When
you're independent, you either make it on your own, or you fuck up on
your own. Either you reach success with the hard work you yourself
invested in, or you die by fucking yourself over. Everything that
happens to you is mainly your own doing. If you lose motivation, its
because you aren't strong enough to keep it. If you don't complete
something important, its because you can't or you're just lazy. Your
downfall and success is entirely up to you.
When
you're dependent, you reach success in the arms of your friends,
however when you fuck up, you can also fuck up in their arms. You being
to blame and point. You trusted. Trusted too much and you get a slap to
the face. Then whose fault is it? Is it yours or the ones you trusted
in? Things just become so messy when you are dependent, even though it
brings you so much joy and makes your life so much easier.
Why
not just be independent? Why not have no need in other people? Why
don't you throw away your need for people like your significant other
and dear friends? You can achieve happiness with or without them.
I
guess my answer to all of that is, "I'm scared of the feeling fading".
After everything that happened in my life, I rarely trust. I want to be
around people or around my art. However I don't want to trust them. I'd
always be on my own, but never alone, and things where good that way, as
I didn't care what people did to me because it didn't matter. Cancel
plans last minute when I'm already there waiting for you? Whatever, yo
don't mean shit, so it doesn't matter, hit up another friend and the day
goes on. Now that there are important people in my life, I'm reverting
back to being dependent. Although there are times where I'm extremely
happy because of the way they are there for me and what not. But when
things change a bit, it hurts more than it should. I just want to revert
back into the person that didn't give a single fuck what people did to
me. I just want to revert back to that independent side, that is strong
and can handle myself. I hate being hurt by those I hold deep. It hurts
more than it ever should.
When I become dependent, I become weak.
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Better Than You
V1: I guess I never saw it comin', I was in my zone being on my own but never single and alone I was so convinced I would never love again a hopeless romantic at a dead end
I dated different girls but I knew it wasn't fair cause I'd put them beside youand see how they compare I'd bring myself to do it but I wouldn't follow through cause when you went away, my heart followed you
you left me with some baggages I couldn't unpack now it's hard for me to love somebody else and trust backI even thought maybe I should move outta town far from everything that drags me down
but it's all the same, no matter where I go my life was like a re-run, the show was getting old but right before everything fell and hit the ground I met a girl that flipped me upside down
Chorus:She made it easier to love she's the reason why I left my past in the dust so long love, you ain't gotta worry 'bout me I'm ready to let you be and let you free
She made it easier to go she's the reason why that I finally got control so long love, she has something that was never in you I finally found a girl that's better than you
V2: Instead of piecing it together I finally found a girl that made me sleep a little better she know me so well as if she read through all the letters of my heart I kept it locked up but I guess I've been robbed
you took a part of me and you never gave it back but now I found somebody that'll fill the missing half when she came around, she brought along "hope" and my heart that followed you came back home
Im giving her my trust, I ain't scared of being hurt cause what she does for me is speaking louder than her words and even though the past ain't erased she's the one that takes it all away she's my escape
she gives me reasons to believe again I ain't thinkin about the "woulda", "coulda", "might of been's" 'cause when you left I lost myself in the past but I met a girl that brought me back
Chorus: She made it easier to love she's the reason why I left my past in the dust so long love, you ain't gotta worry 'bout me I'm ready to let you be and let you free
She made it easier to go she's the reason why that I finally got control so long love, she has something that was never in you I finally found a girl that's better than you
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Saturday, August 24, 2013
Dear All Tight Ass Asian Parents
Ahem, where do I start?..
First off, we are in the 21st Century, not the 20th. Times change and things change along with time. I respect your old as fuck rules, but no need to fucking push them on me. I don't slut around or party and drink like there's no tomorrow. I study my ass off to achieve the crap that YOU want me to achieve, not what I want to. I'm sick of your violent and just down right nasty way of raising kids. Calling names, hitting and putting down your kids is just mother fucking bull shit.
Yeah, I got a boyfriend, and I'm happy with the way things are. I know I'm in grade 12, but apparently to you people think that its a crime to be dating. Like seriously what the mother fucking fuck? I don't rape my boyfriends face in front of you. All I fucking do is just SIT ON, NEAR, OR NEXT TO HIM. Calm you fucking fake as tits. I'm just so sick of you dictating my life, to the point where I just don't give a single fuck anymore.
