First of all, Pink has helped me through so much. This so is what helped me through times like this. So here you go. Too bad no mother fucker thinks so though. Someone told me I was once, and oh they fuck me over too. (Y)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You ask me what have you done to make me stay silent when you lecture me, and you ask me what you did for me to "turn into such a piece of shit"?
Maybe I don't reply to the thing you ask me when you lose your temper and go ape shit is because every time I open my mouth and explain myself, you lose your head even more and say that I'm even more of a piece of shit because I'm apparently back chatting. However, its humorous that when I stay silent and don't reply like you have advised me to do with dad, you ask me if there is anything between my ears. Maybe I don't reply cause if I open my mouth, you're going to call me even more names.
Why do I go out so much? Because I CANT TAKE IT. I can't handle all the stress from school and being in a hostile home added all together. Why can't I just finish all my work on the weekdays, so that I can run away for the weekend and be away from the things that make me so stressed that I just sit there due to how overwhelmed I am. I just want to be somewhere away from home on the weekend. I like to go to university open days so that I can see where I can go with my future. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER TO YOU! You want me to stay in this house every single day. I'm not a dog... I need my space, I need to get rid of this stress. I want to end things on a day to day basis. I want to just get away from everything from a day to day basis. I just want to run away from you who calls me a piece of shit, who doesn't love me for who I am, rather who you want me to be.
I've been restricted most my life, and I can't take that anymore. I want to be free, I want to be me, I want to reach my dream, not yours. I want to do art, I want to be an interior designer or a fashion designer, but I can't because its not good enough for you. I had to fight for the next best thing, microbiology. You wanted something medical related and there you go. Thats it.
I'm sorry that I'm a piece of shit to you. I'm sorry that I'm good for nothing. I'm sorry I'm worthless and that I'm not like other people. I'm sorry I'm different. But I am me. I am me who has had enough. I am me who has reached their limit. I who cry everyday after school just to let out the tension just to continue the rest of the day smiling, is in a lot of pain. I don't want to hate you, lot of the times you do so much for me. But its so hard to listen to your mum not accepting you for who you are. I'm no genius...
Yes I got A's in grade 8 and 9. Its because it was so easy. A large majority of students got A's when they tried and many achieved the same without even trying. But you don't understand that senior years are different. I try so hard yet you still aren't happy with it. You think I'm not trying and you think that me going out is effecting my grades. If I don't go out and release the stress, I would crack constantly every single day. I would want to just freaken crawl in a while and die. I'm sorry the thing you gave birth to is not good enough for you. But I am nowhere near what you thought I was, I won't get an OP 1-3 like you think, its not easy. I won't be a doctor, a dentist, a lawyer or a surgeon like you wished. I'm just sorry that I am a piece of shit.
I don't listen to you much anymore because
1. I don't remember what you want me to do, genuinely because I'm so stressed to the point where I don't remember anything unless its very very very important (school things).
2. I'm sick of being hurt by your words...
3. I accepted that I'm a shit rag, after all the times you've called me names and I refused to accept it, I finally did. Yes, I'm worthless, and everything else you have called me through out my life. I make you "sin" because I'm so horrible that I make you yell and cuss at me.
Congratulations Mum... You've broken me. My will to do anything is gone. I have no more ambitions... No more power to strive... I know I'm a child that no one would want ^^
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When Anxiety Hits
This is basically what happens when a very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very small case of anxiety hits. When its at its easiest to deal with, all that happens is turning into a potato. Even though you know you got shit you have to do, and if you don't do it, you're fucked, you can't find anything in yourself to move from that aldjkfhgkjdfhglkdafjhgalkjdfnvIOSAEUNRVOIWEUNF state. The kill me now moment (Y)
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Sunday, July 28, 2013
"I Can't Resist Your Scent"
First, here's a nice as song I found today on YouTube
Sex ain't better than love.
------
Anywho, I made my boyfriend this teddy bear for his birthday.
That was one time consuming project. Buying the fur cost a fair bit, along with the polar fleece for the feet and hands, not to mention accessories like the pink husky for the paw and the ribbons For the bow and collar. It look a long time looking for a pattern and modifying it too. But all the effort was worth it! Now it's forever in the corner of his bed.
