2016, for me, has been a year full of struggles and huge loses.

In May, I lost Bolt. I miss him so much words cannot explain. I still cry about it to this day, and honestly, deep down, there is still resentment towards Denne for what had happened. Walking through pet stores, I would see things that he used to love, I would see the huge bags of food that we bought monthly for him to eat, I would see new toys and joke to myself how quickly he would have destroyed it if we bought it for him. I just want my little boy back. I regret not being able to do anything to stop it from happening. I regret allowing things to get to the point it did. I miss the unique texture of his snow white fur. I miss how he would get so excited to see he that he would run laps around the house. I miss his stupid face... when he sat there waiting for food as I was cooking, but at the same time trying to contain himself to not wolfing down everything he can get in his mouth. I miss his derpy smiling face. I miss the dog park trips, where we would spend time.... before it became a chore. I miss him so much.

In August, I lost my maternal Grandfather. I had a difficult time, not only with trying to come to terms with it, but also with the doubt in regards to how genuine my reaction was towards his death. Before grandpa began to display Parkinson's symptoms, I remember that we would call Vietnam on a weekly or bi-weekly basis and I would talk to my grandparents. I remember that I was always excited to visit and I would always want to play with them. The symptoms began to show when I was very young, in my early years of primary education. I couldn't understand what was going on, but now that I look back, it was obvious that as his symptoms worsen, so did his mental state. Looking back, I remember hearing him saying how much he wanted to die. I remember him rising his voice and saying, "just let me die already!" As a kid, I couldn't understand, and rather than trying to understand and I just drifted apart from him. It was to the point where all I do is silently watch him or hold his hands while he was asleep. I felt as though I didn't have the right to be so hurt or to even cry. I didn't physically care for him, nor did I spend much time with him as his disease progressed. I didn't even rush my passport in time in order to attend his funeral. I kept saying, "I'll do it next week where I am not as busy." We then got the call that he had passed, during the week that I said I didn't have time to do it. Truthfully, if I did absolutely everything in my power to get that passport done, I would have just made it on time. I regret it. I regret not saying goodbye the last time I left Vietnam. He was asleep, and if we had woken him up to say that we are leaving, he would have cried for long after we had already left. I regret it with all my heart... and probably will for the rest of my life. 

In October, I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Though it may be a hereditary thing, I was told that the possible trigger/start to it was my parents and the pressures that my parents had exerted on me and the high standards they set. I still struggle with it, and my parents have yet to come to understand why.

Most of the beginning of the year, my relationship with Denne suffered. It really hit it's lowest when we lost Bolt. We fought a lot. I cried a lot. He didn't care for anything other than games and chilling together, and I wanted more than that from him. I was having the most difficult time with what I now know is anxiety. I didn't know if the path I had chosen to take in uni was going to work out for me. I didn't know if my relationship would work out, as were in incredibly different parts of out life. I was struggling to keep my head afloat, trying to work towards a future while he was content with looking no further than the current moment. I cannot sum up everything in a blog, but it was one of the most difficult years I've had. 

But as I sit and reflect on the year, I have accomplished more than I thought I would.

I have improved vastly on my cooking skills, and I'm now able to consistently provide Denne with meals to eat. My mental state has improved and anxiety has the tiniest bit less of a grip on me. My procrastination, though it is not gone, has improved significantly. My grades, most of all, has improved. This year, 2 subjects I achieved 5s, and 3 subjects I achieved 6s. Though I had to drop courses due to my inability to cope with the events in the later half of the year, I was able to still get that one subject in and get a 6 (though I was really close to getting a 7 and I should have studied more for it - ah no, I shouldn't be thinking like that, yay GAD). I was able to rescue a bat shit scared Moustache Parrot, and through many bites, many training sessions and a lot of bloody time, I was able to tame Momo and get him back to the companion bird he should have been. Denne and I was also able to rescue a 8 and a half year old cat. He was left behind when he previous owner left for America. We (I) named him Mr.Nibbles. It's incredible how much Mr.Nibbles LOVES his dry food. We feed our cats a grain free diet, so it's around 50% crude protein and mostly meat based products. I assume Mr.Nibbles didn't have that with his old owner since Mr.Nibbles ate it as if it was pure chicken.

There is also a lot of things I am grateful for. 

I am grateful to Dr.Bennett who was the start to my journey of improving my mental health. He let me go at my own pace, and never pushed me to do anything. 

I am grateful for Dr.Tan. I know it's his job, but I couldn't have asked for anyone better. "When you work in the psychology field, you learn to accept your mental/psychological quirks."