He's my biggest source of happiness while you are my biggest source of stress and hurt. So go fuck yourself and your stupid as conservative views. Asian parents just don't know when to stop, and they wonder why they have such shit relationships with their kids and why their kids seems to hate them.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my parents. I loved them so much, yet they hurt me to the point where I just don't care anymore. At least my heart tries not to in order to stop myself from going insane. I'm not going to blame you for being what made me into this mess, I'm not going to blame you for who I turned out. I blame myself for being too weak and not being able to handle what you say like those genius Asian kids that got to the top of the hill when it comes to success. At least they can handle what their parents say and do to them. But quite frankly I'm not like that. I know you would have been happier with a child like that rather than me. I already accepted that years ago.
I ain't no genius, I ain't that strong. I rebel to get away from you people who are meant to protect me the most, yet hurt me more than anyone else has ever.
Amen.
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Happy
I'm sitting here on my bed with my boyfriend curling around me half asleep. Just wanted to blog this moment cause its just so cute. my boyfriend is just laying here and gnawing softly on my knuckles. He started to develop the habit a month or so back and its something he really enjoys doing now.
Lol now he fell asleep on my hand xD so so cute. Thank god I learnt to type fast with one hand. I love being able too turn my head a bit and see that face fast asleep, while hugging my arm and rubbing my hands on his cheeks. My simple source of happiness~ =3
Happiness is like Dandelions, it's everywhere, you just need to find it.
Faithfulness, Happiness ~ Flower Language
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Friday, August 23, 2013
Men Makes Me WTF
Sometimes men make me wake the fuck even more than girls do. Girls make me what the fuck with the shirts that has half their titties hanging out and all, or dresses that looks like their ass cheeks are going to pop out if they bent down and what not. Don't get me wrong, girls can be fucking beautiful creatures, and I will admit that I like taking peeks at boobies too, but wow girl.The Imma wear super revealing clothes whilst having the "respect my mind" mentality. Like... WTF
Anywho, men sometimes makes me wtf too. Like seriously dude, how do you expect your gf to open up to you about her insecurities or what bothers her, if absolutely nothing is going to happen. This is to a number of people. Your girl is dying down with her relationship with her best friend that so happens to be a dude, in order to make you less worried/jealous. She tries to be considerate towards you, not making a fuss over you talking to your ex or someone you have had history with, yet you push the boundaries and go out of your way to do things. How the fuck is she not meant to be hurt in one way or another? Common
You of all people should know your girl, inside and out. You should know her history as much as she knows yours. From the history or how shes been treated, how shes been broken or hurt, not to mention what she directly tells you, you should be able to understand when shes hurt by things, and when things need to be changed. No girl is going to stay with a new dude if she experiences the same or similar bad shit that she did with an old guy. Shes not going to stay if she cries herself to sleep still. If she does, she hella loves you, its either that or shes been hurt so much that it doesn't even matter anymore. Either way, if you really love her, you would do something about it.
Fighting for my sanity
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Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Wishes
I got into the habit of wishing on 11:11. I’ve been getting
more and more selfish when it comes to wishes. I have always wished, “I wish for name.to be happy no matter what happens
in their life.” It was the same whether I was with Lan or with Denne. But
now, the more time I spend with Denne, the more I begin to wish things like “I wish I can be with Denne forever. I wish I
can make him happy for the rest of our lives.”
The more time we spend together, the more I want to be with
him, the more I fear of what we have falling apart. I’m damaged as fuck and
scared as fuck, however, I still couldn’t stop myself from falling for him and
continue falling even deeper. Although I know the risks, although I’ve already
experienced the pain from such events, I can’t help but want to love him.
I love you Denne.
My lover and protector
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Monday, August 19, 2013
You're Shit At Keeping Secrets
This cat is like me when I play around with Denne.. LOL
My boyfriend is HORRIBLE at keep secrets. This is what he wrote while I was asleep today.
"yo, i decided to write this while you ww\ere sleeping cause
yeah.Going to bury it in here
somewhere and youll find it someday or ill tell you cause im mean like that ;p
i love you heaps and im not going to let go of that hand.
Not much to say cause youre vvaking up bye xoxo"
I was like "ngaaaaaaaaaw"
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Auuuggghhhhh kmn
Yesterday was stressful as hell. It seems I can’t find my
USB which has every single assignment of mine. I got no backup (yay). Anywho, I
got to go to my chemistry tutor and see if she has it. I remember that I had to
with me to go Chemistry tutor across the street. I remember that I had it with
me, so it’s either going to be in my room or at tutor. There’s nowhere else
that it can be. I’ve searched up all of my room yesterday with Denne, and the
me that is stressed out to the point where I crack was finally out. I really
didn’t want Denne to see me like that and I did everything I could to prevent
it until yesterday. I was scared that he would get sick of me and what not.
