there was a giant hole in the bottom of his tongue. We assume it has been there for a very long time, considering there was necrosis in some areas. He had to get it stitched up, and be on pain medication for a whole week. That costed about 400$ all up. Then Denne probably got a speeding fine, and my samsung s8 dropped and the screen cracked. We have dished out a decent amount of money, even though we are trying so hard to properly save money for this trip. I'm hoping we can get about 3k in spending money, and I'm sure we can do it. But the amount of money we have forked out this last month or two is much more than we would like. 

Although this is all stressing me out quite a lot, reflecting on it has really helped me not reach the point of being overwhelmed. Firstly, I am so very grateful for Denne, as he is honestly taking the brunt of the costs so far. The money for the trip, is split pretty even 50/50, but lately Denne has been forking out most of the money for the vet bill and particularly for food. This was especially true, when I was studying for exams or had heaps of papers due within the same week. I have only been able to work a maximum of two days a week, which fetches me about $180 per week, which makes my spending money a cruddy $80 per week. This has to cover university stuff (ie. bus, food, materials for assignments etc) and everyday spending. My pride doesn't let me accept money from my parents, so Denne has to suffer for it. I'm in credibly thankful for Denne for his support, when I am unable to handle things by myself. He has also been there for my emotionally throughout this semester, which has been a particularly hard one for me to deal with. I have been trying to follow a new routine, which is much more career focused, than anything else. This semester has been much more challenging in regards to work load than any other semester I have every done. I lost count of the amount of academic articles I've read in order to complete the 8 or papers and essays. I haven written around 12000 words, done over a dozen quizzes, did presentation which scared the fuck out of me. I think I have achieved a lot this semester. I couldn't have done it without Denne's support the whole way through.

We had a lot of difficult times, where the both of us were incredibly busy. We didn't have time to see each other throughout the week. I was busy with university, and he was busy with work. But we made sure that both know that we are still thinking of each other. During the past two weeks, I can't help but constantly think of how grateful I am for Denne, and that I truly do love him. I think that since the beginning of this year, I've finally been able to comprehend what it is like to truly love someone. There is just this feeling I just can't put into words, but I know for sure that it has developed beyond the feelings I had for him before this year. I'm looking forward to spending time alone with Denne in Phuket, I think it'd do wonders for our relationship. 

Anywho, at the of the day, I have learnt to look at the ECP MUCH MORE CAREFULLY in order to understand what exactly is assessed in the final exams. Although a large majority of cases, lecture materials are about 80-90% of what is assessed, and the textbooks are just a study aid when you are struggling to keep up or understand the materials presented in the lectures, some courses incorporate a large amount of material from the textbook. This is something that I honestly should have known beforehand, and it's my own damn fault if I fail the psychopathology exam because of it. But all I can do at this point is to learn from it, and do well next time. I also learnt that I cannot expect phones to be as strong as they used to be, and take extra caution with handling it, considering I am the most buttery butter fingers to exist. Last, I have learnt to love and appreciate Denne more for what he does, because he genuinely loves me, and all he wants is for me to be happy and stress free (well... as much as I can be with this anxiety disorder hitching a ride).

I'm tired of being thrown around. I tired of never being in anyone's considerations, when all I ever do is try to consider everyone. I'm tired of demanding to be considered by others who say they love me. I don't want to deal with this anymore. It's always my fault right? 

Asian parents do not make the kindest parents, nor do they make the most considerate and open minded people. My dad is homophobic. Although he doesn't say, "you can't be gay" to random people he doesn't know, he will say some of the most fucked up things about people of the LGBTQ+ (which I am apart of, woooh) community that blows my mind. Things are his way or the highway. Both my parents, are unable to control their emotions. What a surprise I have issues with that. The difference is with them, whenever they feel any type of anger or negative emotion, their child becomes their emotional punching bag. When something is wrong in their day or in their life, they bash on their child, trying to vent out the frustration they feel. They demand respect from you, regardless of how they treat you. 