I am grateful for Stu, who was incredibly patient with me and driving. It has been about a month since I passed my P's test, and I miss the cruises I had with him. Even without knowing of my anxiety disorder, he worked with me and cared for nothing more than my safety and my self-confidence. I believe in him as a teacher so much that I have referred him to 5 other people so far. I couldn't have done it without him. 

I am grateful for my paternal grandparents. Grandpa for always being there smiling like the goofball he is, and Grandma for always giving me insight on my life. She is a little walking basin of compassion and enlightenment. I've been progressively visiting them more as the year went on, and now I see them about once every other week. 

I am grateful for Denne, Grandma and Chu Thinh for accepting my GAD, regardless of how much they are able to understand it. 

I am grateful for my parents for letting me live rent and bill free. I am grateful that they support me financially when I really need it; for the tablet that made university much easier for me, for the car they are adamant on buying for me, for the money for university fees or textbook that I can't afford myself. 

What I am most grateful for is Denne's improvement. I don't want to get too into it, but Denne has changed a lot within the last few months. I has achieved things he had been moaning about for years.  He now looks more into the future, striving to improve in all aspects. 

I don't even know what I am rambling on about anymore. I had a set of things I wanted to talk about, but my mind just wondered off. Welp, Happy New Year. 

Within the last 2 or so weeks, I've been hit my this feeling that I don't quite know how to explain. Sometimes I have random bouts of intense negativity (yes, I'm avoiding the word depression). I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping as my mind won't stop wondering around. I'm starting to rely more on having sounds in the back ground. I will turn something on to 'watch', with complete disregard for what it is. I just want something else to drown out the voices in my head, telling me everything that I don't want to hear. 

I've been feeling bouts of loneliness, as though no one truly understands me, and as though no one really cares to. My anxiety tells me that I'm never good enough, because its me who is always needing to change and 'be better' while everyone else is ok to be them.

I've been feeling bouts of self doubt. Am I really on the road to success, when friends I went to school with are moving on with their life, while I'm still stuck halfway through university? They finished university, some even going out into the world with a new job, that they earned with their new degree. Yet I'm here, at home, unable to get myself to progress through studies because of my crippling fear of failure, because of my GAD. I believe I have the potential to do very well at university, but it feels like I'm letting myself down... just by being me.

I've been feeling frequent bouts of low self-esteem, especially in regards to body image. Don't even get me started about this one. It would take a long time to even scratch the surface. I noticed that I have been eating much less these days, though it isn't something I do consciously. I have days where I eat a small rice bowl sized meal after midday, and a normal meal later at night. The heat doesn't help either. I drink much more water, but it often leads to bloating and further body image issues. 

Ive been waking up past midday, unless I have work that day. I fill the void with whatever is putting me down that particular day. If I'm feeling lonely, I indulge in romance manga. If I'm feeling a lack of mental stimulation, I go ready random articles or ready guides of how to play Dota heros. I study particular heros more than I've studied at home for uni all semester.

A few days after these feelings manifested, I started my period. Naturally, I assumed it was the hormones. 2 weeks later, I think it's safe to say that it isnt. On the outside, people think I'm just being dramatic, but deep down, there isn't anything that is more real than these feelings. 

I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. It's 3am. Its a cluster fucl of thoughts on one page.

After my children are grown and have their own stuff to do, my dream is to foster, rescue and rehabilitate animals who had a crappy start in life because of some asshole hooman. 

I had a period of time where I stopped giving a shit - well, at least that was what I wanted to believe at the time. I met a lot of people and had a lot of interaction with a lot of different people. Now, truth be told, I try to avoid it as much as I can. What I fear are people's intentions. When I talk to people, I want to talk to them and I am interested in who they are and what they have to say. I guess that was why I'm attracted to psychology, because people make me curious. I like to know about people, learn of their upbringing, their culture and how that has influenced how they are now. I like learning new things and gaining new perspectives. 

I feel as though because of how self-aware I am, I have come to fear people's intentions. The first semester of university, I really wanted to meet people and diversify my view of the world. It wasn't difficult for me to make friends. Most where guys. They would approach me in lectures, become acquaintances through group activities/being in the same tutorial class, or I would say 'hi' and we would start talking. But the second we exchange our facebooks and they see that I am in a relationship, suddenly I don't exist. I ended up with three people who I talked to semi-regularly. One quickly became busy with their own friends and we stopped talking very quickly, the other got a girlfriend and disappeared, but the time he came around, he had his own group of friends. The last one... well, we just can't find time to hang. Anytime I want to hang with him, it would involve taking an almost 1 hour trip to the city and then go back. Most of my days are now full with work, university or going to see Dr.Tan. The only real day I have off is the only day of the week Denne has off too. So yay.