Rather than reaction the way I thought he might of, he
helped me the whole time, no matter how much I tried to push him away and make
him go home (so that he doesn’t see that part of me to begin with). After hours
of searching, I gave up and just sat in my corner crying (lol I know, stfu I’m
weak). He just gentle wrapped his arms around me and pat me on the head. He
just sat there with me, wrapped the blanket around me and cuddled me. After
sitting in his lap on my bed, with the blanket covering us for hours, I began
to feel sleepy. We both fell asleep for a bit and both woke up as it was nearly
12 am. He kissed me good night, took his things, turned off the lights and went
home. He called me on skype afterwards and we both fell asleep together again.
Honestly, I think I’m so lucky to have him. He looks
after me so much, and doesn’t care about my ugly sides. He supports me so much,
no matter what it is for. I can’t wait until school finishes and I can cater to
him more. Right now it just feels like he’s looking after me as I try to
survive through this shit, and no matter how much he tries to convince me
otherwise, I think it’s extremely unfair. He makes me feel so safe, it’s
nothing I really ever felt before.
Life gets tougher and tougher the further I get through
grade 12, but Denne makes every moment worth living for. Without him, I don’t
even know if I’d still be here. I’ve gone pass my breaking points many times,
but he always makes it better. Whenever I feel as if I can’t do it anymore, I
look at the pendant he gave me. To me, it’s kind of a “You belong to me” thing.
Which in our book translates to “I’ll always protect you”.
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Thursday, August 15, 2013
The No Offence
After the boyfriend fell asleep once again, I ended up calling Michael. He instantly asked what was wrong and made me do a massive wtf. I don't know how he knew, but he knew something was up. We then had an intense "tell me", "no" session. Somehow again, he convinced me to tell me. Short and fast burst of rant came out and he went silent for a bit. I know he was comprehending whether or not he should say what was on his mind and what not. He ended up saying it.
"No offence but, he really needs to look after his gf"
I understand where he's coming from and all, since he now knows I've been sleeping from 2-4am in the morning since I haven't video called with anyone after dating denne and all. And that I'm now only comfortable with Michael and Denne seeing me sleep. I guess he can see how much it's effected me during school or what not. Either that or its just me being retarded.
Gotta admit, really miss the days where I could comfortably webcam with someone (Michael and Hieu) and just fall asleep. But now even if Denne does stay up with me, I can't comfortably fall asleep anymore, cause I know he won't naturally offer it like Michael does and also I know he'd fall asleep la di da. Fuck me dead lol
Michael eventually made me promise to call him every bout when denne falls asleep on me. Sigh... Hope he doesn't go ape shit over it.
Just so exhausted every single day that its driving me nuts.
"If be really was trying, then why would he go on his bed if its obvious that hes going to fall asleep."
Sigh
Side note: Michael pointed out that me and him fight a lot O-O a total of 16 times (yes he went back and counted lol #adorable) and we always made up straight after. (Y) nice
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Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Wrong choice? part 2
Love this theme, the guitar composition is just beautiful. Also yes, I watch and read yaoi. Got a problem?
Smrd -Suck My Royal Dick
Yes, this topic again, however, this time it’s from an
entirely different perspective. As of recent posts, it is bluntly obvious that
I’m extremely happy with my boyfriend, hence my avoidance of this topic.
However, as of today, it really hit me that the choice being wrong was far far
from true.
I love my boyfriend for him as a person, whether he has
flaws or not. It’s obvious that he possess things that I would prefer not to
have and things that he lacks that I look for (this is all due to family
standards and what not, cause I honestly don’t really give two flying fucks).
Piercings, tattoos and all will make my parents want to fucking go ape shit,
and the fact that he didn’t go the OP path and is working rather than studying
is kinda iffy for my family. Nevertheless, I don’t give a shit about any of
that. He’s trying his best, he’s looking after me in many fucking ways and he
treats me like I’ve never been treated before, and that is all that matters.
I hate how people bag him out for the shit they see on
the outside. Magpoll, yes I’m fucking talking to you. Fuck, it’s like you’ve
changed so much after I got together with Denne. Yeah I changed in some ways
too, but not like that. I’m just honest as fuck about everything, and it so
happens that I do do “those” things with my boyfriend. Good and trusted friends
ask, no harm can be done from it, so what the hey. I don’t give a shit. I don’t
rub it in your face that I’m with Denne, at least I don’t intend to. I can’t help
if that is how you perceive things.
But honestly? Bagging out my boyfriend for his tattoo?
Common, you’ve already made it obvious to me that you don’t like my boyfriend.