I made sure that the teddy smelt similar to me before giving it to him. Now he keeps smelling the little guy and hugging it here and there. I think it's so adorable. I'm so happy that he likes it.
"It smells exactly like you!.. It has about of sweetness to it, smells so sweet and fluffy and isivfiodcoshfo"
Hahas he makes me so incredibly happy.
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Thursday, July 25, 2013
Pimpin' Mah Shiet
Pretty much everyone knows that my laptop keyboard is fucked lol, since there are vv everywhere instead of w and what not. I honestly can not be fucked to move my stupid massive keyboard around all the time since I'm pretty much alternating between my bed and my desk every single day. Nah man, fuck that shit, ain't nobody got time for that shit. Honesty the only thing bad about this program is that its not 100% responsive lol. So I am getting used to touch typing on a touch screen device. Would love it if I had an ipad or something instead. Ipod is slowly malfunctioning. Can blame the poor thing though. Was a present from the ex so long ago.
Oh well this baby should be fine for now lol. This shit is pretty trippy though!
Also, ITS FRIDAY TOMORROW!!! Its been soo soooo soooooo long since I had a legitimate netball game or sports in general. Last two weeks of term two no netball because of QCS people and their useless talks, and first two weeks of term three no play because the courts wasn't done yet. ITS DRIVING ME NUTS!!! FINISH THE FUCKING COURTS ALREADY I WANT TO PLAY SOME SPORTS!!! khwksjukj,yskhaj. Going all out tomorrow! All out it is!
Talking about sports and exercise, tomorrow I must tell the story of weak as mother fuckers doing the shittiest sit ups and push ups on earth... Little bitches stop being so cocky when your ass can't even do w legitimate sit up. zzzzz
Night night, miss Denne
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Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Wrong Choice?...
When all your closest friends
tell you that they all honestly think that you chose the wrong person, there's
really nothing much to think of. Friends going wtf at you when your decisions
are so different then what they naturally are, picking someone so different
from what you're used over someone who you know will always treat you right.
When your girls just honestly open up to you and say "you wouldn't have a
problem at all if you chose Magpoll. Even in his very moment you wouldn't need
us to be here, he'd be sitting here hugging the shit out of you. No offence to
________, but you know it's true, Magpoll will always put you first no matter
what. You know the only reason why he's doing **** a lot now is because he's
stressed out, and because he lost you. I asked him if he would quit it for
someone important to him and he said he would."
...
"We know that
you've fallen for Denne with whatever you have left of your heart from what Lan
did, but if he isn't going to give you what you need in your time of distress,
he's not worth it."
I just think that I'm not cut out for this yet. Don't
get me wrong, I'm not selfish to the point where I say that everything has to
be about me, and that he needs to put me above everything. I understand that
there are other priorities too and things can move up and down regarding
importance depending on he situation and what not. I don't need money and what
not to be happy in a relationship. I don't need to always go out to somewhere
fancy or pricey at all. I'm more than 100% happy sending the day at my boyfriends
house doing shit all by watch him play games, watch movies or just laying in
bed doing nothing. All I need and look for in a relationship is a man who can
treat me right and support me when I need it. I bond through quality time, so
no matter if its at the park together or in the most expensive hotel on earth,
I'd be equally happy because I'm with the most important person in my life. I
don't care if I go over his place and all he does it play games, I'm fine with
sitting there watching and conversing with him.
All I really need is support,
especially at this point in my life. I expect my boyfriend to be there for me
when I cry or when I have a mental break down, not my friends. Buy me all the
diamonds in the world, spend all the money you ever earn on me, but I would
never be as happy as when you just help me pick myself up and wipe away my
tears.
The only guy that has understood this about me is Magpoll... Funny.
Maybe I need a break from everything, take away the boyfriend title and its
responsibilities from you... I can't even be happy myself, how can I bring
happiness into a relationship where the other half also cannot help me through
this part of my life. I can't continue wih this baggage, and I cannot continue
on rely on another guy to wipe away my tears and ease me to sleep instead of my
boyfriend...