Reflecting on it, it's kinda pathetic how I try and guard myself from social interactions. I distance myself to others at university. I don't talk in tutorials unless someone asks about how to apply a theory to whatever scenario that we are given. I feel awkward as shit when I want to open my mouth to say something, so I don't... 

Even when Mike started talking to me again and we hung out a few times, our schedules have been clashing heaps. He works night shifts as well and even when I ask on his days off, he is already doing something else. Even though it may just be that I really do get him at the wrong times, I often fall into this pit, thinking that he is just trying to avoid hanging with me nicely. 

Maybe I just think too much. It's like another thing that bothered me for a day or two. I discovered my relative's girlfriend removed me off facebook when I tried to tag her in something I thought she would like. The relative and I have been getting closer again lately, and his girlfriend is starting to go to our family gatherings more often, so I thought I'd put the effort into getting to know her more. After abruptly finding out, I wondered if I did anything to offend her. I remembered that the last time I saw her was at the last family gather where I was FUCKED UP from work. My brain was like a monkey on a tricycle. All I knew how to do was giggle at stupid things with my family. I remember she sent me a message through facebook, commenting on something about the Harry Potter scene on TV. I sat there for 5 minutes trying to figure something to reply because I thought what she said was funny. But my brain, being unable to come up with any comprehensible to say, so I sent a 'laughing so hard that I'm crying' emoji. And that was about it for our interaction for the night. 

I assumed I offended her sometime, so the next day that we had the gather, I made sure to talk to her a bit more. Mum and one of my aunts where a bit unhappy that she didn't greet everyone, but I told them that the only reason Denne knows to is that I ask him to and make sure that he does. And that is only because grandma very carefully watched over me to make sure I keep the traditions of our culture. "Don't be too hard on her, most kids can't even talk Vietnamese, let alone know our culture and how to act accordingly. She will slowly learn it like Denne"

I was doing my usual roll of doing as much of the food prep as possible. Denne helped out and she also asked to help out and she found things to do as well. Everything seemed normal. Until she said, "You guys (referring to Denne and I) have a very typical male and female relationship." I replied with, "Yeah, I was raised quite traditionally, so it's natural for me to do these things :)" She kinda frowned/scrunched her face. I didn't know how to take that.

I don't even know where this blog is going either. I'm always so self conscious of interactions. I wonder if I did something wrong or if there is something wrong with me in general. Maybe I'm just doing things to offend people without even knowing it. I do have a resting bitch face so that doesn't help does it... Iunno man.

 I just want to have one or two people in my life that I can be close friends with. Doesn't seem like it's something I am capable of.

Social interactions stress me out.

I discovered Lush a few months back. Throughout the whole year, I wanted to start looking after my skin more, but I had no idea what I was doing in regards to creams and serums. They were FUCKING EXPENSIVE. A bottle of cream or serum started around $50, and I had no idea wtf was in it, nor did I know if it works well. I wasn't ready to dish out $100-200 for a shitty skin routine, and I also wasn't comfortable with all the chemicals involved.

I was at the shops one day and I walked by the Lush store, so I asked Denne to go in and have a look. First thing that really blew me away was that the whole shop had this beautiful smell to it. I didn't know what I was looking at. There were colours everywhere and things in odd shapes. I was lost af. Some lady came up to me and asked if there was anything I was looking for. I said it was my first time, so I had no idea wtf I'm doing. But I was interested in facial skin care. She showed me a facial wash. 

'Angels on bare skin'. I was not a of how it smelled, but god damn did it make my skin feel smooth. She did a demo on my hand, and from them on, I fucking fell in love with Lush. She then did a demo with one of their face lotions, 'Vanishing cream'. They weren't kidding when they said vanishing cream. I usually HATE face creams, because it makes my face feel like an oily, greasy mess. But I could put this on under my makeup (which is usually just eyeliner LOL), without it feel heavy throughout the day. I was IMPRESSED. 'Vanishing Cream', 'Sex Bomb' and 'Yuzu and Cocoa Bubbleroon' were my first ever products from Lush.

Sex Bomb has been my absolute favourite bath boom so far. It makes my skin feel so bloody smooth I didn't know it was possible. All I have to do is lay there and chill. No effort what so ever. 