As you were someone who I considered my closest friend, I just took your
opinion of him and left it at that. Now, you slowly find reasons to bag out my
boyfriend and it’s so fucking frustrating. You know I don’t give a shit what
tattoo people get unless there is no significant meaning behind it. What Denne
chose has a lot of meaning to him, in more than one way. So what if it’s based
off Fairy tale? You didn’t used to be like that, like what the hell happened?
I stopped talking to you as much on skype because I
didn’t want to hear you bag out my boyfriend and saying things about me or what
not. I didn’t want to lose faith in you because you’re important to me. Like
common, I’m in the middle of a call with my boyfriend on skype, you call, and
what do I do? I instantly put him on hold and connect to you. I do that a
fucking majority of the thing that I see you call. Yeah at times I don’t cause
I’m either busy, bathing with my headset on, outside doing something, or just
not paying attention to my laptop.
From what’s been happening, I’ve gotten another reason to
be happy with who I chose.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now that that rant is over, now for the parent’s rant YAY
<3 note - sarcasm
My mum never really understands anything. The periods
where I feel really happy and all, where it seems as though she really does
understand me and what not, seems to just be her trying to fake it to get us to
get along (lol long shitty sentence). She thinks that since I’ve gotten
together with Denne that I’ve been getting worse. She thinks that I’ve become
even more of a piece of shit since I started dating him. It’s to a point now
where I don’t even bother explaining myself because it’s not going to make a
difference. Nothing is going to change even if I explain things to her and tell
her things. She’s just going to think that it’s all bullshit. So why do I even
bother.
I really hate how I can’t give less shits about my mum,
and why I can’t just ignore her and stop letting the things so say hurt me so
much. After so many years of it, I should be immune to it all. Even though on
the outside it seems so, on the inside it just cuts me deeper and deeper every
time. It’s just that I’ve learnt that no matter what I do, she’s just still
going to yell and scream at me. So I
saved both me and her the trouble of an even longer argument by just shutting
up and leaving it be. Letting her call me whatever she would like so that she
can vent out all her frustrations of her long laborious days.
Every single time that I question myself, “She keeps doing that to you, why do you
still care so much, why are you still hurt from it? Fucking idiot, you can just
leave now, Denne has offered you a place to stay at, his mum is fine with it,
why don’t you leave get away from the extra stress that it creates on top of
what you already have from school?”
Then I kind of just realise that I actually really do love her, it’s
just that I’ve tried so hard to hide it, to shut it off deep down in my heart
so that every time she yells at me and calls me names, I won’t get so hurt that
someone I love and someone that is so dear to me could utter those words to me.
As a child, I always wanted a really good relationship with my parents. I
wanted to make them happy while being me… Not being who they want me to be. I
wanted them to be proud of who I am, even with things that I want to do or get
that isn’t to their liking. I just wished for them to accept me for who I am,
not who they want me to be.
I always loved the arts. I love music. I love making
things, designing things in all forms, whether it was sowing related or craft
related. I loved interior designing, I loved anything that involved creative
thinking. Hence why I love expressing myself through what I wear. It makes me
who I am. I want my hair a bright colour, because it represents what I want to
be. I like tattoos because what I am hoping to get are what I stand for. I want
certain piercings because I love the variety of things I can do with them. That is who I am, and who I can’t be, because
if I were to be like that, it would break your heart. So I have to be this fake
thing I am.
Sometimes I’m afraid to express myself because I’m afraid
you won’t accept me for who I am. What I wish for the most in my life is for my
parents to accept me, as me. I wish to get along with my parents, to be able to
share good and bad without fear of rejection. I love my mum so much, because
she also cares for me in so many ways. She wakes up in the morning, making me
lunch and putting my breakfast out for me. Making sure I eat properly so that I
can concentrate on my studying. Barely
any mums give a shit at this point. She now does all my chores for me so that I
can study. She washes my clothes, and
folds them for me, she makes me food every day and gives me a place to live.
She cares for me so much that I can’t stand to cut off her existence and her
importance. However, the things she says to me just tears me a part, to the
point where I just turn numb.
Fuck I don’t even know anymore…. I’ll just end it here
for today.
Back to my escape, music~
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Motivation
Here's a song that I can really relate to =3
After I got fucked over, I lost my motivation and drive for studying. Today's post I'm gonna be real honest.
If you can't handle it, and if you're gonna bitch or question me about my feelings towards the people I love/loved, then fuck you =3 shove a pole up your asses.