Their perspective is THE RIGHT perspective. They know best, regardless of their education. They know best, regardless of whatever any expert (who have spent their whole lives in their field) say. They know best, regardless of what decades of literature has said about any topic. They can say the sky is pink, sharks fly, water burns, and dogs hoot, regardless of anything you present them with, because they have 'lived more' and hence 'they know'. Even if you're a doctor, they know more than you, because what you do is 'just theory', and their experience is real.

YOU CANNOT REASON WITH THEM. They are intolerant to anything that does not conform to their biases. Conformation bias is rampant amongst asian parents. 

They get mad at you, for something that happened in that moment, and blame you for always doing it. I haven't played games for weeks on end, concentrating on my studies, and getting good fucking grades at that. I'm most definitely gonna get my first 7 at university this semester. I go to university from Tuesday to Thursday, leaving my house before 9 and coming home around 7pm. I come home, rest while eating dinner and showering, before going back to studying again until 11 or 12pm. I work on Fridays and Saturdays until 3. I rest a bit, nap, have dinner, freshen up, then right back to studying. Sunday is my day off, to spend with denne and to have a bit of a fucking break. Then Monday, I  prepare for the week to start all over again. I just finished 3-4 constant weeks of that, and just finished all my assessments, with the exception of two exams that will happen in 2 weeks. 

Feeling burnt out, I played games yesterday and today. Today, mum called and wanted me to do things. I told her I'd do it after I finish my game. You can't leave in the middle of a DOTA game without getting penalised. Then she hits me with a, "ALL YOU EVER DO IS PLAY GAMES. THATS ALL YOU CARE ABOUT." 

I'm paving a path towards where I want to go. To a future I see for myself, for what I see as success. Success has never been about the prestigious job, the 6 figure salary, or the luxury possessions. Success is happiness, and happiness is attainable without riches. 

 My path will never be straight, it will be full of twists and turns. There will be setbacks, there will be times where I will go backwards, but that is how I will grow and experience the world. I am no longer a child you are able to mold. I'm molding myself into who and what I want to be, and I will never apologise for it. 

---------------------------------------

In hindsight, yes I do understand that asian parents generally can only show their love throw acts of service and with financial support. That is how the culture is. Money was a hard thing to make, so they want you have absolutely no trouble with finances at all. Hence the prestigious job, making a shit tonne of money etc. However, they expect too much. I will live a comfortable life in Australia, on the average wage. They are blind sighted by their wish for their child to live an easier life, and forget about everything else. They have this idea of what a person without any financial struggles looks it, and they want you to be like that. Again, every single day, I want to be nothing else other than a better version of who I was yesterday. I will not conform to something I am not. And I will never apologise for that.

When anxiety meets university... man do I struggle. It's not that I struggle with the content itself, I struggle with the fear and the dread I get about every single piece of assessment. Before I got help, I would get overwhelmed with just the thought of being graded and judged on something that I produced. I'd have unattainable standards for myself, whilst feeling dread about all the possible outcomes. No matter what, in my head, I was never good enough. I wasn't good enough for my profession, I was not good enough for parents, I was not good enough to move forward in life... and most importantly, I was not good enough for myself. No matter what mark I get, I'd ask myself why I didn't do better. 

It was probably something I got from my parents. Something that I will never forget for the rest of my life probably is the reason for this mindset. In the first two years of high school, I tried with everything I had to get good grades. I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I wanted to make them happy. I came home with 5 As, and a B+. I was excited to show them how well I did. My dad replied, "Why isn't this one an A?" That was when I stopped trying in high school, and started rebelling from what they wanted of me. Perfect child, perfect grades. Perfect, in their eyes.

I was raised to think that I had to be this, I had to be that. That my value was in the letters printed on those report cards. I had to be better, because without it, I will be overshadowed by others, I won't have a career, and there are life-long consequences. I had to be better than everyone else, for me to have success. 

This molded my mindset so that I was never happy with myself, because I always had these standards for myself that is just plain stupid. I didn't look at my grades as was to learn and improve in the future. Lost points meant that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't amount to anything. 

Although university is hard, now that I am in my third year, and there are so many papers to write in psychology, ever since seeing Dr. Tan, life has been easier. I've learnt to understand myself better, and love myself more. I've learnt to understand my own limits, while working at it slowly to build it up. It's still about being better, and improving yourself in every aspect you can - but, it's without the guild, the blame, the patronizing, and the self hate. Rather, it's about accepting everything with a gentle heart, being compassionate and understanding to myself, and progressive improving at a reasonable pace. 