That was my first visit. My face felt very smooth just from the bath bomb, and there was a significant improvement in the texture of my face from using the cream everyday or so. I was very very very impressed. So I went for my second visit, looking for something for my body. I am not a fan of the soap that I use at home, it makes my skin feel rough and dry. It feels like it isn't just pulling all the gunk off my skin, but it was also ripping off all the oils on my skin. It just feels super dry and I didn't like that. Hence I went in with the intention of getting something that exfoliates my skin but at the same time, keeps my skin smooth and happy. A guy working there (who's personality I love btw) showed me their most popular shower scrub, 'Ocean salt'. I didn't like the smell, so he gave me the 'Rub Rub Rub' and I fell in love. It has this sweat yet salty smell that really appealed to me. I tried it on my skin, and after washing it out, my lord did the back of my hand feel smooth like a baby's ass. I picked up another 'Sex bomb' while I was at it. Along with 'Tisty Tosty' and 'The Christmas Penguin' bubble bar.

Look how precious that bloody penguin is... I just can't. I still haven't been able to use him yet. I feel as though 'Tisty Tosty' isn't as refreshing and soothing as 'Sex Bomb', though it does look very nice in the bath. I now use 'Rub Rub Rub' about twice or so a week for when I feel the need for extra oils on my skin. 

My third visit was at the city where I wanted a nice both lotion. I had a smell of everything around the shop, and I like the smell of 'Sympathy For The Skin'. My Buddha does it smell AMAZING. It smells like... a banana chocolate dessert. It smells so yummy, I just keep smelling myself when I use it. I have used it for nearly a month now, and my skin is SO SMOOTH HOLLY SHIT. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfY8Ih8dyUU

I watched a video of how they make it, and holly shit the amount of natural and raw ingredients that they put in there is mind blowing. They put a CRAP TONNE of banana in there. Again, I AM SO IMPRESSED. From here, I realised that I was getting obsessed with Lush. 

The fourth time I visited was today and I wanted a everyday soup bar. I chose 'Sandstone' because of the smell and the toning and exfoliating properties. Being the dumb ass I am, I didn't realised how sanding 'sandstone' would be... I know it sounds stupid. It was really rough on the skin when I didn't have enough water on me. But under running water, it mother fucking exfoliated alright. My ass has never been this smooth in my life. I've been feeling my ass nonstop today after using it. 'Sandstone' is definitely something that I will use once a week max, purely because of how rough it is, but it will most probably be something that I will keep repurchasing over and over again. 

I will be going back for a daily soup and maybe a bath bomb or two for my Christmas trip with Denne. Maybe he will be able to experience it with me :D

One thing that makes me love Lush even more is that Lush is TRULY cruelty free, animal testing free, hand made, all natural ingredients that are not from any living animal. They legit make it from fresh ingredients. They're cutting shit up like they are working in a kitchen ffs. It makes me feel safe that I am improving my skin without damaging it in some way with some chemical I have never heard of or understand. They also recycle all their containers ffs... you return ten tubes, you get a free face mask. YES PLEASE

Guess what I will be doing on boxing day? HAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUL

And yes... I know... I'm getting a TAD bit obsessive about it. But I love how my skin is feeling. Denne seems to feel the same about it too, he won't stop rubbing my thighs while driving. Actually, he won't stop rubbing me in general. Not to mention he is sniffing me a lot more often these days too. So plus on top of all the other pluses :D

As Grandma was surrounded by her kids, their spouses and her grandchildren and their partners, she was asked, "Grandama, what is your birthday wish?"

"I'm old now. All I wish for is that you children and grandchildren love and cherish one another. That you live for one another rather than just for yourself, that you think about each other. As I've raised each one of you, live with compassion towards each other."

"If you could, how would you best describe how it feels?"

"Its feels like I'm walking through a dense forest with the light blocked out by the canopy above. I'd turn around and look for a direction to go in, but it just all looks the same. Sometimes, I'd see an opening that is letting light through, but all I see when I reach it, is more of the forest that I came from. Once again I would feel lost."

"Its going to cost 345 for the driving test. Last time I drove, I was nervous because I knew the test was going to be on the next time I see my instructor and made a lot of mistakes. It's either I take the test on thursday, or mid January, what do you think?"

"Its all in your head! Its only in your mentality. If it was me, I would have taken the bloody test ages ago. Who would take THAT long to do it (take/past the test). What are you even worrying about?"

Its all in my head... yeah, its called a mental illness. Its like saying to someone with a depressive disorder, "its all in your head, there's nothing to be sad about. if it was me, i wouldnt be depressed about anything." Or someone with schizophrenia, "the voices are all in your head, why is it even bothering you, its not real." 

Asian parents can be cruel. I can't help but feel lost and alone at this point.

Anyone can say 'I love you'. 'I love you' doesn't take any effort. Someone could easily say those words, then turn around and cheat on their spouse. 'I love you' is really just a string of words that we as a society has agreed upon to verbally communicate affection, but what significance does it have when that is the extent of your affection. 