I'm lost with what to do
And for those who judge, Go fuck
yourself. You know my name and my face, but you I haven't got a clue about my
stories and what I go through. Amen
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Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Dying Inside
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Breakdown
Absolute mental break down
Can't stop crying...
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Stress
The stress that has accumulated from the last half year is slowly eating at my sanity. It's to the point where I can completely lose it and start crying out of nowhere. It's driving me crazy and I can't control it. Just thinking about it makes me want to punch the wall and scream out. I find myself sitting in my bathroom with the heater on everyday after school. Just sitting there and crying in attempt to recollect myself.
I can't stay awake in class. My insomnia has gotten worse. I can absolutely not sleep at all. I can't concentrate in class and I'm exhausted every single day. My anxiety is starting to act up again over stupid shit. Long story short, I'm a complete mess, and honestly I feel alone.
I just want to get away from everything and everyone. I want to go somewhere alone and find myself again. I can't take this much longer. I can't stay in this bathroom forever, no matter how much more at ease it makes me feel. But every time I walk out, I feel as if I'm fighting the same battle. Feels like I'm walking alone through this maze that never ends, not knowing where to go and what to do. Feeling hopeless with every step, turn and stop.
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Monday, July 22, 2013
The Weekend
This weekends was pretty much all spent with the boyfriend. We just chilled at his place for the majority of it; me making something fast up to eat, him playing games, him getting me on his lap while he plays games, me feeding him while he plays, watching movies, going through a box, what not.
Went to tertiary studies expo with him on Sunday. I don't know why but around him I feel like I'm the most stupid ditzy mofo on earth. Like kmn....
Anywho, got to take some adorable pics of him half naked in a bow tie skifjdjsvksjg. My personally playboy bunny
Happy happy happy~
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Rainbow After The Rain
Honestly, no relationship is real unless there are fights. You cannot have a good relationship without fights. Don't get me wrong, I ain't trying to cover my own ass, but when you actually sit down and think about it, why the fuck would you fight if you didn't give a single fuck. Why would you get hurt so easily if they didn't mean anything to you. Just think about it, lets say your boyfriend/girlfriend made plans with you, you're excited as fuck, but then his friends invited him to something else and he suddenly cancels on you on the day. Chances are you be upset to some degree, but if it was just anyone else, you'd probably won't even give a single fuck. What I'm trying to get at is that, you're so sensitive to the things that they do compared to someone else's because they mean so much to you. Because that they are so important to you, that you hope that they wouldn't "treat you like the others do", (best way I could word it i guess).
Honestly, I've thought of fights as something that either breaks or makes a relationship. You can not avoid it at all, and each fight you have, it's either gonna destroy everything you have, or make what you have stronger. Whichever one it is is totally up to you. If you can wait or the storm, a rainbow will always appear.
If you can make it through those minutes, hours, days or even weeks of fighting, a large majority of times, your bond with each other will only strength as you understand each other more. Its about whether if you actually love them enough and think they are worth it enough to endure through all of that. If you really do love each other you'd look back on fights and reflect on what you did wrong, and what you can do right next time. You'd analyse to understand what gets to them or what makes them happy, what makes them sad and what breaks their heart.
Fighting can be used as a tool that either demolishes very thing you've worked for, or builds the layers of your kingdom. It's your decision which one it does.
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Thursday, July 18, 2013
Resealing the Cracks
After a night sleep, returned back to original mind set. I can't just expect him to do and offer as much as the other guys have. He's a different person and I knew that from the beginning. I'll just take what he can offer and accept what he doesn't or can't. Only takes a few times to get used to it. So all cool
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I'm Slowly Dying Inside
"I'll never treat you the way he did, I'll never hurt you the way he did."
I didn't think that he would say the same things that my ex did lol. Boys are all the same... It doesn't matter to them if they hurt us, it only matters that its not intensional. As long as its not intensional, it's not their fault. It doesn't matter if you stab someone in the heart, it wasn't intensional, the whole you left i their heart will just magically disappear. Because it wasn't intensional, the wound will magically heal...