To be honest, the only reason I had so much drive in the beginning of grade 12 was because I had everything planned. I had everything set before me. Me and Lan planned to study into your courses, Dental technology and Microbiology, both within the science field. We planned to live together after I graduated, working out way through life, buying pets, building the entertainment unit I designed and what not. Just the usual dream of a young adult, but more filled with games, massive sound systems and what not. Because I knew exactly what I wanted and what I was aiming for, I worked my ass off for it. Monday to Friday, minimum 4 hours study. Most of the time it was the second I got home to 12, giving 1 hour spare to look for another job, with 2 hours of break for food, bath and what not. It was like that all weekday, then sunday, work from 9-5 for only 50 bucks. I dedicated every bit of energy I had to make things work.
After the dream was gone, I didn't really have anything to strive for. It was even hard for Denne to get me going. It really stressed me out. I knew what I wanted, I knew my goal, but I had nothing that I wanted enough to make me do things.
However, now, it seems as if I found something. The "Get-yo-shit-together" scheme .-. I know, lame. But me and Denne came with something that worked pre fucking well. Minimum of 3 hours a day studies, and my Denden would come over the next day. Happy Happy Happy
Even though it was 12 am when I started chem, 2 hours later and I got 750 words. Happy Happy Happy. Content with the 4 hours at tutor and 2 hours at home! Yee Fuck I love Denne so much ^~^ He makes everything better. I really appreciate everything he does for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Made Denne this for dessert <3
Pancake with Nutella and Strawberries and condensed milk on the side
Note to self: Denden has devolved from a snorelax into a munchlax, add more nutella next time LOL
This weekend, Kitty is going to make nummy nummy jelly =3 with fruits! Hope he's going to like it.
Also, I haven't gotten a chance to blog this, but Denden gave me A pure white gold pendant with a heart ruby surrounded by diamonds. 9ct... holly shit ... I feel so fucking spoiled, let Denne doesn't seem to think so at all .-.
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Saturday, August 10, 2013
My man
SOOOONNGGG <3
~~~~~~~~~~~~
After going through a number of problems, I really am happy with my man.
We are both so fucking retarded and weird that we suit each other. Lol. I love spending time with him no matter what it is that we do. He spoils me so fucking much, no matter how much I trying to stop him. He treats me like no other guy has ever gone close to. He respects my wishes and compromises with everything we do. He makes me so so happy that its not even funny.
I love the days where we just lay in bed and snuggle. I love how we just "rassle" and talk about the most random things. [Note: rassle = wrestle, no sex .-. fark LOL] The way we joke is just so unique, something I've never had before. I love how he just lays there, and rubs his cheeks against me. I love how he just randomly grabs my hands, holds them, kisses them and/or gnaw on my joints. I love how he hugs me so tightly, kisses me and whispers in my ear. I love how he just noms on my ear and sas "mine". Even with the history that I've had, he makes me life so WWWEEEEEE, and gives me feelings I've never felt before.
It's so hard to control myself when we are together. Even though we are with each other for the whole day, starting from 8 am, we still don't want to let go. We still try to stay together as long as possible, dragging time back further and further just because we want to lay together. We just want to fall asleep in each others arms, to wake up to each other and start a new day.
I'm so lucky to find a man that can treat me so well, so fast. He was always around the corner, yet I had no idea of his existence. Now that I do, he's all that I'm sure about in my life. It's only been a little over 2 months that we've been dating, and around 3-4 months that we've known each other, but it feels like we have been together for years. He makes me feel so at ease and so happy to an extent that I never knew was possible. Honestly speaking, if I had to lose what I had, the boy that I had, to find this man, then I'm over the moon that it happened. I'd thank the boy for breaking my heart, because if a broken heart was what it took to discover this gem I have, then fuck yeah, come at me bitch. All of those years does not compare to these 2 months. I hope I can make him as happy as he has made me.
Was dead asleep, in his arms, woke up with him in this. "My butler" for an hour xD
.
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Wednesday, August 7, 2013
I Want to Cater to You
Lets start off with some music to fit the ocassion =3
When I have a man, I want to cater to him and make him happy. I go out of my way to do things for him that other girlfriends wouldn't for their boyfriends cause I want my man to feel special and loved.
Every time I see that expression on his face that he doesn't show anyone else, I feel so happy and content. I can't help but be happy too ^~^
At 5 am, before going over to his house at 9am that day, I quickly made him like, a night gown type of thing. His expression was so cute xD
I assumed he really liked it hahas. He's sho sho cute =]
"Dancing" was also a thing he really liked to see (through webcam). Planning to give him a proper lap sometime soon ;) maybe as desert after making the pancake with chocolate and strawberries that he drooled over today ^~^. Can't wait til the weekend, going to make him happy happy happy.
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