Often, nonverbal communication is much more effective at conveying emotions and intent than is communication through the verbal channel. For example, you could verbally communicate, "fuck you!" But the intent of that verbal cue could be drastically different depending on what non-verbal cues come with it. If you it is paired with an angry, red face, the intent is negative. If it's paired with a laugh or a smile, it's a positive. It's the same with, "I love you."

Words only have meaning when you have actions that correspond with it. It's easy just to say a few words and be done - but showing those feelings in our actions every day is much more difficult.

 If you truly love someone, you will never need to tell them.

On Monday 14th 2016, I went to Walters Psychology Clinic at Toowong to see Dr Chong. I was incredibly nervous, my heart rate was 20-30 bpm higher than my resting heart rate for at least 2 hours before I walked into the clinic. I started to get clammy while in the waiting room, and I could hear my heart in my ear while I called mum for my Medicare number. Dr Chong came out and greeted me. He gave me a happy-chappy impression, which surprisingly put me more at ease. We went into the room and started to do a bit of paperwork before we went into the talking. To him, I was probably visibly nervous, so he started to talk to me and ask me questions, rather than expecting me to dish everything out on my own. I was honestly quite lost of words at this point. 

He commented on my UQ psyc shirt and asked me about school and what I'm interested in. I told him I want to either be in a chair similar to his, or maybe in a research lab, but it's not something I've made up my mind on. He asked me who far in I am, I told him I just finished my second year subjects, so I'm going into my 3rd year of my degree. I assume he guessed that I had some experience with clinical psychology, as he started to talk to me, he would pause and allow me to finish his sentence. And again, holly shit did it make me more relaxed. I remember thinking, "This mother fucker is damn good at what he does, I'm in good hands for sure."

From there on, it was a smooth transition into questions about me. What really impressed me was that rather than asking me, "what's wrong," he gave me a check list of symptoms related to anxiety, depression and stress to fill out. I had to read down the page and tick whatever was applicable. There was a section that I ticked almost every single box. What a surprise right? (Sarcasm)

He started asking questions based on those ticked boxes. He told me what that was for was for him to know the symptoms so that we don't waste time as I try to remember things. As we continued to talk, he continued to jot notes down, and he continued to ask more questions in finer detail. Eventually he came to a question of

"What do you think will make this better? After you answer this, I will tell you what I think is the problem"

I sat there, completely blank. Eventually, I replied,

"To be honest, I don't know what or if there is anything that can make it better. No matter how much I've sat an thought about it, I can't come up with something. All I do is hope that with repeated exposure, I'd eventually become habituated to the feel."

I saw Dr Chong write down the letters 'IDK'. He stood up, walked towards the white board, and said, "This is what I think it is," as he proceeded to write.

GAD

"Generalised Anxiety Disorder"

After nodding, he explained to me the condition and ran me through a few treatment options. He knew I was familiar with the general outline of these treatments. I think I was being visibly restless about the idea. The appointment ended and honestly, all I wanted to do was just sit somewhere, curl up and be a puddle.

Denne and I went to run some errands and my ingredients to make dinner. We went back to my place before going back to Denne's because he wanted mint leaves because he wanted to make a drink for me. While at my place, Mum asked Denne and I to deliver some clothes to grandma's house so that she can donate it to charity. We stayed for a few minutes to talk to uncle and aunty and see how Tayden was doing. We then dropped the ingredients to Denne's house before Denne drove me up to Mount Gravatt lookout for some quality time. He was very determined to do so, maybe because he saw that I really needed it. On the way there, I began to get very panicky and upset after realizing how many people are actually there to see the "Super moon." It took us a bit to get up the hill, and as we go closer, I go more worked up. Denne grabbed my hand and told me that it was something he wanted to do for me and it wasn't something I should feel bad about. 

As we go up to the lookout, someone pulled out right in front of us, and bam we got a parking spot.

We sat there for a considerable amount of time, just talking away. I thanked him for the day and for him being so patient with me. 

I came home later in the night. As I laid in my bed, a huge sense of dread about my mental illness started to overwhelm me. I began to cry while texting Denne on facebook. He reassured me that things will only get better at this point. We both said our good nights and went about our nights. I turned on a video to help me sleep, but my head was running a million miles a hour. Needless to say, ended up falling asleep quite late that night.

Lately, I've been working really hard to compile recipes and alter recipes to make it my own. It's something I personally find very important. Denne and I have taken another step forward with our relationship. Although our plans to move out were cancelled (probably will post about it soon), we both have been talking about our plan to buy a house within the next 5 years. We are working towards a 50k deposit for a house. Not gonna be anytime soon, but 50k doesn't get shitted out of nowhere :L, so might as well start right?