^^ I'm slowly dying inside, I'm just going to get hurt all over again ^^
Maybe I should just give up here...
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Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Worried - The Boyfriend
PapaBwear came home from work today and had to take little Simon to the doctors. When he got home, he called me on skype, and things didn't look too good. There was something in his expression that's making me worry a bit. Hes currently in the shower. Before, I asked him what was wrong and He replied with, "I'll tell you when I get back." I can't help but be worried. About him, and BabyBwear too. I'm just praying that something didn't happen to Hiro, or something isn't going to happen to Hiro... Even when deep down I kinda know it will happen.
Now I'm just here waiting to see whats up. Fuck I hate waits like these.
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That Speechless Wtf Moment
Those moments that just blows your mind o-o.
Ok DISCLAIMER: 1. I don't stalk my ex, ew
2. His girlfriend is a friend I've known for years, so I have her on facebook, instagram and what not
3. No feelings have been hurting during the process of these events
Straight to the point. I've seen a few photos that just made me go "o-o". Just, no comment, no reaction, just o-o. I was on instagram a few days ago and I saw a photo of his girlfriend with a ring saying things like "its official" and all. Was about to say "CONGRATS~!" like I do whenever I see a happy couple. But the thing is, I saw that he bought the same ring for her as the ring that he gave me for some occasion (forgot, horrible memory). A ring from the beautiful Piercing Planet that I introduced him to. Awkward moment o-o, couldn't think of anything other than "Thats the same one o-o", so didn't post anything. Then today, on facebook after school, saw on my news feed that she was wearing the couple scarf I gave him for Christmas that I spent with him in 2011. Just weird wtf moments o-o, so so so so weird. LOL
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Monday, July 15, 2013
The joyous moment
Henrii came into school to give Anne some money for lunch, and Lan happened to be with him. Henrii was all casual with hoody and all whileLan had somewhat formal clothing on. Our little circle of girls were talking about guys, liking tall guys, classy guys, laadidah. Talking about our boyfriends and spazzing the shit out of ourselves, then Anne went ape shit, screamed and jumped up and jumped onto Henrii. Made me have a massive as smile, cause damn it was cute! XD Made me wish Papabwear came in with BabyBwear ><
Anywho, I then noticed Lan was there and I was like o-o ahh its Lan, smiled to them and turned to Claudette. She gave me a "what the fuck" and a "Are you ok" look. She instantly smiled and shat herself laughing when our eyes met. She knew! Then gave me the "Go bitch go!" or "I'm proud of you bitch!" look.Hahas I just wanted to jump on her like usual, but didn't want to have any chances of him thinking that I'm trying something lol.
That joyous moment when you encounter your ex, and you don't feel jack shit! XD
Was all happy and jumpy all day after that. kept thinking
"I WANNA SEE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
"WHERES PAPABWEAR!!"
"DENDEN DENDEN DENDEN DENDEN DENDEN DENDEN"
Friends in last period asked me why I was so happy and hyper, I said "I miss DenneBwear =3" My walking ball of mother fucking happiness. fajdhgkdjfhgkajhgkaljdfhgjlrwhgtureg LOL Going shopping with him tonight!
Also, turns out we are planning to go out this Saturday. Denne&Me, Henrii&Anne, Michael, Maria, Jennifer and (planning to invite) Peter. Might get some chemistry working ;)
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Sunday, July 14, 2013
Anxiety is Beautiful
A simple and brief explanation of Anxiety... Le Bitch
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Baggage
The baggage that I've been left with from the last still hurts. The anxiety, fears, insecurities, uneasiness have followed me and its refusing to leave. All that can really be done is endure endure and endure, in hope that one day it will fade away. The deeper I get, the more the baggage starts to weigh, the more fear that builds up and the more anxiety takes a toll on me. The reason behind my fear for falling is that this apparent never ending free fall, may have a crash landing just like before.
There is however, a difference between the last fall and this fall. What is it you ask? Its the fact that this fall will kill me unlike the last. I will not be able to recover from this fall like I could from the last. I'm not saying that the thing I'm falling for is the same as the last.. no. No one really understands anxiety, and no one really cared enough to learn.