My grades improved significantly. It went from failing half of my first year courses, to getting mostly 6s and some 5s, within less than a year. Now (this semester), I'm working on managing my work, allowing myself time to go through everything, while maintaining my anxiety every step of the way. It's still a learning process, but I've achieved more in this year than I have ever achieved in my whole life. I've finished assessments many days, even over a week before my due date, compared to submitting it 2 minutes before the submission portal closes. For this semester so far, I've achieved nothing less than 75% on 6 papers, 4 mini exams, and a fuck tonne of quizzes. Yes, I have stumbled, panicked, and had broken down. But I can count it with one hand, with some to spare, so my fight with anxiety is going strong! 

Working towards more steps forward. It doesn't matter how big your steps are. Just take one step at a time, and eventually, you will gain the momentum to stride towards what you deserve in life. What is the point of taking a leap forward, when you end up taking a few steps back anyways? Don't be too hard on yourself. Process is process, no matter how large in size.

"Hustle Bustle, Denne!"

At times, when I see how the people I love treat me when I go through an anxious set or go through a state of heightened emotions, and I think to myself, 'no wonder why there is such a high co-morbidity between anxiety and depression'. You're going through such an intense moment of dread, anxiety, fear and uncertainty, and common responses from others is:

"What is wrong with you?"

"Why do you NEED to do that?"

"What you're feeling is not necessary. You don't need to feel _______."

"You just need to do _________"

"There is no reason you should be feeling ___________"

"What is this feeling going to do for you? Nothing! So why?"

That is the exact reason why people who suffer from anxiety and depression hide in shame. We are taught, whether directly or indirectly, that our feelings are invalid - we should not feel how we feel given the situation. We feel ashamed of our emotional sensitivity, our inability to cope with situations 'like everybody else', and our inability to live up to what our loved ones expect of us. This sense of shame can easily cause one to feel isolated, as though no one understands them, and that no one truly cares to understand. 

A lot of times, people approach these conditions as though it is a choice. Is it really? If anyone could easily choose between being emotionally sensitive to adverse situations, and being emotionally resilient, I'd bet my life that everyone would chose resilience. Who would chose to be easily hurt? Who would chose to dread something so much that every time they encounter it, they withdraw and avoid with everything that they had. Who would chose to be so overwhelmed that they can do nothing but curl up and cry. I understand that these situations may be normal to you, to the average, mentally healthy person. But to the person with an anxiety disorder, these emotions are much more intense then you can even begin to imagine. Everyone has been anxious about something some time in their life, but can you imagine, that fear you feel becoming so intense that in that moment, there is no way out. When you have generalized anxiety disorder, you feel this with so many facets of your life. It affects different people in different ways, in varying degrees of severity - hence, if someone you love has anxiety, you will need to come to understand what are their triggers. 

It may never be something you can understand. The way your loved ones feel when they have an anxiety condition probably will never make sense to you, but that doesn't stop you from being compassionate. Why? Because they mean something to you. Just because you don't understand why they are feeling anxious/overwhelmed, doesn't change the fact that they are still feeling it. 

So why don't you accept that they are feeling it? 

In that moment, they need your support, more than they need your judgement. They need you to help calm them down, and help them feel as though everything is ok, more than they need to you tell them how they should and should not feel in the given situation. Allow them to get out of that moment of intense anxiety or heightened emotions. Once the storm has pasted - feel free to work on the source of the anxiety. You need to understand that you cannot work on these things, as it is happening. To work on anxiety, you need to work on preventative measures. What behaviours can you encourage, so that anxiety doesn't build up? What can they do to work on awareness of an upcoming anxious process, and in turn work on tolerance? And the most important - what can YOU do, to make it easier on them?