This gives me more time to build upon my recipes and improve my cooking skills. I want to be able to provide Denne with mother fucking good food that he is going to be happy with every time he comes home. 

I've gotten roasts down packed. 

I've got steaks, mash pure, light salads, grilled sweet corn etc.

"When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes,
That's where my demons hide."

My demon, anxiety, is not kind. It makes me fear everything and progress through life with doubt every step of the way. No one close to me has yet to understand how it has a grip on me.

Grandpa took his last breath last Tuesday, 2nd of August 2016. Fifth Uncle went down to change his diaper as per usual in the afternoon. Grandpa turned around, vomited and exhaled for the last time.  Grandma was also in the room. Uncles and Aunts started to call mum and every other relative outside the country. All aunts in Australia, along with mum booked the first flight to Viet Nam. Mum still needed her VISA approved so that she could leave the next night. I haven't prayed so hard for anything for along time. Although I was already able to convince mum to arrange to go see Grandpa before he passes, she wasn't able to make it in time. First I was feeling really blue, but the second I saw mum, I could tell she was absolutely gutted. I just hope she doesn't regret not being able to see him before he died. 

Anywho, I wasn't able to go to Viet Nam since my passport has expired. It took a while for my licence to come in, so even if I did the passport thing asap, I still wouldn't have made it. Despite that,. I still deeply regret it. I wasn't able to be there to support mum during her most difficult time, and I wasn't able to see grandpa off.

The day after mum left for Viet Nam, I burned some offerings for grandpa since I didn't know what day he would be cremated.

 What I wanted most was to get him a suit, or clothing of some sort. He had to wear sets of the same clothing, every day for the last decade. I was really adamant on this, and despite Denne's lack of understanding towards these things, he did so much to help me out. He was able to get the joss paper I wanted while I was at work, and he there the whole time, comforting me while I sat there burning this paper and crying.  

Afterwards, I was told that Grandpa was being cremated on Monday (9th Aug). So I dropped to the shops to get myself Copper joss paper specifically, and then a bunch of other stuff. I burnt the giant copper joss paper stuck first, so it's not in this picture, but this is everything else. Traditional Chinese/Vietnamese clothing, coin paper, LOTS of paper money and other small stuff. 

Still struggle to come to term with everything. Still worried about mum. 

I was recommended to see go see Dr Bennett about my escapism and possible anxiety issues. I was told that my symptoms are textbook symptoms of anxiety, but it may also be due to an array of other things. He got me to have a blood test to look at my irons levels. Difficulty sleeping, lack of energy, always feeling tired despite the amount of sleep and difficulty concentrating can be symptoms of low iron levels. Turns out I was as normal as normal can get. There was not a thing out of place, or on the boundaries.

Dr Bennett also got me to do a self-report questionnaire on anxiety, depression and something else ( I forgot what it was). Since I am in the process of studying an extended major in psychology, I've had experience with how these questionnaires work. Ie. how they are structured, how they are scored and how the questions are manipulated in attempts to make the intentions of the questionnaire a bit ambiguous. I've looked really deeply into personality and mental illness type questionnaires because I had to come up with a short questionnaire for an experiment I needed to conduct for an assessment piece in a social psyc course. I saw the headers of the marking scheme and I'm just thinking, "oh shit, I know how this is marked and how it will be interpreted." Without a second thought, the second I saw the marking side, I folded the paper so I could complete the questionnaire without and biases. 

Results suggested that its probably not depression and it may very well be something to do with anxiety. I was asked if any of my family do display any of the same symptoms I've noticed in myself. I do see it in mum. Not as obvious as it is with me, because I assume she has grown to cope with it, but I do see plenty of resemblances. All of that, along with the fact that anxiety is most common in 15 - 25 year old females... yeah. And that is how I am here, pending to go see a psychologist. Yay

I was completely oblivious to it, until I studied mood disorders and anxiety in an introductory psychology class. I ticked off every box in regards to the symptoms as my stomach started to drop lower and lower. I was completely ignorant towards it. 

Honestly though, I'm scared. It's as though I've finally gotten a glimpse of the monster in my closet. And quite frankly, I can't come to terms with how to feel. With that, along with whats happening with grandpa and my studies being so unsure this semester, I feel so lost. Even after the dope as grades I got last semester, it just suddenly feels as though I took a few steps back and lost sight of everything again.



I try to so hard to hide it, like nothing is wrong. The fear of being judged and looked down upon as weak is ridiculous. But really, I just yearn for comfort and reassurance, something that is difficult to come across. I try and keep it to myself, because I think its unfair for me to expect Denne to understand and be able to comfort me when he can't even grasp what and how I'm feeling. 