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Monday, July 8, 2013
Last few days
The last few days, things have been amazing. Today is a happy and terrifying day all at once. Today is the start of term 3, which will be jam packed with assessments, exams, extended experimental investigation reports, QCS, and not to mention, rarely ever getting to see my boyfriend ... This is definitely going to be a crazy term that would push me to my breaking point. With no way out, things just get a tad bit daunting... just a bit...
Anywho, on the bright side of today. ITS OUR 1 MONTH =3 Denne things is been a long time, I don't know what makes him think that oh well. I have to admit, the last month has gone past so damn fast.
Sunday was an amazing day =3 Although I promised myself that I would never let myself fall so hard for someone again, its hard not to. The more time I spend with him, the more I just get attached to him. He just makes me feel so love with the simplest things he does. The way he treats me, the way he talks to me and the way he smiles at every little thing I do.
Friday night we went to Hieu's place, played poker as I drank a bit. That night we decided to go beach. Went home at 11pm, and ate food. Denne went to sleep earlier because he loss sleep from being there for his kitty the night before. I eventually fell asleep, then woke up at 5 to a horrible stomach ache. Seems as if the fish I ate late on firday night was off. Woke up again at 8 and stomach ache was still hurting. Was thinking of cancelling beach, but I decided to go to Denne's house anyways. Before arriving at his place, we had to drop by shops to grab things for Mummy. Went over to his place and his house was cold as hell, so I changed into one of his white long sleeve shirts =3 That sure put a giant smile on his face *ahem*.
Drank medicine and stayed in bed whilst Denne heads off again to get what we forgot for his mum. Fell asleep due to lack of hours, and woke up to Denne's ass walking around his house with only his briefs on. Pretty common sighting, a wild Denne in its natural habitat .-. Can't help but facepalm every single time though LOL. Denne came in and sat there playing games as I was fixing my contacts since they became dry from sleeping with them in. Awkward thing is... Hieu suddently dropped by. What made it even more awkward is that I was only my my boxers since my skinny jeans were abit tight, and baka Denne had only had his briefs on. Denne held the door as I quickly shoved my jeans back on and opened the door. I was thinking, "Denne you knob... WHAT ABOUT YOUR PANTS... STOP MAKING THE SITUATION SEEM SO SUSS" hahas <3 Love him so much =3
We then went to the beach, then time zone. Bitch, I destroyed you in tekken =3 <3
Amazing day! Fell asleep in the car in his lap. Had dreams of him kissing my on the cheek and ear twice or so. I event dream of him when hes right next to me LOL. <3 So damn happy nowa days. =3
After going home, he slowly fell asleep. The poor thing got knocked out at around 11.55pm, but somehow at EXACTLY 12pm he woke up and mumbled
"Hey kitty, Happy 1 month. Woke up just im time to say that"
I died abit inside ... sgjkhsdfgkljhsdfkjgh
He makes me so fucking happy ^~^
MORE PHOTOS
Hes too full ^ LOL
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Friday, July 5, 2013
Not enough
He thinks I'm not giving him a chance, yet I'm risking everything for him. I had no shortage of guys liking me, but I wasn't interested. 8 before him, all had there own uniqueness which makes them likeable, yet it didn't matter because I wasn't willing to risk further damaged to my heart which was already broken. I wasn't willing to go into a relationship after being left the way I was. Yet I still let him into my life. Yet I still try with whatever I have left towards the relationship. But if that isn't giving a chance, then why am I sill here? Why do I bother if it apparently isn't enough? What part can I play in his life if I'm too broken to give him more? Well I guess it's time to bring back the mask. Covering my sorrows so I can go another day smiling.
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I, the antagonist.
Sometimes things just become unbearable. I don't understand how I become the villain in situations where I've had pain inflicted on me. I've been cast the roll of the antagonist even when I was not the inflictor. Life takes interesting turns. These few have taught me to blame myself for everything that happens. "Without me, none of this would have had the chance to happen to being with."
It may just be another cowardly attempt in avoiding further pains. There is only so much a heart and withstand.
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