Eg. They get a bit antsy about ordering at a restaurant? Don't rush them. Go through the menu together so that it feels less daunting for your loved one. Ask for more time if necessary. If they're feeling gutsy, let them order. Order for them if they feel less confident this time around. It's not the end of the world for you, but for them, it might very well feel like it.
Rush them, question them for why the hell they're taking so long, or why it's so hard to just chose a dish is only going to lead to an unpleasant meal. Maybe not for you, but definitely for them. It's completely unnecessary.

Eg. They're upset about something that happened during their day? Just listen. 

Eg. They're anxious about something going on at work. Just listen. If they ask for advice, then go ahead and discuss.

Especially within the confines of a relationship, one must be understanding and compassionate towards their partner. If you have a partner with anxiety, then you're living with anxiety alongside them. You are walking alongside them through their journey with mental health. You can chose to either walk hand-in-hand or not. But they sure for hell cannot chose the disorder. 

Approach with:

Patience - Anxiety will only heighten when rushed. Allow them the time they need to recover. It will probably be much longer than the time it takes for you to recover, but this is about them, not you. 

Compassion - You will probably never be able to fully comprehend how they feel because you are not experiencing it first hand, but that does not stop you from trying to put yourself in their shoes. You are very fortunate to not have to personally suffer the condition that your loved one has to live with. So you truly love them, you would treat them with compassion.

Accommodating Behaviours - Make up for what they are unable to do. Again, it is highly likely the things that they are anxious about cause no emotional strain on you. It is highly likely that that thing is 'normal' to you and does not bother you to the slightest. So why not make up for their downfalls? It doesn't effect you, but it causes suffering for them. Why make them do it, especially when they are feeling vulnerable. Yes, allow for situations to work on it, but accommodate for them when they cannot. 

Remove:

Questioning and Judgement - no matter how much you question or judge your loved one, their anxiety will not change. Actually, it probably will. You will most likely make their experiences much worse.

Invalidation of their experiences - just because you cannot understand their feelings, doesn't mean they are not experiencing it. It especially does not mean that what they are feeling are invalid. To think so is very selfish, coming from the person who does not need to go through it every day of their lives. 

Having to live life with an anxiety condition is more than enough on their plate. You, being someone who is dear to them, do not need add more to their suffering.

I think it's incredibly easy to see an unwanted behaviour or trait from someone, and blame them for it. If we share our lives with someone, it's good to understand the underlying mechanisms of the person we love, not only for them, but for ourselves and the relationship as a whole as well. It's easy to blame something like 'clinginess' on the person that is demonstrating it, but its harder to try and understand why. Looking beyond just the behaviour, it may be because you are just not being diligent on meeting the needs of your partner for attention that they have to constantly seek it, or they may be having a bad day and need a pick me up. Granted, it may be a behavioural trait the individual has, regardless of the amount of attention you give them, but you can't understand unless you try to see it more than just purely how irritating or undesirable the behaviour is. There is ALWAYS a reason, and when there is a reason, there is room for growth and for improvement. 

I feel as though there will always be tiffs and arguments in a relationship because we always question why someone acts a certain way, without truly putting in the effort to discover the answer. 

"Why are you being like this? You are wrong (blame), I am right. Stop!"

This conversation doesn't allow you to grow, nor does it allow your partner or your relationship to grow. Growth within a relationship needs an open, healthy conversation about issues each side are experiencing, without blame and without anger or frustration. And with this open conversation, where both look beyond their emotions towards the behaviour, explore the reasoning behind the behaviour, and together come to a compromise on how to improve the issue at a health pace, a more loving and underatanding relationship is born.

Its more than just you. When you both live for the happiness and well-being of each other and your relationship, you will notice that happiness and well-being will naturally come to yourself as well.

 A few posts back, I wrote about control and time management. We often fall into this narrative that we hear time and time again, that we don't have control over the things in our lives. Although it is most definitely easier to say we are at the mercy of something that is out of our control, accepting that we have great degree of control over almost every aspect of our lives is essential to living a happier and more fulfilling life.

How does this tie in with arguments? Accept that we have control over the emotions we feel AND express when faced with an issue within our relationships. If you have an issue, be compassion and understanding towards why your partner may be acting a certain way. Your partner has suddenly reduce his/her contribution to.. lets say, house work/maintenance. What may be causing the change in behaviour? He/she might possibly be stressed out or inundated with work. If it is reasonable, be compassionate and support him/her within that time. If it is unreasonable, address the issue with your partner, without anger or frustration.