I was just recently told that Grandpa (mum's dad) in Vietnam is dying. The man has been bedridden for nearly a decade now. He begin with having difficulty with his muscles and slight reduction of mobility. As the years went by, began to lost more and more "functions" until he became completely depend on Grandma and the family. The last time I saw him, he was unable to do anything himself and could barely squeeze out a word.

Now, he has kidney failure... and there is nothing that can be done to save him. Renal failure has no real long term treatment/cure other than transplants. Grandpa would probably not be able to survive the surgery itself, let alone the medication that is needed in order to stop the body from rejecting the organ. Blood transfusion is a temporary solution, but I was told that it wouldn't help him even in the short run. 

All we can do for him now is give him pain killers until he passes from renal failure.

All we can do is wait for the toxins to build up in his body.

Wait for the his body to shut down from being flooded with the toxins that his body cannot get rid of.

We are unsure how long Grandpa will last, whether it be a few more weeks, a few months or even over half a year. All I know is that he will either be consciously suffering or completely drugged up the whole time that he has left. I'm not sure how to feel about it. It hurts to see him suffering.

It also hurts that... the next time I see him, he will be laying in a coffin in the living from of my mum's family home.

"Love", in the sense of igniting the flames is easy. "Love" in the sense of infatuation, lust, or "the honey moon phase" is almost effortless. The urge to spoil them, to smother them with love, to make sure that they have absolutely everything they could ever ask wish for and more, is overwhelming. It comes naturally. That's all you want to do. Your happiness is their smile, and the way they light up when they look at you. 

Sadly, this urge is short lived. It's not uncommon for people to settle into the mindset of, "I already won him/her." Just because they are your's doesn't mean you stop putting in effort. It's not that one must always act as though they are trying to win over their person of interest. It's just that ... it's too common that one gets overly comfortable with their relationship. What comes next? Someone is taken for granted, appreciation diminishes as services and favours become a part of everyday life, someone stops showing their love and someone stops feeling loved.

No matter how many months, years or decades you have been together, never forget to show someone that you love them. Never forget to satisfy their need for intimacy. Granted, you will never feel the same way as you did during the honeymoon phase. It's a fleeting feeling, a rush of lust, infatuation and curiosity. It's something you will only feel in the very beginning. However... love should never feel dull. Love should never feel like a chore, nor should it ever feel like an obligation. 

If they really loved you, from the bottom of their heart, you should feel it in your heart. It should make you light up and glow. It should make you smile, even without any real reason to. I don't think these feels should be fleeting. I think that you should always be doing something to make sure your partner feels this, no matter the medium may be. 

 Love is when the fuel of the honeymoon phase has burnt out, but the flame is still burning strong from the efforts of both parties. 

It's easy to ignite the flames, but whether or not flame continues to burn is entirely up to you.

Even with progression in a positive direction, hidden under the surface is the sense of numbness that pokes at me.

When you begin to dig a bit deeper, you will find anger. You will find resentment. You will find someone who is fucking screaming from the pain of the year of wrongdoing. You will find someone who will lash out at any repeated offences, no matter what the magnitude. 

But when you dig beyond that, you will just find someone who is lonely. You will find someone who is wounded. Someone who is exhausted of staying strong. 

I've fought with everything I had. Now there's nothing left of me.

But then again, I'm just playing the victim card again aren't I.

The last few days have been difficult. Not necessarily hard in the sense of dread, anxiety and tears, but more in the sense of feeling completely bummed. I keep telling myself that I need to do some work for uni, but it's just not happening. I'm struggling with the fact that we had to let Bolt go. Even though my head tells me it wasn't something I had much control over, I cant help but feel "uugghhh". I'm not sure how to even express these feelings, other than this clusterfuck;

"Increased activity in the anterior cingulate cortex, the region of the brain that registers physical pain, triggers the secretion and increased production of stress hormones such as Cortisol and Adrenalin from various endocrine glands. This can lead to many physical symptoms including nausea, feeling light headed and shortness of breath. Not only that, feel good hormones such as Dopamine are released when confronted with stimuli representing the target individual. The inability to satisfy the need for the target leads to feelings of withdrawal."

In short, I am fucking heart broken to the point where I  feel physically sick. Whenever I think about Bolt or see photos of him, I am overcome with the desire to hug and pat my baby. My brain expects an emotional fix every time I see or think about Bolt because I have always been able to have that until now. Now that I don't physically have Bolt anymore, my brain is going, "WTAF IS GOING ON," and starts looking for something to fill in the void. I have been successful at not doing anything impulsive... well, that is if you don't count procrastinating on everything. I have a chronic case of procrastination regardless of this situation, so I'd like to think that doesn't count :D. I guess I just have to try and push through as fast as possible so I can re-gear in time for exams. Luckily, my brain will re-wire itself out of this shitty cycle and I'll get over it... eventually. Probably will never completely get over it, but feeling ok and knowing he is in a good place is the best I can hope for.

Ps. I think its noteworthy that these feelings are when I'm alone. For some reason, most of what I feel around Denne is just... Iunno, I just feel numb. I feel lost and confused. I feel uncertainty at every turn. Sometimes I feel so unsure that it seems as though I'm halfheartedly holding on. I'm so overwhelmed with feelings, yet at the same time I'm unsure how to feel. Lost and confused is really what it is.

I can now give her a peanut by hand. I can hand it directly to her when I move slowly. She will stand there and watch as I approach, but doesn't run for her life anymore. If I keep my hand further away from her, I need to wait a while as she contemplates whether or not she should come to me to get it. She will come get the peanut, but she will snatch it and run back to her perch. This is a significant improvement from her running for dear life almost every time she sees me. I have successfully converted her to a full pelleted diet. She seems to be having a bit of trouble with the smaller pellets though. I might go get her medium sized pellets so she can hold them with her feet and eat. She seems to much prefer something she can hold, rather than just pecking at it like the tiels. I'll drop by petcity within the next week or so and get a small bag of roudy bush medium pellets.

Now to get her to come towards me with less fear and uncertainty. Yes, this will take a long time. She pretty much reverted back to being untamed. Its gonna take a while for her to get used to hands again.

It turns out the original foster carer had a family emergency and will not be able to take Bolt. We were told less than half a day before the arranged time that we were meant to hand him over. She still have a box of stuff for Bolt that we need to get back. Now we are in the process of talking to another foster carer. At this point, I have been on this emotional roller-coaster for over a week. I'm starting to feel numb and constantly bummed out. I no longer want to interact with people and or do anything other than lay down and stare off into the distance. Tears don't come often in the last day or two. I know we can't keep him, but the thought that he will go to a home that is better equipped has eased my anxieties. I came to the realization that living with Denne is not the best for Bolt. He is unable to release his energy for a large majority of the day, and that isn't something a border collie can deal with. Bolt would do better with an active owner/household, who go on daily walks, not because they have to walk bolt, but because they just do. Bolt would be much more suited with someone whose hobby is something physical, whether that be jogging, hiking or riding a bike. I just hope that whatever home he goes to, they will love him as much as we do. I just hope that they will provide him with the stimulation that he needs to be a happy chill little collie.

Resentment is toxic no matter what the situation is. I now have this deep-seated hatred towards him. I'm just so angry and gutted I still don't know how to feel or how to begin dealing with those feelings. We are currently looking for a new home for Bolt. A situation got out of hand and we are no longer permitted to keep Bolt. 

I hate him so fucking much, for allowing things to get to this point, despite being warned multiple times. I hate him so much for putting so little effort. I hate him so much for putting in so little time. I hate him so fucking much, for taking our baby for granted and only start to love him properly when he needs to be gone. I hate his attitude towards life. I hate how little motivation he has to do get up and do something. I hate how much he has allowed something like a fucking computer game take over his life. I hate how he puts so much effort into online games, while he puts so little into the people and animals that love him. I hate how he claims to put so much effort and that he feels exhausted from doing so, where really most of it was spent somewhere else. 

I hate

That no matter how much he says he loves me

I cant see it through his actions

I have done more than enough to show you that I love you. I stayed committed and loyal to you, giving you time and patience through your hard times. I have supported you with whatever it is that you wanted and never forced to into something you didn't want. I've always had your best interest in mind. I tell you what I need and don't make you play guessing games. I give you everything that you need, whether it be time to do your hobbies or cooking you a full course meal whenever you want it. I tend to your every need, because I just want to see you feel cherished and happy. I always blamed myself for the first two years.

"It's probably because I don't cherish him enough"

"Its probably because I haven't done enough to show him that I love him"

"Maybe I just don't deserve it.

"Am I being too impatient with him?"

"Is he acting like this because I demand too much?"

"Am I Not Good Enough?"

After losing bolt... I can't believe that anymore. I can't convince myself that its an problem with me anymore. And hence all the pent up emotions, the hatred and the anger has been released. Now, all I think is,

"Why would you treat us like this"

"I thought you loved us"

"Why would you shatter out hearts if you really loved us"

"What is it about us, that you would rather spend more time on games than us"

"Why"

--------------------- End ----------------------

Bolt

 

It's not up to you how others treat you. However, it is up to you to have courage to get what you deserve, whether that be through working at it, or walking away. 

I decided that it'd be nice to document my journey with Momo since the process for us to become companions will probably the long.