"Hey insert name here. Lately, I've been feeling as though I've doing more of my share of the housework, and honestly, it's made me feel quite insert your feelings here. I'm not mad at you, but I would appreciate it if you could help me around the house a bit more." 

Lets say another situation, you and your spouse has been busy with studying/working, and you haven't spent quality time together for a quite. Rather than getting angry and yell at your spouse, try to understand that they have other priorities in their life that sometimes they can't really help at that point. You can't expect your spouse to quit university or their job to spend time with you. These things can sometimes become busy and crazy, so try and be compassionate. You may be suffering because you aren't getting the attention you're hoping for, but your spouse is also suffering from having to deal with being busy. Approach like:

"Honey. We haven't been able to spend much time together lately, and I've been feeling insert feeling here. I understand that you're extremely busy with insert thing here, but can I ask that we set a day aside to spend time together after thing has calmed down for you?"

I feel as though we think about our own feelings more than we do our partner's. Again, it's something that is incredibly easy to do, because we experience our feelings first hand. It's hard to think about our partner's feelings when we are flooded with our own, especially when it's something like anger, frustration, resentment. We need to learn to look beyond what we feel. This way, you cause each other less suffering. You don't need to project the emotion, or peg it at them like a stone for them to understand how you feel. You can communicate how you feel, without throwing the feeling onto them. You are causing your partner to hurt because you are throwing your hurt onto them.

Another thing we do that we don't think about, is retaliating when someone tells you that you've done something to upset them. Again, it is incredibly easy to retaliate when you are faced with criticism, and when your partner is telling you that you hurt them. It doesn't take much to know that it's unfair, especially when your partner has tried to address it without strong negative emotions. You can be blinded by your own emotions, reacting in a fit of rage... when your partner is trying to tell you they are hurt. What is more important to you? Is it your pride? That you don't make mistakes and that you can never do anything bad to your partner? Is it the fleeting emotions that you are feeling now, or is it your partner? Are you ok with saying, "My emotions are more important than _______"?

I'd like to think the answer is no. Open your heart and be compassionate. Listen and try to understand where your partner is coming from. You might not always be able to understand, but know that you are two different people, with different experiences and different backgrounds, who want to share your lives together because you love each other. You cannot share your lives if you can't even peacefully share your feelings. 

Remember, we are not perfect, and we will never be, but what is important is that you try and be a better person than the person you were yesterday. The end goal is not to be perfect, but to love the people who you treasure more, day to day. It's about making steps to reduce the amount of suffering that you cause to the people around you. The people who share their lives with you are the people who you have the most influence on. There doesn't need to be fights and arguments, if you both are willing to listen to each other with a compassionate heart, and be empathetic to how each other feel, in order to ultimately come to a compromise. 

I have an anxiety disorder that only 2.7% of Australians experience. My partner will NEVER be able to comprehend what I experience and never can he fully understand why, but that doesn't stop him from being compassionate. He will never be able to feel the absolute fear, dread and hopelessness I feel from time to time, but that doesn't stop him from loving me, and helping me when he sees that I am struggling.

Anxiety has been talking to me a lot today. I've been feeling lonely, stressed and overwhelmed. 

"You miss him substantially more than he ever misses you. You're the only one flustered about it"

"It's just a set of quizzes, what the fuck is so hard about that? You should be getting nothing less than full marks"

"If you're overwhelmed now, you're fucked for finals"

"You're third year now, and you're still struggling with motivation and time management. It's not even because of anxiety anymore, you just don't belong here"

"Everyone here has achieved so much more than you, and will achieve even more than that, whats the point of you even being here?"

"You're in over your head"

I'm struggling with anxiety again. Going through day to day, trying to start mornings with some energy, only to feel drain not only mentally, but physically and emotionally at the end of the day. I've been feeling particularly vulnerable lately. The work load has risen significantly and I feel as though I'm going through this by myself. I feel too ashamed to let anyone know, because everyone is busy with their own lives. I just don't want to be a burden...